47
Valentina
After we order, a comfortable silence falls over the table, and my mind roams to Huxley.
We haven’t spent much time apart since our first kiss, and even though I love spending time with Birdie and Ava, I’m itching to be next to him. If how much he didn’t want to let me go on Friday was any indication, I’d say Huxley’s probably feeling the same thing I am right now.
Not that I mind.
“So, how are things with you and Huxley?” Ava asks, breaking the silence. “We saw the kissing that happened on Friday.”
I look between the two of them, expecting at least Birdie to be upset by the topic. But they both seem interested. Maybe I was reading the situation wrong this whole time.
I lean forward, resting my arms on the table. “Yeah, um.” I bite my lip to stop my smile from spreading too wide, but my heart overpowers the action. “Things are good. Really good, actually. I mean, it’s been so much more than I ever could have imagined.”
“And the kissing?” Birdie asks.
Ava nods. “Yeah, that seemed pretty intense.”
My smile gets impossibly wider. “You have no idea. He hasn’t let me go since our first kiss.”
Birdie frowns. “What do you mean?”
“It’s like,” I pause for a second, “every time we’re in the same room or even the same vicinity of each other, we’re both thinking about kissing each other.”
I never thought I would be the type of person who spends so much of my relationship kissing. But with Huxley, I feel like I can finally breathe when we’re that close. Like, I don’t have to worry about anything around me. He’s there, and I’m safe.
Ava looks at Birdie, worry spreading over her features. My smile falters for a second. She has no reason to be worried about us kissing. We’re dating. That’s what people do.
I look at Birdie, but she stares at the table. Until finally, she sighs.
“Valentina.” Her eyes connect with mine. “What the hell are you doing?”
My smile falls completely.
I look between my two best friends, but they both have the same expression.
“What?” I barely whisper.
Birdie leans forward, worry strengthening on her face as she says, “Did you forget this is a deal? That this is all supposed to end at Graduation?”
My heart stops.
Or maybe it’s just gone?
Who cares. My world is currently crumbling around me. Heart or no heart, my lungs are filled with water, and the ground beneath me is getting ready to swallow me whole.
“What if it doesn’t end at graduation, though?” Ava jumps in before I completely disintegrate. “I mean, the way he looks at you and touches you, there’s no way he’s pretending.”
Exactly. There’s no way he’s pretending.
No way.
Absolutely.
I mean, how we are when it’s just the two of us is proof of that.
It’s real. It has to be.
Right?
Birdie nods. “That’s fine. But if he is pretending, you do still understand that’s all it was supposed to be, right?”
No!
No, I don’t understand.
I don’t understand how I could forget what we agreed to. How I could forget that Huxley and I aren’t real and never will be.
But…we are real. Right?
I nod. “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.”
The waiter suddenly shows up with our food, but I’m not hungry anymore. I push my fork around my plate for appearances, but my mind is elsewhere.
Huxley and I are real. We are. We have to be.
My phone goes off beside me, sending flutters into my chest. Huxley and I agreed not to text this weekend except for morning and night greetings. The fact that he’s texting me now…
My eyes barely scan over the notification before they land on the date.
November 6th.
Three days ago should have been our two-month anniversary.
Tears blur my vision as I finally read the message.
Huxley: I miss you so much, Love.
Do you?
I wipe away a rogue tear and drop my fork on my plate. I can feel Birdie and Ava watching me, but I don’t have it in me to look at them. If I look at them, I’ll probably burst into tears.
I’m so fucking stupid.
Huxley and I had a deal. That’s all this is.
When did I forget that?
When did I start thinking all of this was real?
None of it was. None of it meant anything. I don’t mean anything.
Fuck, how did I let this happen? How did I let myself fall for a guy that I knew would never want me?
Because you’re not smart enough to see through his lies.
But I saw them before. When did that change?
When he kissed you.
Fuck.
Our first kiss.
I was so blinded by how happy he made me feel in that moment that I didn’t realize that was all we’ve done since. Every second we were together was spent kissing, and I fooled myself into believing that meant he liked me.
But he doesn’t.
He never will.
And now every kiss will feel like a lie.
I glance back at his message, still glaring at me on my phone.
I miss you so much, Love.
I try to let his words sink in. I try to believe them too.
But I just can’t. The only thing he misses is someone to touch, someone to kiss.
It’s not actually me that he misses. I honestly don’t even matter in this situation.
I could send someone else to his apartment, and they could do the job better than I ever could.
I shove my hands into my hair and try to take a deep breath, but it catches, so I hold my breath instead.
“Val.”
I look up at Birdie and Ava. Their worry has only gotten stronger, but we all know there’s nothing to be done.
“What are you going to do?” Ava asks softly.
I don’t answer her. I can’t.
I have no clue how to get myself out of this without breaking even more than I already have.