Chapter Forty-Seven
W e appeared atop snow, a crystal-clear pool to our left which was fed by a waterfall pouring lazily from above.
The sky was infinitely more beautiful. Green and purple streaks lit it up, zigzagging over the stars and casting an ethereal glow onto the scene below.
Hands gripped me tighter, as if the prince thought I might flee or fall. I urged my heavy limbs to wrap around him in reassurance, causing him to loosen his hold.
The snow covered nearly every inch of the sunken waterfall. Walls of black, glittering rock rose on every side, the obsidian peeking out here and there. I had never been anywhere like it. We had seen a beautiful mountain a couple weeks ago, which shone in the light of day and rose past the clouds. Three weeks prior we came across a dazzling valley that held a quaint village. The warmth that radiated from it seemed to push away the winter chill.
Yet, neither could compare to this place.
My tears were beginning to freeze to my cheeks, mirroring the icicles that hung from a cave just behind the waterfall. I wiped at them, wetting the sleeves of my red tunic. The leather vest I wore atop it was cinched across my chest, holding in some of my body heat, but not nearly enough.
A shiver made its way through my tired bones. Silently, I wondered what the demon’s plans were. We would be here in the middle of nowhere, far from the planning taking place at camp, and for what? To allow me the chance to breakdown in seclusion? It seemed rather pointless.
Unfazed by the chill, Bellamy walked us towards the opening of the cave, finding a path behind the falling stream with an ease that told me he had been here many times before. The sound of the water as it hit the pool below was melodic, soothing my sobs to a weak sniffle. I relaxed into him, but my mind remained a violent storm.
Bellamy maintained his own shields, the wall of black fire pushing back my reaching power that I had lost control of. So I was left to my own head. Mia’s face came to me more often than anything else as the demon prince walked us farther into the darkness. One memory in particular, repeated.
Mia had been doing my hair, as she often did. The braids were exquisite, wrapping around my head and weaving together like an intricate basket. I remembered the way she covered my ears, pulling the hair down and over the mutilated tips.
“So you will never have to see yourself as anything less than wonderous,” she claimed.
On that fateful day, my powers came to me in full force, lashing out and nearly killing the fae queen. I remembered the fear in her eyes, which would then turn into excitement.
Then the deaths began.
Quicker than I thought possible, Mia had a blocker made. I wore it every day, apart from practice hours, suffering in agony as my power was siphoned out of me.
I had thought it a mercy, to spare the world from me. A monster, Mia had said. I would become a vicious beast if not taught and restrained. Without fail, I thanked them for keeping me. For loving me despite what I was. Hatred filled me, for I was no better than a demon. I was horrid in every way, and I despised myself.
All while they murdered their own kind. All while they poisoned their ward, a female who had practically been their daughter. Perhaps after killing their own son.
A faint glow could be seen now, the color similar to the rays in the sky above. I squinted, trying to understand what could possibly make that light. As we neared, I gasped, seeing that small turquoise lights dotted a vaulted cave ceiling, reaching far higher than I would have expected. The lights wrapped around the walls, the cave bigger than a large home.
“Orfelia fultoni,” Bellamy rasped to me. “Glowworms.”
I looked again at the lights on the wall nearest us. I had seen drawings of worms that could be found on the isles, especially Isle Healer. But this did not appear to be any type of insect. They looked like demon light, glowing a different color, but still the same uncanny bright sphere.
Bellamy looked down at me, a soft smile on his lips, dimples hidden away. I wondered if he might have been making things up to distract me. While my curiosity was piqued, I would not be worth trying to please. Sorrow felt permanent at this point. As if it were a core piece of who I was now.
Right on cue, I felt my body begin to shake violently, the lack of sleep and the loss of control both fighting to break me.
I was spasming still as horrific thoughts of hemlock and Mia’s smiling face bore down on me from memories and conjured nightmares. It became hard to distinguish reality from fantasy while the weight of the world crushed me beneath it.
Time passed both slowly and quickly, the cave becoming lit by nothing save for the glow of creatures around us. All the while, Bellamy held on, arms keeping me together while everything within me fell apart. I cried endlessly, begging to know why. Why did they betray me? Why had I not been smarter? Why was I always poisoning what I touched?
Bellamy brushed his hands through my hair, moving us to a sitting position and holding me in his lap. I felt every beating I had ever taken from Xavier. I remembered their warm embraces, the sound of their voices when they told me they loved me. I saw Mia’s silencing looks and listened to her scathing remarks. I thought of each life I had been told to end. I recalled every ounce of joy that I had felt.
Honey eyes and blue-black hair materialized in my head then, finally pushing me over that edge I had been on for months. Xavier had burned him alive. He had tortured him as I sat naked against the wall, curled in a ball and begging him to stop. He had forced me to end the life of the male I loved, stole him from me, made me sleep in the room where he was murdered.
He blamed me, and in turn taught me to blame myself. And after, as I sobbed beside the charred remains of the male I had thought was my destiny, he beat me into unconsciousness.
And I had loved him like a father.
Everything I did was for them, always. They were my family.
Now I was alone.
I was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.
And I deserved to be, because as much as I now knew that what Mia and Xavier had done to me—to Sipho—was wrong, I also knew that I would always hold blame. No matter what excuses I made for myself, there was still fault in me. So I chanted it over and over again, unsure if it was only sounding in my head or if I were uttering it through my lips.
Likely the latter, as Bellamy responded to my cries.
“You are not alone, Asher. I am here. I do not care what I said before. Any piece of yourself that you will give, I will take with honor. I will treasure you, hold you, and support you. My heart belongs to you, Princess. Never will you be alone again,” he said, his voice a doting whisper.
Firm hands heated by the fire within grazed my cheeks, then guided my head towards a pair of icy blue eyes. All at once my shaking ceased, sobs slowing. Bellamy was staring at me like he never had before. Determination and devotion lit his gaze, sparkling in his eyes like the stars in the sky.
I shook my head, trying to free myself from the feeling that had been growing over the last couple of weeks, months really. The emotion I had rejected. Because I knew those who I loved, left. Always.
Pushing away was impossible while Bellamy held me like this, trying to force me to understand. I refused to see what he was attempting to convey, refused to believe he was being honest. Yet, the demon merely waited. Pinning me with that stare.
“Please, do not do this,” I begged, weak from the months of torment and constant pain. I could not take another loss. Could not bear one more heartbreak. Surely I would not survive it.
His hands pulled my face closer, our breaths mingling in the small space between us. He smelled of smoky cinnamon and snow, and felt wonderfully warm. Everything I ever wanted, he had promised me before. It seemed now he was prepared to give that to me without any vows on my part.
“I love you, Asher Daniox. You are the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart. And I am yours. I was yours yesterday, I am yours today, and I will be yours every day after. Even if you do not choose me, I will spend the rest of my life choosing you. I will love you until my final breath and long after. I would crawl from my grave to find you once more if it meant even a single moment with you.”
My own breath hitched at his words.
They hurt just as badly as I thought they would. Another to love, another to lose. Every bit of happiness he brought me from here on out would simply make the inevitable pain that much stronger. Yet, admitting the scope of his feelings forced me to acknowledge my own. Which left me unable to do anything but let them swarm me.
Every crack and fissure that the days, the months, the years had created in my heart felt as if they were being cauterized. A painful burn and ache that came from being re-fused, remade. All with the fire that coursed through Bellamy’s veins. That fire that he seemed to wield stronger than any of the other elements. The fire that I could feel radiating from him now, as he held me tighter in his arms. Skin of fire and eyes of ice burning me to my soul and freezing me in his grasp.
Before I could second guess my choice or over think, I closed the space between us. He reacted slowly, surprised at first, but then with eagerness to meet me with as much force as I was giving. And he did, tenfold.
The kiss was claiming, full of pent-up need and the high of his declaration. Without a moment of hesitation, I pushed his body down onto the cave floor, placing my knees on either side of his hips to straddle him. He moaned as I ground myself on top of him, desire driving me and leaving caution behind.
I gripped his shirt with one hand, pulling him further into me and lacing my fingers through his thick, dark hair.
“Asher, I do not think you are in any state to be—”
I kissed him harder, fiercer, wrapping my tongue around his and drinking him in. He moaned, but I could feel him slowing down, thinking far more than he should be.
“Princess,” he whispered into my mouth, tugging his mouth away from mine to stare into my eyes. I knew what he was searching for in me, the reassurance he would need before he would allow us to go any further.
“I will not choose between the fae and the demons,” I said. He stilled, looking up at me with half closed lids and rosy cheeks. His swollen lips were a temptation that I had to look away from to resist.
Closing my eyes, I pushed on.
“I will fight for freedom. No fae or demon or mortal is entirely innocent, but none deserve to suffer through a war. My allegiance lies with those who stand to lose the most, those who have been looked over, those I have wronged. I may not be worthy of their love or the title of queen, but none will suffer if I can help it. I fight for them, as I should have before,” I proclaimed, not daring to open my eyes until I was finished.
When I did, Bellamy’s mouth was parted slightly, his blue eyes glittering with something akin to pride. His fingers met my cheeks once more, sliding down slightly to grip my jaw and neck.
“I will stand beside you, a soul far more deserving of a crown than any before her. Your wish, your fight, your will, it is all my command. If you will have me, Princess, I am here.” His heart sped up beneath my palm, as if perhaps he expected me to deny him. Somehow, I knew he would still love me after, no matter what choices I made. My own beat quicker, the sound drowning out my heavy breaths and invasive thoughts.
I recalled the strange fae’s words in my dream and Sterling’s insults. Considered the possibility that Bellamy might be tricking me. Each horrible moment that led us here flashed before my eyes. Every fear came at me, told me that I only stood to lose more.
Yet, staring at the demon prince, I had no doubts that he loved me, more than anyone ever had. More than anyone ever would. I felt it radiating from him as he slowly dropped his shields, allowing what little power I had regained to taste the adoration in his mind.
Yes, he loved me. And I loved him too.
I loved the sound of his laughter. I loved the way his cheeks and eyes crinkled when he truly smiled. I loved the way he held me when I was breaking without judgement. I loved the way he pushed me to be strong. I loved the way he conveyed his life and emotions through paint. I loved his heart and how deeply he cared for creatures of every kind. I loved his devious side, how he would purposefully brush his hand against my thigh and send deliciously inappropriate thoughts my way. I loved his remorse and strength and recklessness. I even loved his past and his anger.
Somehow, during the last two months, I had fallen for someone who I had once thought was my enemy. I had lost my family, my life, my home. But in that loss came something new. Yes, I lost more than I ever thought possible, but I found more than I could have ever asked for.
I found freedom. I found love. I found myself.
And though I knew I did not deserve love, I accepted it. Took it in and gave it right back.
“I choose you, Bell. Now and always. Wanting you is as natural as breathing. No matter what has happened, despite everything we have done to one another, I have never stopped wanting you. And now, if you will let me, I choose you. I choose you because I love you too.”
A breathy moan left him at my words, and then our lips were meeting once more.