Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
KIERAN
The Fry family was happy with my work on their sink. But when I went over and helped the Masons, having time left to fit it in, Ronald was pissed, not proud.
“You just do whatever you want?” he exclaimed. “Is that it? Must be nice. Not all of us are just handed shit,” he added in a mutter.
He’s jealous as fuck. That’s what Cesar told me whenever I expressed how Ronald disliked me. He had been good with me as a kid. But ever since I came on full-time… different story.
I didn’t know if Cesar was right, or Ronald just thought I did a shit job. I wanted to defend myself. But my dad had handed me this chance. So what could I say?
Fiftyish, with a shiny bald head and hardened expression, Ronald glared at me. We were in my dad’s office—Ronald’s office now—and I perched on the squeaky office chair while he stood over me. His breath stank of the burrito he was eating.
“The clients were both happy.”
Ronald put his lunch down on top of a bunch of scattered papers. “But the Masons put off paying us. Said we’d get it by the New Year or some bullshit. And more importantly, I told you not to go over.”
Flinching, I nodded. Maybe it was a mistake to go and help after being told not to. But I should defend myself. Explain calmly, but not apologize. That was what Cesar would tell me. He was the only person I’d told about my trouble with Ronald. Cesar had always been the person I could fall back on. He’d listen to me about Ronald, and not bullshit me if I was giving him too many chances, which I tended to do. Suddenly, I wished he were near me, with his strong opinions, his comforting warmth.
I opened my mouth, ready to speak up, when my dad, not Cesar, walked in.
“Hello!” Dad beamed. He was dressed for the freezing cold, despite it being a mild winter so far. Dad wore a hat with earflaps and one of my sister’s badly knitted scarves. He also wore a heavy coat that made him look padded in the middle, and boots. Elias did not get his fashion style from our dad.
“Thought I’d pop in today, maybe take you fellas out for a late lunch?”
He glanced at Ronald’s half-eaten burrito. Dad always kept his desk immaculate. He always said his two greatest accomplishments were building a family and building a business. When I’d disappointed them and failed out of college, Dad gave me the job under the condition I had to work hard and not expect to begin at the top. I agreed, happy to be part of the business, but I hadn’t known he’d retire a few months later, remaining part owner but giving the day-to-day control to Ronald.
“Davidson, that’s nice, but we got a lot of work.”
“Oh, what’s an hour off. We can come and go quickly.”
“You remember how it goes before Christmas?” Ronald patted Dad’s back.
“Yes, and I don’t miss that crazy time.” Dad’s easy grin made me smile in return.
I was close to my father, lucky to have him. But he had worked long hours when I was younger, leaving most of the child rearing to my mom, while he scraped together enough to pay the bills and build a business. He was so happy being retired. I couldn’t let him down. Or worse, have him think I’d screwed up.
“How about you, Kieran. Okay if I take him out for a bite, Ronald?”
Ronald smiled thinly. “Of course. It’s up to Kieran what he does for lunch.”
I hesitated. “I can’t today. Sorry…” I did feel awful. Unlike my siblings, I never really went through a rebellious stage with my folks. I liked pleasing them and seeing them happy.
“No, it’s fine. I should have texted before coming over.”
I tilted my head back and gazed at my father. He was taller than me, but his age was showing. I vowed to make time for lunch with him over the holidays, just the two of us. Meanwhile, I wanted to prove to Dad he hadn’t made a mistake hiring me. This job was my chance to show him I could handle things as an adult, and a way to redeem myself for disappointing him with college. Not that he’d said those words, but I’d felt them. My folks loved me, and I was lucky to have a big family full of fun and affection, but I sometimes felt… lost in the shuffle. Indulged, but not seen or heard.
Ronald certainly thought I was indulged. Spoiled , was the unsaid word that I got from him. Complaining about him to Dad would only convince them their silent ideas about me were true.
He turned to Ronald. “You will make it to the Christmas Eve party this year?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
Great. My boss for Christmas. I’d need every ounce of the holiday spirit to get through that party. Between Ronald being there, and Cesar putting his Secret Santa gift on display for Elias, it would be a party I’d love to skip. Oh, well. At least Ronald wasn’t part of the Secret Santa business, which we kept to close friends and family only. Couldn’t imagine having to get a present for fucking Ronald.
I twisted my fingers in my lap a moment as they talked piping. Elias and Cesar—would it work? And shouldn’t I be glad that Cesar, my best friend on Earth, might date my brother? We always joked he was like a better sibling.
“I agree with you, Ronald. As always, you have a solid plan.” My dad jolted me out of my thoughts. “No sense changing what ain’t broke.”
“Thanks, man.” Ronald gave a toothy grin.
Dad loved me. But I was his screw up son with too many new ideas that he saw as risky. He trusted Ronald.
Once I’d hugged Dad and he left, Ronald and I looked at each other.
He sighed. “Just… get back to work.”
Ronald respected my dad. It was the one thing we had in common. But Cesar wasn’t wrong, telling me I had to get Ronald’s respect as well.
Having a best friend was so good. One who had known you for years, maybe better than you know yourself. I would confront Ronald or talk to my dad, soon…
Hours, later, I headed to my car to drive home. The day had been long and I was restless. I thought about swiping open a dating app. But I didn’t. I thought about texting Cesar to meet. But I didn’t. I was filled with weird anxiety. I wasn’t sure if it was still because of Ronald or something else.
I should swipe open the app and go out. Have a fun date with some girl. My girlfriends told me I was “cute” or “sweet” at first, but they got impatient when I wasn’t invested in seeing them. And it was true… I let days go by where I wouldn’t see them. I just… didn’t think about them deeply. When we got together, I enjoyed the company, it was fun. But I suppose I was just not serious-minded enough. That’s what they claimed, anyhow. My girlfriends often said while I was a “nice guy,” but I never seemed to need them enough. Or let them in.
Arriving at my place, I fumbled with my key. My stomach dipped, as I considered my past love life. Was I really so closed-off?
I let my family in. We were a close Irish-Italian bunch. And I let Cesar in, he was family too. But most of my other friends and girlfriends were surface relationships. I had plenty of those, always popular enough, I guess. But it wasn’t real. If something bad happened, most of those friends wouldn’t come.
Cesar would. I could be a world away and he’d be there. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait for Sunday and Christmas Eve.
An image of Cesar from last night flashed through my mind. His face so close to mine. Our hands laced together. Him in my bed, his body strong and warm, solid and muscled and— Jesus Christ . My breath caught in my throat and I held it there, afraid to exhale. I froze my entire body in that moment, even as my mind raced.
I wanted him. None of this made sense. We’d fallen asleep together before. I had done it at his place routinely and never… I blame the books. They were fun and spicy. Curiosity got to me.
It was purely a physical response to stimuli. Reading about guys’ asses all week, how they love having their “holes licked,” how a simple finger stroking inside can send them “into ecstasy”—it was fucking hot. That’s all. And Cesar… He had a beautiful body. He could model these gay romance books in a minute. I was horny, and maybe a little more open than I’d realized to other parts of my sexuality. This wasn’t about Cesar. It was just a case of my cock liking the ideas that were now in my brain. And then Cesar wound up in my bed last night…
Nothing more. Cesar could never know. He was about to date my brother . He wanted Elias. Besides, I wasn’t—had never been—into guys. I was confused, embarrassed… attracted.
Gathering up all the books Cybil had gifted me, I shoved them into a plastic bag and tossed the entire pile into the back of my closet. I sank down to the floor. The irony of shoving them “into the closet” wasn’t lost on me. I was an ally. A believer in Pride and rainbow flags. For my brother. For Cesar.
Not for…. me. Because I was straight. Wasn’t I ? This was just some weird momentary thing.
Elias was coming home and Cesar was waiting for his chance. And Cesar had struggled since his father walked out on him and his mother. Then she got cancer when we were nineteen. He gave up college as the fights became lucrative, but I think he missed the classroom, unlike me. Joey convinced him to fight back then for the money, another reason I disliked Joey. Cesar liked to fight as a stress relief, I often thought, but did he want that forever? I’d guess no. I felt for him. As a friend, I mean. It had been a long time since Cesar got something he wanted. Just for himself. And he wants Elias.
Something churned deep and dark inside of me. An ugly feeling that I wasn’t used to. I ignored it, got up, and closed my closet door. I looked to my plants, green and growing. One had a small bud of a flower, which would normally delight me. But even flowers couldn’t fix this feeling. Cesar wanted a Christmas miracle with my brother. I wouldn’t take it away from him.