Chapter Thirty-Eight
Asher
W e bathed before we had the serious conversation that we both knew needed to happen. Bellamy held me, working knots from my hair and massaging oils into my stiff shoulders. Our fight—if one could call it that—still hung in the air, just as my disappearance and the many losses since did. There would be no reprieve from the pain, the guilt, and the horror that had occurred in the last year.
When we finished, he dried me off and carried me back to the bed, tucking our still-naked bodies beneath the quilts. He radiated warmth, combating the chill of the Sophistes mountaintops. Slightly shaky fingers slowly tucked my hair behind my ear before sliding down my jaw and under my chin, tilting my face up as his thumb rubbed soft circles on my skin. I missed those eyes of ice, so stunning and bright—familiar. I wanted to kiss every freckle that dotted his face, if only to gently release his tension and heartache. But that was not what he wanted, and he deserved more.
“The night of the afriktor attack, I had a strange nightmare. There was this creature, fae-like but slightly other. He told me you would sooner kill me than love me, like a threat disguised as a warning. Since then, he has visited my dreams a few times, professing his devotion and love to me.”
Bellamy’s finger stilled, his gaze narrowing. I continued, pushing through while knowing it would only get worse.
“I was not sure what he was, and I did not know how to tell you about it. But when I was in Gandry, he portaled me, like when you call to items or clothing. Getting there was a blur, but when I awoke, he was already waiting for me. At one point, I stabbed him in the chest with my dagger.”
Somehow, despite the seriousness of the story, Bellamy chuckled, motioning for me to go on as he calmed himself.
“But what I later learned was that he was…” My voice trailed off, not knowing how to put into words that I not only met a god but also that he was obsessed with me. After a few seconds passed with Bellamy just looking at me with a blank expression, I sighed and continued. “He was a god. The God of Death and Creation specifically. His name is Padon, and he is convinced that I am the love of his life. I do not know why, just that he is.”
Bellamy sat up, his hands rubbing his face as he hunched forward. I followed him, letting the blanket pool around our waists as I wrapped my arms around him. There was a heartbeat of time that I feared he might push me away, but instead, he pulled me closer. Then I heard a deep inhale of air through his nose, like perhaps he was seeing if I smelled differently.
“I did not have sex with him—if that is what you are trying to figure out. Nor did he force himself on me. Or, well, that is not necessarily true. He did kiss me, both in my dreams and while I was there.” A deep growl-like sound emanated from the prince, his body shaking against mine. Quickly, I tugged him closer adding, “He paid for it.”
Once more, I was stuck trying to decide how to continue with this story, which likely sounded insane. Would he believe that I rode dragons and saw a teal sun and read stories of the gods within the home of one? If I told him that six days there was over two months here, would he believe it? None of it seemed real, but then again, what else would explain my disappearance?
“I tried to get back. Everyday, Wrath and I went to Padon’s stupid library, looking through book after book, never finding anything. It was not until I refused him for what felt like the hundredth time that he grew angry enough to send me home. Even then, I do not think he meant to, and I fear he will take me again. While I was there, less than a week passed. But here, it has been months. If he were to steal me away, the war could break out, and I would not be here to stop it.” I shook my head, wishing I could rid myself of the thought and the god.
“I cannot believe that is what your mind immediately thought. Ash, do you not see the problem with what you said? You fear not being here to save the world rather than fearing what could happen to you there. He could rape you or kill you, and all that you can think about is the war?” His voice grew harsher with each sentence, that temper of his winning out far more than usual. But loss could do that to a person, and Bellamy had suffered immensely in that regard.
“Let’s not argue. Genevieve told me about what happened while I was gone. You deserve peace, Bell.” I paired my words with a soft kiss to his forehead, then his chin, both cheeks, his nose, and finally his mouth—copying the very thing he did to me time and time again.
I felt more than heard his heavy exhale, his arms tightening around me, like a boat and its anchor. And I would gladly be that for him. If he needed a safe place, I wanted to be one. I would weather any storm he threw my way, because it was an honor to be his.
Even if I might not always be.
“When you disappeared, it was like pieces of me went with you—all the good ones. I was angry and scared, and it was hard not to destroy the world itself. When we were arranging to attack Isle Shifter, the plan had been to only kill those highly enough ranked that it would make a difference in the war. But the demons were angry. We have sustained a lot of attacks, only a few stopped by the army. Many lost family over the last few months. I did not take that into account.”
He looked away from me, shame painting his face red. My fingers traced a line up his jaw, massaging his head when I reached his hair. A sigh escaped his lips before he continued, adjusting so our noses touched as he spoke.
“I killed a lot of innocent fae that night. They were only doing what they were told. By then, Luca had already been silent long enough for us to be worried. Even Noe could not find him. Cyprus was on edge, Henry was dealing with my unstable ass, and Lian was training the new recruits. Even after Trint brought soldiers from his kingdom as well as the king of Heratt, who later sent forces, I could not focus. So much was happening, and all I could think was that you were gone and you might never come back.”
Even though I had not chosen to leave, I still felt the guilt of all that occurred in my absence. All that I could have stopped. Bellamy’s hands were not the only ones coated in blood.
“Then they sent us Luca. It was…horrific. None of the cuts were clean. It looked like they used a rusted and dull knife. Ranbir said that his limbs were cut off while he was still alive. That was not the only torture they committed upon him either; he was in horrible shape. I just—I hate myself for it. He was barely in his eighth decade. He was kind and brave and strong and so funny. Luca was my brother in every way that mattered, and he died because I sent him to Betovere.”
I shook my head, moving to cradle his face in my hands. He did not cry, but I could sense the excruciating agony within him.
“No, Bellamy. You cannot put that on yourself. There was nothing Luca would not have done for his home. He loved Eoforhild. And he loved you, just as much as you love him. Do not taint his memory by tying it to this self-loathing.” My voice was soft, our noses still pressed together. I knew how deeply the hatred of oneself could consume a being, and I would be damned if I let that happen to Bellamy again.
“You do not understand. I would do it all again, Ash. If it meant preventing your abduction. If it kept Luca safe. If it brought Winona and Pino back. I would do so, so much worse. To my core, I am evil and vile, and I will not change. Ever.”
I jerked back, looking at him with baffled surprise.
Bellamy, the one who saved and loved and taught so many—who was prepared to rule over creatures who despised him for what he was—evil? What unjust world would ever call him evil when he was poised to save it?
Would he do the hard things, the ones that made others deem him a monster but ultimately protected us all? Yes. Did he wish he could walk away from it all without looking back? Of course. But, no matter what, he would do the right thing, in whatever way he thought that was.
Even if he did not believe that he would.
Squeezing him slightly, I forced his head to tilt up, making sure he was looking into my eyes as I spoke.
“Sometimes saving the world requires the villain, not the hero. But being the villain does not mean you are evil, it just means someone else is telling the story.”
***
We stayed in bed for the remainder of the day, my stress skyrocketing as I pictured all we could get done. But Bellamy was unwavering in his request that we remain in the room. Wrath joined us eventually, complaining that I did not kill The Elemental when I had the chance.
Bellamy and I stole sweet kisses but did not come together again, even after Wrath left at nightfall—calling us disgusting beasts as he did.
It was a clear night, the sky full of so many stars that I wondered if perhaps Stella was there and smiling down at us. Or maybe nightfall was a brief glimpse of Eternity, afforded to all who cared to look. A sign that the darkness was not something to be feared because everything shined brighter within it.
Sometimes, on my optimistic days, I pictured Eternity crafting Bellamy and I, making us specifically for the other. As wishful as that thinking was, I still smiled at the thought.
“One day, we will find a way to free ourselves from this mess,” Bellamy said, pulling me from my thoughts. I looked up at him, confusion pinching my brow. His eyes were already on me, the serious expression he wore making me suddenly far more alert than I had been.
“What do you mean?” Free us from what?
“There will come a day when we are free, Asher. To live, to learn, to love. We will see the world slowly, stopping to smell flowers and eat pastries and drink mead. The two of us will survive on the taste of each other and the fuel of adventure. I am going to give you everything you never let yourself dream of.” Nothing could compare to the doting surety in his voice, the absolute refusal of any other outcome. Despite the unrealistic nature of those promises, I loved to simply listen to him speak of such futures.
“Queens do not abandon their realm to travel. We will not have the luxury.” Even if we ended up side by side on the thrones, we still would have duties that forced our hand.
“A queen can do whatever she wants,” he argued, waving a hand nonchalantly. “I think I’ll take you through Betovere first. We can make it a celebration, a chance to officially meet their new queen—if you choose to rule over them, that is.”
“Why would I not?” I questioned, my tone embarrassingly defensive.
“Well, you do not have to, Ash. There are others qualified. You can even pick. The rules after war are murky, especially when you will be changing so much already. We could rule in Eoforhild or not at all. I would live in a hole if you told me to.”
My head fell back as my laughter split the air. He took the opportunity to bring his lips to my throat, peppering kisses from the base where my collarbones met and up.
“I will keep that in mind when you infuriate me in the future.” My voice was breathy, heart beating like a hummingbird. Oh, he knew exactly what he was doing.
“As long as there is a future where we are together, then I am more than happy,” he whispered, breath hitting my ear just as his fingers dipped between my legs.
“We should get up. There is a lot to do.” My muttered excuse was pathetic at best, seeing as there was nothing we could do in the middle of the night. Still, I felt the need to stop before he talked me into something I normally would not agree to, especially as his mouth began to drop lower.
“Tomorrow, we can spend the day saying hello to our family and introducing you to everyone. You have a horribly depressing whisp with a penchant for saying inappropriate things to reintroduce yourself to. Plus, there are a lot of mortals eager to meet a goddess.” He continued leisurely touching me, his tongue darting out to lick a small line down my stomach before biting down near my belly button. I moaned as his free hand began to palm my breast, pointer finger and thumb momentarily pinching my peaked nipple.
“I will give you one day. Then I leave.” Biting down on my lip, I stifled a groan at the feel of lips on my hip. “Without Maliha, we will need every mortal kingdom on our side.” Two digits slipped inside of me, slightly punishing in the speed and pressure.
“Fine. One day of joy before I have to get pissed off by a bunch of mortals,” he growled. And then his tongue swiped a line up my core, causing my hips to buck up as his fingers continued to dip inside of me.
“You are not coming.” He laughed against me at my word choice, but all I could do was resist the urge to cry out as he sucked my clit into his mouth. “You—you have things to do. Important things. You are needed here.”
My eyes darted down and locked on his as he shook his head, face still firmly planted between my legs. We both knew I was losing, but only one of us took advantage. A third finger entered me, curving upward as his mouth consumed me. This time, I did cry out, his name leaving my lips like a prayer. Without another word, my hands went to his hair, tugging and guiding as he brought me to the brink of tears from the pleasure.
“Come, Asher. Come for me now. ” And I did, proving that the only place where I knew how to follow instructions was the bedroom.
He swallowed the latter half of my screams, getting to me so fast that his lips were still dripping from my satisfaction. When his tongue wrapped around mine, I knew I lost. I would give him anything, and he knew it.
For my pride, I tried one final time, my words coming out as pants between gasping breaths. “You are staying here.”
He pulled away, smiling down at me with those maddeningly perfect dimples. “Where you go, I go.”
Before I could answer, his length filled me, the delicious pressure enough to make even me agreeable.
In one night, Bellamy reminded me of all the ways I needed him.
***
The next morning, I woke to an empty bed. I groaned, sitting up and searching the room. It was quaint, the natural rock of the mountain being met with wood to craft a livable space. A large tapestry hung on the back wall, depicting what looked like The Royal City—the towering castle upon the hill surrounded by small cottages wrapped in vines and lilies of the valley sprouting from the grass. A wave crashed into the cliffside, water splashing against the Ayad castle. The art did not look like anything I had seen of Bellamy’s, somehow making it less alluring despite the lovely imagery. Small wooden tables sat on each side of the bed, which had a thick red quilt. A petite wardrobe was placed on the opposite wall from a desk that resided below the window.
Bellamy’s scent of smoke and cinnamon filled the room, wrapping me in the smell of home.
I moved to get out of bed, stretching as my toes touched the floor. Then the door swung open, revealing the prince himself. His hands held wooden trays, food and beverages stacked on top. Around his hips were a pair of black cotton trousers, which hung so low they showed the V of muscle pointing downwards as well as the dusting of black hair starting at his navel and trailing south. Nothing covered his torso, the ripples of muscle looking even larger than they had been in Shah’s castle. He was like a living sculpture. Even the black lines—which currently ran from his elbows to his chest and stopped at his hips—only heightened his beauty.
Hair wild and cheeks flushed, he walked forward, shutting the door with a bare foot. From his mouth hung a single flower, the muted red stem and vibrant green leaves perfectly highlighting the lively red petals. I gasped as he got closer, thinking of the first time I ever saw one.
“How did you get a Salvia Splenden? You said they only grew in Haven.”
His hands deftly placed the trays at the end of the bed, not a single drop of tea or food spilling. Then, almost hesitantly, he grabbed the flower from his mouth, snapped the stem, and tucked the flower behind my ear.
Cheeks blazing, I smiled up at him, reaching to touch the flower. It was as soft as I remembered, the delicate petals smelling of fresh fruit and mint. Bellamy’s face was open and full of joy, his eyes sparkling with love. I could sense the way it pulled me in, that unfaltering loyalty and commitment to me, just as clearly as I could sense the thousands of other residents within the mountain base. Even with their thoughts and feelings pressing against my mental gates, my focus did not waver from the male before me.
“You liked them; I could tell. And so did I. They were special to me. So, the last time I met with Calista, I took some. Lara has taken good care of them. Though I have twice caught her trying to convince them that they might be better off dead.” His laugh was enchanting, the deep sound singing to my soul. But his words…they were a reminder of my many wrongs.
“I am so sorry for how I treated you back then. I cannot begin to explain how hard it was to live within my own head. Fighting against two hundred years of lies and manipulation, it was taxing. And I think a part of me thought that if I admitted that you were not the enemy, then it would mean I was.” He watched me as I spoke, his eyes downturned and his lips pursed. “You deserved better. You still do.”
His lips were on me in an instant, a claiming kiss that only broke for him to repeatedly mutter the same word. “No.”
Somehow, I forgot how perfect it was to exist beside him. And now, I wondered if I would ever be able to split from him again. He sat on the edge of the bed, our lips parting. He rubbed our noses together then placed a kiss to my forehead before bending down to grab my feet. I smiled as he adjusted them on his lap, fingers massaging as he spoke.
“The trainees are excited to meet you. I have planned a few sparring sessions where they will get to experience firsthand what you can do. I want you to give it your all, magic included. Every single one of them should be covered in their own piss by the end of the day.”
This time, it was my turn to chuckle. Pulling my feet away from him and moving onto my knees, I leaned forward and flicked his nose, promptly stretching over him to grab a cinnamon roll. When he smacked my backside, I let out a loud snort and nearly choked on my bite. As payback, I took the pastry and shoved it into his face, watching with more desire than amusement as he took the whole thing and my finger into his mouth. I felt his tongue circle my pointer finger before releasing it with an audible pop, my jaw slack as he chewed with a smirk on his face and a mischievous glint in his blue eyes.
Shaking my head, I snatched another from the tray, this time quickly returning to my spot near the pillows. We ate mostly in comfortable silence, only small conversations sparking here and there. The chai smelled divine, and I knew the second it hit my tongue that Ranbir had made it. Though I knew he forgave me, it was still hard to finish without thoughts of Winona—of all lost since then—swirling through my mind.
Once we finished, Bellamy took the trays and placed them on one of the tables then swiftly got up and went to his wardrobe. Black leather caught my eye, the stitching detailed enough that, even from a distance, I could see the demon sigil on it. After collecting everything he needed, the prince walked over to me, offering me his hand.
I took it, knowing exactly what he planned. Though I was aware, I still felt butterflies take flight in my stomach as he slowly slipped the top over my head, his fingers and lips meeting my skin here and there.
Before putting on my undergarments and trousers, he grabbed one of my legs and lifted it over his shoulder, mouth diving between my thighs. I jerked against his tongue, my fingers threading through his hair both for stability and as an anchor to life itself. His free hand grabbed my backside, squeezing hard and shoving me further into his face. I could not stop my head from falling back, a whimper leaving my lips as he feasted upon me.
“Gods, Ash. You taste so good,” he rasped, a moan following his words. I returned the sentiment, whimpering and grinding against his face in ecstasy. “Yes, Princess, fuck my face. You are doing so good.”
If his tongue had not left me teetering on the edge of oblivion, then his voice would have. I chased that high, one of my hands palming my leather-clad breast and the other holding onto Bellamy’s hair for dear life.
“Now, come in my mouth. Do it for me.”
With his name on my lips and his head between my legs, I did as I was told.
And then, because I enjoyed the high of control just as much as the plunge of release, I took my turn on my knees before him.
***
A short time later, after we cleaned up and he finished dressing me, it was his turn. I shamelessly watched him pull the leather on, a smug smirk on his face the entire time. Every inch of it clung to him, hiding nothing of his shape and…assets. My feet took me forward of their own accord, just as my hands mindlessly explored his body. I was only given one lingering kiss, and then he was behind me, rubbing soothing circles into my scalp and braiding my hair back.
The prince was like gravity pulling me out of space. Past the stars made up of heartbreak and despair, out of the suffocating darkness made of fury and hopelessness, and to him—my beacon of light. For the first time, I felt like maybe I was close to deserving that unconditional love.
When he finished, he went back to his wardrobe, sifting through a drawer until he found what he was looking for. He came back with a stick of kohl and an intricate set of straps. I smiled at both, knowing exactly what I was about to be practicing. But Bellamy decided to apply the kohl below my eyes first, trapping his bottom lip between his teeth as he worked—teasing me without even realizing.
“Why do you do these things for me?” I could not help but ask, so unaccustomed to the type of love that came without conditions and orders. Over time, I came to the realization that I might not ever get used to it.
“Other than getting to touch you?” he asked, winking down at me. I rolled my eyes, earning a series of chastising tsks before he continued. “It soothes me. I enjoy being the one to take care of you, and I feel like this is the only way I can do so.”
“I like doing things on my own. I never got to make choices before.” It was a defensive response, one that was not necessary when I knew in my heart that he did not wish for me to be different.
A sparkle of amusement lit his eyes, melting the frozen depths that always stood in stark contrast to his fiery soul and the sunshine of his mind. “Being autonomous does not require being alone, and accepting help does not equal weakness.”
I had no chance to disagree before he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to my lips, the soft pressure a thing of beauty—of perfection. He bent down once more, strapping on the throwing daggers Henry had let me borrow. When he was done, he took a step back, looking me over.
“Do I look okay?”
“You look like a warrior.” He flashed a dimpled smile, offering me the stick of kohl when I held my hand out and sitting on the bed so I could properly reach. I was far worse at applying it than he was, but I had gotten enough practice over the last few months that I could manage a decent line below his lower eyelashes. Luckily for me, it did not take much for Bellamy to look like a warrior.
***
The training yard was hectic at best.
Mortals and demons were scattered about, their numbers mixed as they ran or practiced stances or sparred. Stone and grass made up the ground before us, not a single piece of padding to be seen. The mountainous area was not as cold down here. In fact, it almost felt like summer, which was a relief after nearly a year straight of fall and winter.
Bellamy was smiling ear to ear, his hand on my lower back and his head held high. There was pride in his walk, in his aura. The minds around us stirred, voices shouting into my head as I slowly let my magic loose.
The fae princess. She should not be here.
A goddess in the flesh, in our presence!
An abomination!
Perhaps we can spar together.
Will she show her magic?
She will defeat the fae!
Kill her before it is too late.
Hands grabbed my waist from behind, lifting me up. I was flipped midair before my stomach hit a rock-hard shoulder. Air escaped my lungs, leaving me momentarily stunned and gasping for breath. Until the male spoke.
“Well, little brat, I think it is safe to say you took dramatic to a whole new level.”
I laughed as Henry spun, my hands trying and failing to grip his leather top. His deep chuckles were a welcome sound, one I had grown pleasantly accustomed to and unknowingly missed. Slowly, he teasingly slid me down his body, setting me back on my feet with a smirk Bellamy’s way. I rolled my eyes when the prince let out a low huff and lightly smacked Henry’s freckled cheek, his beard now perfectly trimmed and his hair looking far better than when I had chopped it. I silently wondered who he had trusted to do that.
“I missed you, Ash.”
“I missed you too, pumpkin. The only one who desired your presence more than me was Wrath. Tell me, have you had the chance to embrace him yet?” A chill ran through Henry, his eye twitching. I beamed up at him, so happy to be with them all again. I could feel the sadness within him though, and I knew how he hid it behind winks and jokes—the only emotion he was capable of somewhat masking. “How are you doing?”
His gaze roamed to Bellamy, who stood just slightly behind me—a fading smile on his face. They seemed to have a silent conversation, as if any of Henry’s thoughts were hidden from me. Both nodded, and then Bellamy engulfed me in a warm embrace before kissing my forehead.
“I am going to go get the others. They have missed you.” He left without another word, patting Henry on the shoulder as he passed him. The Sun placed an arm around me, walking us towards a weapons rack. My arm instinctively slipped around his waist as we moved, my nerves skyrocketing as the silence stretched on.
“Henry?” I asked, unable to contain my curiosity or fester in the fear any longer. He sighed, arm tightening on me before he spoke.
“None of us are okay. We have lost a lot, and recovering will be a slow process. But you already know that. Having you back is a relief, at least. Some good news after two months of loss and horror. It helps that when you feel strong, we often do too. Your magic has this aura to it, like a presence that demands attention and obedience but also exudes hope and force.”
“Oh, please. They do not want to follow me. I am a walking nightmare to some of them. I can hear it, Henry.” As if saying so made the voices more desperate, I felt the thoughts barrel into my head, forcing me to pull my magic back in and lock those golden gates. Still, I felt them, rattling the lock and calling my name.
“Some resist you out of fear, but those who do not will grow stronger because of it—because of you. Trust me, we all physically felt your absence, not just emotionally.”
We arrived at the rack, and Henry grabbed two swords. They were nearly identical. Silver blade, sky blue hilt, and the demon sigil carved into the metal in black and white. I shook my head when he tried to give it to me, stepping back.
“I have not stretched yet, and I have not practiced since the last time you and I sparred.”
A smirk lit his face as he shoved the weapon towards me once more.
“My room is right next to Bell’s, Asher. I am confident you have done enough stretching.” With a wink, he tossed the sword the remaining few inches, forcing me to catch it or let the beautiful piece fall.
Instinctively, my hand reached out and snatched it from the air. I was still not nearly as skilled as the others, but I had my magic. Never did I rely on it, but I would be damned if I ever let myself think that I was wrong to use it again. I planted my feet and swung, but Henry was there, blocking it with his sword in one hand and a smile on his face.
“Someone sounds jealous. Tell me, has Genevieve not been around lately? She seemed a bit more agreeable when I saw her, perhaps someone else has fucked that uptight attitude out of her.”
After that, the fight seemed to get the slightest bit more serious.