12. Chapter 12
12
The moment my secret was discovered wouldn’t leave me.
It flitted in the back of my mind on a jagged loop, stabbing each time. The crack in Hale’s sweet, concerned expression and the shatter of the teacup jangled through my eardrums. If I thought Hale taciturn before, it was nothing like the coldness he emanated now.
Seven days of him looking straight through me like I didn’t exist.
He accepted the meals I lay in front of him with a tight jaw and a nod. Initially, he hadn’t even offered those cold thanks, but Ruck and Oliver chastised him for it. The only reason I hadn’t fallen apart when my true scent revealed itself was because Ruck and Oliver lent me their strength. But that support was quickly rescinded, and I wished their stiff shoulders didn’t cut me so deeply.
I would persevere. Remind them of who I was, not the scheming omega they believed me to be. I was still Esta, I just had to find a way to get through to them. We would get back to the way we’d been before, where the banter felt like home with a family. I thought in time, I could break through Hale’s hard shell and earn his forgiveness. But my optimism dwindled alarmingly fast.
My scent made them all squirm, and it horrified me back into my shell.
I underestimated the depth of Hale’s hatred. All of it aimed toward me. My stomach clenched in memory of last night when I ate dinner with them. I’d never experienced such a loud silence. My ears rang with shame, the echo of my voice unanswered and ignored. Bram stared at us both with a wrinkled forehead. It was so jarring. The sudden change made my skin feel like it turned inside out. I dropped my fork, and the clatter was sharp and discordant. I noticed Ruck and Oliver covered their noses while they ate. To block my scent from reaching them. My dismay ran too deep for my brave face to cover.
There would be no forgiveness from Hale.
I harbored no false hope. He crushed it under his heavy boot. Hale’s nose turned up in a sharp wrinkle every time I came into his vicinity, and it sliced my insides to ribbons. My appetite dwindled in the face of his ire. Too twisted in knots. I struggled to swallow even the smallest mouthful.
My head wound healed well, though the nasty scab itched in my hair. I hadn’t been able to walk for a few days because of the deep cuts on my feet.
I couldn’t change my designation.
So, I did the next best thing and made myself small. I cleaned, cooked, and stayed out of the way. My ears quickly trained to hear heavy footfalls. I wasn’t too prideful to duck behind the kitchen island or hide in the dank pantry. That was what Hale wanted, and nobody dared argue with him.
My modest bedroom, which I luxuriated in, now felt as much a cell as the opulent one I’d fled from in Breton City. Perhaps that is why I pilfered Ruck’s socks, Oliver’s shirts, and anything Hale left in my orbit. I tucked the clothing into my bed and tossed the duvet over my head. Let myself drown in their scents. I wondered if it would be better to pack my things and get a train ticket to somewhere else. But without my tea, every passenger would know exactly what I was immediately.
An unbound omega woman traveling alone.
I shuddered. There were worse men out there than Daniel, and I wasn’t brave enough to risk it. The small glimmer of courage I’d used to get to Misery Creek had long since dried up. Now, I wondered what madness possessed me.
So, I endured the harsh looks like slaps.
Only Bram sought me out. He didn’t understand the sudden discord between everyone in the house. But his actions were the catalyst, and guilt drove him to haunt the kitchen, loitering outside the doorway. The tentative scuffle of his feet made my ribs ache. But I found myself unable to spare anything from the chasm in my chest.
Each day was one closer to returning to Breton City and to Daniel.
He wouldn’t let me get away a second time, and the scars on my shoulder would soon have a twin. My nightmares returned, visions of Daniel’s teeth tearing me apart like I was a doll. The iron tang of blood coated my throat as if I injured myself.
I didn’t know what to do.
The suffocating judgment made it difficult to breathe. But none of them laid a hand on me. It was miserable, the terrible things I justified to myself. The tendrils of Hale’s fury reached every corner. Tonight, I retreated even further.
The blanket of stars became my company for dinner.
There was a brisk bite to the wind, and I pulled my shawl up to buffer against the sting. Fall dwindled, taking with it my short, sweet freedom. Soon, snow would coat the ground with soft white. I would be in Breton City, where the snow churned into brown muck. I set aside the plate, unable to finish the small amount I served myself. I drifted down the porch, my skirts whispered over the chilled ground.
The stars were bright out in the wildlands. They glowed like a thousand lanterns. The sight of them stretched across the sky unfurled the heavy knot in my stomach.
Esta meant star.
I felt a kinship with the sparkling jewels pinned to the blackened silk sky. Their muted glow illuminated my face, and it felt like a caress. Under their watchful eyes, I wasn’t alone. My troubles became quibbles to their endless expanse. I was nothing when I was under the night sky. A blip, a piece of chaff in the mix. It comforted me.
The stars and I shared a name and nothing else. I imagined tumbling into the shadows like a wisp and hurtling toward the silver glow.
My respite was brief. The front door creaked open, and Ruck and Oliver slipped out. Their twin gazes lit on the uneaten food and drifted over to me in the yard. My skin tightened under their watchful gaze. I missed what we’d had before. I mourned Oliver and Ruck as much as I did Hale.
I suppose I was grateful that they didn’t make any promises of protection. But there was a secret pocket inside of me, one that bled like a wound. Hale wrenched it open with his disgust, his pure rage, but Ruck and Oliver’s silence stopped it from closing.
I foolishly thought we were something we weren’t: a family. But I was a liar. Nothing else made a difference to them. We had been friends; we had been…I didn’t know what we were. Something I couldn’t admit in the neat, tidy layers society ingrained in my brain. Yes, I’d deceived Hale. But I wasn’t the monster he thought I was. It hurt that they hadn’t spoken out for me.
The steps creaked as they bridged the distance between us.
“You should eat with us again,” Ruck grimaced as the words tumbled out. Did he hear the empty platitude like I did? I rubbed my chest, trying to erase the dull ache that sprang up. Oliver hovered behind Ruck, his green eyes roving over my body like the sight gave him sustenance.
“No, thank you, Ruck. I’m not hungry,” I replied, giving him an empty smile.
I hoarded the sound of his first name on my tongue, refusing to give it up like Hale ordered me to do with his. Ruck’s dark eyebrows clashed together, and he let out a gusty sigh.
“You’re an omega.”
The persistent wind whipped away the bitter change to my scent. To my unending ire, my deep-seated frustration, I was. I promised myself I wouldn’t throw myself at their mercy, but they looked at me with a mixture of curiosity and confusion.
“I always intended to reveal my true designation, but Hale’s hatred was so fierce. He would have sent me back, and I couldn’t risk it.” I swallowed a hot coal in my throat, the flesh seared with the heat of my fear. “Not when I’d gone to so much effort to escape.”
Alarm flickered over Oliver’s face, and he rocked back on his heels with a low grunt.
“What do you mean?” Ruck’s expression sharpened like an arrow, searching out the tender underbelly of my words. He crossed his arms, the arch of his eyebrow impatient. I tucked my bottom lip between my teeth, wondering why my truths were always met with such distrust.
“It doesn’t matter. Hale wants me gone from here. Are you going to stop him?”
A tension sprang up between Oliver and Ruck, the silent farmhand eyeballing Ruck with dark intensity. For a moment, I thought Ruck might say yes. His arms fell and his hands clenched into fists. He didn’t break my defiant stare.
“Esta, my brother has hated omegas nearly his whole life. I wish I could cure him of the delusion, but he’s been through so much, too much to forgive. I wish I could give you more, but it would be a lie. It doesn’t matter to me what designation you are. I c-care about you either way.”
It was Oliver who voiced a noise of disgust, echoing my internal thoughts.
I looked up at the sky. The sting behind my eyes faded as I took in the starlight.
I would prevail.
If I had to claw my way out of this situation, I would. When Daniel bartered for my hand, my father thought he was joking. Why would a human want an omega? He was a respectable gentleman, a man with a gilded name, if not the fortune to bedazzle it. But he’d heard stories of Mr. Miller’s elusive omega daughter, a porcelain face that haunted the windows of his main street house. There was a moment when I enjoyed his company. My scent didn’t send him into a conniption. But Daniel didn’t want me because of who I was as Esta.
He only wanted the omega. The myth. The docile, sweet wife. Hale hated the omega, too.
Only his myth wore the face of Claudia.
Nobody saw past my designation to who I really was. I struggled with it as well. How was I supposed to know who I was when everyone I met already decided? A thousand faceless omegas mapped the path I stumbled along now. The only person who really saw me was Birdie. She’d watched me come alive in shades, greedy for my life. Not the one dictated to me by my designation. Hale wanted to take that away because of something that had nothing to do with me.
Ruck and Oliver would let him.
“I see.” Bitterness bled into my tone.
“Esta.” My name, the sweet sound of it on Ruck’s silky tongue roughened by the sigh that followed. “What do you expect me to do?”
Another omega might have whined or begged. Let their eyes fill with useless tears. The urge to do just that buffeted me like the stiff wind. But it was futile. If I waited for someone to save me in Breton City, I would be under Daniel’s control. Fire surged through my veins, and the stars flared brightly. I made it all the way to the wildlands on my own after spending years too frightened to even leave the house. My lungs inflated, fortified by fresh, invigorating life. Sandwiched between the ethereal sky and the solid earth.
An omega, but so much more.
“I don’t expect you to do anything.” The admission dissolved the knot in my stomach.
Some part of me had been holding out for Hale to relent or for Ruck and Oliver to charge to my rescue. But I absolved them of the burden. I wanted to be free of the omega myth, to live my life without the shackles of expectations. The only person who could make that happen was me. I spun on my heel, letting the stars grow tails in my vision.
“Esta. This isn’t the time for games. If you tell us what you were escaping from, we can make sure you’re safe.” Ruck argued. A low growl rumbled out when I refused to tear my gaze from the sky. My neck ached from looking up.
I didn’t want to be safe.
I wanted to be alive.
This short time on Hartlock Ranch gave me a taste of it. The memories were layers of strength. Winning over wild Bram. The warm press of Hale’s lips. Begging Ruck for the life of a calf. Oliver making oil for my cracked hands.
These memories healed into hardened calluses. This new hurt would do the same. All I needed was time. Ruck reached out and gripped my upper arm. We both shuddered at the touch. A soft exhale escaped me.
“Hale is convinced you lied with malicious intent. I don’t believe that’s true. Talk to us, Oliver and I care about you. Guilt is tearing Bram up. He thinks it’s his fault that you and Hale are fighting.”
Ruck’s fingers squeezed as if he could massage out my reticence. The touch sent a shiver through my body, and for a moment, I longed to lean into his hold. How easy it would be. Ruck strained toward me like he was fighting the same urge in reverse. The desire to sweep me up in his arms, make it right. Oliver paced behind us, unable to stay still with my withheld secrets.
“All I’ve ever wanted was freedom to be me. Not just an omega to own or despise. But my designation is the first and only thing people see. Even now, you want to fix it, coddle me. Telling you what I was running from won’t change anything because all you see is an omega who needs your protection. If Hale wants to believe I’m evil, let him. I showed you all who I really was already.”
Ruck pulled me closer for a beat, the heat from his chest seared through my shawl. His jaw worked, and his teeth ground against each other. He opened his mouth once before slamming it shut.
“Let her go,” Oliver said from behind Ruck, and the tall alpha released me.
“It’s complicated, Esta, and I wish I had better answers for you, but I don’t.”
“I didn’t ask you for answers. I didn’t ask you for anything. Because I don’t need you. Not Hale, not anyone. No matter what happens, I will do it with my own two hands.”
Oliver made a soft noise, looking down at my rough palms as if he were remembering our conversation in the kitchen. I’d worked them to breaking point, and my hands were stronger, more capable. Now, I needed to do the same with my heart, my soul. It hurt now, cracked and torn from overuse. But it would strengthen. I wouldn’t stop until it did.
“You don’t have to do this on your own. That’s what I’m saying.” Ruck leaned close and pitched his voice low. I gave the house a sidelong glance. How long before Hale came out to investigate, and what would he say to find his brother talking to his enemy?
“Care to say that in front of Hale?” I hedged. Color burgeoned on Ruck’s cheeks, telling me our clandestine conversation would not be repeated in the sharp light of morning. “I’ll look after myself.”
Ruck stared at me. Dark pink dusted his cheeks. The bright embarrassment was heavy, like shame.
“Esta.” Oliver let out a frustrated growl.
They didn’t leave, as if more words hoarded their tongues, but they were too afraid to speak them. After a week of ignoring me, it was too little, too late. I let the silence seep into me. There was power in it, because now I knew for certain I could rely only on myself. I turned and walked back to the house, casting the bright stars one last look.
I would not let them beat me.
Daniel, Hale, Ruck and even stoic Oliver.
They didn’t have any power over me.