Chapter 69
GEORGIA
“Good morning, Momma,” I said, going to the coffee pot. It’d been tucked in the corner by the stove all my life.
I had on my satin sleep shorts and top. My hair was up in a sloppy bun. I’d brushed my teeth but needed coffee to do anything else. I wasn’t sleeping well. Imagine that.
She was switching purses on the counter, moving everything from the blue one from yesterday to the pink one that matched today’s outfit.
“Sassy has an extra pageant girl this morning. I told her you’d take her. You’ll meet at the mall because the dear thing needs help choosing the right support wear and I know you know just the right thing.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. I didn’t need this.
Not before caffeine. I grabbed a mug and filled it, then turned to face her.
She was fully dressed and ready for the day, meaning she had on a dress, shoes, jewelry, makeup and her hair was styled.
At eight. She was ready for anything, even a religious cult that might knock on the door.
“Momma, I am not taking Sassy’s extra pageant girl,” I said. “She shouldn’t have double booked.”
She looked up from her task.
“Of course, you will,” she countered, waving her hand as if my words meant nothing. “You have nothing else going on. It’s not like you have a–”
I held up my hand. I’d had enough. I was done.
I wasn’t fixin’ for a fight, but I’d been used and walked on enough.
I put the blame squarely on myself. For years…
decades, hell, my entire life I sat by and let others dictate what I wanted and what I did.
I smiled and made nice and didn’t ruffle feathers.
I took a sip of fortifying brew, then set it down. Crossed my arms over my chest like someone formidable and brave I knew.
“That’s right,” I began. “I don’t have a job. I had one and it went well, but it finished. I was offered a full-time position, but I declined.”
The ache was still there. The double loss of the MacKenzie family and the job with James Corp. I’d walked away from everything I ever wanted because it was just too painful.
Every night since I flew home–without a cute little boy sitting next to me to share my peanuts–I’d cried myself to sleep. I was surprised Momma hadn’t mentioned my blotchy face or swollen eyes. I needed cucumber slices and hemorrhoid cream to calm the bags under my eyes.
“Which was silly of you.” She pursed her lips. Today, the lipstick choice was a mauve. It was a good color for her.
“Momma, y’all can’t have it both ways. Y’all can’t say it’s silly for me to turn it down and then point out it was in such a backwater, dangerous place.”
She remained quiet because she knew I was correct. Then she went back to her purse shift and moved her cosmetics bag and compact. “You could get a job here.”
I nodded. “Yes, ma’am, and I have resumes out for positions that are best suited for me. That does not mean I’m to be used as an assistant to Sassy. My time is my own. My choices are my own.”
Her eyes widened. “Where is this bold streak coming from?”
I thought of Mac, of standing in front of him that first time in the little apartment, of me being nervous in showing him my body in just my bra and panties and he told me to rule his world. And it seemed I did. For a while.
“I’ve always been this way, Momma. I just found it easier to go along. To paste on that pageant smile and pretend everything was perfect. With you and Sassy. With Art. I thought he might love me more if I bent over backwards for him.”
“He–”
I shook my head and held up my hand once more.
“Your opinions on my marriage are just that. Your opinions. He cheated on me and regardless of the reasons for him doing so, he broke our wedding vows. I take those seriously and I know honor is important to you as well. If you continue to take Art’s side, then you’re hurting me and only shaming yourself. ”
“I don’t take Art’s side,” she countered, grabbing the small pack of tissues and stuffing it into the new purse. “You had a solid marriage and you let it go.”
“Of course, I let it go. And it wasn’t solid. Not for years. Do you truly want me to stay with a man who cheated? Who flaunted it in my face at home and at work?”
“Well, of course not.”
“Then enough. I’m fixin’ to put him in my past and so should you.”
“I only want you to be happy.”
“No, you want me to be happy with what you want me to be. I’m thirty-five years old, Momma. I’m never going to win a pageant. I’m never going to be skinny or Miss Georgia like Sassy.”
“Not everyone has her genes and talent.”
“You’re right. I have my own genes and there are people who like me exactly as I am. I have talent and skills that I shared with an entire town. No one cared I could sing or twirl a baton. I was wanted for being smart, not beautiful. The job was mine.”
“Then why did you turn it down?”
“Because I wanted more.” I wasn’t going to tell her about Mac and Andy.
About Drew and the mysterious Richard, the cat.
I was too raw to talk about them. I missed them all so much, but they weren’t mine.
And I deserved to have a man tell me to stay.
To be his. To get on my knees. “And from now on, that’s all I’m going to take. ”
She looked at me wide eyed, as if I’d been possessed by aliens while I slept.
“No more shaming me,” I warned. “No more comparing me to Sassy. No more. You accept me and love me as I am or I will walk right on outta here. Head high, pageant smile in place.”
She swallowed hard but clearly I’d made her speechless.
I’d said my fill. I told her what I should have years before. Now time would tell. And many reminders.
I looked at my coffee, thought it was good but much too hot for the weather.
It needed to be snowy and crisp for a hot drink and Georgia in April was neither.
“I think I want to go get an iced coffee. Would you like to join me? We could make it a girl’s day and get our nails done.
” I looked down at my hand. “I will admit, Montana air is hard on my cuticles.”
She looked surprised, then pleased. She nodded. “That sounds lovely. Before you walk anywhere though, including the coffee shop, you better put on your face.”