Huxley
After breakfast, my mother never lets me leave her side.
And during that time, Hazel takes care of the twins.
Making sure they take a nap, getting them a snack, playing with them.
Not that either of them does much playing.
Which is another thing that pulls at my heart and makes me realize how awful a big brother I really am.
I don’t know much about three-year-olds, but I’m pretty sure they should be smiling, and making noise, and all around being a little bit annoying. But I know adults with less patience than them.
And Hazel shouldn’t be a maid in her own house. I know my mom never got raising kids figured out, but she has to know that this isn’t right.
Hazel has been in the kitchen for the past hour making dinner. I’ve tried multiple times to get up and help her, but both she and my mother tell me to stay where I am.
I can’t wait to go home. My home. My apartment. And I can’t wait for Val to come back so I can hold onto her and forget I ever came here.
A knock sounds on the door, finally pulling my mother’s attention from me.
“Oh. He’s here.” She gets up from the couch, leaving me in utter confusion.
“Who’s here?” I glance back at Hazel, but she doesn’t give me anything. I look back at the door as my mother opens it to an older guy, probably about 10 years older than her 38 years.
He’s tall, but most people are tall compared to my mother, who barely reaches 5’2”. I stand from the couch, and even from here I know that I’m still taller than him. But that doesn’t ease my worry.
“Vincent,” my mother says softly.
He pulls my mother closer, kissing her harder than I ever want to see anyone kissing, especially my mother.
As he pulls away, his eyes meet mine. “So this is Huxley.”
“Who are you?” I ask, not hiding my irritation at the newcomer.
My mother turns to me sharply. “Be nice, Huxley.”
Vincent waves her off. “Don’t worry about it. He’s just not happy to see his mother with someone.”
“I would be happy if I knew anything about you.”
Vincent opens his arms wide like he’s expecting a hug, which would never happen in a million years. Not even if they got married would I hug this guy. “Then get to know me. I’m not going anywhere any time soon.”
He wraps his arms around my mother, pulling her into him, and her smile grows. I want my mother to be happy. I do. I just wish I had gotten a heads-up about this guy coming here.
I move around the couch and head for the kitchen. Hazel doesn’t look up as I approach her, which only pisses me off more.
“You couldn’t tell me that she was inviting someone?”
“You didn’t tell me you were coming home for a week. Now we’re even.”
“This isn’t even. I’m your brother. That man is a stranger.”
Her eyes snap to mine. “And you aren’t?”
All of my anger deflates in an instant. “Is that really how you see me?”
The spark in her eyes quickly dwindles as she shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.”
“Tell me about him now,” I say softly, trying to assure her that we’re okay. As much as we can be, at least.
She glances behind me at our mother and Vincent. “He’s alright, I guess. Mom’s happy with him.”
“That’s it? That’s all you can tell me?”
“She isn’t home enough for me to know much more.”
I nod and glance back at my mother and her boyfriend, who haven’t taken their eyes off each other.
“I don’t trust him.”
Hazel frowns. “Why not?”
“I don’t know. Something feels off. I can’t explain it.”
“Well, hopefully he’ll be like the rest and leave soon.” She forces a bright smile and looks around me. “Dinner’s ready.”
We all sit down at the table to eat, but no one says a word, not even the twins. I really thought Vincent and my mother would have had questions, or at least talked to each other by now. If they are expecting me to start the conversation, they’ll be waiting a while.
“So, Huxley.” I nearly flinch at the sound of Vincent’s voice as it finally breaks the silence. “How’s college treating you?”
I push my food around on my plate. “Can’t complain.”
“You seeing anyone special?”
As if I’d ever tell him about Val. She’ll be in my life longer than this guy will be in my mother’s, so there’s no point in bringing her up.
“He is actually.”
My head shoots up, eyes widening at my sister. “Hazel,” I hiss under my breath.
“He was just talking to her this morning,” she goes on as if I’m not right here begging her not to.
“You have a girlfriend, Huxley?” Shock fills my mother's face, and I hate that I can read exactly why it’s there. It’s not just that I didn’t tell her. It’s the fact that I have a girlfriend in the first place.
My mother knows better than anyone why I don’t have girlfriends. Well, she knows part of the reason. But even if that was the only reason, it’s still big enough for this to shock her.
“I was going to tell you,” I try to assure her as best I can, but out of all the things my mother misses, this is the one thing she doesn’t.
“No, you weren’t,” Hazel jumps in. “If I hadn’t found out this morning, you wouldn’t have told any of us.”
“Yeah, and for good reason,” I fire back at her. “You don’t know how to keep your mouth shut.”
“At least I know how to keep my legs shut.”
I freeze. Yes, Hazel knows about my escapades. Not the reason behind them, but she knows what everyone at college knows. That I sleep with a lot of girls.
Used to.
I used to sleep with a lot of girls.
But I never thought she would use that against me.
Her eyes widen like she just realized what she said. “Huxley.”
I push away from the table and head for the stairs without looking back. My bedroom door slams behind me, letting all my dark thoughts come screaming back in.
They weren’t supposed to know about Val. Now they’ll have expectations and hope, and those are both things I can’t provide.
I should have brushed Hazel off this morning. I should have ignored her when she realized I had a girlfriend. But I hated the way she called Val a call girl, and I couldn’t stand for that to be the picture she had in her mind when Val deserves so much more than that.
And now they know. They all know, and there’s nothing I can do to take it back, even though I desperately wish I could.
I wish I could keep Valentina all to myself.
Away from my family, away from the things that could hurt her.
But that’s the fucked up part of it. Keeping her to myself doesn’t keep her away from the things that could hurt her.
Because I could hurt her.
Even after these past few months of being beside her and letting her into my mind, there’s still the chance that it won’t work. That she won’t be able to calm my mind enough. That I’ll still hurt her with the thing that made everyone call me a sex addict.
And now I have to worry about this. I don’t want to believe my family knowing about Val will get her hurt, but I don’t trust Vincent. Even though I’m sure he’ll be gone soon, I don’t trust him knowing any more about her.
A knock on my door pulls me from the deep. I pull it open, fully expecting Hazel, but instead I find my mother looking up at me.
“Can we talk?” she asks in a serious tone, one that I don’t know if I’ve ever heard from her. And it makes me open my door wider to let her into my room.
I shut the door and turn to see her sitting on my bed. She softly pats the spot next to her, telling me to sit down. The overall moment has me so shocked that my body moves on its own to sit beside her.
“You told me once you’d never have a girlfriend.”
“Mom,” I whisper painfully, not wanting to talk about this, even though it’s the reason she came up here in the first place.
“And I fully understood why you said that.”
I lean my elbows on my knees, dragging my hands through my hair.
“He hasn’t come back here in a year,” she says softly, but it doesn’t ease the ache in my chest.
“He always comes back,” I whisper, more to myself than to her, a reminder of something I should have never forgotten.
“And yet you have a girlfriend.”
“Yeah, one that will never come here.”
She sighs but doesn’t say anything.
I lift my head from my hands and turn to her. “You can’t honestly expect me to bring her here.”
“You can’t live in fear of him your whole life.”
I turn to face her fully, the pain and anger overflowing in my veins. “Yes, I can. Because every single time he comes here, he hurts something that I care about. And I won’t let him hurt her.”
Her eyes soften, and I can feel it. Somehow, despite never being in love before, my mother can tell that I am.
“He won’t find out,” she whispers.
“You don’t know that.”
“And neither do you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to gain some semblance of calm, but it doesn’t work. I’m still too wired about this whole situation.
My eyes open when my mother places her hand on my knee. “Huxley. Your father won’t find out unless someone tells him about her. You won’t, I won’t, so no one will.”
“What about Vincent?”
My mother frowns. “What about him?”
“Would he tell?”
She laughs incredulously. “How would he know your father?”
I shrug. “Small world. Anything’s possible.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“How well do you even know this guy, Mom?”
Her eyes fall to her lap. “I’d like to hope—”
I scoff, cutting her off. “Hope. What good is that in this house?”
“Huxley.”
“I won’t let him hurt her mom. If that means never bringing her here, then that’s what I’ll do. If that means breaking up with…”
Those words burn my lungs as they hang in the air.
Break up with her? I can’t, there’s no way. I need Valentina. I need her to function at this point. But I can’t let her get hurt because of my dad.
“Do you care about this girl?” my mother asks, even though I know she already knows the answer.
I nod. “More than I ever thought I was capable of.”
“Then don’t let your father take her away from you.”
Ever good memory with Val runs through my head. Every laugh, every smile, even every time she’s cried and I’ve made her happy again. I hold it all close to my chest.
Because this is the reason I never asked Val out Freshman year. This is also the reason I can never extend our relationship past graduation.
My father always finds a way to destroy the things that matter most to me, and I won’t let her be another casualty in my destruction.
I painfully smile at my mother, and understanding fills her eyes the same way it fills my mind.
My voice breaks as I whisper the truth I wish wasn’t real. “He already has.”