Chapter 20 Evan
EVAN
“Okay.” I reached for Perry’s hand.
His smile, as he took it, melted me down to my core.
Strangely, we didn’t have sex in the shower, or before it. Or after it. We touched a lot. We both got semis, but without having to say it out loud, we didn’t do anything other than wash each other, dry each other off, and put on some sleep pants and T-shirts.
“We’re okay,” Perry said, as he was rubbing a towel over his curls again. He said it like it was a bit of information he was passing on, which was better than him asking like he didn’t know.
I went over to him and took the towel away, tossing it towards the bathroom door with the rest. Wrapping both my arms around his waist, I stood so he was between my legs, and looked into his gorgeous face. “We’re okay,” I promised.
“This has been so much… more than I expected.”
“For me too.”
“You’ve been doing fine with it.”
“Honestly, it’s the most work I’ve ever done in my life.
Not just the curling all day every day, and the workouts and training and everything else.
But all of it. It takes so much more energy and intention.
Feels like there are always cameras on us, so we have to be conscious of how we’re acting, and I’ve never thought so much about curling in my life. ”
“Do you regret—”
“God, no. I used to think I got the jitters from being out in the world, but maybe it was just because I went out there, got my vibes all up, and then had no way to come down again.” I grinned. “Until I met you, that is.”
“And now?”
“I use up all that generated energy just doing what we’re doing. I guess making the best coffee in the universe just wasn’t enough to keep me engaged.”
“Shocking.”
I smiled at him. “I’ve been trying to work out how to help you. And don’t get me wrong. Sex every day is still very much on the table. But how we’ve been going about it isn’t working for you.”
He frowned at me, and I petted his face. “Say whatever you’re thinking, Perry. I need to hear what’s in your head.”
“I thought it was so frantic because you were so amped up. Now you say you’re more grounded than ever, without my input, so what’s going on?”
“Not without your input. First, I’m here because you’re here. I mean, I never would have learned to curl without you, so I’m here because we’re here together.”
“Yeah, no. I get that.”
“And second, just seeing you out there doing your thing when we’re curling, or practicing, or whatever, has that calming effect on me that I can channel my energy where it needs to go instead of it burning under my skin all the time.”
“Burning under your skin? That does not sound fun.”
“It wasn’t. Isn’t. It happens less than it did.”
“But not out there.”
I shook my head.
“In here?”
“You’ve been wondering why our sex is so… much lately.”
He looked so stricken I almost took it back. But if I was going to get him to open up, I had to be honest first. “I never wanted more than you when more wasn’t a real option. And I’ve come across guys I would have gone for lots of times after we hooked up. But you never wanted any of them.”
“Until Alan.”
I shrugged. “So the idea is in my brain now. Tonight, just making food was… Well, I don’t know exactly, but it felt like something. Didn’t it?”
He nodded.
“So, I gotta say, it never occurred to me that you might want to be on the receiving end. I was trying so hard to make sure you were satisfied that it undid all the good, solid work I was doing for myself because I never thought about it from your point of view.”
“You wouldn’t think of it because it isn’t in your nature any more than it would be in a golden retriever’s nature to be a cat.” He tucked the annoying lock of my hair that always fell forward behind my ear. “It didn’t occur to me, either, if I’m honest.”
“Because we don’t work that way.”
“But Alan does.”
“And that’s what you want from him?”
“Not just that. But partly, yeah.”
“I do like that he does for you what you do for me. He settles you. I ramp you up.”
“That’s not a bad thing, Ev.”
“No, I know. Not when you need it. I feel like if I wasn’t around, half the time you’d flatline.” I grinned and his entire face softened. His eyes shone and the flush of his cheeks from the shower deepened.
“I’m not that bad.”
“You gotta admit, though, I’m the battery. You’re the recharger.”
“What does that make Alan?”
I paused, then shrugged. “No idea. My metaphor broke. But whatever it is, it’s something that’s gonna make us all work better together.”
“I think so too. You ready to go back out there?”
“I am. And I call dibs on the middle couch cushion.”
“Baby, I get the feeling that’s gonna be your designated spot, in middle.”
“I fucking hope so.” I grabbed his hand and hauled him out to the main room where How to Train Your Dragon was paused at the opening credits on the huge flat screen.
As all five of us grown men settled in to watch the animated movie, I decided I was going to be just fine nestled between Perry and Alan, my head in Perry’s lap, my legs draped over Alan’s, one of his big hands warm on my thigh.
He had the other tucked up into Perry’s hair, curls twined around his fingers.
It felt like ownership, and that was weirdly reassuring.