Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ethan
I gently caress Jacob’s fingers, curving around his knuckles, and draw a circle on the back of his hand before repeating the pattern. His soft, shallow breaths tickle the hair on my chest.
And possibly for the first time in my life, I’m completely and wholly content.
Lying here in bed with Jacob, with our legs tangled, and his body curled against mine. His head resting on my chest like I’m his own personal pillow.
I didn’t know it was possible to find such peace just by being in someone’s presence. Listening to the sound of his breathing, inhaling the sweet scent of his hair. The soft thud of his heartbeat against my rib cage.
I didn’t know it was possible for someone to feel like home. It’s a strange sensation .
For the last decade, I’ve put my career first. I’ve repeatedly told myself that I didn’t need someone in my life. That I was perfectly fine on my own without risking my stupid damaged heart by getting involved with someone, when in reality, it was just that I hadn’t met Jacob yet.
I suppose sometimes you need to spend time in the rain to really appreciate the sun when it comes out. He made me understand that my emotional scars don’t make me unlovable, just selective over who I allow behind my barrier.
Or, as Jacob likes to call it, my protective shield.
For the first time, I believe I can do it. I believe I can have a loving relationship because it’s Jacob.
He’s stable. Solid. He’s there, whether standing by my side or rooting for me while I tackle my mental demons on my own. He’s supportive in ways I’ve only ever experienced with my mom, and for once, I don’t feel afraid.
I’m out in the water, and he’s the lighthouse, guiding me to safety.
Maybe it was seeing the way he crumbled in the backyard, showing me that whatever strength keeps him upright despite the darkness in his life isn’t always there. But even with the tears streaming down his cheeks, he was still the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on.
When I first met him that gloomy January day, I couldn’t help but notice the sparkle in his eyes was diminished.
But now? Now he’s shining.
Really shining. Sparkling brightly like the Eiffel Tower on a clear night, and it makes my heart soar.
Pressing a kiss to his head, I blink away the wetness from my eyes. My heart feels so full with this man in my life. It makes everything else seem so...superficial .
I don’t need another Stanley Cup ring in my collection to know I’m worthy. I don’t need another championship title to my name to prove that my career has been commendable. I don’t need external validation from anyone.
No.
What I need is for this man to love me until my very last breath.
To love me despite my flaws. To love me because of them.
To stand by my side as I face a new chapter in my life.
To wake up every morning and see his gorgeous face next to me.
Only then, will I truly be a champion.
I just hope I can find the words to tell him that I’m falling in love with him.
Glancing over to the nightstand, the clock reads nine a.m. We only have a few hours until we need to leave for the airport, and I’m not ready. My mom is coming over soon to say her goodbyes, at least until she flies to Chicago for the holiday season.
Slowly slipping out from beneath Jacob, I move my pillow and gently lay his head on it. He curls his arm around the pillow before his soft snores continue. I stand there for a beat, just watching him sleep so peacefully. His blond hair sticking up in all directions, his lips parted.
He’s extraordinary.
Managing to pull myself away, I quickly shower, get dressed, and throw everything into my suitcase.
Luckily, I tend to pack light as I keep clothes here, so it doesn’t take me long to get everything packed.
Once I’m done, I head downstairs and make a start on breakfast just in time for Mom to walk through the door .
“Good morning, sweetie,” she greets me.
Placing the pancake batter next to the stove, I open my arms, wrapping them around her. “Hey, Mom.”
“I can’t believe you’re going back already.” She frowns before turning to get a cup out of the cupboard and making herself a coffee. “I wish you could stay longer.”
“Me too, but we’ve got to get back for Jacob. Maybe you could come out before the season starts? You know I’ll pay for your flights whenever you want to come.”
She gives me a warm smile. “Thank you, darling. I’ll see if I can work something out.” Taking a sip of her coffee, she eyes me over the rim of the cup. The steam does nothing to disguise her pointed stare. “Are you going to tell him how you feel?”
“What do you mean?” I grumble, pouring some of the pancake batter into the pan.
“Ethan, don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you,” she chuckles, rolling her eyes. “I meant, are you going to tell Jacob how you feel about him? I really like him. He’s a good one, and I can tell you really care for him.”
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “Yes, but I don’t know when. I figured maybe on the plane?”
She shakes her head. “No, you’ve got to do something romantic. Tell him when you land back at O’Hare; let him know that you want to see how things go now that you’re back.”
I chew on my bottom lip.
“Ethan, you need to be the one to do this. I know what you’re like.
You’re guarded like a vault, and Jacob doesn’t know what’s going on in your head.
Or maybe he does, but he still needs to hear it from you.
” She takes another sip of her coffee. “You’re going to have to fight every instinct that’s been ingrained in you for so long and use your words, sweetie.
He’s not Ian or your father. He’s a good man with a good heart.
You’re both very well suited for one another, but you need to be the one to take this step. You need to give yourself a chance.”
I run a hand down my face and sigh.
I know she’s right. I’ve allowed fear to consume me for more than a decade. I’ve allowed others to take away my chances for too long.
“Good morning, sweetie.” Mom greets when Jacob appears, looking rumpled from sleep.
He walks over to her and wraps his arms around her in a tight hug. “I thought I wouldn’t get the chance to say goodbye.”
“Never. I would’ve run down the street waving if I had missed you,” she says with a laugh. “Plus, I need to get that recipe from you! Don’t forget.”
Jacob’s laugh hits me square in the chest. “I’ll email it to you the second I get back to the bakery.”
My mom gives him another hug and looks over his shoulder, then mouths, “Tell him.”
As hard as it’s going to be, I know I need to be the one to bring up the topic of where we go from here when we get back to Chicago. Jacob might change his mind once the season starts, and he realizes how hectic my schedule is or how regimented my day-to-day life is.
But I know I’ll regret it if I don’t try.
Picking up the last suitcase from the conveyor belt, Jacob is practically bouncing on his toes.
“I’m so excited to see Alex again.” Jacob beams, there’s a bright smile on his face. “I feel like I haven’t seen him in forever.”
I force a smile.
It’s not because I’m not happy that he gets to see his brother again; I am, but I’m fucking nervous. Anxiety is eating away at me as we get closer to the doors, knowing that Alex is on the other side waiting to pick up Jacob, and I still haven’t spoken to him about how I feel.
Yep, I spent the nine-hour flight from London to Chicago trying to think of the right words to say. The right way to express how I feel about him. That this trip was the most incredible time of my life, and it was all because of him.
Feelings don’t come easily for me. I’m fine when it comes to my captain duties because it’s not about me per se. It’s about the team. A united front. The focus isn’t on me and my fucked-up emotions when we’re talking hockey. I can easily talk strategy or about ways to improve our gameplay.
To make it worse, it’s this place. This airport. Where I ended up with my heart in pieces last time. It’s causing my brain is going into overdrive.
I can’t focus. My stomach is in knots. My palms are sweating on the handle of my suitcase as I drag it along beside me.
It’s now or never. I need to do it now, or I’m going to miss my shot.
“Jacob— ”
“Ethan—” he says at the same time.
We both laugh.
I hold my hand out. “You go first.”
He stops on the other side of the arrival doors, moving us out of the way of the other passengers. Those gorgeous blue eyes gazing up at me with such warmth and admiration.
“I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. For helping me in a time of need, for inviting me on this trip of a lifetime. It’s been truly magical.” He leans up and presses a kiss to my cheek. “Thank you for being such an incredible friend. I can’t thank you enough.”
Friend?
My heart plummets. Did I completely misread the signs? I know I said at the beginning that I couldn’t offer him anything more than just the time we had in England, but I felt the change. That simmering chemistry between us turned into something more.
I couldn’t have imagined that. Surely not? It was too powerful, too visceral for it not to be real.
Suddenly, I can’t breathe. My chest feels painfully tight, like an invisible weight is pressing down against my lungs. I open my mouth to speak, desperate to find the words I’ve been wanting to say, but they get lost on my tongue.
My mom’s words come rushing back to me, use your words, sweetie.
“J—” I croak.
“I’ll cherish the time we spent together more than you’ll ever know.” He smiles, his voice dripping with sincerity.
I fucking need to say something, but my throat closes up. The sound of the noisy arrivals terminal becomes distant, and I’m just left with the frantic pounding of my heart.
“Jake!”
Jacob turns at the sound of Alex’s voice and takes off in a jog, dragging his suitcase behind him. There’s nothing I can do except stand and watch as they embrace, Jacob’s face lighting up with happiness and relief in his brother’s arms.
“Hey, Ethan. Thank you for taking care of him,” Alex greets me, wrapping his arm around Jacob’s shoulder and squeezes.
I grunt, jutting my chin in acknowledgement. Both brothers are staring at me as I just stand there. Jacob eyes me, his brows slightly furrowed in confusion, but then Alex says something that snaps him out of it, and he takes hold of his suitcase.
He looks back at me one more time as they wave goodbye and leave.
The anxiety rushing through my veins is replaced by a wave of numbness. The proverbial walls that Jacob helped knock down slam back up, surrounding me. The back of my eyes burn at the sight of Jacob leaving.
“Fuck!” I pull at my hair.
I’m such a fucking idiot. I’ve done exactly what he said and allowed the ghosts of my past to control me in the present.
I need to do something. I need to find a way to tell him that I don’t want what we had to be a cherished memory. I want what we had to be real.
I don’t want to be his friend.
I want to be the person he’s been waiting for. I want to be the one who’s worthy of him, who’ll love him the way he yearns to be loved.
I’m in love with him, and I’ve fucked it all up by not letting him in.