Chapter 26 Parody
Em’s brain shriveled deep into her skull. Wooziness swept over her. She nearly collapsed onto the brick sidewalk as Larian shifted into view. She’d jumped scenes one too many times today. Hopefully, there weren’t major repercussions for frequent teleportation other than the scalding headache.
Sasha’s moans harmonized with her own.
Glass entryways, dozens of matching red brick buildings, overly edited posters of way-too-happy-to-exist students hung from lampposts, and the scent of freshly brewed coffee surrounded her.
Although fantasy-associated, Larian Community College of Secondary Characters advertised their urban and contemporary features, encouraging the students to pursue the same originality that Em hungered for.
A grayness hung in the skies, and all the trees were already bare for the winter on Adventuras Island.
Adventuras Island.
Home.
Em swallowed back the tightness forming in her throat.
Heat pricked her eyes, threatening to leak tears.
She was mere miles away from her family’s home—she would almost give anything to get a long hug from Mom or to see Dad’s camels again.
Except, she didn’t have the time for a detour, there’d already been too many delays in her opinion.
The sooner she modified the tropes from her plot, the better.
“Well, good morning and welcome to Larian Community College of Secondary Characters!” A raspy voice called out from behind.
Em and Sasha turned.
A gnoll dressed in a plaid skirt and bulky cardigan smiled past her fangs at them.
She approached along the winding sidewalk and handed them each a welcome flier, reciting the motto printed across the front: “This is where we seek to empower overlooked heroes and humble adventurers with the skills, confidence, and knowledge to shape their own destinies; one epic background story at a time!”
“Oh, how fascinating!” Sasha set her full attention on the flyer, grinning ear to ear. “Do you all offer any erotica courses?”
“Saaaaasha,” Em growled.
“We do!” the gnoll tour guide said. “Are you interested in minoring in Romantasy Smut?”
“I am now,” Sasha smirked, hands on her hips.
“Sasha!” Em snapped. “We’re here to recruit, not be recruited.”
“You are.” The dryad waved her off.
Em sucked in a deep breath to steady herself. At least the list of oddities and diversity of majors the college offered appeared promising. The longer she read over the brochure, the new thought struck her. This was where Gair was going to attend school.
And then he followed her.
Em flinched at the memory of the betrayal in his eyes when she tried to friendzone him. How angry he’d become. How she’d regretted the rejection the moment she said it out loud.
How their kiss set her veins on fire.
“We are so glad you’re here today,” the gnoll tour guide tore Em from her thoughts. “The wonderful thing about becoming a Secondary Character is there is less pressure than pursuing an advanced role like a Main Character.”
The gnoll went on happily, guiding them through the winding, tree-lined paths of the small campus. “You’re able to experience all the joys and thrills of a real-life fantasy novel and see your name in a book, all without needing to be in the main spotlight!”
“And that’s how I like it!” Sasha practically skipped. Almost like Polo did.
A trio of students in blue wizard hats rushed past, smiling and waving at them. Books and wands were tucked under their arms. Their robes brushed past Em’s ankles. Just like Faylorn used to dress.
Focus. Em rubbed her eyes. Dammit, what has gotten into you?
“You appear to be developing a Character Separation Attachment Disorder,” Inky sang out cheerfully from her knapsack.
“Would you like to take a moment to pause the current sequence? That would allow you to catch your breath and talk about how to resolve your disagreement with your Side Characters before continuing. While it is common for writers to become reclusive during their creative spurts, it is not recommended to avoid social contact from the outside world…”
“No, Inky, just let me get through with this tour,” Em whispered so she didn’t interrupt the gnoll and Sasha chattering.
“Alrighty!” Inky said. “Just be forewarned… the further you travel from your party and the longer you delay a reunion or resolve any underlying communicational issues, the more you will struggle to adapt to your environment.”
“I’m fine.”
“My name is Dubrovina,” the gnoll said, interrupting whatever else Inky intended to say. “Let’s head into the student union so we can discuss your recruitment process. Then you can meet some of the candidates I’ve handpicked for your internship needs.”
“You already told her why we’re here?” Sasha whispered to Em as they followed Dubrovina into one of the many look-alike buildings.
“I wrote it in that we were recruiters for student interns before we arrived.” Em shrugged. “That way we could save as much time as possible.”
Sasha’s eyebrows flew upwards, her lips thinning. “Smart.”
Except, her strained tone didn’t match her response.
“I wrote that Larian would provide candidates for our questline,” Em explained as they wove through narrow halls between metal lockers and past small cafes that smelled too much like fried grease.
Fluorescent lighting glared overhead, unnatural compared to the weeks she had spent on the road in medieval-themed regions.
Their boot heels squeaked along the linoleum tiles, and a quiet pop song played along a speaker system throughout the narrow halls.
“You sure you want super original Side Characters, sweetheart?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“You never know what to expect,” Sasha whispered. “Original can also include weird, strange, or completely insane.”
“That’s what I want.” Em rolled her eyes. “I’m damn tired of predicting everything.”
“And yet, the predictability of things has allowed you to stay alive,” Sasha went on. “If you sink too deep into originality, you might get yourself killed or upstaged. If either of those things happens, I won’t get paid at the end of all of this. Or worse, the White Rose Valley…”
“I’ll literally take anything other than what I’ve been struggling with,” Em said.
Dubrovina paused outside a conference room, smiling as best a gnoll could. She motioned for the girls to go inside.
“Right this way. Dr. Soule selected some of our top test-scored students for the Originality 101 finals last year. They’re all seniors and are currently working on their graduation thesis, so they’ll flourish in your program.”
“These kids know this internship is for an actual questline with an actual necromancer, right?” Sasha asked, hesitating outside the doorway, blocking Em from seeing the students inside. “Like, the actual villain who’s preparing to invade all of Novella right now?”
“We encourage all our students to get hands-on experience prior to graduation.” Dubrovina nodded. “I promise your internship will not be anything they cannot handle.”
“Okaaaaaaayyyyy, if you say so.” The way Sasha’s frown deepened sparked irritation in Em’s already stressed mind.
Why the dryad was suddenly getting second thoughts about everything—right when she was on the brink of transforming the plotline for the better— frustrated her.
Does literally no one in this shitty story believe in me anymore?
Inside the conference room sat a wooden table, shrouded in flickering oil-lamp light. An assortment of maps of Novella’s various realms hung along the stony walls. The sudden shift from contemporary college into a fantasy chamber nearly made Em trip over her own boots.
Half a dozen eyes locked on her, a variety of species and character classifications all staring at her hopefully.
Sasha settled into one of the leather armchairs, kicking her feet up on the table without a care in the world. But pressure closed in on Em, and she swallowed, struggling to find her voice.
“Let me know if you need any help or have any questions about any of our candidates’ backgrounds!” Dubrovina called out. The door clicked quietly behind the gnoll, and she whisked away down the hall somewhere else.
Quiet, lemon-scented dimness engulfed them.
In a flash, a lavender Tiefling girl in a yellow pullover offered her hand to Em. Her smile shone even past her pink eyes. “I’m Ming, Wizard Mentor in Training!”
Due to Ming’s stubby horns along her brow, she had a small wizard hat embroidered across her left breast. A chained pocket watch hung off her collar, and a wand was strapped to her belt along her hip.
“I’m Em.” She shook the student’s wiry hand.
Despite her unfortunate major, Ming didn’t appear unoriginal like Faylorn.
An ounce of hope seeped back into Em, and her nerves cooled.
“Dubrovina said you needed a new mentor for a questline,” Ming went on, already taking initiative; it was such a relief for someone else to take charge for once.
“I have some experience working with chapter books at the local Lewis Elementary School down the street—which I know isn’t quite the same as what you’re asking for, but I brought an entire list of potential opportunities for us to work through together…
and omygosh I’m so excited to be meeting a real Main Character! ”
“Breathe, Ming,” one of the male students called from across the room.
Ming giggled, tucking her indigo hair behind her pointed ears. “Right, yes, of course.”
Em surveyed the guy who’d spoken. He looked—usual. Too average and ordinary; like he was a random human student pulled from the cafeteria and didn’t even really know why he was there. Even his Larian hoodie was frayed and well-worn in all the right places.
“I’m Harry.” He gave a limp salute. “I was a Love Interest Major with a minor in Vampire Lore, but I had to switch to General Side Character Historical Studies this past semester.”
“Why?” Sasha asked.
Harry let out a loud sneeze.
“He’s allergic to love,” Ming said.
“Excuse me?” Sasha laughed.