Chapter 26
Lucy
Gianna’s bedroom door slams. The slam makes the kitchen cabinet near her door rattle, the picture frame on the hallway wall tremble, and the air in the living room shift into a bitter taste.
I sit on the couch with my phone in my hand.
Through the wall, I can hear her in her bedroom.
The sound of her closet door opening. The slide of hangers along the rod.
A drawer being yanked out of the dresser harder than it needs to be, and then the same drawer being shoved back in.
Another drawer. Another. A duffel bag unzipping.
I freeze. The anxiety is not climbing up my throat the way it does when I’m about to be late or when I haven’t finished a problem set.
This anxiety is sitting low. It’s acidic in my stomach.
It’s the same feeling I have when Mom’s in a mood, the house is too quiet, and in any second, she’s going to barge out and snap at me.
It’s that anxiety of the unknown. Except, I’ve never experienced it with anyone but my mom. Right now, I’m terrified of Gianna.
I look down at my phone and scroll through the messages from Benson.
Benson: : She just came : She walked right past me and slammed her bedroom door shut.Benson: Shit.
Shit is right. My thumb hovers over the keyboard, but I think better of it.
I cannot believe what I just did with him.
Not only did I hook up with him last night, I let him into my apartment and seduced him again.
I told him not to use a condom, and I did all of this knowing Gianna could come home.
He washed me in the shower, and my room smells like him.
Somehow, underneath this dread, I know that I have never wanted anyone the way I want him.
I want him here now, and that wanting feels like a betrayal to Gianna.
I type.
Me: I think I have to talk to her. I’ll text you after.
I hit send. I look at the screen for one second, waiting for the three dots, but they don’t appear, so I put my phone down and stand.
I walk to her bedroom door and knock. “Gianna.”
The sound of her in the room stops. “I’m busy,” she calls out.
“Can we talk?” I say anyway because this is eating at my soul. The door slam isn’t a normal thing in our apartment.
I hear her right at the door as she says, “Lucy, I am not in a headspace to talk to you right now.”
“I just want—”
The door opens. She’s in the same Camden Wolves zip-up and leggings she had on when I saw her last. Her hair’s in a low bun. Her makeup is gone. Her eyes are red at the rims, and there is a small wet line on the side of her nose where a tear has dried. My stomach sinks. She’s crying.
“What,” she says, not sounding like she’s been crying at all. “What do you want?”
“I want — I want to talk.”
She crosses her arms and uses a degrading tone.
“Okay. Let’s talk.” She shrugs. Her mouth is tight, and the look in her eyes means war.
“Want to talk about how you snuck out of the apartment last night while I was asleep and went to the Hawthorne House?” She nods.
“Yeah, Sadie told me that she saw you there. You stayed in his bedroom all night. I got up to pee, I saw the text, and thought no, Lucy wouldn’t, so I checked your bedroom.
” Her eyes widen. “You weren’t there. I couldn’t sleep and heard you come home at three in the morning. Did I miss anything?”
My face is hot. My hands are at my sides, but they’re shaking like I did something terrible.
Did I do something terrible? It didn’t feel like it last night, but now it feels like I couldn’t have done anything worse.
I thought I knew what I was going to say, but I didn’t expect her to do all the talking with the tone and attitude.
Every muscle moves on her face like she’s disgusted with me.
“Gianna—”
She crosses her arms again. “Did I miss anything? Yes or no.”
I murmur, “Yes.”
“Yes?” She lifts an eyebrow at me.
I nod. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
She laughs, throwing her arms. “Okay. Cool. You didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“Gianna—”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Lucy. I don’t know what you came over here to hear. Do you want me to tell you it’s okay? It’s not okay. Do you want me to tell you I’ll get over it? I’m not going to ever get over it. Do you want me to tell you I forgive you? I don’t.”
“I just wanted to talk.”
“We’re talking.”
But we’re not, she’s running the entire conversation. She’s already decided not to hear me.
“Is this because of what happened with Madeline?” I know it could easily go south with bringing up her biggest fallout with Benson, but I have to address it. She has to know that I’m not Madeline. This isn’t going to end the same way.
She looks at me like how dare you. I have a feeling that whatever happened with Madeline is the catalyst. Her glare makes me want to shove my head in the ground now.
“Do you remember what I told you about Madeline?”
“Yeah.”
“I gave you the short version because I hate talking about it. Do you want the long version?”
My stomach rumbles, and my brain tells me that maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.
By bringing up her old feelings, there’s more of a chance she’s going to project it onto me.
But I already opened my mouth, so I say, “Yes.” And hope I don’t regret it.
After all, I did want to talk, and maybe this is a good start.
“I had two besties in tenth grade. Madeline and Becca, but Madeline and I were inseparable. She came over to my house every day after school. She slept over every weekend. Sometimes I’d go to her house, but we always ended up at mine.
Benson was a senior in high school, and he was the captain of the JV team.
He was — he was already the version of him you’ve met.
He’s a little more big-headed now, but he was the boy in high school that every girl drooled over.
All the guys wanted to be him, and we had some problems with the senior boys trying to date me.
I was Benson Reeve’s little sister, and everyone always flocked to him.
” I can tell by her tone that she didn’t like this.
“Madeline always made jokes and flirted with him. It was a normal thing. Becca would, too. My brother always had girls throwing themselves at him.” She inhales.
“One night, I woke up, and Madeline was gone.” Her eyebrows reach her hairline like last night was déjà vu for her.
“I thought she went home or something, but I noticed her things were still in my room. I searched the house, but she wasn’t anywhere. ”
I feel my face go pale.
“I caught them in his bedroom. She had accidentally fallen asleep and didn’t come back to my room.
” She shakes her head. “I opened his door, and there she was in his arms.” She stops.
Her eyes shine. “I was so mad, Lucy. I was so mad seeing them in that bed together. I was sick to my stomach because it didn’t look like it was the first time.
So, I closed the door without saying anything.
I went back to my room and waited. In the morning, she woke up and tried to sneak back into my room with her wet hair like she had taken a shower, but I was already awake.
I asked her where she had been. She lied.
She told me she had gone to the bathroom.
I called my brother in. He lied. And then I told them what I saw.
” She swallows. “Madeline snapped at me. I don’t even remember what started it because it was so stupid, but when I look back, she was probably pissed my brother rejected her.
She called me selfish. She made me feel like I was the problem, like it was my fault they had to sneak around.
She screamed at me while my brother stood there without saying a word.
She cried in his chest, and then she begged Benson to talk to me.
He had nothing to say, Lucy.” Her voice settles, and she doesn’t seem so upset anymore.
“He told her that our parents wouldn’t allow us to date, and that he’s told her a hundred times he doesn’t want a girlfriend.
And she freaked the fuck out on him. She hit him a few times, so I had to pull her away.
Then she hit me.” Gianna inhales. “I had never been in a fight before.”
I nod, putting the pieces together. Gianna is traumatized, and I see it now.
“She wouldn’t stop. Benson finally got her off and told her to go home.” She stares at the wall behind me. “She gave me a bloody nose and bruised my face. I love my brother, Lucy, but there’s a reason I kept him away. And there’s a reason why he respected it.”
I swallow, staring at her. That sounds horrible.
Her mouth forms a line. “My mom and dad were mad at him after what happened with Madeline. They took my side for once, and it felt good that I wasn’t the one who was wrong, but then I didn’t have friends again until Benson went to college.”
I sigh. “That sounds horrible, G. I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head, scoffing. “How could you do this to me?”
My gut sinks. Fuck. She’s right.
She throws her hands around. “I have pictures of my brother in here. I tell you stories about him. I made it clear from the beginning that my brother was off-limits, Lucy. And I just don’t understand. Help me understand.”
I shrug, not knowing where to start. It would all sound pathetic to her ears. He was kind, he makes me feel seen, he doesn’t judge me, and he’s never tried to change me. He’s smart, and he’s hot. “I don’t know.”
“You are exactly like her, Lucy,” Gianna mutters, almost to herself.
The bedroom behind her tilts a half-inch to the right.
“What?”
“You let me think you were my best friend, and the moment you met my brother, you chose him. The moment he gave you attention, you gobbled it up, Lucy.”
I stare at her and question myself. Did I do that?
“You did,” she says to me.
“I’m not going anywhere, G. I’m still your best friend. I would never fight you because of him.”