32. Ben
32
Ben
I n the limo on the way back to the hotel from our premiere, I morosely watch the Japanese cityscape out the window. After Willa’s proclamation tonight, I’m sure the positive press will explode, and we’ll be even more in demand. And I don’t have the mental energy to deal with any of it.
We were so close to the finish line. I can’t believe she said that. Why the fuck did she say it?
Did the studio tell her to? Was it all a publicity stunt? If so, why wasn’t I told about it?
Maybe because they knew I wouldn’t go along with it.
God, how can I explain to Carlisle what I don’t understand myself?
Truthfully, the reason why Willa said that we were in love doesn’t even matter because the damage is done. Now we need to launch into crisis containment mode to minimize the effects.
First, I need to talk to Becky to plot out my next steps to stay ahead of the controversy that is brewing from Willa’s comments. I haven’t been able to speak to Willa yet. I could barely look at her, much less have a serious conversation with her at the premiere with hundreds of people around us. Like a smoking volcano, I’m about to erupt. When I confront Willa, it needs to be done privately .
Thad taps me on the shoulder. Lost in thought, I’d forgotten about everyone else in the limo with me. “Ben, you in for tonight? My agent got our names on the list at this ultra-exclusive club for high rollers and celebs.” He rubs his hands together in anticipation. “Should be a fun night!”
Without any hesitation, I decline. “Not tonight.”
“You’re missing out, old man. We need to let off some steam. Call me if you change your mind.”
Before dropping me at the hotel, the limo pulls up outside of a brightly lit club in Tokyo’s popular Shibuya nightlife district. Chicly dressed people loiter along the street smoking cigarettes. The building itself is nondescript with just a small sign and two burly bodyguards standing by the front door. As a VIP club, it’s a place where the rich and famous can socialize and party hard with impunity.
As I expected, Evan and Thad exit the limo, but then Thad turns, offering his hand to Willa.
I grab her arm before she exits the car. “Wait. You’re going?”
Gently tugging her arm from my grasp, “Yep,” she replies, popping the P.
“You said you were going to stay in earlier.”
“That was before,” she remarks icily.
“So, we’re not even going to talk about the shitstorm you’ve created?” I bark, letting my anger get the best of me. “What the fuck was that all about tonight? We’re in love?”
“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, Ben, but I want none of it,” she snaps, her voice laced with venom. “Now I’m going to go let loose and have fun with someone who actually wants to be with me.”
“What games, Willa? What are you talking about?” I grumble, mystified by her angry retort, but I drop her arm. Now isn’t the time for us to talk, not when we’re both irate and she’s hellbent on partying. “Just… be careful with Thad.”
“Believe me, I know the score with Thad. A smile for all and a commitment for none.” She chuckles mirthlessly. “But at least he doesn’t send mixed messages and mess with my head like you do.” Then she storms into the club without a backwards glance.
I feel even more perplexed by Willa’s behavior now. I don’t know why she’s mad at me nor do I understand how I’ve been playing games and sending mixed messages. I’ve been nothing but upfront with Willa. Did she mistake my friendly overtures as wanting something more?
But she knows I’m dating Carlisle. None of this makes any sense.
Now that I'm alone in the back of the limousine, I push Willa from my mind. I call Becky to outline what Willa told the press tonight, but it proves pointless. James had already reported the news to Becky and Jada, which isn’t surprising.
Unfortunately for me, our management team, along with Studio 67, is thrilled that Willa and I are now reportedly in love. They don’t want me to claim otherwise, try to backpedal, or downplay it.
“Ben, you need to embrace it and ride out this wave of publicity for as long as possible, especially given the recent spate of speculation that your romance with Willa isn’t real.”
I don’t mince words. “Fuck that, Becky. I’ll refuse all joint media appearances with Willa going forward. If I’m backed into a corner, I’m picking Carlisle over my career.” I’m not willing to sacrifice my real relationship for my fake one. Not again, not anymore. “This fiasco has gotten out of hand, and it needs to end. Now.”
“Calm down, Ben.”
“Becky, I don’t need you to tell me to calm down. I need you to fix this!” I yell, my frustration getting the best of me .
“I’ll handle it, Ben. But right now, you need to stay quiet. Don’t say or do anything reckless because you’re still bound by the publicity and confidentiality contracts you signed. Jada and I will get a game plan together,” Becky’s calm voice pacifies me slightly, but I hate how precarious everything feels.
After hanging up with Becky, I FaceTime Carlisle, wishing I had good news to tell her.
She answers on the first ring. “Ben!” She sounds so excited to hear from me. “Where are you? It’s so dark that I can barely see you.”
“I’m in the limo heading back to the hotel. We finished with the premiere, and I’m dead on my feet.”
“I wish I was there with you to tuck you into bed,” she pouts playfully, sticking out her bottom lip.
“Carlisle, you have no idea how much I wish I was home with you right now.” Leaning back against the leather seat, I unbutton the top couple of buttons of my dress shirt and stretch my legs out in front of me.
“So, how was the premiere tonight?”
It’s now or never. I’m dreading this. “Not good, babe.”
“Oh no, what now?” Her smile falters.
Probably better not to drag it out. Pinching my eyes shut, I explain, “In an interview tonight, Willa insinuated that we were in love.”
Even with oceans separating us, I hear Carlisle’s shocked inhalation. “What? Why? Why would she do that? You’re supposed to break up in a couple weeks!”
“I don’t know why she said it,” I sigh, a heavy weariness settling over me. “I haven’t gotten her alone to discuss it, but I wanted you to hear it from me and not a tabloid. I didn’t know what to say in the moment because I was in shock. I just froze,” I admit shamefully .
“Well, I’m not surprised,” Carlisle huffs. “I don’t want to say I told you so, but…”
When Carlisle first told me that she felt like Willa had feelings for me, I discounted it. Then when I started to have my own suspicions, Becky put my fears to rest. But now looking back on the past weeks with more clarity, I believe Carlisle’s intuition was accurate.
“You’re probably right. But even if Willa does have feelings for me, what good does it do her to tell the press that she loves me? I don’t get her motivation. She knows that I’m dating you.”
“Maybe to drive a wedge between us. Who knows? My question is what are you going to do about it, Ben?”
“There’s not anything I can do, babe. My hands are tied. I talked to Becky already, and the studio wants us to proceed as planned. They’re thrilled because Willa’s stunt will garner even more hype.”
A hurt look flashes across Carlisle’s face as she processes my words. “So, you’re not going to correct or refute what Willa said?”
Shaking my head slowly, I reply, “I can’t. Also, if I want to land the lead in Losing Love , I can’t stir up shit because the backlash would look bad for the studio. That wouldn’t look good for me professionally.”
The longer I talk to Carlisle, the more my anger towards Willa rises. Her impulsive comments have totally screwed me, and it’s devastated Carlisle during a time when she’s already vulnerable.
Carlisle looks down and slowly closes her eyes as she fights tears. When she looks back up, her eyes are filled with anguish. “You wanted me to be more honest with you, so here it is… I hate this! It’s not your fault Willa went off script, but I don’t know how much more of this I can handle emotionally without breaking. I’ve done what you suggested and tried to avoid the press surrounding y’all, but it doesn’t matter. As much as I try to avoid everything, I can’t because the stories about you two are everywhere," her voice cracks under the strain of her emotions. "And it breaks me just a little more each time I see something new.”
Her pain cuts me like a knife, and I wish that I could take it away. “You only need to keep it together another two or three days, baby, and then I’ll have you back in my arms. I can tell this is hurting you, and I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know you’d never do anything to hurt me deliberately, but still… deliberate or not, I keep getting hurt.” Her tears escape, leaving tracks down her cheeks. “It sucks,” she whispers. “Maybe I’m not strong enough to continue with this, Ben.”
“No, don’t say that. You are. You are so strong, Carlisle.” When she doesn’t say anything, I groan sadly. “God, if I could turn back time, I never would have agreed to this.”
“Can’t you just get out of it somehow? Break up sooner than expected?” Carlisle pleads.
“I can’t, babe.” I sigh, slumping in defeat. “I’m contractually obligated to continue the ruse. If I back out now, I could be sued for breach of contract and that would jeopardize my future projects because I’d be that much harder to insure.” I pause. “I’m so fucking sorry, sorrier than you’ll ever know.”
Disappointment flashes across her face. “Okay.” Carlisle blows out a long breath and wipes away her tears with the back of her hand. She looks so defeated. Gnawing her lower lip, she says, so quietly that I almost can’t hear her, “I think I need some time and space to process everything.”
“Babe, no. We’re so close to being back together, please don’t do this now,” I beg her, a sharp pang hitting my chest before unadulterated panic spreads through my body.
“Ben, give me a day or two to decompress.” Her gaze falls to the floor as she refuses to meet my eyes .
“Carlisle, please. Please don’t do this. I… I love you.” I pull my fingers roughly through my hair, my composure crumbling under my swirling emotions. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you, but you have to know. I love you. I am in love with you.”
“Ben, I…” She sniffles and wipes her nose. Her chin wobbles and it breaks my heart that I can’t touch her. That my words aren't enough to console her. “I need space. It’s not goodbye. I just need to hit the pause button, okay?”
“It’s not what I want to hear, obviously, but I’ll give you the space you need. I’ll be home in two-and-a-half days, and I promise I’ll make it up to you then. Please call if you change your mind. I don’t care if I’m in the middle of an interview, I’ll answer your call.”
What else can I say? I tell her that I’m in love with her and she asks to pause our relationship.
A nauseating sense of unease settles over me, gripping me and refusing to subside, as I try to fall asleep that night. There was a finality in Carlisle’s goodbye that haunts me when I close my eyes. Despite my fatigue, I keep replaying all the strange events of tonight.
At some point, after much tossing and turning, I finally manage to slip into a restless sleep, only to be jarred awake by the alarm on my cell phone. Muttering obscenities, I roll over in bed, clamping a pillow over my head to drown out the noise. There is no way that it can already be time to get up. Scowling, I sit up and notice that the clock on my bedside table reads 3:47 .
No wonder I’m still tired. I’ve only been asleep for an hour or two. More coherent now, I realize that the noise that woke me has ceased. I grab my phone and see that I have three missed calls from Willa. It must have been my phone ringing that woke me, not my alarm. I’m tempted to ignore her calls, but she’s never called me in the middle of the night before, much less called me three times back-to-back in the middle of the night.
Pressing the call button, I lie back down in bed, mentally preparing myself for more bullshit. She's probably drunk and wants to yell at me.
“Benji,” Willa slurs as soon as she answers the phone. “I’m… I can’t find Thad or anyone.” She sounds drunk. Between her garbled words and the club’s loud bass reverberating through my phone’s speakers, it’s difficult to understand what she’s saying. I press my phone firmly to my ear to catch her next words. “They’re gone. They left me. Everyone leaves me.”
“Willa? Talk louder, I can’t understand you.” Sitting up in bed, I’m instantly alert. Did Thad fucking leave Willa at the club?
“I need you… I need help. No… nobody is here. I can’t find anyone!” Her voice, at first slow and sluggish, comes out faster, becoming frantic. “Help me, Benji.”
“Are you still at the same club?” Jumping out of bed, I drag on sweatpants as we speak. My earlier irritation, while still present, has been mostly replaced with worry. “I’ll be right there.”
“I knew you’d come for me, Benji.” Her voice is strained, and her speech is even more distorted. I can’t believe Thad and Evan left her alone in this condition. She’s obviously drunk off her ass. “I knew you loved me.”
Fuck, are we back to this love shit?
I’ll go get her and drag her ass back to the hotel, but tomorrow, she’s sitting down with me and we’re going to have a long talk .
“How much have you had to drink tonight, Willa?” I need to know what I’m walking into. Is she just drunk… or is she on something? My earlier fears of Willa taking drugs resurface.
“Only a few shots, but…” She trails off.
For fuck’s sake, she has taken something.
“What else, Willa?"
“I don’t know!” She yells, breathing heavily. After a moment, she continues, “Thad gave me… some pills. Ecstasy, I think, but it could… have been something else. I just wanted to numb out and not feel anything. I’m…so tired of everything. Of all the mixed signals. Of never feeling good enough for you or anyone else. I’m just so… fucking tired of being lonely and sad.”
“Okay. It’s okay. I’m on my way. We’ll deal with this together. I’ll call you when I get there,” I say to placate her. “But don’t drink any more alcohol or take any more pills, Willa. I mean it.”
Grabbing my wallet, I let the hotel room door slam shut behind me as I hustle down the thickly carpeted hallway towards the elevators.
It takes a few minutes to rouse a hotel chauffeur to drive me back to the nightclub, but we’re on our way there now. In the meantime, I call Evan to see if he’s still at the club, but he doesn’t answer his phone. Then I call Thad, and he answers on the third ring.
“Yo, man! You want to meet up with us?” He shouts at me over the loud music. I breathe a sigh of relief. He’s still at the club. They must have gotten separated, and Willa was too drunk to find them. Hopefully, Thad can locate Willa and keep her safe until I arrive.
“Willa called me because she can’t find you. She doesn’t sound good. I’m on my way to pick her up, but can you stay with her until I get there?”
“Sorry, no can do. We moved clubs like an hour ago. She was making out with two dudes and didn’t want to come with us.” He laughs like it’s no big deal that he gave Willa drugs and then abandoned her at a club in a foreign country.
“You left her there alone? You asshole!” I seethe.
“Calm the fuck down, Ben. I’m not her dad or her babysitter. She’s a fucking adult, and she didn’t want to come with us.” He snickers again and I grit my teeth so hard that my jaw might break. “Besides, it looked like she was having plenty of fun. It’s not like she wasn’t doing anything she didn’t want to do.”
I hang up on him.