Chapter 3 #2
The runner leads me to a door marked Green Room, holding it open for me. I’m hoping for a moment alone, to centre myself. To try to get my head around what I’m about to do.
But as I walk in, I see Avi.
He looks up, his face impassive.
‘Hi,’ I say. He nods.
‘They should be coming to call us through in a minute,’ he says, his voice neutral, and then looks back down at his script.
An awkward silence falls between us and I find myself wanting to break it.
Because I can’t handle this tension, not when I’m about to be running lines with the man.
And while I did lose my cool at him before, some remorse is coming through now.
Not for how I spoke to him – if we were in any other context, I’d have stood by what I said.
But because I did it in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
I might still be angry. And he might have hurt me, badly.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t own my actions.
‘I’m…’ I will myself to say it. ‘I’m sorry about how I behaved. At our last audition. It was unprofessional.’
He falters for a second and my throat tightens. His expression changes and if I didn’t know any better, I’d think he looked a little sad.
‘Before we do this…’ he says, under his breath, and my heart thuds. ‘I want to apologise too. For the other day.’
But then he pauses, his face falling. Staring at his script for a second.
‘For all of it.’ He looks up at me, his eyes burning with remorse.
His expression is so sincere, I almost want to look away.
‘All of it, Lara – I was awful and stupid, and I’m sorry.
For what I did back then and for not being more aware of how it would have affected you.
I shouldn’t have come in expecting everything to be fine. ’
I nod, feeling suddenly a little light-headed.
‘Thank you,’ I reply.
‘I mean it, Lara,’ he says. ‘And I hate this as much as you do. I have always – only – wanted you to succeed. You can hate me for everything else. But you have to know that.’
And my chest pinches as he says it. Because somewhere, deep down, some part of me wants to believe that what he’s saying is true.
But his feelings about my success can’t be relevant to me right now. Because if they are, then I have to let in everything else too. And I can’t do that. It seeped through, last time, and almost ruined everything.
I hesitate for a moment. Waiting for it to pass. Waiting to know what to say next.
But before I can say anything, a runner comes to take us to set.
The runner leads us down the corridor to the sound stage.
And when she pushes the door open, I have to stifle a gasp.
It’s beautiful, done up to look like a Victorian drawing room.
The walls painted a soft blue. Green velvet chairs arranged around an old fireplace.
Paintings hanging on the wall, of Avi’s character Jackson’s family.
Most of Amelia and Jackson’s meetings happen in his stately home in London – the very room they’ve recreated here.
I stand staring at it for a moment, speechless. It’s just how I imagined it when I was reading the book. Whoever designed this set really paid attention, maybe even loves the books as much as I do. There’s a sense of magic here.
A short man stands about three metres away from us, his head turned away in serious conversation with one of the camera operators.
From his stature and demeanour, I gather that it’s Alessandro D’Arienzo.
The film’s director. The man who holds my future in his hands.
I falter for a second as we come to a stop in front of him.
He turns around and I fight the urge to fix my appearance.
We’re not in costume today, but we’ve been asked to come in clothes as reminiscent of the time as we can, so I’m wearing a button-down blouse with a pointed collar, which I’ve tucked into a long silk skirt that I borrowed from Alison.
I ironed them both this morning but didn’t do a very good job. I look down and spot a crease.
Keep your cool, Lara, I think.
He greets Avi first with warmth, pulling him into a hug.
They’ve done a few films together already.
Must have spent a lot of time together by now.
My fingers move to the edge of the crease, about to smooth it out.
I’m nervous. Given I’ve already pretty much told them all how much I want the part, I need to seem as calm and un-desperate as I can today.
You want them to come to you, is the advice Nat always gives me.
Go in there with respect, but as if you’ve already got the part – as if they’re lucky to have you in the room with them too.
Alessandro looks over to me and his face brightens.
It’s similar to the effect that Alison has, like I’m suddenly in the middle of raging sunlight.
Oh, my God, I think suddenly. I can’t believe I’m actually here.
I move my hand behind my back and smile – and this time, it comes naturally.
‘Lara,’ he says, his Italian accent bringing a musicality to my name.
‘è un piacere conoscerti.’ He grasps my hand and shakes it firmly.
‘You will forgive my English, per favore. But, my dear…’ He steps back, still holding my hand, as if to appraise me further, his face softening as he does. ‘Sei una visione – you are a vision.’
Something lights up in my chest as he says it. And I’m suddenly, immensely grateful to be here. Because even if this goes no further – even if I don’t get the part – meeting Alessandro will have been one of my top-ten life experiences.
‘Now, are you ready?’ he says. I look up at him, but my gaze flicks to Avi.
No, I think reflexively, even as the rest of my body screams Yes. I manage a nod.
‘So then,’ Alessandro says, with a flourish. ‘We will begin.’
I walk towards my mark, my steps uneven.
It’s a little odd to be on such a beautiful set in my comparably modern clothes – I feel like I should, at the very least, be wearing a corset.
But costume-fitted screen tests are unheard of, because there’s no feasible way they’d have a guaranteed store of costumes that would fit a given actor.
I can hear Avi behind me and I do my best to breathe, not focusing too much on his presence.
When we reach our marks, I turn my eyes to Alessandro – he’s busy talking to someone else.
And then I look over at Avi. His gaze is trained directly on me.
‘Okay,’ Alessandro says, finishing his conversation. ‘We will start with the scenes that we did not do in the first test. Page seventy-five to start.’
There’s a script to the side in case I need it – but I don’t. I know this like the back of my hand by now. Avi nods too. And Alessandro steps back.
‘Lara, if you please. Could you move a little closer to him?’
Oh, God, I think. But I nod.
‘Of course,’ I say, taking a smooth step forwards. No carpet catching my foot this time. I have a sudden feeling as if I’m coming out of my body, watching myself from a distance. The lights overhead suddenly feel a little brighter than they did before.
But before I can say anything else, before I can truly realise what’s happening, Alessandro calls, ‘Action!’, his voice ringing out across the set.
I find the zone, feeling my edges melt away. Locating Amelia’s strength and presence even more immediately than I did in the last audition. I fall into it, letting it take over.
‘You’re impossible.’ Avi begins and I roll my eyes reflexively, channelling some of my anger towards him from the other day.
‘Really?’ My tone is laced with derision. We’re arguing about the case. Avi’s character is defensive – one of the prime suspects is a friend of his, a member of the gentlemen’s club Jackson frequents who appears to be hiding a ring of ritual killings.
‘I thought you were better than this, Jackson,’ I say. ‘Honestly, I thought you were a man of integrity.’
And something else lights up inside me now: hurt, alongside the anger I’m channelling.
Hurt that surprises me, in the moment. Because I thought that after our conversation in the green room earlier, I’d be able to put all this aside, at least for the time being.
But it’s still there. I ignore it, doing my best to stay present.
Amelia is angry in this moment, but she isn’t hurt – not yet. The hurt coming up now is mine alone.
‘I am,’ Avi replies. There’s a flash of him beneath his character too.
‘Someone with integrity wouldn’t behave the way you’re behaving right now,’ I say. ‘You’re supposed to trust me. To value my opinion. I thought we were partners.’
‘I thought so too,’ he says. ‘But you know, Amelia – trust goes both ways.’
‘Only when it’s earned.’ I deliver the line firmly, but can’t stop my voice from shaking a little. Shit, I think. I let some of my own emotion seep through and I’m not sure how well it came across. Amelia is supposed to be strong in this moment. Not sad, not hurt. Come on, Lara. Get it together.
‘Cut!’ Alessandro shouts, his expression hard to decipher. Avi slips out of character, his expression softening from heated into something cooler, more neutral. I breathe slowly, coming back to reality. Determination rippling through me to get it right next time.
We run through the scene a few more times, each take feeling a little more natural than the last. After the slight stumble in the first take, I manage to get a hold on the hurt that keeps surging up unexpectedly, harnessing it for the chemistry of the scene.
Channeling it into Amelia’s indignance, her fire.
Trying not to look too closely at Avi between takes in case it throws me off again.