14. Fourteen
They had fallen asleep. Ludelle woke up in darkness, with Zimyn’s arm curled around her waist tightly; his naked body fitted behind her own. She took a deep breath of him. The familiar scent eased her. Only this man would have the power to shatter her until she was weightless and piece her back together until she felt whole again in a matter of minutes.
She blinked away the tears that burned. This was all they had, and she savored him.
Zimyn moved, and she knew he was awake too when he kissed her shoulder gently.
She adjusted herself so that she faced him. “We fell asleep.”
His gentle smile didn’t look sorry. “We did.”
She trailed her sharp claws down his chest, his muscles flexing as she scored his skin. She loved having this effect on him.
“How did it feel when you were crowned?”
Ludelle pushed herself back, stunned by the sudden question. She thought about it, though. When Balvan told her the news of her parents passing, she didn’t register the words immediately. It had sounded like she was under water so they didn’t penetrate fully. Then, she walked away and slammed her door for privacy. Kotyn had sensed the storm of emotions because she had rushed to her side to comfort Ludelle.
“I felt relieved.”
Zimyn didn’t say anything, letting her get her words out.
“My whole life was leading to that exact moment. It could happen any day, and all that anxious waiting had built up. When it finally happened, I was glad I could just do what I was meant to do. Does that make sense?”
His soft eyes took her in. “Completely.”
She was so glad to have had him, to have someone who understood her so deeply like he did. It would hurt to watch him leave her. She kissed him deeply, and he responded to her immediately. Fervent touches turned to more, and he took his time with her, even while their time was running short. They finished with her laying on his chest, their legs tangled together.
What would life be like without him? When she first heard the news of his plans to leave, she thought she would be lonely. Now though, she would rely on her ladies in waiting. Any moment she wanted to crumble up, she would go to them. They could never truly replace Zimyn, but they could give her something close.
“Zimyn,” she said against his hard chest. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
He kissed her cheek, “Me too.”
“Will you forget me?” she asked.
“Never,” he responded, his morning-voice raspy.
Then she asked the question she had been the most afraid of hearing the answer to. “Was I not enough for you?”
He stiffened beneath her. “That’s not fair.”
“We could have been together.” She knew she was pushing it, but she didn’t care. He would be gone either way.
He pushed off the bed, shoving his feet into his pants, only stopping when he couldn’t find his shirt. She pointed to the corner. “I have been haunted by you since the moment I laid my eyes on you.” He exhaled sharply, thumbing a tight fist over his heart as if he wanted to rip through his flesh. “The moment I met you, I knew you would change the trajectory of my heart forever. You sealed it when you came running straight at me, even at your parents” chagrin, and showed me your powers that you were so excited about and stated that one day you would be Queen. I knew then that you were different. That being Queen was not a burden you dreaded but one you wanted to prove you deserved. And I loved that about you because I felt the same way about becoming Captain.”
Ludelle began crying but she didn’t wipe the tears away. “So have me,” her voice wavered, with this one last plea. “I’m all yours.”
He shook his head. “But I wouldn’t be. I would be your secret, and we both deserve better than that.” He cleared his throat. He was now fully clothed as Ludelle laid bare, only their once shared sheets providing her protection. “I’m leaving. I will not be your shadow. I will not allow people to dismiss your excellence by standing in your way.”
Ludelle’s heart shattered as Zimyn stepped out the door.
Zimyn thanked the Weather Gods that the halls were empty, save for a few guards standing watch, who were easy enough to avoid since he knew exactly where they were stationed. Growing up, he had loved the night shift. The quiet nights allowed him time to think without the worry of guests getting lost or the pressure of having to appear perfect at all times. He could relax his shoulders, a simple luxury. On lucky nights, Ludelle would visit him. She would sit on the opposite side of the wall with books or correspondences to read up on, or she would try to find ways to distract him, many times that consisted of throwing small icicles at his legs. But how could she never realize that just her presence would always be a distraction?
Now, he felt disassociated from himself, his body and mind two separate beings as if he had too much to drink.
He reprimanded himself for being so damn weak. They had been so close to her Undertaking. He knew having her completely would have made it harder for him to go, and it did. Stepping off the mattress had been like ripping off a limb.
He didn’t even know where he was headed. Perhaps he should shake off some of the anger before he tried interacting with anyone. Or he could go to his father and throw another ice figurine at the wall.
Rolling his neck, he decided on the training rings. He wouldn’t disrupt his father’s peace again.
He walked down and far, on the opposite side of the castle. It was a quieter area, since guests hardly went there. As he did, he noticed a trail of red.
He turned the corner and bumped straight into someone. Disoriented, Zimyn grabbed the person’s shoulders to steady them. Before he could fully comprehend what was happening, a shooting pain exploded on his thigh. He fell to his knees as it spread across his whole leg, no longer able to carry the weight of his body anymore.
He saw black right as Balvan’s face loomed out of the shadows.
“I knew you would always make things harder for me.” It was the last thing Zimyn heard before his head hit the ground.
When Zimyn came to, his head throbbed unbearingly. He had no clue where he was, only that it was dark and that his body ached from having been lying on a hard surface. His hands were tied, and he didn’t bother struggling. He relented himself to this.
Memories of the past few hours flashed behind his eyes. His solitude, Ludelle and him in bed together, his frustrations with himself.
“Good, you’re awake.” Balvan said as he walked in, the light from the hallway spilling through before the door shut again. Balvan held a lantern that barely illuminated anything, but Zimyn could just make out the outline of a desk and a bookshelf.
His study, then. Zimyn had never been inside it before, having been told it was strictly forbidden. His father had been very stern about that fact, so even as a child, Zimyn took no chances.
“We only have a short time.”
Zimyn knew that Balvan purposefully piqued his curiosity, and he despised that he so easily gave in. “Short time until what?”
“Glad you asked,” he responded cheerily. “The Undertaking. You and I will be participating.”
“I don’t understand.” How could they be participating? Only Ludelle and her future betrothed were supposed to be involved.
“Ludelle’s Undertaking is a unique one.” Balvan sat at his desk, resting his crossed heels on it. The dim light only allowed Zimyn to see the one side of his face clearly. “She has always been conflicted between the responsibility of her Court and her affection towards you.”
“So what, she’s going to be forced to pick between me and a noble?”
“Not anymore,” he said exasperated.
That was when Zimyn noticed the unmoving body. Lord Cirrus lay there, his neck at an awkward angle and red bloomed against his chest.
“What—”
“Lord Cirrus wanted you dead, especially when he heard that Ludelle was in your room. I stopped him.”
Zimyn shook his head confused. “Why? Why did you stop him?” Zimyn thought Balvan would be overjoyed if the advisor found the Queen’s Captain dead.
“Because a Queen in mourning would not be productive to this court.” Balvan didn’t let Zimyn get another word in. “The dream about the Undertaking came to Sveta a few months ago. She would have been forced to pick between you and Cirrus, until he tried ruining that.” Balavan nodded his head towards the dead body. “Sveta had a new dream last night. Ludelle will be picking between you and me.”
“Is that why you hated him? Why you pushed Ludelle away from him?”
“I pushed him away because I wanted his place.”
Zimyn scoffed. Of course he would want to be by Ludelle’s side. “Even if she picks you, you would only be her consort. You would have no actual power.”
“Maybe not at first, but ice is so fragile. Easily broken.”
Zimyn tried untying the damn knots of his binds, but he only accomplished making his skin raw. “Then just throw yourself into the Undertaking. Why give her the second option?”
“I don’t know the will of the Gods. Perhaps, the people need to see where her loyalties lie. She’ll hesitate when she learns. This is, of course, if you dare to enter with me. Perhaps, you’d prefer to wipe your hands of all this madness and leave immediately on your travels. Why sacrifice yourself to an unknown?”
Zimyn shook his head. “I have to enter.”
“And why’s that?”
“So she can prove to everyone that she’ll alway make the right choice. She’ll pick you and the court.”
Balvan shrugged, unconvinced. “We will see.”