Huxley
From nearly breaking down in tears last night to phone sex this morning, exhaustion will probably be my best friend today. I did manage a few hours of much-needed sleep, though. Not enough to prepare me for the day, but enough to feel good about where I stand with Val.
Hazel looks up as I come off the stairs, a sly smile on her lips.
“Did you have a good night's sleep?”
My brows furrow. “What?”
She shrugs and goes back to making breakfast. “Five am wake-up call with someone special?” She tries to hide her growing smile, and that makes me cringe even harder.
“Jesus.” I lean my elbows on the island, covering my face with my hands. This is not happening. My little sister did not hear me having phone sex. Not that I was trying to be quiet, but it was five in the morning for fucks sake.
“I’m just saying—”
“Well, don’t just say.” I stand up straight, glaring at her. “I get it. You heard me. Leave it alone.”
Hazel rolls her eyes, her smile completely disappearing. “Geez. I would have thought after the morning you had, you’d be in a better mood.”
I rub my fingers into my temples, trying to suppress the headache that’s slowly forming.
God, why did I even come home? I knew it was a bad idea the second I got in my truck, but I couldn’t be alone.
With Val in New York, my apartment felt too empty, too cold.
Not that being here feels warm in the slightest.
“Then again, phone sex with a call girl probably doesn’t compare to the real thing.”
I slam my hands into the counter with unexpected anger. “For fucks sake, it wasn’t a call girl.”
She doesn’t even know about Val, but the thought of someone calling her a call girl fills me with rage and a hint of pain. Val is so much more than a phone call for a good time. And I’m tired of hiding her.
Hazel’s eyes meet mine again, a bit of shock filling them. “So, a random girl on campus. Same thing.”
We continue to stare at each other, and I know the longer we do, the more she’s going to catch on. And even though I shouldn’t, I sort of want her to.
Her eyes suddenly widen, catching on to the silent words passing between us. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out until, “Holy shit,” she breathes. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Forgive me, Val. “Yeah,” I say with exhaustion but also a bit of relief. “I do.”
“For how long?”
“Not important.”
She scoffs. “Not important? Your first girlfriend isn’t important?”
“I didn’t say she wasn’t important. I said that the length of our relationship isn’t.”
Hazel winces. “That didn’t sound much better.”
I replay what I just said over in my head, groaning in frustration as the words sink in. “I didn’t mean that either. Look, the point is I’m not telling you anything other than I have a girlfriend.” Which is already too much.
I told Val not to tell her brother about us, which meant I wasn’t supposed to tell my family about her either.
But I couldn’t let Hazel think I was talking to a call girl, or even a random girl I had the number of.
Val deserves to be known. Even if it is just that she is my girlfriend and nothing more.
Hazel rolls her eyes and goes back to mixing up some weird concoction that makes me grimace. “What the fuck are you making?”
“Breakfast.”
“And that’s supposed to be…”
She looks up, a glare settling in her features. “Oatmeal.”
“No. Absolutely not.” I round the island and reach for her bowl. “Give me that before you poison all of us.”
She pulls the bowl away before I can grab it. “I know how to make oatmeal.”
“Did you cook it?”
Her shoulders fall. “No.”
“And what did you put in the bowl?”
She looks down at the bowl in her arms, filled with a mix of mashed ingredients, and shrugs. “I found a recipe online.”
“Please tell me it’s the first time you’ve used it.”
She sighs and shoves the bowl onto the island. “Look. I’m trying. Mom isn’t here. You’re not here. I’m the one who has to learn how to be a mother at 16 when I should be out with friends or having sex.”
“Never say that to me again.”
“You get what I mean.”
I nod. I do get what she means. When I was her age, I was out drinking and having sex. Well, I don’t know if you can call that having sex. That was…
The point is, I had freedom at 16.
Again, not really. Fuck, I did not want to be reminded of this today. Though it’s kind of hard to forget when this is the house it all started in.
I take a deep breath and grab the bowl Hazel was working with. “I’ll show you how to make oatmeal.”
She turns to me with her eyebrow raised. “You will?” she asks, skeptically. “Why?”
“Because that’s what a big brother is supposed to do.”
Painful understanding fills her eyes as she shakes her head. “You mean what a normal big brother is supposed to do.”
My heart squeezes tightly in my chest. “Hazel.”
“We aren’t normal, Huxley. We never will be.” She glances at the bowl still in my hands. “I’ll throw that out and find a new recipe. Don’t worry about it.”
She takes the bowl from me, and I don’t have the strength to stop her.
Ever since I’ve been with Val, all I’ve wanted is to try to be a better man for her. While learning how to be a better man for her, I started to want to be a better man for my family as well. But I don’t know if that’s possible.
Hazel still doesn’t see me as her brother, and even though I’m trying, I think she gave up on the possibility of us being close a long time ago.
“Fine,” I say in defeat. “I’ll go get the twins up.”
Before I can even turn around, the front door starts to open. And when I do, my eyes lock with my mother's.
A painfully wide smile lifts on her face when she sees me. “There’s my boy!”
I return her painful smile with a softer one as I meet her halfway for a hug. Her arms grip me tighter than I was expecting, jolting me a bit from her strength.
“Hi, Mom,” I mumble, my words not coming out fully from her tight grip on me.
“Let me look at you.” She shoves me back and looks me over with that same painful smile still pulling on her face. I can’t tell if it’s fake or if she actually is this excited to see me. She’d be the first.
“I didn’t think you were coming home,” I say as she continues looking me over.
She waves me off. “Hazel called and said you were here. And I can’t miss a moment to see my baby boy.”
She pulls me back into a hug while I look over my shoulder at Hazel. She continues dumping the oatmeal chaos into the trash, ignoring me and Mom altogether.
I knew her and Mom weren’t great—hell, my relationship with my mother isn’t that stellar, even with this reaction she’s giving me—but I didn’t know it was this strained.
Of course, you wouldn’t know. You’re never home.
I nearly flinch, the voice in my head sounding a lot like Hazel. Her eyes connect with mine, and she forces a smile before pulling out her phone to find a new recipe.
I pull back from my mother, who, for some reason, still has a tight grip on me. I know I’m not home much, but this feels deeper. Not that I’ll ever know the reason. Who knows when I’ll come home again?
“Actually, Mom. I was just going to go get the twins up.”
“Oh, let Hazel do that. She’s so good at it.”
I glance at Hazel as she stands frozen for a second. Then she forces another smile and shoves her phone into her pocket. “Sure. Of course.”
She heads for the stairs, leaving me with my overly happy mother.
“Why don’t the two of us make breakfast? Like we used to when you were little.”
My eyes fly to Hazel as she stumbles on the steps before quickly regaining her footing and heading upstairs.
I swallow down all the pain that rises in my chest and look down at my mother. “We haven’t done that since I was five, Mom.”
She waves me off, but her hand shakes a little. “I know. But why not relive a good memory?”
I scoff. “Good memory? In this house?” I shake my head. “Those are long gone.”
I pull myself away from my mother and head upstairs, needing to get away from what I now know was fake happiness.
Happiness doesn’t exist in this house. Fake smiles and ignorance fueled my childhood and left me more broken than anyone will ever know.
I reach the top of the stairs as Hazel comes out of the twins' room with Harper on her hip and Hero running out past her.
“Hey, bud,” I say as he approaches me, but he keeps on running.
I look up at Hazel as she rubs Harper's back, her eyes staring off where Hero just ran. “Don’t take it personally. He just started doing that to all of us.”
I nod, though it kills me inside. Then I put all my focus on my littlest sister—the one whose screams still fill my mind.
“Hey, Harper.”
Harper stares at me for a moment, wondering if she should trust me. I softly smile at her, hoping it eases her mind. With a little bit of hesitation, she finally reaches out to me. I take her in my arms, and she instantly curls into me, holding onto my shirt tightly.
My mind instantly goes to Val and all the times she’s held onto me like this.
After every fuck up.
After Halloween.
Before she left for New York.
“At least she’s doing better with you now.”
My eyes lift to Hazel as she starts to walk past me.
“Hazel.” She stops beside me but doesn’t look up. “I’m sorry—”
“For what?” She looks up at me quickly, her eyes turning glassy. “For never being here or for still being mom’s favorite despite never being here?”
Even though I can’t control who my mother sees as her favorite, I still say, “Both.”
Hazel nods. “Well, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about either of those things.”
She takes off for the stairs before I can reply, though I don’t even know what I’d say to that. She essentially told me that I’ll never be the big brother to her that I want to be, no matter what I do.
Harper tugs on my shirt, bringing my attention down to her.
“What is it, Sweetie?”
Her little eyes meet mine. “Down.”
“Okay.” I painfully smile at her and put her down. As soon as her feet hit the floor, she takes off running for the stairs.
A sharp breath leaves my lungs now that I’m alone.
I need Val. I need to talk to her. I need her voice to pull me back from this ledge that’s creeping up on me. But my phone’s in my room.
I take one step in that direction.
“Huxley, dear! Come down and have breakfast!” my mom yells up the stairs to me.
I swallow down the rising anxiety filling my chest and force a calmer breath to leave my lungs.
“Coming,” I say, only loud enough for myself to hear before I head for the stairs.