CHAPTER FIVE #2
Truthfully, Jessie needed a shower, a dozen hours of sleep, and another helping of her mother’s gumbo—and maybe a few Gussy cuddles—but she couldn’t say goodbye to Malcolm now. “Nah, I’ve got a second wind.” She winked, and Malcolm beamed.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels. “You want to go for a little stargazing?” he asked, voice tinged with hesitation.
Jessie closed the distance, getting on tiptoe to kiss Malcolm chastely on the lips. “Give me five minutes, and I’ll meet you at your car.”
Less than twenty minutes later, the pair was back on the grounds of Hog Hollow, strolling through the meadow hand-in-hand.
Despite the chill in the air, Malcom’s hand was warm in her grip, anchoring her to the moment.
Unlike their visits during the summer, the Georgia winter had chased the bugs away.
All that surrounded them was open fields and a sky full of stars.
Always the planner, Malcolm had brought a blanket along, which he gingerly placed on the ground. He sat down, pulling Jessie into his lap. She leaned back, resting her head on his shoulder. It was a cloudless night, the sky clear and bright. Countless stars twinkled, each sparkling just for them.
“What’s that one up there?” she asked, pointing to a cluster of stars over the barn.
Scoffing, Malcolm squeezed her middle. “That’s easy. That’s the seven cousins.”
Jessie was incredulous. “Isn’t it the seven sisters?” She wiggled back into his hold, squirming when he tickled her sides.
“No, ma’am, it’s actually more of a family reunion. Atlas wanted to protect all his favorite cousins in the sky. That one on the left is Harry, and the one all the way over there is Jerry.” His voice cracked the longer his nonsense story continued.
As their laughter subsided, Jessie melted more into Malcolm’s hold. No matter where she went, nothing ever felt like being with Malcolm. Yet sometimes, like right now, the ease of their relationship scared her. Weren’t first loves supposed to flame out like the stars above them?
Shaking away the fear, Jessie confessed, “I missed you.” Her admission floated into the night, carried away on the wind.
Malcolm nuzzled her neck, causing goosebumps to erupt from her hairline to her belly. “Missed you more, JJ. I’m so glad you’re home.” Against her will, Jessie’s body tensed. Attuned to her body, Malcolm stopped his trail of kisses above her collarbone. “JJ?” he asked.
“Only for holidays,” she said carefully, voice even despite the roiling happening in her ribcage. “I get my new assignment right after the new year.”
Malcolm’s body went rigid, and suddenly it was like she was sitting in an uncomfortable chair and not in her boyfriend’s lap. “But I thought you were going to stay, maybe find a job until the next semester starts?”
Jessie pivoted so she could snatch his gaze. “I never said that,” she accused, raising an eyebrow. “Who told you that?”
Malcolm swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Your parents. On the drive to the airport, Nick said they were getting your room ready and ...”
And Jessie had heard enough. She pulled free of Malcolm’s hold, stumbling to her feet.
“I’m not ready to come back permanently.
I’m just getting started! I’ve still got so much to see, so much to do.
College isn’t for me, you know that. I feel like, like I fit.
I can’t explain how it’s different, but it is.
” Her eyes pleaded with him to understand.
But Malcolm didn’t understand. It was clear from the set of his jaw, the frown marring his handsome face. “Let’s get you back,” he said as he pushed to his feet, kicking the blanket into a ball before tucking it under his arm. There was no handholding on the long slog back to the car.
Jessie struggled to meet his stride, nearly tripping over a rock. “Malcolm, come on,” she groaned, snaking his elbow. “Can’t we talk about this?”
She was horrified when the first tear slid down his cheek. Bottom lip trembling, Malcolm shook his head. “I guess we’re done talking, JJ. Sounds like you made up your mind.”
The drive back to her parents’ place was painfully silent. Jessie toyed with the hem of her shorts, posture stiff. Malcolm hadn’t bothered turning on the radio. There were no Christmas carols, no conversations of the constellations, just a horrible silence that made her ears ring.
As soon as Malcolm parked in the driveway, he leaned over to open the glovebox. “I was going to wait and give this to you on Christmas, but maybe I should do it now.” He thrust a small box out, dropping it into her waiting palm.
Bile crept up Jessie’s throat as she studied the small box—a ring box. “Malcolm,” his name escaped on a whisper.
He scoffed. “Don’t worry, Jessie. It’s not what you think.”
At the mention of her name, the lack of her nickname, she jerked her head to stare at his sullen profile.
His jaw clenched, eyes pinched. Finally, she couldn’t look any longer.
Carefully, she opened the box, gasping at the ring inside.
It was a silver band studded with tiny gemstone stars the color of the rainbow. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s a promise ring,” he admitted, still unable to face her.
“I saw it and thought of you.” He sighed and added, “Of us.” Before she could say anything, he soldiered on.
“I love you, and I wanted to give you something special. I can’t say I’ll wait around forever.
I feel pathetic enough already. But you know where to find me when you’re ready. ”
Jessie pressed the box to her chest. “Malcolm, please. You’re not—”
He gripped the steering wheel, the leather protesting in his hold. “It’s okay. It’s not the first time I misread the situation. Enjoy the holidays with your folks. I think it’s best if I don’t come over for Christmas.”
“What?” Jessie was incredulous.
“It’s sending the wrong message.” To him or her family? She couldn’t tell.
“Malcolm.” Jessie rested a hand over his, which was as cold as ice, and he still wouldn’t look at her. “Why can’t you be excited for me? I’m finally doing my own thing. I’m not ready to come home.”
“Message received,” he said through clenched teeth.
“All I want is for you to be happy.” Finally, he turned to face her, but she wished he hadn’t.
Never had she seen her happy-go-lucky boyfriend look this stricken, this hurt.
“Go see the world, and if you wear this, think of me.” He leaned over, kissing her cheek. “Goodbye, Jessie.”
Jessie couldn’t remember much after that, it was as if her brain was saving her from herself.
The next week went by in a blur of tinsel, ham, cookies, and family.
By the time her boss called with the details of her next placement in West Africa, she was already packed and ready to leave Pinegrove.
While stuffing her duffle, she pretended she hadn’t noticed the way the light leeched from Malcolm’s eyes at her declaration.
She also pretended her stomach didn’t twist in knots when she told her parents she wouldn’t be home for Easter, that she’d likely miss Trevor’s graduation from the academy.
But this was what she wanted, what she needed to do.
Jessie’s purpose hadn’t been written in the stars like her daddy and Trevor’s, and even Malcolm’s and his folks’.
She never clambered out of bed with a goal in mind.
All Jessie knew was that her feet itched to travel, her hands burned to create, and her heart ached to help people.
Daisy drove Jessie to the airport in Atlanta, her lips pressed in a line, eyes red. “I’ll call as soon as I get set up, Momma.” Jessie forced some cheer in her voice.
Reaching out, her mother patted her knee, never taking her eyes off the road. “I know you will, sugar.”
By the time they arrived at the airport, Jessie begged Daisy not to park and come inside. “It’ll be faster for both of us this way.” Jessie flung the door open and bounded onto the sidewalk, throat closing the longer it took to say goodbye. “I love you, Momma.”
“I love you, too, sugar,” Daisy cooed, rubbing her hands up and down her daughter’s back. “You be safe and go save the world, you hear?”
Jessie grudgingly pulled back, swiping at her damp cheeks.
“Will do.” Turning on her heels, she sprinted inside the airport, swallowed up by the crowd before she had the chance to look over her shoulder at her mother’s somber expression.
“I’m doing the right thing,” she told herself as she checked in at the departures counter.
“I’m doing the right thing,” she said again as she slid into her seat an hour later, wedged between a traveling salesman and a young backpacker. Before she stored her carry-on, she took out the ring box and slid the ring on her finger, a talisman to keep her centered.
When she landed in Liberia, Jessie knew she had done the right thing, eagerly tossing her gear into her bunk and meeting the new team.
Everyone seemed nice, and there was even a cute boy with brown eyes who reminded her of another set of chocolate eyes.
For a while, she barely thought of Malcolm, but it was only for a little bit.
At the end of the day, she missed stargazing, silly jokes, and warm laughter that wrapped around her like butter on a biscuit.
She missed Malcolm.
*
Malcolm shoved his textbooks into his backpack and stomped out of his dorm toward his biology class.
For the last two weeks, he’d been a combination of angry, depressed, and anxious.
Considering he was usually a walking ball of sunshine, it was really starting to piss him off.
JJ wasn’t going to change her mind, ring or no ring.
Despite everything they’d been through, despite falling right back into each other’s arms, his girl—correction, ex—had hopped a plane as soon as he asked her to stay, as soon as he asked her to choose him.