Chapter 32
Hudson
When the alphas invited me to dinner last night, I forced a smile and went through the motions. I felt…
The only way I can describe how I feel is hollow. Empty.
We’d eaten together, watched a movie with them snuggling me from every direction. I’d been on Alex’s lap sideways, my head resting on Des’s lap with my legs and feet on Mason’s.
I’d soaked up their pheromones, but kept my emotions and the bond on complete and total lockdown. It’s better if I shut this shit down now before I fall deeper.
Any deeper and I’ll end up in a hole I’ll never be able to escape.
And I’m the only one to blame. I’m the only one who is carrying around the fucking shovel.
Today is Monday. The alphas returned to work while I was asleep. They warned me last night about long days at the office and the courtroom. Suggested I plan some shopping trips – with a guard in tow, of course – as well as inviting Ella over for some visits.
I’m surprised Ella hasn’t come pounding on the door yet since it’s been a while since we’ve done more than text back and forth. I haven’t even bothered breaking the news that I conceived on our first try.
My body feels…wrong. I don’t know why or what will make it feel like it still belongs to me, but I feel so empty.
Which is weird being as there is literally a life growing inside of me.
Making my way to the bathroom to relieve my bladder and shower, I stop at the tall mirror and turn to the side, studying my body. There’s no change. Not yet. It’ll be a couple more months before there will be a noticeable bump, or at least that’s what I read online.
Not like I have any experience with pregnancy or pregnant people. I’m the youngest in my family, so I didn’t even get to witness my mom’s body change with each of her children.
I don’t know the little person in there, haven’t met them…but I love them. How could my family so easily turn their backs on me simply because I presented as an omega? I know it’s because I’m a male omega, but most of society celebrates that.
Well, they fetishize us, but still.
Even with all the alphas and betas who’ve begged for my time, who’ve paid to be with me through a heat, who’ve paid to literally fuck me, I never felt as though any of them cared for me past the bedroom.
Sure, I played it off, pretended I was living the life of my dreams.
Actually, I kind of was. All the pleasure with no commitment.
Ella is living the same exact way by choice, except she actually has a job, makes her own money, and is hyper independent.
With a heavy sigh, I use the toilet, shower, brush my teeth, and head downstairs. The scent of coffee wafts through the house and a small smile plays on my lips. I can hear Amy moving around in there.
I didn’t see her this weekend since she’s off unless she’s needed for parties or whatever. She’s kind of become my only friend other than Ella, especially since I see her more often.
“Morning,” she says without turning from the stove. “French toast okay for breakfast?”
“Only if you’re eating with me,” I tease, lowering onto a seat at the table.
It was weird at first, having someone cook for me then serve me as though I’m royalty. But I’ve gotten used to it over the past few weeks.
“Sorry, buddy. I’ve got a lot to do today. Laundry is backed up from the weekend.” She winks at me over her shoulder, and I blush.
The laundry is backed up because not only was she not doing it daily as she does through the week, but Alex and I made a bit of a mess on my bed.
The pack bed.
Their pack bed.
When she turns, my smile begins to fade. I’d only just started to embrace this new life, started to think of my life with this pack in future terms.
But that bed isn’t mine. It’s theirs. It’ll belong to the next omega they might hire to carry another child for them.
Or maybe a beta or omega they find in the future and fall in love with, one who gives them whatever it is I’m lacking.
Maybe they’d prefer a female in the mix. Or maybe they wanted someone a little softer, a little curvier than I am.
It’s not all about you, dumbass.
Yeah, well. It’s my heart that’s breaking. It’s my life that has been turned on its head and will be flipped right back over in ten months to a year.
As Amy plates my food and sets it and my sweetened mug of coffee in front of me, I smile at her, letting it drop the moment she turns the corner to get to work.
For such a huge house, the walls have begun to feel as though they’re closing on me the longer I sit here. Alone. Again.
And it sure as hell sounds as though I’ll be spending even more time alone the next week or longer.
Choking down enough food to keep from getting sick – got to stay healthy for the baby – I put my plate in the sink and head back upstairs. I’m not sitting here alone all day.
It takes a second to locate my phone under the pile of clothes on the floor and grimace when I realize this right here is part of why Amy will be so busy today.
Least I can do is toss the pile into the hamper.
After that’s done, I pull up Ella’s number and put it on speaker, sitting it on the dresser as I search for something to wear for the day, something other than the comfy lounge clothes I’ve pretty much lived in since my heat.
Sweats and t-shirts. Boxers and t-shirts. Shirtless more often than not. And quite often naked. That has been basically my uniform.
I miss my nice clothes, the designer labels, the quality fabrics.
“What’s up?” she says after a couple rings.
“You working today?” I ask.
“I’m at work now. Why? Something up?”
“I want to get out of the house.”
“Aw,” she says, her voice low. “Trouble in paradise already?”
I know it’s meant as a tease, but I can hear the bite in her tone. She hasn’t held her tongue from the moment I told her about this whole thing. I can’t imagine what she’ll have to say when I tell her I’m not only pregnant but carrying the marks of two of the alphas…
The marks they obviously regret.
The sooner I accept this is temporary, the sooner I accept I imagined that connection, the mutual attraction, the sooner I can start healing.
Although, I don’t know how easy that will be when I have a piece of one of them growing inside me.
I force a chuckle even though her words feel like a knife to the heart.
“Something like that. Any chance we can hang out later? I want to get out of the house for a while. The alphas are working on some big case and won’t be home until late every day this week.
And next.” And until further notice. I.e. , When the case is complete.
“Sure. What are you up for? Drinks? Dancing?”
“Not sure I’m up for clubbing on a Monday.” And I can’t drink. But I keep that to myself for now. Really don’t want to tell my best friend I’m knocked up over the phone. “I’m going to head to my apartment for a while. Meet me there when you get off?”
She’s quiet a few beats. Then I hear a squeak that sounds a lot like an office chair.
A door closes. Then she says, “Tell me. Are they assholes? You need some reinforcements? I can bring my brothers and pack up every one of your belongings and have you back at your apartment before the fuckers get home.”
A laugh huffs from me. “Nothing like that.” At least they’re not intentionally being assholes. “I’m just lonely. And I miss you.”
“Well, I’m not the one who locked myself in a mansion with big, strong, fertile alphas to knot me to within an inch of my life.”
Flashes of yesterday with Alex play through my mind but I push them away when it causes an ache in the middle of my chest.
“I know. Sorry. It’s been a crazy few weeks. Well? Meet me at my apartment?”
There’s another beat of silence. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
The backs of my eyes burn as I pull a pair of buttery soft jeans from a drawer then head to my closet for my favorite cashmere sweater. Just happens to be one Alex helped me pick out.
“Honestly? Not really. I’ll fill you in later. But don’t sit there stressing all day. Not like I’m physically in danger or anything.” I chuckle again, the sound forced. You know, since I literally had to force it considering the last thing I feel like doing right now is laughing.
“I’ll be there by six,” she says. “If you need me before then, call and I’ll leave work early. Or I’ll call my brothers.”
This time, the laugh is genuine. “You really got to stop weaponizing your family. I’ll see you later. Love you.”
“Love you more.” And with that, she ends the call.
Once I’m dressed, I pull on a pair of sneakers and grab my phone and the keys to my new car. Or I suppose it’s technically an SUV. I’m supposed to have a guard with me. Not that it’s a hard and fast rule, rather something the alphas requested.
I’ve taken care of myself this long without them. And no, I’m not one of those stupid ass characters you see in movies or read in books who runs into danger. I’m not at all worried about driving myself to the place where I’ve lived for the last five years.
There’s security there, a doorman who has to allow you into the building if you don’t have the code, and I’ve always had a dozen locks on my door as well as a security alarm. I’m strong for an omega, but I’m still an omega. I’m smaller than alphas and most betas and can be easily overpowered.
Again. I’m not stupid.
As I make my way to the garage, I slow my steps and sigh. I was on my own all those years, but I also wasn’t carrying a child then, either. Just because I’ve been safe up until now doesn’t mean there aren’t dangers out there.
And my scent will be more potent with the pregnancy. I really don’t want to garner any more attention than necessary.
Thing is, while they requested I have a guard with me, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go about this.
When we retrieved personal items from my apartment, it had been scheduled.
Can I simply walk up to one of the men on the property and ask for them to accompany me?
Do I need to text or call one of the alphas?
The sound of a vacuum whirs somewhere deeper in the house. It could be another member of the staff I’ve yet to meet instead of Amy, but surely, they’ll have some kind of answer for me.
I sigh when I spot the beta’s dark hair pulled into a ponytail. I wait until she turns and spots me, jolting hard before putting her hand to her chest and turning off the machine.
“What’s up? You need something?”
I shove my hands into my pockets. “I want to leave for a while, but the alphas asked that I bring a guard. Do you know how that’s supposed to work?”
Her shoulders rise and fall. “I’m not sure.” Her brows pucker and her nostrils flare. “Something’s…off.”
“Yeah. I’m pregnant.”
“I’m aware. But you smell stressed. Are you okay? Do you need something?”
Those stupid tears burn the backs of my eyes again, but I blink them away. I’m rarely emotional outside of my heat cycle. But I’ve also never felt as though I found my future only to have it fade away like smoke in the wind.
“I just need to get out of the house for a while.”
She pulls her phone from her pocket and taps on the screen a few times before returning her attention to me.
“You should probably just talk to them,” she says, her phone still in her hand as though waiting for a reply.
“What?”
“Tell them you’re in love with them. I’m not promising anything, but I’m pretty sure they feel the same way.”
I shake my head the same time her phone dings in her hand.
“They don’t feel the same way.” I heard enough to know they’re buying time until they can dissolve the bond. Well, Mason is. Not only is he pack lead, but I won’t come between the three who’ve been in love for over a decade.
Wait. How the hell did she know I’m upset over the alphas and not simply needing a break from the same freaking walls I’ve been staring at for a month?
My scent. She said I smell stressed. I mean, what else could I possibly be stressed about other than the whole being pregnant thing?
“Kane will meet you at the SUV. Let him know if you want him to drive or if you want to break in your new ride,” she says, grabbing the vacuum and tilting it back. She raises one brow as though waiting to see if I need anything else, before clicking it on at the shake of my head and a smile.
I feel kind of bad that Kane will get stuck hanging out at my place with nothing to do other than watch TV, but he’s being paid. At least he doesn’t have to tote me around all over town or escort me through crowds.