Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
CESAR
Tree shopping can make even a cynical bastard like me feel good. It must be the sight of endless trees. I didn’t spend a ton of time in nature, but it called to me, a sense of rightness about it. Wandering through the rows of Christmas trees in the giant lot, I didn’t mind the Christmas tunes here. I could pretend it was the North Pole for a moment, not near a strip mall, and that this really was a forest. What I most loved about Christmas was the sameness. I could look forward to the holiday party at the Coburns, the food, especially the cookies. The tree that I got for Mami and me. I never wanted it to change. The feeling of familiarity each December.
But wasn’t I forcing change this year? Sucking in deep lungfuls of pine, I sighed. Maybe I should stop the whole Secret Santa plan. Be happy with what I had, which was plenty. Good job, a wonderful parent… the best of the best for a friend.
I touched a branch with gentle fingers. A little thin, so I walked on.
But I missed touch. Not only sex, but hand holding, kissing. Although, it had been a long time since I’d sucked cock. And even longer since Joey—and a good dildo up my ass wasn’t the same. I flushed, embarrassed to be thinking about sex in the middle of a Christmas tree lot.
More and more, I had sex on the brain. After such a late start in this area, what my body was beginning to crave overruled what my heart had always secretly desired. Kieran. Was I supposed to long for him forever? Deny that I needed touch, companionship in the bedroom and out of it? The thing with Elias—if it worked—was only a first step toward freeing myself. That was the hope, anyhow.
After Elias came out to his family, and Kieran was so on board with his brother’s identity, I came out to him a few months later knowing it would be safe after seeing how he’d reacted to Elias… Kieran had been so supportive. Hugging me and congratulating me, to the point of embarrassment. I hadn’t done anything, I reminded him.
And I wasn’t always super nice to Kieran’s many girlfriends. Luckily, he never got serious with any of them. He seemed to enjoy just dating around, but I hated it. That made me a shitty friend, didn’t it? I wanted to stop that. To accept and let go. Kieran had been kind to Joey. I wasn’t joking that I needed a Christmas miracle with Elias… but for different reasons than Kieran believed.
I halted in front of the perfect tree. It was tall, but not skinny. The needles a deep green. That was the one. Sometimes, you just knew.
When I lugged the tree into the house, still favoring my ankle, Mami gave me a concerned nod.
“Should you be doing that?”
“It’s fine, I’m being careful. And the swelling is down so back to normal.”
I hoisted the tree to the stand.
“You have the knack for picking good trees.”
“Thanks.” I smiled.
“Your father did too.”
My smile faded. Why did she always bring him up?
Mami was beautiful, her hair thick silver tresses down her back, her clothes and makeup so tasteful. Working in the department store, she always took advantage of the sales. Being a single mother, she turned to me to help with her budget. At a young age, I was an expert at squirreling away our dollars carefully. After my father left us, she told me she thought about selling the house because of our mortgage, but instead she worked hard to make it work while I helped with the math.
It had been years since Papi left us, but we both still carried the pain. She’d really loved him, beyond all his mistakes. His other women. He’d abandoned us. She’d fallen for him as a teenager, married young, and stayed in love with him, despite never having a chance at being loved in return.
Like mother, like son.
But unlike my father, Kieran was a good man. At least I could savor that. I hadn’t inherited Mami’s crappy taste for narcissistic assholes. I wanted to forgive like Mami had, I really did. But forgiveness was like climbing a steep mountain with no summit in sight.
“Look at this tree. You spoil me.”
“I like spoiling you. And look here. I also bought a box of new ornaments. The glass ones you love.”
She gasped. “Oh, perfect. Thank you.”
“Welcome.” I hugged her to me. “I know how much you miss Christmastime in Peru.”
“So beautiful there.”
“One day,” I promised her as I always did.
Mami gave a small nod. She used to be the one vowing to take me on a trip, but follow-through wasn’t her strong suit. She worked hard, but had always been vague with details. Mami liked beautiful things, like ornaments and makeup, but hardly ever knew how much money she had in the bank at any given time. After my dad left, I took over some of that.
“What’s wrong?” I frowned. The promise of Peru usually made her happy.
“Nothing, sweetie. Just I have my scans coming up.”
I swallowed the lump stuck in my throat. “When?”
“A few days after Christmas. I’ll text you the details.”
“I’ll be there.”
“No need, sweetheart. It will be fine, it’s just precautionary. I’m sure the scans are clean. I’m sorry I brought it up to you. And that I mentioned your father… and that I never let you keep that stray cat you had wanted.”
“Oh, Mami, stop.” I hugged her. “The cancer isn’t your fault. Papi leaving us wasn’t your fault. The cat, on the other hand…” I teased.
I’d found an alley cat near our house one year, and wanted to adopt it so badly. I begged her for weeks, secretly visiting the cat, feeding and naming him. Mami said no repeatedly, then, just as I’d worn her resistance down with my pleading, the cat vanished. I’d been devastated. Mami offered to get me another cat, but I refused out of my hurt stubbornness.
“Maybe now is the time to get a cat, finally,” Mami suggested, squeezing me back.
“Kieran said something similar. That I should get a pet. And plants, of course.”
“Such a nice boy.” Mami face lit up. “He’s good for you.”
“I agree. He’s a great friend.”
As a boy, I’d envied Kieran’s large family. I had wanted to be a part of that and still did. The Coburn household was so much fun. A perk of becoming Kieran’s best friend was being around such family chaos. Mrs. Coburn serving sloppy joes or noodle casserole on paper plates and let us watch HBO shows, while Mr. Coburn tinkered in the garage. Sometimes, he demonstrated his tools or explained how to fix our bicycles. I always felt eager to be around him as my father was long gone.
My world with Mami was quiet, not cluttered. Mami was always so elegant in her blouse, white slacks, and heels. She worked in a department store at the makeup counter and was tired of people by the end of her shift. In our house, there were no loud voices, no family antics. Our nights usually ended with reading and bedtime showers. And there was always a tinge of unspoken sadness. No wonder I went to Kieran’s more than he came to us.
Still, I loved Mami and had hesitated to leave. She’d practically had to kick me out last year, because I would have stayed with her in our house. You can’t live here forever , she gently told me. Although I still kept track of her bills and healthcare deductible, I had finally moved out. I still worried about her cancer returning. I hated that Mami had once smoked, even though she did quit, I’d grown up finding ashes dumped at the bottom of empty cans of Diet Coke. She needed me to remind her to eat well and put herself first, not last. But she insisted. She was stubborn, in her way. So, reluctantly, I moved. Around the corner, five minutes by car.
Kieran was similar, only moving a few blocks over from where he was raised, going home for his Sunday family dinners. But unlike me, Kieran liked being alone after a lifetime of sibling squabbling. He treasured his cramped studio, much more than I liked my vast one.
I knew being an adult included moving out at some point, of course, but I missed seeing another person late at night or in the mornings. If Kieran hadn’t moved out first, and seemed happy to live alone, I would have asked him to live with me.
Maybe that was for the best. Waking to Kieran’s sweet face might kill me. I’d want to kiss him good morning, cuddle him at night. Hiding behind our friendship, I’d use any excuse to touch him. I’d tell myself to be strong, but I’d be shameless.
“Oh, do you remember Mrs. Pratt from church?” Mami asked as she hung an ornament. “She has three girls, a few years younger than you. But the oldest went to youth camp with you? Jessica?”
“I think so? She’s a redhead?”
“Yes. But apparently she wants to buzz off her hair and have it like a crew cut. Mrs. Pratt told me about it last Sunday.” Mami pursed her lips. “She told Jessica if she did it, then they’d take away her driver’s license.”
“What? That’s insane.”
“She’s worried a crew cut means Jessica is a lesbian. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t listen to me.”
I shook my head. “Poor Jessica. And honestly? That doesn’t mean shit. Maybe she’s queer, maybe not. But why does her mother have to be cruel like that?”
“Don’t be mad.”
“I just don’t get it. Isn’t this a time for family and love?”
I guess, it did make me mad. Injustice made me mad. People hurting others made me mad. I wished people could just accept each other. Especially family. Despite Mami’s strict faith, she has never wavered in her support of me. Even Kieran’s dad and mom struggled a little when Elias came out. Not Mami.
“Mrs. Pratt will come around,” Mami said now. “She loves her girls.”
“Hope so.”
I carefully looped the string around a pine branch. Mami added one of the new blown glass balls, and soon we had a whole part of the Christmas tree finished. I liked how we had the old and the new. The snowflake ornament was the first I’d ever bought Mami. The red bows she tied were new. I hung a long tapered ornament, recalling how Kieran and I’d broken one of these in middle school and tried to hide it. Mami found it buried in the trash, but she hadn’t been mad. She was calm when bad things occurred.
Kieran, on the other hand, had been a sobbing mess of guilt. His boundless energy had caused him to topple into the tree, knocking the ornament to the ground. This was years before his ADHD diagnosis, when he was so hard on himself about being easily excited or scattered. I told Mami it had been me, sending him home once I’d hugged him.
Kieran and Mami. Those were the people in my life who came first. Before myself, even. I would fight every last person on Earth to protect them both. All Kieran wanted was my friendship, so I could put my longing aside and be the best friend ever. All Mami wanted was a beautiful tree and for me to forgive the past. I could give her the tree. I’d have to work on the rest.