Chapter 13
The next few days, the feeling that there’s something horribly wrong continues growing and growing.
I feel like I’m on eggshells around Avi, even more so than I did when we first arrived at the studio.
And the more I try to stave it off, the worse it gets.
We’re approaching the last week of filming now and I have another kissing scene this morning.
One I’m dreading, because I keep having completely inappropriate thoughts about my scene partner.
I’ve been hardly sleeping, showing up most days so sleep-deprived that Sarah has to put more concealer under my eyes than before.
Pouring coffee over myself at craft services – thankfully when I wasn’t in costume – but so visibly that the runners are now hovering around me intensely, scared I’m going to throw water down my skirt and ruin continuity.
‘Everything okay, love?’ Sarah asks one morning. ‘You seem a little off, these last few days.’
No, I want to say. But I can’t in a million years articulate why.
Because I feel ashamed of it. Like the past is encroaching on me every second.
Things I thought and hoped I’d be able to put behind me, or at least compartmentalise for the purposes of this film.
And I thought I had. Things were going so well.
Then we went to the Olivier Awards. And I nearly kissed him. And now I’m somehow a complete mess.
‘I’m fine,’ I say instead. ‘Just… a little tired. Long hours on-set.’
‘It’s a hard job, love,’ she says. ‘You have to look after yourself.’
‘Thanks,’ I say.
I just don’t know how. Especially with everything else that’s crowding in at the moment.
It’s all I can do to just show up and try to do a good job.
She smiles at me kindly, and I find myself feeling suddenly and strangely close to tears.
Probably because I’ve only slept for a couple of hours and Sarah is being so kind.
‘All done,’ she says, stepping back.
‘Thank you, Sarah,’ I say. And I mean it, for more than this.
‘It’s nothing, love,’ she says. ‘Just doing my job.’ And then she steps back and David arrives to take me over to Hair.
Once I’m finished with prep and fully in costume, I am taken in a car to the location for the day: the College of Arms in Central London, near St. Paul’s Cathedral. It’s a beautiful Victorian building, with sash windows and gilded iron gates.
But I’m distracted by thoughts of Alison; her birthday party is in a few days’ time and my parents are coming to set the following day.
I had a missed call from her last night, so I need to call her back.
I also need to reply to Spencer and Hannah – they’ve been messaging me to check in after drinks the other night.
And I’ve been so overwhelmed with everything going on, and ashamed of my own stupid actions – which were those of an erratic person rather than the self-controlled, cool and calm Lara they described – that I’ve not really known how to answer.
Right now, I don’t really feel in control of anything at all. And it terrifies me.
Our scene today is breathless and exciting. The peak of the film: of Amelia and Jackson’s romance, and their pursuit of Roman’s character. And I’m freaking out. But I can’t afford to be. We’re so nearly there.
‘Hey,’ Avi says, approaching me. Looking impossibly attractive in a dark-green waistcoat under his usual jacket, slightly unbuttoned, which offsets his brown eyes. My pulse surges in his presence. Jesus fucking Christ, Lara, I think.
‘Hi,’ I breathe.
‘Hello, lovely people,’ Harold calls. He’s wearing a powder-blue suit this time. A shock of colour among the crowd.
‘Hi,’ I reply.
‘Ready to go through the scene?’
No, I think. But I nod. Avoiding Avi’s gaze. Suddenly and incredibly aware of my limbs – of the distance between us. Distance we’ll soon be closing.
Harold runs us through a few movements. Me putting my hand on Avi’s waist. Leaning in. It all feels suddenly awkward, like he’s my prom date. Like I’m a teenager again, no coordination whatsoever.
‘Okay,’ Harold says, clapping his hands together. Avi pulls away and I catch my breath. ‘Remember your safe word, same as before. Let me know if either of you want to pull out of the scene and we’ll take a break and regroup.’
But that’s not what I’m worried about. Unlike before, when all I wanted to do was run – this time, my worry is how little I’m feeling that. Oh, God, I think, doing my best to swallow those feelings. I’m actually excited about this.
‘Ready?’ Avi asks, and I nod again, a lump in my throat.
We make our way over to our marks, pausing to greet Alessandro, who is in a good mood today, the weather better than he was expecting it to be.
‘A beautiful day for a beautiful couple,’ Alessandro says, and I baulk. Because I know he means Jackson and Amelia. But something in my consciousness jumps at the word and I kick myself internally.
We stand in our places, waiting for our cue. As Alessandro is mobilising the other teams – ‘rolling, lights, sound’ – I look up, my eyes snapping onto Avi’s. There is an intensity in his gaze that sets me on fire.
‘Action,’ Alessandro calls and I step forwards.
‘You let him get away,’ I say, breathless, delivering my first line.
My blood seeming to heat as Avi walks towards me.
This is a scene where Roman has just narrowly escaped, because Jackson was so focused on Amelia’s safety.
And she’s furious with him for not putting the case over her.
But, really, she’s furious with herself too.
Because she could’ve stopped Roman and she didn’t – she was as worried about Jackson as he was about her.
‘It is my duty to protect you,’ he says. ‘Amelia, if something had happened to you…’ He cuts himself off. ‘Besides, I told you, I have formulated a plan. I need you to trust me.’
‘It’s not you I cannot trust,’ I reply, the line falling off my tongue easily. ‘It’s myself.’ And I register as I say it how present this particular line feels. So much so I almost slip out of the scene. But I hold on for dear life, keeping my eyes locked on his.
‘Why not?’ he asks.
‘Because…’ I start. ‘Because you awaken emotions in me, Jackson. Emotions that are compromising my ability to handle this case professionally.’
‘What kind of emotions?’ he says, his jaw set. I don’t reply.
‘Look,’ he says. ‘I’ll hunt him down until the end of my days, if that’s what it takes. But I need you to be honest with me in order to do that. Otherwise, I’m not sure what we’re doing here.’
I take a step closer.
‘I don’t know how to put it into words,’ I say, my heart hammering as I deliver the line and wait for his response.
‘Perhaps you don’t have to,’ he says, breathless. I put my hands on his waist, gripping the fabric of his jacket. Pulling him towards me.
He reaches up and pushes a strand of hair from my face. And leans in – time seeming to slow down as he does.
Then, before I know it, he’s kissing me – for the second time in a week.
And a million flames rush across my skin.
My body reacting before I realise what’s happening, pressing against his.
His abs against my corset, his hands in my hair.
The chemistry I felt the first time, multiplied by a thousand.
His form curving down to meet me, so we’re entwined.
His lips melting into mine. A fire burning up between us.
I’m slightly aware of some sounds around me. But I ignore them. Focused only on how much we’re nailing this.
How breathless it feels.
But then a hand lands on my arm. A sound, like someone is clearing their throat. I step backwards, like I’m coming up for air.
‘Bambini, what is this?’ Alessandro says, a light hint of amusement in his voice.
Oh, God. My stomach drops as I come back to the present, remembering the brief of the scene. That we were supposed to break away mid-kiss. That I was supposed to spot Roman running past over Avi’s shoulder. To chase him.
‘You missed your cue,’ he continues, frowning.
Which means…
I look at Avi and see him realising the same thing.
That we’ve not only fucked up this take.
But we’ve just made out, in front of everyone.
A deep blush moves across my cheeks. More embarrassment than I’ve ever felt in my life crashing through me. In my periphery, Avi looks similarly chastened.
‘Let’s go again, Alessandro,’ he mutters under his breath.
When I look up, one pair of eyes stands out through the crowd. Watching us.
Roman.
And as my eyes meet his, he smiles. A look of barely disguised, self-congratulatory glee passing across his face.
Oh, shit.
The next day, I arrive on-set still feeling absolutely mortified.
We had to redo the scene five times yesterday, each more excruciating than the last, until we got a take Alessandro was happy with.
Then I pretty much ran straight back to my trailer and hid out there until I was dismissed from set.
Thank goodness that was the only scene we were filming.
I’m shooting with Roman today. And I’m one hundred per cent sure he’s going to try to taunt me about it in some way.
At least this evening I’ll be able to distract myself – Alison’s birthday party is happening straight after filming, and, surprisingly, given the fact that I am basically a hermit, I find myself looking forward to a social occasion.
Beyond the fact that it’s her birthday and her joy will be so wonderful to see, it’ll be nice to be outside the increasingly claustrophobic environment of set.
My lobster costume is waiting in my trailer, so I can get changed into it straight after we wrap today – I just have to get through this morning first.