Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Ethan
I watch Jacob through the window as he fills the new bird feeders with seed and sprinkles nuts on the wooden table we purchased from a local garden center. He then stands in the center of the lawn, waiting for the birds to appear and feast on the freshly laid food.
He’s been doing this almost every day—simply watching as the birds come and go or the squirrels as they run from tree to tree and stuff their little mouths with nuts.
In the city, I don’t get to appreciate this. I guess he doesn’t either. The tranquility of nature.
As much as I love my life in Chicago, I’m not ready to leave tomorrow.
I want to stay here, with Jacob, in this tiny world we’ve created, but I know it’s not possible.
He has a life back home. He’s itching to see Alex again and to get back to the bakery—he said as much—but I can’t help but think he’s itching to get away from me .
Covering up the late lunch I’ve prepared with a towel, I head into the backyard, making sure my movements are quiet and slow so I don’t startle the visiting wildlife.
When I reach Jacob, I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my chin on top of his head.
He jumps slightly in my arms but soon settles when he realizes it’s me.
“Give a guy a warning next time,” he says quietly, leaning back into my chest.
“Sorry,” I murmur, kissing his head. “What are you watching?”
“Some of these little birds that visit are so beautiful and colorful. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them before.” Jacob trails his fingers lazily up and down my forearm and over my hand wrapped around his middle, almost absently.
He seems a bit lost in thought, so I don’t say anything and allow him to go on.
“I was reading this article, and it mentioned that in British folklore, the robin represents loved ones who are no longer with us. There’s a phrase, ‘When a robin appears, loved ones are near,’ so people can take comfort in that whenever they see a robin, it’s a loved one visiting to let them know they’re at peace.
It kind of stuck with me because it’s heartwarming that you can try to find some form of solace in these little birds. ”
He’s silent for a beat. I watch the bird in question peck at the lawn in search of worms. It’s got a bright orange breast, a white belly, and a brown back.
“I’ve seen three of them every day since I’ve been here.
Two always seem to be together, and sometimes they come so close, like they want to see me but they’re too shy.
I saw videos where people were able to feed them by hand.
” He tilts his head up to face me, blue eyes swimming with unshed tears.
“I want to believe they’re my parents or my grandparents, but then I wonder why there’s no fourth robin. ”
I wrap my arms a little tighter as his body trembles with his next inhale. I know what he’s about to say before he even speaks, and I’d fucking fight his pain away if I could.
“What if one of them isn’t near? Or one of them isn’t at peace?” His voice shakes as he struggles to find his breath. “What if one of them hasn’t made it to wherever it is you go once you’re gone?”
I hate the pain in his voice. His body shudders as he tries to keep a rein on his emotions, and it breaks my fucking heart. I want to make it better somehow, but I have no idea how.
So I just hold him tighter through his broken sobs and press a kiss to the top of his head, letting him know I’m here. When he turns around and hides his face in my chest, I wrap my arms around him.
“They’re always with you, J. It doesn’t matter if it’s a robin or just in your memories and in your heart. They’ll always be with you,” I say quietly.
Since that afternoon in the living room, when he bared his wounded heart to me, I’ve seen it. The slight slip in his armor. I notice it from time to time, but he quickly recovers and puts on his positive face, but I see it.
I see everything about him.
Beneath his strength, there’s someone who feels too much and has nowhere to channel any of it.
Someone who fights every day to keep going, to find the beauty and the good things in life, even when his own has been less than stellar .
Clouds may threaten to dampen his shine, but he chases them away with his sun.
You could learn a thing or two from him.
I internally slap myself because my conscience is right.
I’ve been harboring so much resentment for my father leaving and for my failed relationship with Ian that I’ve kept myself locked under a dark cloud of my own.
I’ve blamed and punished myself, ultimately missing out on building a connection with someone because of how people have treated me in the past.
I’ve let them win.
But this trip has shown me that Jacob already has my heart. He’s chased away some of my clouds. All I need to do now is figure out how to bring down the barriers and let him in completely.
I have to.
“I’ve got you, baby,” I murmur into his hair.
I want to be mad at these damn birds for making him feel this way, but part of me knows how much Jacob loves this backyard and being here.
I’m about to pick him up and carry him inside when a flash of orange catches my eye. I see one of the little robins running across the grass toward us, then another one following shortly behind.
“J, look,” I whisper quietly into his ear, not wanting to startle the birds as they inch even closer.
He raises his head, and I hear the hitch in his breath when he spots them.
They aren’t close enough to touch, but they seem to be peering up at him.
Tilting their little heads in curiosity.
Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m seeing what I need—what Jacob needs—to see, but when a fresh wave of tears stream down his cheeks, I know this time they are not from pain.
“They’re always with you, Jacob,” I repeat.
His teeth dig into his bottom lip as he hiccups. I wipe away the tears from his cheeks with my thumb, then wrap my arms around him again, bringing him to my chest.
“Why don’t you talk to them?” I suggest. “If they’re supposed to be loved ones who have passed, talk to them as if they’re here. Lean into the folklore; it might bring you some comfort.”
His brows furrow, looking at me like I’m out of my mind. When he remains silent, I start to speak to the two birds.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Lowry,” I say, eliciting a small, wet laugh from him. “I hope you’re enjoying the bird seed, especially since it was the most expensive bag they had in the store.”
Jacob wraps his arms around my waist and squeezes. The tears on his cheek seep through the fabric of my t-shirt.
“I just wanted to let you know that you would be so fucking proud of Jacob. I’m sorry for my language. I’m not sure whether you’re the parents or the grandparents, but I suppose it’s not good to swear in front of either.” I grin at Jacob, who’s looking at me with so much adoration in his eyes.
Please be patient with me.
Please don’t give up on me.
“He makes the best damn cakes in Chicago and has the most beautiful laugh, but do you want to know what my favorite thing about him is?” I keep my eyes locked on his as I speak.
“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway because you can’t talk—being birds and all—but it’s his heart.
It’s so fucking pure. So good. He’s like sunshine.
He’s always so bright, so positive, so fucking warm that all I want to do is bask in his light every chance I get. ”
Another fat tear rolls down his cheek, and I quickly wipe it away with my thumb.
“You may not believe me, but you’re so brave, Jacob.
To have gone through so much heartbreak in your life and still be able to put that beautiful smile on your face…
” I cup his face with one hand, tracing the curve of his lips with my thumb, before I lean down and press a tender kiss to his lips. “It’s inspiring.”
Jacob holds on to me, his palm resting over my heart, before he nervously drags his top lip between his teeth. Looking over his shoulder at the two little birds pecking at the ground, he squeezes his eyes closed and takes a deep, shaky breath, then angles his body toward them.
“Hey, Mom, Dad. I just…I just wanted to let you know I really miss you. I think about you every day. Sometimes, it’s like I’m just waiting for you to walk through the door and tell me it was a misunderstanding and the police got it wrong. I…”
I press a kiss into his hair as more tears roll down his face.
I’m still here. I’ve got you.
“I wish I had hugged you more. I wish I had hugged you tighter that day you said goodbye for the last time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how much I loved you more often.
I wish I could go back and tell you that every single day, and Alex—I know he loves you so much.
Dad, he’s dating a hockey player—can you believe it?
” He lets out a choked laugh and leans back into me.
“He’s so happy and in love. They’ve got a dog; his name is Ernie.
Blaine named him after Grandpa. He’s so cute, but he’s got them both wrapped around his little paw.
I think they’ll get married, and I think both of you would have loved Blaine.
He looks at Alex the same way you looked at Mom, and their love reminds me a lot of yours. ”
I hug him a little tighter.
He’s silent for a moment, and his next words tear my heart in two.
“I hope to have that one day. Someone who loves me so much he never wants to be away from me. Someone who can be my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye, but most of all…I hope you’re proud of me.
I hope that wherever you are, you’re happy together and that you’ll keep watching over us.
Knowing you’re with me keeps me going when getting up and facing the world is too hard.
I hope I can keep your memory alive by living my life to the fullest and knowing you’re in my heart every step of the way. ”
You’re my favorite hello, I silently tell him .
A larger bird lands, startling the two robins, and the second they fly away, Jacob crumbles in my arms. Harsh sobs rack through him, and my own eyes fill with tears.
I want to be worthy of him.
I believe I can be worthy of him.
I just need to silence the voice of fear in my head and take the leap.
And I hope that Jacob will catch me when I land.