Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Ethan
I run my fingers through Jacob’s soft hair, listening to his quiet breaths as he sleeps, his head resting on my chest. After his heartbreaking confession, we laid down on the couch, where I just held him while he quietly sobbed into my neck.
And I’ve never felt so helpless.
My heart shattered at the whole heap of emotions swirling in those beautiful eyes. The pain, the heartache Jacob harbors are so visceral, it feels like a heavy weight on my chest.
He’s been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders for nearly two decades. Putting everyone else first and not allowing himself time to grieve properly.
Just burying his head in the sandbox of denial and hiding his pain behind a sunny exterior, hoping the dark cloud won’t show until he’s alone, so he can drown in private.
I can’t begin to imagine how he felt when he was burdened with debt, too. That alone would be enough to break some people, let alone with a mountain of grief on top.
I want to be a safe haven for him. A landing pad for when the grief becomes too strong to hide.
I want to be his life raft. I want to be the one to show him he doesn’t have to wade through the treacherous storm on his own.
I’ll hold him until he finds a man worthy of his all-encompassing love…
and then I’ll silently hate the fact that it’s not me.
He deserves so much more than what I can give him, and I’m not selfish enough to ask him to wait for me.
You were hard to love.
Even after what Jacob said, Ian’s words keep coming back to haunt me. They shouldn’t phase me, not now that I finally have closure, but it still cuts deep, bringing back the fear I’ve hidden since I was a kid—that I’m unlovable, and that’s why my dad left.
My phone begins to ping in quick succession where it’s resting on the arm of the couch. I grimace, putting it on silent, and look down at Jacob. Thankfully, he doesn’t stir. All the emotions pouring out must’ve really drained him.
The screen begins to fill with text bubbles from the group chat I’m in with some of the guys, and my stomach twists with guilt.
These guys have tried so hard over the years to be a more prominent part of my life.
They’ve shown me nothing but love and support, and the way I’ve repaid them is by keeping them at arm’s length.
Fuck. How they haven’t given up on me yet is a mystery .
Opening the group chat, I roll my lips to suppress my laughter.
Elliot: Who do you think would win in a fight? Han Solo or Indiana Jones?
Blaine: What kind of question is this?
Elliot: A valid one. *eye roll emoji*
Peyton: How can they fight when they are played by the same person?
Elliot: I’m asking hypothetically. I don’t mean REALLY fight because it just wouldn’t happen. Duh, Jonathan!
Zach: Han Solo would win, hands down.
Elliot: But why, Zachary?
Zach: How could he not? He’s the best.
Peyton: But Indiana Jones has the strength. Han would try to charm his way out of the fight after a while. He’d probably shoot first, because that’s what he does, but Indy would find some cover and wait until Han got all cocky thinking he’d won, then Indy would pull out the whip or throw a punch.
Zach: Nope. Not having it.
Zach: Han is a scoundrel, man. He would win the fight easily.
Peyton: I don’t know, dude. I think he’d give up. Plus, I’m pretty sure Indy has been in more fights than Han.
Mitch: I have no idea who you’re talking about.
Blaine: … WTF?
Zach: You don’t know who Han Solo and Indiana Jones are?
Mitch: No? Should I?
Peyton: Holy shit. Kick the rookie off the team. Now!
Zach: How can you not know who they are?
Mitch: Because I’m not old?
Peyton: GASP! What the actual fuck dude? Have you been living under a rock?
Blaine: Want me to put shaving cream in the rookie’s gloves and skates? Pickles in his pants?
Elliot: Yeah! *high fives twinny*
Zach: How can you not know the coolest dude in the galaxy?
Mitch: Like Rocket Raccoon?
Zach: This conversation physically hurts me.
Elliot: Mitchell Henry, go away because you’re distracting everyone from my joke.
Peyton: I thought it was a genuine question?
Blaine: I don’t think El even knows what it is.
Elliot: The answer is…They could just fight…Solo.
Elliot: :D
Elliot: That was good, no?
Blaine: That was fucking terrible, twinny.
Peyton: *facepalm emoji*
Zach: … Sometimes I question why I’m friends with you.
Mitch: I’m still confused.
I snort a laugh, then wince as Jacob shifts.
Shit.
I don’t move an inch as he stirs before nuzzling his face back into my chest and going back to sleep, his hand curling around my ribs.
These guys, man. I don’t know where I’d be without them. I know I need to be better, and after listening to Jacob, I need to apply the same logic to my life.
Because what if something happened to one of the guys and they didn’t know how much I care for them? How much I genuinely love them? It would wreck me. I know it’s going to take some time to rewire my brain away from self-preservation mode, but I need to.
Jacob’s right.
You can’t take things for granted. What if tomorrow never comes?
I chew on my bottom lip; it’s time to start knocking down the proverbial barriers.
Ethan: I miss you guys.
Ethan: PS: Indiana Jones would win.
Elliot: Who is this Ethan imposter?
Blaine: Whoa! Hold my beer! (I’m drinking coffee but same thing) did I read that right?
Zach: … Am I dreaming?
Peyton: Is this another one of Elliot’s lame jokes?
Elliot: My jokes are not LAME. You’re lame. You big lanky lame-o.
Elliot: ETHAN! Have you been abducted by those British guards in the big furry hats?
Elliot: Send a Christmas tree emoji if you need help.
Elliot: It’ll take me approximately twelve hours to get to you by the time I’ve packed and navigated the airports, but I’ll be there!
Guilt washes through me like a wave. My chest tightens. Shit. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to them that I care, but I know this is all my fault. That’s what I led them to believe.
I’m going to change this. I have to.
Ethan: No, I don’t need help, and no, I haven’t been abducted by the King’s Guards, but thank you for the offer, El. I realized I don’t tell you guys enough how much you mean to me. I love you guys a lot. I hope you know that.
Peyton: Love you dude.
Blaine: Love you!
Zach: We love you too.
Mitch: ^^^ what they said.
Elliot: Aw grumpy pants, I’m getting a little misty eyed! I love you too. Here, have a photo of me as a superhero.
A second later, a photo comes through of Elliot in Jacob’s bakery. He’s twisted the apron around his neck like a cape. With one hand on his hip, the other punching the air, and his legs in a lunge, he looks like he’s about to take off and fight some outer space enemies.
I smother my laughter with my hand and reply.
Ethan: Thanks, that’s my new lock screen.
Elliot: You’re welcome.
Elliot: PS: please bring back gifts *heart emoji *
“What’s got you smiling like that?” Jacob’s sleepy voice startles me. I didn’t even feel him wake up.
I look down at him. His blue eyes are a little glassy from his tears and sleep. A soft smile on his face. I click on the photo and hand my phone over to Jacob.
He bursts into laughter, eyes sparkling with glee. “He’s such a great guy.”
I nod, grinning. “He is. He’s got a heart of gold. All the guys are protective of him because he’s just one of the good ones, you know? He would help anyone with anything, and I love that he doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks.”
Jacob hands me my phone back and gives me a sad smile. “You could learn something from him.”
“What do you mean?” I frown.
He places his hand on my chest and rests his chin on top, looking up at me.
“He is the epitome of living life to the fullest. He seems to just enjoy every day. He lets people in and wears his heart on his sleeve. I’m not saying the way you cope with things is wrong, but these guys?
” He points at my phone. “They love you, so much. You’re important to them, but you have this, like, barrier separating them from you.
Life is too short to keep people who genuinely love you on the outside, because before you know it, it’ll be too late, and you won’t get that time back. ”
“I was just thinking about that.” I stretch out and put my phone on the coffee table.
“I’ve been playing in the NHL for nearly twenty years now, and I haven’t let anyone get close to me.
Peyton and Kendrick are probably the closest, but even then, not that much.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said—that life is precious, so I told them I missed them, and they thought I was joking around. ”
He gives a sorrowful smile. “How did that make you feel?”
“It made me feel like shit,” I confess. The ache in my chest returns. “I couldn’t help but think, What if something happens to them and they don’t know I care? I would fucking hate that. I know I’ve gotta change. I don’t want to be this guarded asshole who’s afraid of showing his emotions.”
“I think they know you care. People have different love languages, and love languages aren’t just exclusive to romantic relationships—they filter into platonic relationships, too.
Some people will know you care because you do something for them or because you give them your undivided attention, but some need to hear the words.
They thrive on words of affirmation, so they need to hear you say it to believe it. ”
“That makes sense.” I lick my lips. “What is yours?”
“Mine?” He chuckles. “Physical touch. I’m a sucker for hand-holding, kissing, or a subtle caress.
I’m a cuddler, if you hadn’t guessed.” He squeezes my torso with one arm, then rests his chin on my chest, looking back up at me, a sweet smile on his lips.
“It’s okay to show them you care. It won't take away their love for you—if anything, it’ll only make it grow stronger. ”
“What’s it like? Playing hockey?” Jacob asks.
We’ve just finished eating dinner outside because it’s such a beautiful night. It’s still warm enough to sit in shorts and a t-shirt. The sky is soft pink with orange hues as the sun sets, casting Jacob in the most gorgeous glow .
“It’s incredible, but it can also be pretty tough at times.
You experience the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.
You’re being paid to play the sport you love, which is awesome, but with that comes a lot of stipulations.
It takes a lot of dedication and sacrifice.
I didn’t really have a normal childhood growing up.
My dad had me skating before I could actually walk, then I started learning how to play hockey at four, and I would skate most mornings before school and then again after school. ”
Jacob takes a sip of his wine, eyeing me over the glass. “Will you tell me about your dad?”
I take a few gulps of my beer and sigh. “We didn’t have the best relationship, but I couldn’t see that when I was younger.
It was very one-sided. I used to look up to him.
I thought he was the best person in the world, but now that I'm older—and wiser, I guess—I can see that he put a lot of pressure on me. His expectations were too high, especially for a kid still learning.”
Jacob frowns. “What did he do?”
“If I had a shit practice or lost a game, he would give me the silent treatment. Wouldn’t speak to me for days. He used to give me this look like he was ashamed of me. Like I was a disappointment.”
“I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you went through that.”
I shrug. “In a way, I’m glad he’s not in my life anymore.
He wasn’t always a nice guy to my mom, either, but I still think about the day he left.
I waited for over an hour for him to pick me up.
My coach came out and found me sitting on the curb with my bag, so he called my mom, but she couldn’t leave work, so he took me home.
He stayed with me until she arrived and made me this giant bowl of pasta.
” I hold my hands out to mimic the size of it.
“It was fucking huge, bigger than my dad ever let me have, but then I saw the pity in his eyes and clammed up. I couldn’t eat it because I hated that look in his eye. ”
Jacob doesn’t say anything. He just reaches for my hand and holds it. But I can’t help but notice that he's not giving me that look.
He doesn’t pity me.
He gets me.
To some of us, the ice is our safe haven, and it became that for me. It was the only time I could switch off my brain and feel like I was good at something. The second my skate touched that ice, the noise in my head stopped. It was silent. Peaceful.
Touching Jacob feels the same way. We’re stepping into dangerous territory doing what we’re doing. And that’s why I can’t let my feelings go any further.