Chapter 11 #3
“You don’t want to know,” she insists while looking down at the table, running her finger over where I carved her name in the wood.
My hand curls into a fist on the table, my nails digging into my palm to keep myself grounded. I don’t want to snap, I don’t want to get angry, but I know myself enough to know that when I get frustrated like this, frustrated at myself, I have a tendency to lose it.
I take a deep breath and try again.
“Melody,” I say gently to show how sincere I am. “I really want to know what happened after we left. I… I know you don’t want to relive it, but I think that telling me, even if it’s retaliatory in some way, might help me understand.”
“Retaliatory?” she asks without looking up.
“Yeah, I mean, you’re mad that we left, and obviously I deserve it. We all deserve it. So please, even if it hurts, tell me. Let me share some of the pain with you.” I reach across the table, holding my hand out again for her to choose whether to take it or not.
“I don’t want to hurt you. Even though you hurt me.
” Melody tentatively takes my hand and glances at me through her eyelashes.
She looks tired–beautiful, but tired. Her beautiful brown eyes have dark circles under them.
There’s a wariness there, but I can tell by how she bites her lip that she wants to confide in me.
What a heavy burden to hold for so long.
And it’s our fault.
Melody takes a deep breath, pulling her hand back to run both hands over her face before twisting her fingers to fidget nervously. Finally, she sits on one hand and leans her chin on the other.
“Well,” she begins with a sigh, “you know that I didn’t see you guys that night.
But after those words, she dragged me outside where I was pushed into a locker and called a slut before she walked off.
I called you guys, but you had all gone.
I went home and cried because you guys were so fucking important to me, and there was…
some truth to what she had said. I realized I couldn’t kid myself anymore.
Everyone else could see how I felt, so why should I try to fight it? ”
My eyes widen because what the fuck does that mean? My breath catches as my heart beats faster. She’s saying what I think she’s saying, right? Fuck, I hope so.
“I told myself I’d give it the night, then go and potentially ruin friendships in the morning.
Imagine my surprise when I waited in our spot the next morning, just waiting for you guys to come to school so I could bare my soul.
And you guys didn’t show up.” Her eyes shoot daggers at me.
The anger that I knew she’s feeling aimed completely at me, and I’m willing to take it all. I deserve it.
“You guys didn’t show up that morning. So, I called every one of your phones.
And each one of you had canceled that number or blocked me.
At school, everyone noticed your absence and took that as a free day to make my life hell.
People kicked my chairs out from under me, threw trash at me, stole my notes and books.
Someone even broke into my locker and painted it with ‘whore’ written in permanent marker, over and over. ”
My clenched fist tightens so much, I can feel the strain from my knuckles. I welcome it.
If I could go back…
My eyes screw closed with the pain and overwhelming regret that floods my body. I don’t stop her; I don’t ask her to pause to get myself together. I deserve this. I deserve this. I need to know what happened so I can make up for it.
Melody doesn’t stop, and when I open my eyes to make sure she’s okay, she’s frozen. Numb. She’s looking through me, not at me. Her face is completely blank and totally emotionless.
I don’t like it.
My heart cracks even further.
“I ran to Reis' house after cutting last period,” she continues. ‘Ran right to the treehouse, hoping that you guys were there. Begging to the universe that you were all hanging out and hadn’t just left. I climbed up the ladder only to find the treehouse empty. I tried my luck and went to the front door, knocking frantically, crying and begging to see you guys. But Reis’ mom answered and told me not to come back.
That I’d gone too far this time, and she never wanted to see me near their home again.
She actually…” Melody stops, looking down and taking a breath before she continues.
I swallow hard, the nausea churning in my stomach at what we caused.
“She slapped me and screamed that it was my fault he left.” The way she says this with one tear slipping down her cheek wrecks me completely.
I never wanted this to happen. I didn’t think she cared, but really, she cared so much .
“I sat in our spot outside of school the next morning, and the next. And the next. I waited in our spot for weeks, hoping that each day would be the day I’d see your faces, and you’d have some kind stupid excuse.
Say it was just a joke and you were sorry.
But a week turned into two. A month turned into ten.
A year turned into six.” She clears her throat and pushes her plate away, like suddenly the thought of eating disgusts her. I understand.
“Then I got some free tickets to a concert from my business partner. Front row to a rock group I’d mentioned in passing, because I liked a few of their songs.
I get pushed and moshed against the guardrail, and right before I pass out, I see Reisyn fucking Mathers.
The same guy who abandoned me, up close and personal.
From a distance, I could’ve fooled myself into thinking the oddly familiar-looking guys rocking out weren’t the same guys who destroyed me.
But the universe isn’t that kind to me.”
I swallow, my mouth feeling exceptionally dry and my eyes stinging from tears I won’t let fall.
“So if you’re asking if school got better, the answer is no, it didn’t.
Except then people weren’t making fun of me for being a slut who was in love with four guys.
They were cruel because I must have been so goddamn disgusting and so freaking desperate that not one of those four guys wanted me.
That they had to fucking leave the city and cut ties with everyone because they just had to get away from me,” Melody growls angrily and stands up.
“Guess that was true. All because you two were idiots, didn’t know what was going on, and didn’t even have the common decency to have a fucking conversation with me. ”
Melody turns and strides out of the bodega. I watch her bend and swerve to not touch anyone as she leaves, and I jump up immediately.
Helen appears out of thin air, holding up one finger and nodding. “Go get her, dumb-ass. If even half of what she said was true, you boys have a lot, a lot, of groveling to do. You don’t have many chances left to fix things.”
I reach into my wallet and grab a stack of bills, thrusting it into her hand. I don’t know what I gave her, and I don’t care. I follow her advice and run after Melody.
I won’t fuck this up. Not again.
Not when I still love her, and now know that she loved me, too.