Chapter 7
Sitting on the window seat, I stare at the icy panes. I stare at the flurries of snow falling beyond it. They’re the kind that stick to the ground, to everything they touch, morphing the world into the land that’s either made of wonder or waste.
Kind of like love.
Making a heart bloom or taking away its last beat.
Looking away from the window, I glance down at the phone in my hand.
Unable to sleep, I read and reread the messages with Shepard. My boyfriend or rather my would-be boyfriend when I’m done repenting for my sins against him. It’s okay. I don’t think it’s unfair by any means. After everything I’ve put him through, I think I’m getting off easy.
It’s the other thing that’s stealing my sleep in this moment.
I’m telling myself I shouldn’t do it.
That there’s no reason for me to do something like this. Yes, he’s benched Shepard for whatever reason, but it’s not my fight. It’s theirs. They should resolve it. I have no reason to put myself in the middle of it. In fact, I’ve already tried to come between them and I should be thankful it never panned out.
But for some reason, I can’t help myself.
From pulling up his number—he never gave it to me, of course; I lifted it off Shepard’s phone one day—and firing him off a text.
Isadora
Put him back on. ????
His reply comes back in seconds as if his phone was in his hands and he was just waiting for it to ring.
Wildfire Thorn
Who is this?
Even though he has no reason to know who this is, his innocuous response makes me angry. It makes me want to punch him.
Isadora
This is the girl who’s going to kick your ass! ??????
Wildfire Thorn
I thought you were going to burn me down and melt me. Or something to that effect.
I gasp.
Asshole.
You know what, I’m changing his name to asshole just as soon as I get off from chewing his ass out.
Isadora
You knew who I was.
Wildfire Thorn
I had a feeling.
Although I don’t remember giving you my number.
Isadora
I stole it from Shepard because I’m just so obsessed with you.
That was sarcasm by the way. Something you’re so familiar with.
Wildfire Thorn
I am familiar with it, yes. That’s how I know sarcasm is just a fancy way of telling the truth.
Although what I don’t know is do I need to change my number now that you have it.
I grit my teeth.
I narrow my eyes at the screen even though he can’t see me.
Isadora
Relax. I have no interest in you. Not anymore.
Wildfire Thorn
So then to what do I owe this annoyance in the middle of the night?
Isadora
You benched him.
Wildfire Thorn
Who’s him?
I grit my teeth harder and stab the screen with my fingers as I respond.
Isadora
Don’t be an asshole.
Wildfire Thorn
Can’t help it.
Isadora
Put him back on the team!! ??????
Now!!??????
Wildfire Thorn
I would. Except you still haven’t said it.
“God, I hate him,” I grumble to the phone, but instead of typing out a response, I just hit call. This back and forth is ridiculous.
“Looks like I may have to change my number after all,” he murmurs, picking up before the first ring ends.
And I have to draw up my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my bare legs, physically holding myself together with his gravelly voice filling my ear. “Why are you being such an asshole?”
“Probably because I am such an asshole,” he responds flippantly.
I breathe out sharply. “Okay, fine. Shepard. Shepard Thorne. Your twin brother, remember him? Put him back on the team.”
“Ah,” he goes. “You mean your boyfriend.”
I think he puts emphasis on the ‘boyfriend.’
A great emphasis. As if saying it in underlined italics. As if saying it with an underlying meaning.
But maybe it’s just me.
Maybe I’m making things up in my head.
“Yes, my boyfriend.” I swallow, still uncomfortable lying to him. “You benched him. You need to fix it.”
“Hmm.” He almost purrs in my ear and I dig my nails into my thighs. “That’s not how you do it.”
“That’s not how you do what?” I snap.
“Beg on your boyfriend’s behalf.”
My spine straightens. “What?”
“That’s what you’re doing, aren’t you?” he drawls. “Begging me.”
I press my phone to my ear and say with clenched teeth, “I’m not begging you. I will never beg you.”
“Although I will say that I’m a little surprised,” he says without paying attention to what I said.
“There is no need for you to be surprised. Because I’m not?—”
“Didn’t know he’d send a girl to make his case,” he finishes. “But it’s understandable if he’s a little intimidated.”
And I’m gritting my teeth so hard that it becomes tough to speak.
But I manage it somehow.
“He is not intimidated,” I tell him. “Okay? He is so not intimidated by you. In fact, my boyfriend will kick your ass any day of the week.”
“And twice on Sunday, I assume,” he inquires with a mocking tone.
“Oh, you think it’s funny?”
“No, I just think he’ll probably be too busy running laps around the field come Sunday, and every day of the week for that matter, to kick anyone’s ass, let alone his coach’s,” he drawls. “So I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”
My nostrils flare with a large, angry breath. “This is an abuse of power. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know,” he says simply, casually.
I shake my head. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you doing this?”
For the next couple of seconds, all I hear is my own breaths, fast and loud. Like I’m waiting for a bomb to explode. I’m waiting for him to tell me something that’s going to blow my mind.
“I think you know,” he murmurs, but there’s still an edge to his words.
But I’m not concerned about his tone right now. Because that bad feeling I couldn’t push away while talking to Shepard comes back in full force. It feels more like an instinct now. A gut feeling.
More solid. More undeniable.
I notice flurries picking up speed from the corner of my eyes as I say, “He said you guys had a fight.”
“We did,” he confirms.
“What did you guys fight about?”
Again, for a few seconds, I hear my loud breaths. But this time, it’s against the backdrop of the wind whipping and howling outside. It’s against the backdrop of this dread in the pit of my stomach.
“I think you know that too.”
And then it feels like everything stops.
My heart, my breaths.
The snow.
The flakes suspend in the air, floating like feathers.
“You think…” I begin with a trembling voice. “I don’t… I don’t belong to you.”
My words sound bizarre to my ears.
They don’t make any sense, except they do.
Because that’s what Shepard said, didn’t he, when we were talking about the fight. He said that he has something that Stellan thinks is his.
Those were his exact words.
Exact.
So if they fought about what I think they fought about—me—then in conclusion, I’m the thing that Stellan thinks belongs to him.
Right?
I know I sound like a crazy person right now, putting things together like a puzzle, but I just… I think I need a minute.
To gather my wits.
To pull myself together.
Because… What?
What the fuck?
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he says again with an edge to his voice.
This time, more pronounced, though.
“What?”
“You do belong to me.”
And then, with his words echoing in my ear, the world begins to move. The breaths slam back into my chest. My heart pitter-patters before pounding. The flakes finally make their way down to the bare branches of the tree I’ve been staring at all through this.
“I… What?” I ask on a whisper.
“Not him,” he whispers too, but again his is edgy, dangerous, full of sharp and icy thorns. “Me.”
“I… I don’t,” I finally manage to say. Finally manage to pull myself together and think. “I don’t even know why you’d think that. I’m with him. I’m?—”
“Only because you’re not with me,” he cuts me off.
“But you didn’t want me,” I say, clutching my phone tighter.
“Which is why you went to him.” He pauses then, “Didn’t you?”
And I realize I’m still very much in danger.
Because again I become thoughtless and speechless.
I freeze.
And not from the cold.
“The reason you went to him in the first place is because I didn’t want you. Because you wanted me to want you. You wanted me to look at you, so you gave me something to look at. Isn’t that right? You danced with him that night. You danced in his fucking arms. You laughed with him, flirted with him. You made it look like he’s the center of your fucking universe. Because I was the center of yours.”
“That’s not…” I burst out, but words fail me. “H-how do you…”
“You use men,” he says, his voice low. “Isn’t that what you told me? That night. You use them to get what you want. You throw yourself at them to get them to do what you want. And you wanted me. So you used my twin brother to get to me. Wasn’t so hard to put together if you look closely. I just wasn’t looking. That’s why you came after me that night at the charity event. Not because you’re some spoiled little rich girl who can’t make up her mind, who flits from one twin to another, but because you want just the one twin and you’ve been using the other to get him.” Then, “I have to admit it doesn’t feel very good. Not being able to recognize what was right in front of me. I’m usually better at paying attention than this.”
“You—”
“On the other hand, though, maybe you should take solace in the fact that this bodes very good things for your acting career. If you can fool me with your stellar acting skills, you could fool anyone.”
I clutch the phone with both hands, my belly churning. “Please don’t… Don’t tell him. Don’t… I’m… I’m not using him anymore. I’m not… I want him, okay? I want to be with him and?—”
He hums. “Very touching.”
“Please, I’m begging you.”
“I thought you didn’t beg.”
“God,” I burst out again. “Can you just… Look, yes, I wanted you. Back then. I wanted you badly. I wanted you so much that I used Shepard. I made it look like I was into him. Because I wanted you to be jealous. I wanted you to want me back, to eat your words from that night. I wanted you to regret not kissing me, for rejecting me. I just… I don’t know what had gotten into me, okay? I’d never felt this way about any guy and… I thought… God, I actually thought you were my destiny.” I shake my head. “It sounds so stupid when I say it now, but… I thought you were the one I dreamed about. But I was stupid, okay? I was petty and immature. It was before I knew how big of an asshole you are. I don’t want you anymore. I want him. I want to be with Shepard. So I need you to stop messing with him and put him back on the team.”
“I will,” he says.
“You—”
“But I want something in return.”
Dread is hard and cold in my stomach.
Because I know. I know what he’s going to say.
I know it.
“Don’t,” I warn him. “Don’t do this. Don’t?—”
“You.”
“No.”
“Because I think such devotion and persistence should be rewarded, don’t you? I’m sure there’s a lesson in there somewhere: be careful what you wish for or more like, don’t play the game with someone who can play it back harder. But let’s focus on the reward rather than the punishment, shall we? You’ve been dying for me, haven’t you? Well, congratu-fucking-lations, I’m putting you out of your misery.”
“I don’t?—”
“So this is how it’s going to go: when we come back for the home game, I want one night.”
“O-one night?”
“With you,” he goes on. “One night to do as I please. To do whatever the fuck I want with you. To give you what you’ve been begging for. One night where you belong to me. Where you’re mine and mine only. You agree to that and in exchange, I’ll give you what you want. I won’t mess with him. Or you. I won’t abuse my power. I’ll keep your dirty little secret so you can live your happily ever after with my brother.”
“Don’t do this,” I beg again. “Please don’t do this.”
“I kinda have to. I’m the asshole in disguise, remember? But unfortunately for you, Dora, I am also your fucking destiny.”