Chapter 26 Parody #2
“You heard her.” Harry wiped his nose on a handkerchief, his entire face blushing.
“My doctor said I’m deadly allergic to any kind of romantic vibes or heartbreak.
I have to stay clear of anyone I’m attracted to and unfortunately…
” he glanced at the girl beside him, then sneezed violently again. “That’s difficult to do.”
“Oh, I approve of this guy,” Sasha nodded at Em.
A slight paleness in Harry’s expression and silver-tipped edges to his hair were the only characteristics that he was a vampire.
It would make him original compared to the stereotypical vampires from Meyer’s Realm.
Harry’s name was also as basic as he initially appeared, a juxtaposition of stereotypical white college guy with a couple of weird traits.
Em could already imagine how pissed Roden and Gair would be if they had to stay away from her unless they wanted to be constantly sneezed on. The moment their fawning and yearning over her got too close, Harry would expose them.
The girl beside Harry folded her hands like a dignified lady.
She had the longest, golden hair Em had ever seen, coiled in small braids about her crown.
Perfectly powdered makeup shimmered along her flawless skin, and her elegant curves were emphasized by her pink, floral crop top.
She could’ve been a cheerleader at Sanderson at some point.
Even her fingernails had hearts manicured across the almond-shaped tips.
“I’m Jane,” the girl said, her clear voice an octave higher than a soprano.
An awkward pause hung between Em and Jane. The girl just batted her lashes.
“What is your specialty?” Em asked.
“Oh, I don’t have one,” Jane said. “I’m just a Nursing Major. I transferred last year from Han and Yoon University in Greentown.
“She claims that, but none of us believe her,” Ming interjected. “She’s top of our class, basically destined to be valedictorian, and she’s already been featured in multiple Greentown novels as a Side or Background character.”
“Really?” Em’s interest rose. A contemporary character in a fantasy questline would be more than innovative.
“What’s your skin care routine, sweetheart?” Sasha leaned forward, examining every flawless feature on Jane. “You sure you aren’t part angel or something?”
Harry sneezed again.
“I like bronzer drops,” Jane said. “And I avoid any sugary coffees. I prefer chai lattes. Especially the pumpkin spice ones.”
Sasha motioned toward Jane, grinning at Em. “I like this girl. I think we’d get along swimmingly.”
“Are you fully human?” Em asked.
Jane nodded.
“Again, I don’t believe a thing she says,” Ming went on. “There’s no way a basic Greentown chick like her got a full ride here by growing up playing soccer.”
“I like soccer,” Jane shrugged.
“What talents or skills could you bring to our quest?” Em asked. “Anything you specialize in that would benefit my plot?”
“My mom says I’m good at improv,” Jane said. “And I have experience in other stories, like Ming mentioned. So, I’m familiar with the high risks and demands of being a Secondary Character.”
“But what about fantasy stories?” Sasha pushed. “How do you feel about orc guts?”
“I’m a nursing major,” Jane shrugged again.
“We could use a healer,” Em pointed out, and Sasha nodded in agreement.
“You’ve gotten how far into this prophetic quest without a healer?” Ming exclaimed. “Isn’t that super risky? What classes do you have in your current party?”
Em’s stomach flip-flopped as her friends’ faces flashed across her memory. That aching tug Inky warned her about gnawed at her again, and she gripped at her skirt pocket where the pen hid for support.
“A rogue, an impish sidekick, a ranger,” Sasha listed off. “We lost our previous mentor.”
“Oh.” Ming’s face creased. A tinge of disappointment thickened in her voice. “It’s one of those types of quest lines?”
“For now!” Em panicked. She pulled Inky out of her pocket, flashing the glittery quill pen at the students. “I’m working on changing it for the better. Nobody’s ever taken a shitty cliché story and changed it like I have before. It’ll be monumental!”
Ming nodded, Harry’s eyes widened, and Jane was too busy inspecting her manicure to care.
“That does sound pretty awesome!” the mentor-in-training smiled again. “One of my professors did say, ‘Your story is whatever you make it, so make it an interesting one.’“
“That is not the quote,” Harry grumbled past a sniff.
“Whatever.” Ming waved the vampire off. “My point still stands.”
“What about this guy?” Sasha motioned under the table.
Em crouched, suddenly aware that a fourth student hid sprawled underneath the conference table. The smallest trickle of blood streamed along the nap of his neck.
Her stomach jolted.
“That’s Marq,” Harry said indifferently. He kicked at the body under the table, causing Marq to let out a gasp. “He likes to pretend to die whenever he wants to get out of an assignment.”
“You hit my shin, bro.” Marq, the burly, giant of a ruffian, crawled out from under the table, groaning.
“You can’t die your way out of everything, Marq,” Ming scoffed, standing over him with her arms crossed. “It’s not professional.”
“I can sure try.” Marq grinned up at Em, leaning on his elbows, still on his stomach in the middle of the floor.
A few tattoos crowned his forehead and formed a collar about his neck.
He had multiple piercings across his face and a haphazard undercut of dark hair.
Otherwise, he appeared human as Jane—just on a giant scale.
“I’m majoring in Guild Studies with the intention of pursuing a Master’s in Death Etiquette,” he said.
“Sasha’s a Leiber Guild member,” Em said, trying to connect with the strange guy.
Sasha didn’t say anything. Her amber eyes danced between the intern candidates. She shifted a few times in her leather chair, pulling her boots off the table. The more time spent around these students, the more confidence drained away from the dryad.
“Marq’s useless,” Harry said, sneezing again. “He will literally do nothing.”
“He’s super strong, though,” Ming cut in, trying to vie for the barbarian. “When in a cinch, he’ll crush your worst enemy’s skull.”
“Yeah, and pretend to die in the process,” Jane snorted.
“You all seem to know each other already,” Sasha interjected, finally breaking her silence.
“Oh, we’ve been friends since freshman orientation, and Jane joined our crew last year,” Ming said. “We try to take all similar electives together and like to study together over brunch at the Central Perk Cafe and Roastery around the corner.”
“I love brunch,” Jane added. “Especially a matcha and scone after a marathon.”
“Of course you do,” Harry muttered, sneezing.
“Em, can I have a moment in private?” Sasha slid out of the conference room, dragging Em with her. She waited until the door slammed behind them before reeling on her.
“What in Novella are you thinking, sweetheart?”
“What the hell do you mean?” Em’s heart skipped a beat.
“We cannot just adopt a half-trained party of college students to solve all of your problems!” Sasha whisper-shouted, gesturing between words.
“You already have a cast of characters at your beck and call; you can’t just throw them away in pursuit of some young hopefuls who think their dreams are about to be fulfilled by you! ”
“Why not?” Em snapped. “What the hell have Polo or Gair or Roden ever done for me?”
“Um, Gair literally killed Brolzross for you, and Polo took you to the FOURTH WALL,” Sasha said. The mere sound of their names sent Em’s mind into a blurring ache, tugging at her to go back to them.
“I’ve tried to keep the mood light and everyone happy and been your wing-girl this whole time,” the dryad went on. “But you need to make the others original with you, not just drag and condemn another party into your mess!”
“I can do whatever the hell I want,” Em sniffed. “I’m a Great Author, and this is my story.”
“I get that,” Sasha said. “Except you aren’t going to get your answers here, sweetheart. You need to face your problems, not keep running away from them.
“No matter what I’ve done, nothing has worked,” Em argued.
“When I tried back at Mercer, they all rejected me. You saw the way Roden and Gair yelled at me after the orc incident. This is my chance to get an ounce of change in my shitty plot. And remember what Beedle said at the shop, that Novella is on the brink of falling apart? I have figured out how to control everything. If our world doesn’t destroy itself, Kriqir will. ”
“I wish you’d never stolen that stupid pen,” Sasha spat.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” the dryad ranted on. “It’s… changing you. And not for the better.”
“Because of Inky, I’m more aware than ever how fucked my life is,” Em said. “But I’ve got a chance now to change everything for the better. You’ve got to trust me, Sasha. I’m about to get everything under control. We just need to reset the stupid story.”
Sasha stared for a moment, her eyes dancing between Em’s calculating.
“This is what I want,” Em went on. “I want to dictate how my life goes. I want to choose who fights beside me… it’s why I hired you in the first place. You told me yourself you wanted to see if it’s actually possible for a Main Character to take their story into their own hands.”
Sasha cracked, the creases along her face softening. She nodded, averting her gaze.
“You’re right.”
“I need you to help me,” Em said.
“I need you to not become like the Great Authors,” Sasha retorted. “Don’t get so caught up in what you want that you become like one of those soulless gods who don’t care what happens to us unimportant characters.”
“I won’t.” Em laid a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “You’re too important to me.”
Sasha managed a weak grin.
“I’m not going to let this shitty questline ruin anyone,” Em said. “I’m going to ruin it first, starting with a new batch of Side Characters.”
“That’s the spirit,” Sasha said.
Dubrovina reappeared around the corner. She gasped and hobbled like the poor gnoll had run across campus to come check on them. She hugged a clipboard to her chest. “Are you ladies alright? Something wrong?”
“Just discussing our plotline,” Sasha waved the gnoll’s panic off.
“How do you like the intern candidates?” Dubrovina asked. A glimmer shone through her beastly eyes. “Any of them stick out to you? Would you like their background files or have any further questions?”
Em shook her head. “No need.”
Dubrovina fumbled with her clipboard, clicking open a pen and scribbling notes. “Were they not satisfactory? I could see if Dr. Kelsier has any more…”
“Oh no, they’re horribly perfect.” Em couldn’t bite back her grin.
“They are?” The gnoll’s smile grew.
“I’m hiring all of them.”