Chapter 34
Love is never simple.
Addy
I slam the sliding glass door behind me and sprint past my family, still sitting and eating birthday cake at the table like my life isn’t ending. Tears stream down my face, but I don’t allow myself to sob until I’m safely tucked away in my room.
I knew falling in love with Gage was a bad idea. I tried to stop myself. I tried to keep my heart safe.
But it’s impossible not to love him. He’s sweet, kind, generous – a real gentleman. Not to mention sexy. And my family loves him. My family isn’t the easiest to please but he slipped through their coverage like a running back who sees daylight and doesn’t look back.
I groan and drop onto my bed. Now I’m thinking in football metaphors.
“Addy,” Mom calls.
“Not now, Mom.”
She opens the door and steps inside. “Yes, now,” she insists as she shuts the door behind her .
I cover my face with a pillow. Everything with Gage is too raw. I don’t want to discuss it.
Mom sits on the bed and tugs the pillow away. “We need to talk.”
“I’ve had enough talking for one day.”
“Then, you can listen.”
I harrumph before rolling to my side and giving her my back. “I’m not in the mood, Mom.”
“Too bad. This conversation is long overdue.”
When she pauses, I pray she gives up and leaves. Too bad I’ve never been a lucky person.
“I screwed up.”
She has my attention now.
“I never should have relied on you the way I do.”
I sigh before turning to face her. “I don’t mind, Mom. I’m happy to help out with the kids. They’re my siblings. I love them.”
“You’ve been such a big help. I wouldn’t have made it through the past years without you.”
“Yes, you would.”
“No, Addy, I wouldn’t have.” She blows out a breath. “When your dad left, I lost it. I’m not proud of how I acted. Running around, drinking, and carousing with various men. Getting pregnant three different times by practical strangers. I left you to raise yourself and then your siblings.”
“Those times are over.”
She wrings her hands. “Only because Mila fell off the swing when she was two. ”
What a horrible day that was. I rushed Mila to the hospital after she lost consciousness but the doctor refused to give me any updates on her condition. I was her sister, not her mom.
But I couldn’t find Mom. I called and called and called. Finally, Weston – a cop I knew from school – arrived with Mom, who was drunk and slurring her words.
Mom got her shit together after that day. She stopped drinking and partying. She didn’t bring any strange men home anymore. She found a steady job.
I pat Mom’s thigh. “You’re a good mom.”
“Now.”
I don’t have a response. She’s right. She wasn’t a great mom to me when I was growing up. I did everything I could to cushion Otis and Penelope from the reality of our lives until Mom got her shit together.
Mom straightens her back. “It’s time for me to be a good mom to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You should leave.”
“Leave? I can’t leave. Mila turned nine today but she still needs adult supervision. And someone has to be around to stop Penelope from taking over the world. And drive Otis to his football games.”
She lifts her chin. “I’m their mom. I will do those things.”
“But how? You barely earn enough money to pay for this house as it is. If you cut down your hours to watch after the kids, there won’t be enough money.”
“I’ll figure it out. This isn’t your fight. It’s mine. ”
I scowl. It’s been my fight for most of my life.
“You need to contact your lawyer and negotiate the contract with Juliet Ash.”
“I will.”
“No more putting it off because you’re worried about the kids.”
“I didn’t put off contacting the lawyer.”
She shakes her head. “You’ve never been a good liar.”
“I am too a good liar.” I realize how strange what I said is and clamp my mouth shut.
She smiles. “Regardless, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Juliet Ash is huge.”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t even know who Juliet Ash is.”
“I do, too. I googled her.”
“You googled her?”
“Of course, I did. You were excited and I wanted to understand why.”
Tears well in my eyes. Mom usually doesn’t have much time to pay attention to my life. But she took the time.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t you dare thank me. I should have been interested in your life and welfare for years. Instead, I relied on you to help me with the children. I didn’t consider what a toll it was taking on your life. I didn’t realize you’d give up on love to help me.”
I grimace. “You eavesdropped on my conversation with Gage.”
“I won’t apologize. I’m glad I did. I’ve been blind to your life, but my eyes are open now. ”
“You weren’t blind.”
She squeezes my hand. “You love Gage?”
“With all my heart. I’ve never felt this way before.”
“I get it. I felt the same way about your father.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?”
She glances away. I don’t know why I bothered asking. This subject has never been open for discussion.
“Arlo never wanted to have children. His dad had schizophrenia while he was growing up and he knew the disease was hereditary. He was terrified he’d pass the disease on to a child.”
“My grandfather had schizophrenia?”
Mom nods. “He died by suicide when Arlo was ten.”
I gasp. I was expecting this story to be sad. I didn’t expect it to be gut wrenching.
“When Arlo and I fell in love, he made me promise not to get pregnant. Knowing his background, I readily agreed. I would have done anything for him. I loved him more than anything in the world.”
“But you did get pregnant.”
“It was an accident. We used all the precautions, but…” She trails off with a shrug. “Sometimes accidents happen.”
“What happened when you told my dad?”
“He freaked out. He begged me to terminate the pregnancy. I tried. I made an appointment and I even drove to the clinic. But sitting there in the parking lot, I discovered there was one thing I loved more than Arlo.” She glances up at me with tears in her eyes. “You. ”
“W-w-what happened?” I force the question out. I might not ever get the chance to learn the truth again.
“I went home. Fully expecting Arlo to leave. But he didn’t.” She sighs. “He was the perfect husband. He ran to the grocery store whenever I had a craving. He prepared a baby room. He was over the moon.”
“When you were born, he was there with me. The first time he held you, he cried. And I thought…” She blows out a breath. “I thought my life was heaven. Nothing could touch it.”
I wrap an arm around her. I hate how she’s hurting but I need to hear this. I deserve to know the truth about why I didn’t have a dad growing up. Why I still don’t have one.
“Things started to go bad when you were one. He’d come home from work convinced someone followed him. One night, he threw all the electrical appliances into the ocean. He thought the government was listening to us.”
“And then.” She gulps. “I came home one day and he was gone.”
“Gone?”
“He left a note. He’d been diagnosed with schizophrenia. He knew how horrible it was to grow up with a schizophrenic parent. He refused to hurt you that way.”
Tears spill from my eyes. My father left because of me. He left to protect me. “But there are medicines, treatments, he didn’t need to give up.”
“Arlo’s dad had treatment-resistant schizophrenia. He assumed his was treatment-resistant as well.”
“But he could have stayed. He could have—”
“No, Addy, he couldn’t.” She inhales a deep breath and sucks up all her tears. “And this is why you need to leave.”
“I’m sorry. I need to leave?”
“You need to follow your dreams. You can’t let love slip through your fingers because you’re helping me. I won’t let you. I loved Arlo with all my heart. We only had four years together, but I wouldn’t give up those four years for anything in the world.”
“But you went off the rails after he left.”
“And yet, I would go through the pain over and over again to have those years with your dad. I’m only sorry you suffered because of my grief.”
“I’m okay. I have a good life.”
“But you could have a great life full of love. That man loves you. I see it in his eyes. He would do anything for you. What will you do for him?”
I don’t answer. I have no answer. My mind is reeling from what she’s told me. The secrets I never knew.
She pats my thigh before standing. “Think about it. Love doesn’t come around very often.”
She opens the door and steps into the hallway, but stops and glances at me over her shoulder. “Either way, you’re no longer responsible for your siblings. It’s time I stepped up and became the mom I should have been for you.”