Chapter 6
I stare at the phone.
Stare and stare.
Unblinking.
With wide eyes.
With disbelieving eyes.
Even though I wanted him to reply and was fully prepared to keep texting him until he did, I still can’t believe that I don’t have to take any of those measures. That he replied on his own. For some insane reason, I thought the charity event would be the last time we’d get to talk to each other.
Well, not really insane because he issued an ultimatum, so not getting to talk to him was a valid concern.
In any case, I’m both surprised and relieved that he replied.
And I’m rendered stupid by it, I guess, because my next words are these:
Isadora
You’re still awake?! ??
Of course he is awake.
Of course I knew he’d be awake; that’s why I texted him in the first place. He’s a night owl. Which is a surprise because he always needs to be up super early for practice. And if Shepard has one rule—and he doesn’t have that many—it’s that he’s never ever late for a practice.
I watch the dots come and go on the screen. They keep doing that for a long time too and it makes my heart clench. With fear. With desperation, with sadness. That we’ve gotten to this place where we’re so awkward with each other. And my heart clenches harder when I see his response show up on the screen.
Shepard
Clearly
Damn it.
I hate one-word answers. I do.
They’re so hard to crack. They make it so difficult to keep the conversation going.
That alone makes me want to say it.
That alone makes me want to go all caps lock on him and tell him yes. That yes, yes, yes, I will be his girlfriend, cue all the exclamation marks and a clown face and heart emojis.
But I refrain.
I pace myself.
Because I don’t want to scare him with my enthusiasm. I don’t want him to think of me as crazy and wonder what he’s gotten himself into.
I mean, he knows me, of course, but he knows me as his best friend, not as a girlfriend. And I’ve never been anyone’s girlfriend before, but I assume I’m going to be very gung-ho about it. I’m going to be overly dramatic, super lovey-dovey with perpetual heart eyes and throws-pink-glitter-and-confetti-everywhere kind of girlfriend.
So I go with something I would normally go with.
Isadora
I saw your game tonight.
I’m so sorry you lost. ??
I see the dots going on the screen once again and I pray they don’t last as long as they did before. And they don’t, thankfully. It’s only a little progress, but I will take it.
Shepard
Yeah, it was shitty.
I know my next words won’t help all that much, but still, I send them to him. Because another thing about Shep: he’s always so hard on himself when it comes to soccer. Which I find both admirable and heartbreaking at the same time. He’s one of the best players out there, but he’s always competing against himself, trying to be better and better. Sometimes I wish he’d stop and celebrate his hard work too.
Isadora
It was. But you played like you always do, amazingly. ??????
Shepard
Did I?
Isadora
Yes!
Shepard
And how would you know that?
Isadora
Because I know you!
Shepard
But you know nothing about soccer.
Isadora
I do too! You taught me.
Shepard
What did I teach you?
Isadora
The first thing you taught me is that when the ball hits the net, it’s a goal.
Shepard
I do sound smart.
Isadora
And you did that tonight. You hit the net.
Shepard
Can’t deny that.
Isadora
In fact you were the only one.
Shepard
Can’t deny that either.
Isadora
See? So you should at least be happy about that.
Shepard
I would. Except only the captain hitting the net doesn’t really cut it because soccer’s a team sport.
Did I forget to teach you that?
Isadora
You’re hilarious. ??
Shepard
That should’ve been lesson number two.
Isadora
I have lesson number three for you.
Shepard
Yeah, what’s that?
Isadora
Stop moping around about a loss because there’s always a next time.
Shepard
Very inspirational.
Isadora
I can be inspiring. ??
Shepard
I probably should get a bumper sticker with that.
Isadora
You probably should.
Along with that thing you always say.
Shepard
What thing?
Isadora
That arrogance is just confidence with extra inches.
Shepard
Yeah I do say that, don’t I?
Isadora
And from what I remember you have a lot of extra inches.
Oh and yes, that was a double entendre.??????
I chuckle as I send the message off, and in a rush of happiness, I realize something. That the awkwardness is gone. As always, our conversation just flowed and what do you know, I forgot about everything else.
In fact, this is the first time in days that I haven’t thought about anything else. I haven’t thought about my rehearsals, the upcoming play. I haven’t thought about my mother and my smarting skin. I haven’t even thought about… him and?—
Oh great.
I just did that, didn’t I?
I just thought about him while celebrating the fact that I hadn’t thought about him for five minutes. And now that he’s popped up in my head, I can’t help but also think that the only time I forget the world, the only time I forget everything else that exists in the world, is when I talk to him.
But maybe it’s not unique to him.
This phenomenon.
This amnesia that seems to occur only in his presence.
Maybe Shepard can make me forget things too.
And that’s wonderful, isn’t it?
Yes, it is, I tell myself. It is a good thing.
When my phone pings with a text again, I forcefully push all the thoughts of him away and focus on my goal. On my best friend.
Shepard
Looks like you’ve learned from the best after all.
I go to type something cheeky, but his next text that immediately whooshes in gives me pause.
Shepard
But I’m afraid I should really stop talking out of my ass.
Isadora
What?
Shepard
Because if I keep doing that there won’t ever be a next time.
Isadora
What? What does that mean?
Shepard
I got benched.
My eyes go wide as I stare at his reply. For a few seconds, I can’t make sense of it.
Is he joking?
Because he does that a lot. He jokes around. He makes fun of things; he keeps things light. But I don’t remember him ever, ever making a joke about soccer. He takes it way too seriously. And I can’t type fast enough.
Isadora
Are you joking?
Shepard
No.
His one-word reply, so unlike him, by the way, makes my heart race. It makes my heart pound and pound in my chest. With dread. With confusion.
Isadora
But what happened? Why would they bench you? ??
Shepard
Because as I just said I was doing the thing that I always do, running my mouth.
Isadora
Running your mouth about what?! ??????
It doesn’t make sense. Did you have a fight with Coach Thorne? What happened? Why would he do that? ??????
Shepard
There was a Coach Thorne, yes. But not the one you’re thinking of.
I’m frowning harder now.
My heart is galloping harder as well. The more I talk to him and ask questions, the more confused I become.
What is he talking about?
What does he mean by not the one I’m thinking of? There’s only one…
But there isn’t, is there?
There’s also him.
And maybe it’s all in my head—in fact, I’m pretty sure it is—but I feel like the temperature drops in the room. The air gets colder. The air gets harsher too, blowing the curtains up in a large wave. And my skin breaks out in goose bumps.
I try to type, but my fingers keep slipping and hitting the wrong keys. But his text comes in first.
Shepard
I see you’ve figured it out.
This time I’m successful in getting my trembling fingers to cooperate and respond.
Isadora
He benched you?
Shepard
Yeah.
Isadora
Why?
Shepard
Apparently power got to his head.
Isadora
What power?
Shepard
He’s the new head coach.
At this, I drop my phone.
I do.
I have to.
Because oh my God. Oh my God, he accepted?
He finally accepted the job?
I know he wasn’t.
I’ve heard my dad talking about it. I’ve heard other people talking about it at parties. How they’ve been wanting to promote him, and he keeps turning them down. They’ve been wanting to fire their old coach—the coach before Coach Thorne came on board—and promote him to the head coach. But he always kept saying no, that he was fine where he was. In fact, one of the biggest reasons he convinced Coach Thorne to take the job in the first place was because he himself didn’t want it. For some unknown, bizarre reason. That I’ve wanted to find out.
Every time I heard people lamenting about the fact that Stellan Thorne wouldn’t take the job, I wanted to go to him. I wanted to shake him and ask him what the hell he was doing. Why the hell would he keep turning such an amazing opportunity down?
I mean, isn’t that what he’s working toward?
Becoming the head coach.
But I guess he stopped being an idiot and took the job. And I’m so happy about that, so ecstatic and thrilled and excited that I fire off a response without thinking.
Isadora
He is?!!! He took the job?!! ????????????
Shepard
Well it was more or less thrust upon him but yeah.
Isadora
Oh my God!!!!????????????
Shepard
You’re not kidding, are you?
What if I was?
Isadora
Shut up. No. Don’t be kidding about this.??????
Shepard
Why not?
Isadora
Because this is serious, okay? This is amazing!!! ??
Shepard
Amazing.
Isadora
Yes! This is beyond amazing.????????
Shepard
You’re using that word a lot today, aren’t you?
Isadora
Shut up! Do you know how many times I’ve heard people talk about it at parties?
Shepard
How many?
Isadora
God, I don’t know, a hundred?!
A million! ??????
Shepard
It couldn’t have been that many.
Isadora
Stop.
The point is that so many people wanted this! ????
Shepard
Sounds like you’re one of them.
Isadora
Of course I am! He’s responsible for the majority of the changes in the team.
Shepard
Ah, I forgot that you know everything about soccer now.
Isadora
Again, shut up.
And he is. Ask anyone!
Shepard
I don’t think some people would agree with that.
Isadora
Then some people need to get a clue. He was the first one who came on board when the team was almost dying. He was the one who trained so many players, helped in drafting them. He did all the initial work. He lay the groundwork for others to come in and shine. In many ways this is his team.
It is.
People always see the shining trophies and praises after the fact. And no, I’m not denying all the work that players and other coaches have put in. But he truly was the one who whipped the team into shape in the beginning. He truly was the one who came on first and changed so many things around the locker room and game strategies. He did lay the groundwork for others to build on.
But maybe it’s not so glamorous as scoring a goal or shooting a commercial. Pair that with his reluctance to go on camera or do interviews or any sort of press and the fact that he insists on staying as the assistant puts him at a disadvantage.
And despite everything, my heart squeezes for him.
For this man who loves shadows more than light.
Who wouldn’t even take credit when it’s overdue.
I wish I could…
I wish I could do something about that. I wish I could understand why.
But then again, it’s none of my business.
Shaking my thoughts away, I fire off another text.
Isadora
Besides do you remember the old coach? How obnoxious he was?! He totally gave me the creeps. I was so happy when he was let go.
Shepard
He gave you the creeps.
Isadora
Yes.
Shepard
Why?
Isadora
Because he hit on me.
Shepard
He hit on you.
Isadora
Yes!
Shepard
When?
Isadora
I don’t know, a lot of times.
Shepard
Define a lot of times.
And if your answer begins with I don’t know, it’s probably the wrong answer.
I frown down at my screen. Is it just me or does he sound bossy?
I mean, Shepard can be bossy sometimes, sure. Like when he’s talking about soccer. Or when we’re riding in his car—he loves cars; that’s his other passion besides soccer—and he’s always like, no eating in my car, and all that.
But not like this.
Never ever like this.
It reminds me of… damn it.
There’s only one person it reminds me of and I’m trying so hard not to focus on him right now.
Isadora
That’s not even the point.
Shepard
It is now.
Isadora
Can we just drop it?
Shepard
How many?
Isadora
Please.
Shepard
How the fuck many.
Isadora
Oh my God, I don’t know! And that’s the right answer because he’d do it at every party, okay? And multiple times during the party. Sometimes he’d come over for dinner and I’d be up in my room and he’d come up and strike up a conversation with me. And the whole time he’d stare at my chest or try to touch me. It creeped me out. He creeped me out. There. Are you happy now? ????
I know I’m making light of it, but he did make me super uncomfortable. Actually, he scared me too. I’d avoid him as much as I could. Usually, I can handle myself with men. Be it sheer luck or skill, I’ve always managed to come out unscathed in tricky situations. But for some reason, I always thought my luck would run out when it came to the old coach.
My mom obviously didn’t believe me, meaning my father didn’t too. Whenever I complained about him, she would just tell me to stop being provocative or wear different clothes. Or just not be so myself.
So I was glad when they let him go. And they did that because they were able to bring on Coach Thorne. And that happened because of him. Because he somehow pulled his older brother out of his self-imposed exile and convinced him to take the job.
So in a way, I’ve always thought he saved me.
Like he has a habit of doing.
Shepard
I will be.
Isadora
What?
Shepard
When I make sure he gets fired from his current team and never gets a job again.
Isadora
What?!! Why?
Shepard
Because someone needs to teach him a lesson.
I stare at the screen for a few seconds.
Then, without thinking, I type up and fire off my reply.
Isadora
Are all Thorne brothers like that?
Shepard
Like what?
Isadora
Ready to teach lessons to assholes who don’t treat girls nicely.
Because that’s what he said too.
The night of the charity event.
Shepard
Pretty much.
Isadora
Is it because you’ve got a sister my age?
Shepard
She’s older than you. But yes.
I clench the phone tighter then.
Because a giant wave of emotions goes through me that makes me shiver and reminds me so much of him, so very much that for several seconds, I don’t know what to do. But I try to stay focused.
Isadora
Well, no need to waste your protective instincts on me. I’m fine now. He’s gone and he’s never coming back. So can we please get back on track?
Shepard
Which is what?
Isadora
Which is how amazing it is that he’s the head coach now. Well, co-head coach along with Coach Thorne.
Right?
Everything else aside, I’m glad for him.
I really am.
Shepard
I don’t think that was the track we were on.
The track was how as the head coach the very first thing he did was to bench the captain of the team. But can’t deny that this has been a revelation.
I had no idea you were such a big fan of him.
My heart drops then.
At his words.
And something occurs to me. That how strange it is that we’ve been talking about him without really mentioning his name. That how it is understood that the he is him. I don’t know why I’m thinking about such useless things when there’s something else at stake.
The fact that I forgot.
I completely forgot about Shepard being benched because of the news of his promotion.
God what a fucking idiot I am.
Forget being a girlfriend. I acted like such a shitty best friend just now. Instead of supporting him through this, I’m going on and on about the man who caused this in the first place.
Not to mention, this is so against all my promises and plans.
Isadora
Did you guys have a fight?
Shepard
You could say that.
Isadora
About the game?
Shepard
No.
Isadora
About how you played tonight?
Shepard
No.
Isadora
So then about what?
Shepard
About inconsequential things.
Isadora
What inconsequential things?
I wait for his answer then, growing restless by the second.
I don’t know why, but I have a bad feeling about this.
Bad and angsty.
Twisty and achy.
Shepard
He wants something.
Isadora
What does he want?
Shepard
Something I have that he thinks belongs to him.
Isadora
What is it?
I see the dots going and going, and this achy feeling only grows.
And it grows so much that it gets harder to contain it within the limits of my body. The seams of my skin and the borders of my bones seem to be pulling taut.
Just when I think I will come apart, he replies.
Shepard
It doesn’t matter. He’ll let me keep it.
I have zero idea of what he’s talking about.
Zero.
All I know is I don’t want them to fight.
I don’t.
Even though I know there’s some tension between them. There always has been. You couldn’t miss it or at least I didn’t. Probably because in the beginning, every time I’d strike up a conversation with Shepard about him, he’d wave it away. He’d avoid talking about it. Sometimes he’d get irritated and I’d back off. And so from all that I’ve seen, it looks like Shepard doesn’t like his twin brother all that well.
And it always made me curious.
It also made me think that maybe this stupid plan I have—using one brother to get another—should be stopped. Of course I didn’t stop, though, and now look where we are.
In any case, I still try to approach this albeit delicately. Not only because he may not like it but also because for some reason, I can’t shake that bad feeling. I can’t shake this restlessness in my chest.
Isadora
He’s your brother.
Shepard
I’m aware of that.
Isadora
Twin brother.
Shepard
Aware of that too.
Isadora
So you should talk to him. Whatever it is that you guys are fighting about can be resolved. I mean, he’s one of the good guys, right?
Shepard
Can I tell you secret?
Isadora
What secret?
Shepard
He may look like a good guy but from what I hear he’s a fucking asshole.
My whole body shakes then.
My whole body goes in an uproar. My heart, my breaths.
My soul.
For a few seconds, I think that maybe he knows.
He knows what I said to him that night. I called him an asshole in disguise, didn’t I, so maybe Shepard overheard it. Not only he overheard what I said, but he can read my mind. He can read my thoughts. He can hear my heartbeats and if he can, then he probably knows that every beat of my heart, every pulse, every thought is of one and one man only.
Him.
Isadora
Yes.
Shepard
Yes what?
Isadora
Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes, I want to be your girlfriend!!! ????????????????
And then comes the longest pause in the history of all the pauses in the world.
I know that was abrupt, me going all yes on him like that. But I needed to get the situation and my traitorous thoughts under control. And now that he’s not responding, I think maybe I should call him instead of this stupid back and forth via texting. But then I realize that this is all I can do right now. This is all the courage I have in me, so I fire off another text, a long one.
Isadora
I know I’ve been a shitty friend. I know this whole past year I led you on. The whole world thinks I’m your girlfriend when I’m not. I never was. Instead, I gave you mixed signals. I knew you were starting to feel more for me, but I didn’t say anything. I pretended not to notice and that was awful of me. It was so fucking awful of me to do that to you, to my best friend. I watched you feel so shitty and did nothing. I strung you along. I dragged my feet. I forced you to give me an ultimatum that night and I… I’m so sorry about that, Shepard. I’m so so sorry. I never wanted you to feel that way. I never wanted to hurt you. I just… I was so blind. I was so wrapped up in my own head that I couldn’t realize that you were the one for me. You are the one for me.
You gave me until the home game to give you an answer but I’m giving it to you now. I want you. I want to be with you. I never ever want to make you feel the way I have this last year. I want to be your girlfriend.
I want to say more.
I want to keep saying it.
I also want to curl up in a ball and disappear as the winter breeze swirls inside my bedroom. Because this is it, isn’t it? This is the end of an era. The end of my obsession with him. Because now that I’ve given my answer to Shepard, I’m going to cut all ties with him. I’m going to firmly push him out of my mind and focus all my devotion and love on my best friend.
No more watching him. No more obsessing over him.
No more making him jealous or angry.
I knew it was coming, the end. I wanted it to come, but maybe I wasn’t fully prepared for it. For the death of my love. For the murder of it.
At my own hands.
But it’s okay.
It’s always better to kill the love that will only be mourned by one heart. Because that love is unrequited and therefore useless.
Once again, those three dots come and go, and I stare at them and stare at them, waiting with bated breath for his response.
Shepard
The world does think you’re my girlfriend.
I swallow as I watch another one come in.
Shepard
But you’re not.
Followed by another.
Shepard
Because you gave me mixed signals.
And another.
Shepard
You strung me along. You dragged your feet.
And yet another.
Shepard
Even when you knew I wanted you.
Do I have all of that right?
I don’t know how I do it, but I reply to him.
Isadora
Yes.
Shepard
And you’re sorry.
Do I have that right as well?
Isadora
Yes, you do. Because I am. I’m sorry, Shepard.
Shepard
But now you want to be my girlfriend.
Isadora
Yes, I do. I want to.
My chest heaves, going up and down. My breaths are cold and papery as I once again stare at the screen like my life depends on it. And maybe it does because the moment he answers back, my heart stops.
Shepard
No.
Isadora
What?
Shepard
What makes you think I want you to be my girlfriend.
After everything you’ve done.
This hadn’t occurred to me. I have to admit.
Not once did I think he’d… refuse. Not once did I think he’d say no.
He is, though, and… And I think it makes sense, right?
It makes perfect sense because I’ve hurt him. Not only did I string him along for almost a year, I made him wait for two whole weeks after I forced him to give me an ultimatum. After he told me he loved me.
God, I should’ve thought of that. It should’ve been obvious.
I hasten to reply back.
Isadora
I know you’re mad at me. I know that. I understand that. But I just need one chance.
Shepard
One chance for what?
Isadora
One chance to prove that I mean it. That I won’t ever do anything to hurt you.
Shepard
Yeah, see that’s the thing, isn’t it, from the sound of it you already have.
Isadora
Please, Shepard.
I’ll do anything.
Shepard
To be my girlfriend, you mean.
Isadora
Yes! Whatever it is that you want me to do.
I’ll do it all.
I’m gripping my phone with both hands now, sitting up in the bed. My breaths are louder than the wind whipping outside. And then they explode when he replies.
Shepard
Okay.
Isadora
Okay, I can be your girlfriend?
Shepard
Okay, I’ll let you do anything to be my girlfriend.
I chew on my lips as I respond.
Isadora
What does that mean?
Shepard
It means that you should rest your knees tonight. Because starting tomorrow you’ll be spending a lot of time on them. Begging me to stop stringing you along and playing with your emotions. Starting tomorrow you’ll be begging me to show you mercy. When you didn’t. For a whole fucking year.