Chapter 3
I spend the next three days going back and forth from the paper company, and hiding from my flatmates in my room.
I’m so embarrassed about how I acted at the audition I can’t handle even thinking about it, let alone telling anyone.
And so I avoid my sister’s texts asking whether I’ve heard back and ignore my parents’ calls.
And, when I’m really feeling like torturing myself, I read my Amelia Blackthorn books.
Thumbing the pages I folded over as a kid, when she said something particularly brilliant.
The ones I’ve returned to time and time again as an adult.
But they don’t give me the comfort they usually do.
Instead, I feel sad – like I’ve neither done justice to myself or to my love for Amelia.
On the third day, while at work, my phone rings. I rummage as discreetly as I can through my bag to find my phone and see Nat’s caller ID on the screen.
‘Shit,’ I exclaim, causing my colleague Peter, who sits opposite me, to pop his head over the top of the wall separating our desks, like a displeased badger. He peers at me through his glasses, frowning lightly at the disturbance.
‘Spilt my tea,’ I mouth, and his head pops back down.
‘Nat?’ I answer quietly, getting up so fast I knock a stapler off the desk, causing Peter to pop his head up again, the frown a little deeper this time.
‘Sorry,’ I whisper to him, holding the phone away from my ear and starting towards the doors.
‘Are you somewhere quiet?’ Nat asks, as I rush at breakneck speed through the office.
‘I will be in approximately three, two…’ I push open the glass doors of the office and spill out into the stairwell, pushing the door closed behind me and letting out a long breath.
‘One,’ I say.
‘Okay,’ she says. I frown a little at her tone – it’s almost the gentle, smooth voice she deploys to deliver rejection. But there’s something behind it that’s causing her voice to quiver ever so slightly.
‘They loved you, Lara,’ she says, joy flowing down the line.
‘What?’ I ask, my entire body going numb. I’ve gone through every emotion in the last few days, except this one. Hope. I was so sure I’d messed it up.
‘That’s right,’ she says, sounding more proud of me than ever before. And my heart soars momentarily. ‘You nailed it.’ Oh, my God.
She starts talking about the next steps in the process.
Another screen test. ‘Nothing’s secure yet,’ she says.
‘But it’s looking really good. As you know, they’ll be on a tight schedule due to the leads dropping out.
You’ll basically be thrown in at the deep end, straight into filming.
Learning the stunts as you go, rather than beforehand.
Everything woven into the six-week shoot.
But I’ve assured them you’re a true professional, that you can handle it. ’
‘I’m so happy for you, Lara,’ she continues. ‘You’ve worked so hard for this.’
And this – this certainty, this praise – is what sends me over the edge.
‘I don’t know if I can do this, Nat,’ I blurt out, my hand shaking.
I feel like I have to tell her about Avi, before this goes any further.
Especially given the level of trust they’ll be showing in me.
It seems crazy to me that they even want to see me again – that they’d be willing to cast a complete unknown on such short notice.
‘What?’ Nat asks, the joy in her voice grinding to a halt.
‘The history between Avi and me,’ I say. ‘It’s complicated. We…’ I pause, trying to figure out how to word it.
‘We were friends, for a while. Maybe more. And things didn’t end well between us.
I…’ I hesitate, the memory coming back. The text that broke my heart.
The long months of silence afterwards. ‘I already lost it at him in the corridor at the first screen test. I’m honestly surprised they’re even interested after that. ’
Nat takes a breath, processing my words. ‘Well,’ she says slowly. ‘I wasn’t going to share this with you, but the notes they gave me were that you were very passionate and they liked your chemistry with Avi. The altercation in the corridor was mentioned as an indicator of your shared chemistry.’
Oh, my God, I think. What?
Were they in a different corridor?
‘I just…’ I let out a breath. ‘I feel like I have to tell you the full story—’
‘Lara,’ she says, taking a deep breath. ‘I understand you have some concerns. And they make sense – they do. But I don’t think your history with this person is what’s important right now.
Honestly, I think you need to find a way to put it behind you and just focus on the role.
I know how much this part means to you, and getting it could be the start of incredible things for you. ’
I close my eyes, trying to imagine a reality where I can put the past with Avi firmly behind me and take a step into a new future.
Where I can remain in command of my emotions and channel them into a version of Amelia that’s fiery.
That inspires people. Be a version of myself that I’ve always wanted to be.
That might, now, be there for the taking.
‘They want to see you again this Friday, for an on-set screen test. Just a formality, really. They’re down to two: you and Sienna Marsh.’
Oh, shit. My heart slams against my chest when I hear that name.
Because I’ve heard it before, a million times.
And to hear it in this context is nothing short of insane.
The daughter of director Nicholas Marsh and it-girl-of-the-90s Georgina Staves, Sienna March is the golden child of Hollywood.
Famous since before she could walk, she’s had a lucrative modelling career – following in her mother’s footsteps – and recently displayed her talents as an actor too.
Her breakout role in a Marvel movie earlier this year made enough of a splash that she was tipped for a SAG award.
In addition to her many accolades, she is also known for being Avi’s on-again, off-again girlfriend. According to the tabloids, currently very much on. A wave of nausea moves through me at the thought.
Because it would be a PR dream to cast the two of them in this movie – a perfectly smooth solution, especially given the other leads have already dropped out and probably compromised the PR of the film.
And she’d be the much clearer choice: experienced, already in possession of a profile.
And yet somehow, after everything, I’m still in the running.
I blink, coming back to reality. To the sound of Nat’s voice.
‘They need an answer asap, so could you park your concerns for a few days and go to that screen test? Can you do that for me at least?’
Fuck.
I want to hesitate, to put the brakes on this.
But something stops me. Because this is, potentially, the role of a lifetime.
And some fire somewhere in me is still burning, set alight even further by what she’s just said.
This is between me and Sienna Marsh. And she’s living the life I’ve always dreamed of already.
A life of glittering success. Part after part that I’d have dreamed of getting as a child.
And something about being up against her is making it feel real – like it might be more in reach for me.
That speech I gave to Avi still holds true – that this part is everything I’ve ever wanted. And I’d be stupid not to give myself the chance I’ve worked towards for so long.
‘Come on, Lara,’ she says. ‘Just one more screen test? Alessandro wants to talk to you about your vision for the role too. Even if it doesn’t work out – and you know I’m hoping it will – just to get that far and have that conversation could be a great experience for you.’
Right, I think. It’s just one screen test. And a conversation with the director about a role I’ve been preparing for my entire life. No big deal. Except it is – a huge one. I have to take this chance.
Even if the thought of seeing Avi again makes me feel like I’m on fire.
‘Okay,’ I reply, resolve moving through me. ‘I’ll do it.’
‘Excellent,’ she says, sounding relieved.
★ ★ ★
A week later, after spending several days reading and re-reading the script and preparing for the conversation with Alessandro like my life depends on it, I head over to the studio where my next screen test will be happening.
By the time I arrive, I’m regretting my choice of transport.
I booked an Uber to save time but now I’m feeling carsick, and there was so much rush hour traffic that I’m barely five minutes ahead of my call time, and I was asked to arrive at minimum fifteen minutes early.
Which means, by Hollywood terms, I’m half an hour late.
We pull into the lot – a huge car park with a large grey building across from it.
It feels… strangely unassuming, given what I know is happening inside.
Like it could be a warehouse. Still, it’s my first time at a big studio, so my heart is racing.
The most I’ve ever done have been adverts, and this place has played host to blockbusters with bigger budgets than I can even fathom.
The people who have walked across this car park before me must be some of the most well-known names in the industry, a thought that has me feeling a little weak at the knees.
I cross the car park quickly and enter through the small blue door to the right specified in Nat’s email.
The lot is huge, though, and I’m immediately lost, swallowed by its corridors and staircases.
But I manage after a few minutes of wandering to find the right desk, and a receptionist signs me in and passes me into the care of a waiting runner, who ushers me further into the lot.
As I follow her down the long corridors, pushing open doors that say Auditions in Progress: Do Not Enter, the reality of what’s happening starts to sink in.
I’m at the final stage of an audition for my dream role.