22. Sawyer
SAWYER
D ear God. That’s all I want. My mouth fills with more saliva as I dig my nails deeper into him. He hisses as he rubs the sides of my head gently.
“No, baby,” he says. “Not like this. Not this time.”
God dammit.
He pulls out of my mouth and bends down, kissing me gently before reaching up and spinning me around.
“You,” he says, putting a hand down on either side of my head and wiping the last tear from my eye, “are very good at that.”
I smile and swipe my thumb over my lips.
He stares down at me as he grabs himself, pumping his hand up and down a few times. I take in every single inch of him—the patch of hair on his big broad chest, the veins snaking down his arms, his hair falling out of place, the way every muscle in his body ripples when he moves—and I don’t ever want to forget a single detail. I reach up, wrapping my hands around his thick forearms.
He reaches over to the nightstand and opens the drawer. He sees the box of condoms and grabs it, but as he pulls one out, he pauses, lifting his eyes to me.
“What?” I ask.
“I’m glad you have these,” he says, “but I also really fucking hate that you have these.”
I swallow.
I kind of love that he’s jealous over me.
“Tell me again,” I say as he puts one on then climbs onto the bed. He gently reaches for my legs, spreading them apart.
“Tell you what, honey?”
“Tell me what you said earlier. About what you want,” I say.
He bends down, kissing me gently but nibbling on my bottom lip before he comes up.
“I don’t want anyone else to have you,” he says, kissing my neck, his hand sliding down to my breast and circling it. “And I don’t want anyone else.” Then he pulls my legs, sliding me down toward him, and pushes himself into me. I cry out, my legs wrapping around him as I clutch onto his head and shoulders. “Are you okay, baby?”
I nod, evening out my breathing and taking him in. I’m feeling him in places I didn’t know were reachable by anyone other than my gynecologist.
“I’ll go slow,” he whispers, moving in and out of me as he holds himself over me. When I’ve adjusted to him more, he reaches down and hooks a hand under one of my legs, throwing it up over his shoulder. He scoots closer to me on his knees then brings the other one up, picking up the pace. The angle makes my eyes roll back into my head, and I claw at the sheets like I’m rabid.
“Julian!” I scream out, and he tightens his grip on me, moving faster and faster. He spreads my legs slightly, reaching down and putting the pads of his fingers on my clit and moving them over and over. Just as I’m feeling like I’m going to explode, he pulls out of me, taking my soul with him. He flips me around so that I’m on my stomach, pressing me down and pulling my ass up to him. He bends down and kisses my right ass cheek then pushes himself back into me from behind. As he starts going again, he reaches a hand around, pulling me up so that his chest is to my back. Then his hand moves back down to my clit as he circles it, pounding in and out of me. I lay my head back against his shoulder, wrapping an arm around him.
“Julian,” I puff. “Julian…”
He groans in my ear, his breathing erratic as he moves. And then, everything goes white. Stars fill my eyes as my whole body shakes against his. He wraps his arm around my middle, holding me steady to him as I sink all my weight back. Our bodies are slick with sweat, sticking to each other. He kisses my shoulder then my neck before slowly pulling out of me.
The aftershock rolls through me as he climbs off the bed and goes to the bathroom. He’s back a moment later, and my stomach starts to churn. What happens now?
I pull the covers up to my chest, lying on the bed as he pulls his boxers on. He looks at me as he walks toward the bed, and I brace myself for what’s next.
“Can I stay?” he asks. I can’t help but smile, as childlike as it might make me look.
“You pay the rent,” I say. “Of course you can stay.”
He smiles as he gets in the bed, pulling the covers up onto both of us. He snakes an arm underneath me and pulls me into him, spooning me and burying his face in the back of my neck.
I know I have him in this moment, but I don’t know for how long.
And the problem is, now that I’ve had him, I don’t want to let him go.
We lie still for a few moments with nothing but the moon lighting up the room.
“What is it, Sawyer?” he asks, and I feel myself get stiff. I clear my throat.
“What do you mean?” I ask. He sighs, flipping me over so I’m facing him on the pillow.
“Tell me what’s got your heart rate going like we never finished,” he says. Fuck. Am I that easy of a read, or does he just know me?
I bite my lip, and he reaches a hand up, caressing my cheek and tucking my hair behind my ear.
“What…what happens now?” I ask. His eyebrows knit together as his eyes narrow on me.
“What do you mean?”
I clear my throat.
“Do we just…I mean, are we…what does this…”
“I meant what I said, Sawyer. I don’t want anyone else to have you, and I don’t want anyone else. What about you?”
It’s almost laughable. Is he asking me if I want to be exclusive? With the gorgeous billionaire hero I haven’t gone a minute without thinking about since we met?
“I don’t want anyone else either,” I say. He smiles. “But…but you said you don’t do relationships. You don’t?—”
“I don’t,” he says. “I never have. But I’ve never had someone…anyone in my life who sees me like you do, Sawyer. And I can’t seem to let you go.”
I feel a lump in my throat.
“So…”
“But it’s complicated, Sawyer. I can’t have a normal relationship. So if we were to do this, you would have to decide how you want things to be.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that if we are together, the world will know. If we go to dinner anywhere but Tilly’s or Dino’s, the world will know. My family will know. People on the internet will know. And they will have things to say about it. In an hour’s time, they’ll know your name, where you’re from, where you go to school, your mother’s name. They’ll know how we met. They’ll dig into the shooting. Look, I’ve never told a soul about you—not even my brothers. And it’s not because I’m ashamed or because I’m being sneaky. Honey, I’d proudly show you off to the whole damn world. Happily get the grilling from my brothers about being a cradle robber. But if I do that, everything changes, Sawyer. And it can’t go back.” I swallow, pushing myself up to lean against the headboard. I tuck the covers around myself tighter, losing myself in thought. “I want you, Sawyer. I don’t even know what this looks like. I’ve never wanted this before. But I can’t hurt you. I won’t. So it has to be what you want.”
God, it would be nice to see this through. The way he makes me feel like the only girl on the planet, even when he has the whole planet at his fingertips. The way he feels like home. But I enjoy my time in the dark. Sometimes, it’s nice not being seen.
And my mom…it wouldn’t just affect me.
He pulls himself up, wrapping his arms around me and bringing my head to his chest. He kisses the top of my head, gently scratching my scalp.
“Sweetheart, you don’t have to decide any of this tonight. Or tomorrow. Or the next day.” He pulls away and looks down at me. “Besides, there are some things you need to know about my family before you tie yourself to me in any way publicly. So take your time. I’m in this until you say you want out…for as long as it takes.”
I smile up at him, and he leans down to kiss me. Of course I am absolutely dying to know what he’s talking about. But I also don’t want this moment to end. So for once, I keep my mouth shut.
“Want some French toast?” he asks me. I raise an eyebrow, and he laughs.
“What?” I giggle. “Is that your post-sex go-to?”
He shrugs.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I’ve never stayed after before.”
My eyes widen as he kisses me again then scoots off the bed and out the door.
I sigh as I listen to him humming in the kitchen, opening the silverware drawer then the fridge.
I’d give anything to stay here, just like this, in this apartment, never having to share him with the world again.