Chapter 13 #2
The scene we’re filming is a street scene, Roman chasing Amelia out of his flat after he catches her looking for evidence.
They’ve cordoned off a cobbled street in Central London with street lamps at intervals along it.
It’s a beautiful street. And unseasonably cold this morning.
Amelia is wearing her usual: a corseted silk dress with a small shawl.
No coat. A runner comes and drapes me with a blanket while Alessandro discusses camera angles with the first AD.
‘Thank you…’ I say, turning to offer them thanks. But they’ve been called away before I can address them.
Roman is standing in their place. ‘Hello, Amelia,’ he says.
Just his voice is enough to set me on edge this morning. After yesterday, I’m jumpier than usual – I’d have given anything for a schedule change today.
‘Hi,’ I say, keeping my voice level. Turning to face him, trying to erase any tension from my tone. Because Amelia isn’t bothered by him, so I can’t be or it’ll filter into the scene.
‘I’ve been watching you, Amelia,’ he says, under his breath. So low Alessandro can’t hear. Sending an involuntary shiver down my spine. He reaches out and traces the back of his hand down my arm, almost touching it but not quite. ‘I see how you look at him.’
‘Roman, please don’t touch me—’ Before I can say anything more – before I can land on a combination of words that might get him to back off – a hand lands firmly on my other arm. I jump, startled. It’s Alessandro.
‘So jittery today, Amelia mia,’ he says, looking concerned. ‘Is everything okay?’
Roman fixes his eyes on mine, a sinister expression passing over his face. But a second later, when Alessandro looks over to him, it’s gone.
‘I believe so,’ Roman says lightly, looking at me. ‘Don’t you agree?’
I exhale through my nose and narrowly avoid rolling my eyes. Because his words aren’t true – but I don’t have the energy or inclination to correct them right now. So instead, I nod. Wanting this interaction to be over as quickly as possible.
‘Shall we get to the filming, then, while it is still fresh?’ Alessandro asks.
‘Great,’ I reply, trying to muster some enthusiasm.
We move over to our marks, Roman a few feet behind me. I can hear his breathing.
‘You look scared, Amelia. What exactly are you so afraid of?’ Roman asks as we wait for Alessandro to take his place behind the monitors. I don’t answer.
A few seconds later, Alessandro calls ‘Action!’
We manage to get through the first take, Roman catching me leaving his character’s apartment with a bag full of evidence and chasing me for a few metres.
Me looking back over my shoulder, some of the fear and apprehension I’m channelling real.
Because this man really has me on edge today.
And Alessandro seems happy enough, but asks for another angle.
We set up, ready for the scene, and Roman leans in to start taunting me again.
‘Roman,’ I say, under my breath. ‘I’ve really had enough of this whole method-acting thing.’
‘Oh, Amelia,’ he says. ‘Don’t be a spoilsport. We’re just having some fun. Aren’t we?’ He tilts his head to one side like a snake and I glance over my shoulder to see Alessandro still talking to the first AD. Fuck. The sight of it sends a shiver of determination through me.
‘I’m not,’ I say firmly, snapping my gaze back to his. ‘I’m not having any fun at all, actually. So if you could back the fuck off that would be great.’ I’ve dealt with bullies before. Sometimes taking the high road doesn’t work. In fact, I’m not sure it ever did. And this time, I’ve had enough.
He steps back and for a second I wonder if I’ve got through. But then he smiles again and my heart drops.
‘Ooh,’ he says. ‘A little fire. I like it. I can see why he likes you so much.’
What the fuck? I falter, a little concern coming up and replacing the anger. Because I can feel what’s coming.
‘What did you just say?’
He puts his hand over his mouth. ‘Whoops,’ he says. ‘Have I got it the wrong way around? Perhaps it’s you that has a little crush on him, hmm?’
‘Roman, stop,’ I say.
‘I have got it the wrong way around,’ he says, his voice full of elation.
‘What happened, Amelia?’ he asks, enunciating his words.
As if he knows he’s not really talking about Amelia any more.
As if this is just him coming out – the chaos agent that Avi spoke about, way at the beginning of filming.
Enjoying my discomfort. I glance over to Alessandro again, but he’s still deep in conversation. ‘Did he break your little heart?’
‘Roman,’ I say, my voice full of warning. Because I can feel anger flickering through me now, about to rage into a flame. And if he pushes me a step further, I won’t be responsible for what happens next.
‘He did,’ he says, looking positively delighted now.
Roman takes a step forwards. I glance over my shoulder – everyone behind the cameras is still focused on the monitor. He reaches out to touch my face again and everything in me recoils at his touch.
And this time, something in me snaps.
Before he – or I – can realise what I’m doing, I grab his arm in the same adapted karate move I used in the stunt training with Avi and twist it behind his back, pulling him into a hold.
One I know is painless – I might be fucking furious with him right now but I don’t want to hurt him – but it has the desired effect nonetheless. He exhales in shock.
I tighten my hold, lean forwards and whisper in his ear.
‘Touch me again,’ I say, ‘and I’ll leak the stories Sienna told me about the summers you spent together as kids.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he says as I let him free of the hold, hearing a commotion from behind the cameras. Some runners come rushing over, with Alessandro in tow. But just before they reach us, I see a glimpse of fear in Roman’s eyes.
‘Bambina,’ Alessandro says, his tone apoplectic. ‘Could you please tell me what the fuck is going on here?’
‘Sorry, Alessandro,’ I say mildly, stepping backwards. ‘Roman was just offering to take me through some of our stunt moves for tomorrow while we waited.’
Roman sets his jaw, looking furious. But I stare him down and he gives a small, curt nod.
‘Well,’ Alessandro says, looking at him angrily. ‘Now is not the time for such stupid antics. Let us not play silly buggers. We are on a schedule and we have a film to make. Or has everybody forgotten this except me?’
He looks from me to Roman.
This time, I nail the scene. I am alive with Amelia’s strength – her confidence in herself, even in the face of her fear. And a joy surges up inside me, remembering the expression on Roman’s face when he stepped back from my hold.
I stood up for myself. And it felt good.
When I get back to my trailer – breathless and full of adrenaline after what just happened – I find Avi waiting for me. Standing outside, still in costume. Something about his posture gives me pause as I approach.
‘Hi,’ I say, my breath catching a little in my throat.
He looks up and an expression of pure and unadulterated relief passes across his face.
‘Thank God you’re okay,’ he says. ‘I heard some runners on the radio, talking about… you and Roman…’ He can hardly get his words out he’s so worried. Something shifts in me at the sight, but I push it away.
‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘Roman was just…’ I pause. ‘Being Roman. You don’t need to worry about me.’
But I must seem a little rattled, because he follows me into my trailer.
‘I do, though,’ he says quietly, closing the door behind him. ‘It’s my fault he’s targeting you so much. I shouldn’t have blown up at him on that first day. Shouldn’t have—’
‘Stop, Avi,’ I say, trying to keep my cool. ‘It wasn’t your fault. He was just taunting me.’
‘Taunting you about what?’ he asks. Always with the questions.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I say.
‘Lara,’ he says. ‘If he’s harassing you—’
And this time, I can’t keep it in. It explodes out of me before I can stop it. ‘You, Avi,’ I say. ‘He was taunting me about you.’
He looks down, confusion passing across his features. ‘What about me?’ he says slowly. Quietly.
I shake my head, not wanting to admit it.
‘Lara,’ he says. ‘Tell me what he said or I swear to God I’ll go to his trailer right now—’
And in this moment, any last sliver of control I had slips away.
‘He was implying that…’ I pause, my voice catching. ‘That I had feelings for you.’
His deep-brown eyes snap up to mine, betraying surprise mingled with something else. The same gaze from the park, after the Olivier Awards. That I’ve been pretending I don’t see too, when he looks at me after we kiss on-set. Because it’s all wrong. And it’s all too complicated.
‘Do you?’ he asks.
‘I don’t think that matters—’ I say, trying to throw him off. Because I’m beginning to lose control of this conversation and I don’t know what’ll happen if I do.
‘I think it does,’ he says, taking a step towards me. ‘In fact, I think it’s the only thing that matters, right now. Lara…’
And, for a second, my breath catches. The words he’s saying to me right now so reminiscent of Jackson and Amelia’s dialogue the other day, I can hardly process them. And in the next, the dam breaks – everything flowing towards me.
A year of friendship. Jokes across the bar. Covering my shifts when I needed to attend auditions. Checking in on me when I didn’t get the parts I wanted. Running lines with me late in the bar after shifts.
Him crossing the room to me at the Christmas party.
Arriving like the star he was – at the time, his film about to be released.
Everyone vying for his attention, wanting to talk to him.
But he only had eyes for me. His low, deep voice, saying, ‘I’ve missed you’.
The night spiralling into the kiss that ruined everything.
His abrupt departure.
The texts the next day, telling me it was a mistake.
But then more comes rushing through. Him swinging a rat around Roman’s trailer. Saving me from the light fitting falling. Looking at me the other night in the park, more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him. Telling him that this film is the happiest he’s been in a long time.
And a part of me still wants to ask him why – why he dropped off the face of the earth. Why he didn’t want me to be in his life any more. Because I was angry, that he kissed me then decided it was a mistake. But that didn’t mean I didn’t want him to be my friend.
But as he’s looking at me now, the past hurt starts to fade. And he’s standing in front of me, his gaze pulling everything into a point like it used to, making me feel like I’m the only person in the whole world.
‘I do,’ I say, a tear slipping out. He closes his eyes, absorbing my words. His fist clenching almost imperceptibly at his side. Like he’s trying to hold himself back. ‘But I know it’s my problem. And it doesn’t matter, anyway, because you have a girlfriend. I just need to get over it…’
He closes the space between us.
‘Lara,’ he says. Tracing a hand slowly down the side of my face. Like he did yesterday in front of the cameras. Only this time, it’s real. Just us. My heart thuds. ‘Sienna is not my girlfriend.’
And then he kisses me.