Chapter 23 Cash #2
“Nuh-uh! I want my Gwumpy because he’s got a grou-wy voice so he can be the cat. Rawr.” She giggled when she made the sound as she continued skipping my way.
She stopped in front of me, tipping her head all the way back to look up at me.
Strands of hair stuck to her pink, chubby cheeks as she held the book between two hands. A black cat with four big white shoes on its paws was on the front.
“You know how to wead, my Mr. Gwumpy Giant?”
Nerves tumbled in my stomach.
“Yeah, I know how to read.”
“Then you can do it. Pwease?” She swayed back and forth.
I scuffed a hand down my face. What the hell had I gotten myself into?
“Why don’t we let Mr. Cash rest?” Daisy urged as she came deeper into the main room. “He’s had a really long day outside trying to get the porch ready for you to play on, remember?”
“No, I want my Mr. Gwumpy Giant!” Eva stamped her foot and pouted out her bottom lip.
Fuck me, this kid wielded some kind of magical power because I was muttering, “I don’t mind.”
No chance could I disappoint the little thing when she was looking at me that way.
Her face lit like I’d crowned her princess, which I might as well have with the way she had full command over me.
She snatched my hand with her tiny one and started to tow me toward the sitting area. “Come wight over here.”
She pushed me down into the recliner, then she…scrambled onto my lap.
Was pretty sure the blood must have drained from my face because Daisy was suddenly right there with concern written all over her gorgeous face. “Eva, sweetheart, I don’t think this is a good i—”
“It’s fine,” I grunted.
“See, Mommy, it’s fine. He wants to, don’t you?”
Eva shifted around, her knees grinding into my thighs as she grabbed me by both sides of the face.
My chest swelled. So close to overflowing.
“Of course,” I forced out.
“Told you,” she told her mother before she plopped back around and shoved the book in my direction.
“Wead it!”
Blowing out a sigh, I opened to the first page.
Eva ducked under my arm and snuggled into my chest. Could feel her grin as she rested her head on me.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Sweat gathered on my temples. Fuckin’ dripping down my spine.
Somehow, I managed to open my mouth and start reading.
In an instant, I could feel the way Eva got mesmerized. Totally enraptured by the story. No question, her little imagination carrying her away.
While I tried to pretend that this was normal. Something I did every day, and I wasn’t straying so far out of bounds that I would be permanently benched.
Disqualified.
I inflected a voice like the main character was a lion rather than a house cat, and Eva giggled and laughed and pointed at the illustrations.
Enthralled as she kept snuggling closer and closer into me.
And fuck, maybe it was me who was getting enthralled.
Completely hypnotized as she let go of a tiny sigh as I turned the last page, her cheek pressed to my pounding heart.
“I wike that story, My Giant.”
“Yeah, me, too.” The words were scratchy.
She yawned, and I ran my fingers through her hair.
Found myself doing it again and again.
Had the strange urge to weep when I peeked down and her eyes were closed and her breaths had evened out. Felt like I was shattering apart when I looked up and found Daisy standing across the room watching us through the lapping light.
Her brow knitted and that hope churning in the blue depths of her gaze.
No words were said between us as I carefully gathered up her daughter and stood. No words said as I carried the child into her room.
Colin and Addy were already fast asleep.
I laid Eva down in the toddler bed I ordered the first night after they got here. It was set up in between the other two twins. I pulled the covers up to her chin, then I ran my fingers through her hair once more.
What the fuck was I doing?
Allowing myself to get sucked down into the abyss?
Lost in the darkest water that made me feel like I was floating, all while being sure because of it, I would take my last breath.
Slowly, I pushed to my feet. There was no stopping myself from moving between the other two beds, making sure Addy and Colin were nestled and safe.
Their precious faces lax, no pain to be found, and I prayed there were sweet dreams in their heads.
I brushed my fingertips down both of their cheeks.
I was terrified the pressure in my chest was cracking me wide open. Making room for all the things I had no right to feel.
It was there anyway. An aching throb that promised this was going to end in disaster.
When I was sure they were properly tucked in, I moved from the lapping darkness of their room and out into the hall.
Daisy was there.
Her aura all around. So much love radiating from her that I could hardly stand.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Nervously, she ran her hands up her bare arms.
While I’d been in my office, she’d showered and changed, and she was now wearing a white tank and gray leggings.
Her feet bare and her cinnamon-kissed hair raining around her.
“I don’t mind.” It should horrify me that it wasn’t a lie.
Energy moved through the space, and she shifted anxiously on her feet. “They’re happy here.”
“Because they’re safe here.” I proclaimed it like a statement.
“It’s the only thing I want them to be.”
I shifted a fraction, moving an inch closer to her. Shadows danced along the defined angles of her cheeks. “Need you to know that you’re safe here, too. Won’t let anyone get to you.”
Emotion rippled across her face. “I didn’t think that I would ever feel that way again. Safe. But I do.”
A buzz of something I didn’t recognize burned in my chest.
Playing a fool’s game, I lifted a hand and let the knuckle of my index finger drag down the defined curve of her jaw. “Want you to be happy here, too.”
What the fuck was I saying? But I did. I wanted to erase the fear and uncertainty that shone in that fathomless gaze.
Wanted to see it shine with that hope.
To reignite her faith and her joy.
Wanted to hear her laugh the way she used to when she sneaked into my room. Share my nights with her, laughing and eating Red Vines.
A complete fool who kept forgetting it all ended in tragedy.
Wistfulness skimmed over her lips, and her words were just as soft. “I want you to be happy, too, Cash.”
She didn’t know that was something I was never going to be.
“As long as you’re all safe, then I’ll be just fine.” My attention flitted over her silhouette hugged in the shadows. Taking her in like she was an apparition. A ghost that had haunted every single one of my days. “Still can’t believe you’re here,” I grunted low.
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “I missed you so much.”
I missed her, too, but I didn’t have the right to say it. And still, I was pressing closer, breathing her goodness in like she might be able to soothe some of the ache that throbbed inside.
I’d been so satisfied in the loneliness.
Pacified in the solitude.
A quiet punishment that I would languish in forever.
I reached out and caressed my thumb gently over the tattoo on her wrist. Wishing I didn’t know full well what it meant. A tremble rolled through her at my touch.
“You were never supposed to miss me.” It was grit.
Disbelief filled her features. “Did you think I wouldn’t? Did you think you’d walk away, and I would forget you?”
Shame clutched me in a fist. “No. You were supposed to hate me.”
Pain slashed through her expression, and she reached up and ran her fingertips down my jaw.
Fuck, I needed to push her away.
But it felt so good.
The barest brush against the seclusion I’d sentenced myself to.
“I could never hate you.”
She would if she knew.
Didn’t seem to make a difference because I was drawn.
Compelled.
Pushing deeper into her orbit.
Her back thudded against the hallway wall as I towered over her. Too close but unable to move away.
“Need to give you somethin’.” The words creaked out of me.
A confession.
Regret and grief and the barest flicker of surety.
Eager anticipation rippled through her as she peered up at me.
Her tongue stroked anxiously over her lips. “Okay.”
That ball of razors in my throat rolled, slashing and cutting on its way down to the pit of my stomach as I dug into my front pocket and pulled out the small velvet bag.
Could feel the crash of confusion twist through Daisy before she expelled a soft gasp when I dumped the ring into the palm of my hand.
For a moment, we both just stared at it, and I swore I could feel the circle searing into my flesh.
A scourge and a blessing.
“It was my mother’s. The last thing I have left of her.” The words broke on my tongue.
“Oh, Cash.” Awe wisped from between her lips.
“It’s really tiny,” I choked, overcome by emotion at the sight of it. “I remember the way my father tried to convince her to get an upgrade on their twentieth anniversary.”
The small engagement ring wasn’t even close to being flashy. Just a simple gold band with a small round diamond.
“She refused. Said the only thing that mattered was what it represented. The promise he made when he asked her to marry him. Figured it could represent the promise I made to you.”
Tears blurred Daisy’s eyes. “Cash…are….are you sure?”
“Can’t imagine anyone else wearing it.”
“I’d be honored,” she whispered.
It was a wonder I could pick it up with the way I was quivering, and I took Daisy’s dainty hand and slid my mother’s ring onto her finger.
The diamond glinted in the bare light. A strike of something profound.
Lightning that pierced me somewhere deep.
“It fits,” I muttered as I stared down at it on her finger. Guess somewhere deep down, I knew that it would.
Daisy sniffled. “It’s beautiful.”
“She loved you, too, you know.” My voice cracked with every word.
Daisy let go of a soggy laugh as she peeked up at me. “That was when she wasn’t chasing me out of your room.”
Couldn’t help but return one, mine hoarse and raw. “She never believed we were only friends.”
Intensity billowed between us as Daisy tipped that face fully up in my direction. “Is that what we were, Cash? Just friends?”
“My Little Wallflower,” I groaned as I dropped my forehead to hers.
Our breaths turned shallow.
“I lo—”
“Don’t say it.” I cut her off as my entire body winced with what she was about to say.
She couldn’t.
Not when I wasn’t worthy of it.
“I…when we—”
“Don’t. Please. It only makes it harder.” I inhaled one more breath of hers, this woman oxygen and light, before I finally pried myself away. Doing my best to resurrect the barriers I shouldn’t have toppled.
“Have to go out tonight,” I grated.
Surprise jerked Daisy back, pain lancing into the wrinkle that dented her brow.
I was the fool who reached out and tried to soothe it away, the pad of my thumb running the little line. “Have some business I have to attend to.”
“The same business you have every Saturday night?” I could feel her hedging. Searching for a way in.
I realized this was the third Saturday she was here, my routine becoming clear.
I gave a tight nod. “Told you there are things you don’t know about me.”
“Are you…” Concern twisted through her features. “Does it put you in danger?”
“Don’t worry about me, Daisy. Only thing that matters is you’re here. That you’re safe. You know no one can get into this house, but I’ll have another guard posted outside just to be sure.”
“I’ll hold it, Cash. I’ll hold who you are if you’ll let me.”
“I can’t give you that part of me.”
Couldn’t give her any of me.
I needed to remember it.
Disappointment flashed, but she forced a bright smile, though she was looking at me the way she used to.
With a plea.
A plea I should have recognized earlier.
“Please be careful,” she whispered.
In that moment, all I could think of was the number of times I’d hurt her. When I left her behind because I thought it was the right thing to do. The only thing I could do.
“Won’t let anything happen to me. Not when I need to be here to end this for you.”
Ending that threat was the only thing that mattered.
Absolutely not the way it felt seeing her with my mother’s ring on her finger, a fool to think that maybe it had belonged there all along.