Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
KIERAN
Elias was hugging my dad when I went over for a turn. He looked so good. It shouldn’t be a surprise since he models for a living, but I almost forget how striking he is. What was “cute” on me, was somehow gorgeous on my brother. We had similar features, but it was like comparing a regal lion to an average housecat. Or a golden retriever if Cybil was to be believed about my energy.
“Kieran!” A giant smile lit my brother’s face, matching my own.
God, I’d missed Elias. I really needed to get into Brooklyn more often. Of course, if he dated Cesar, I’d see them here and there… together. I swallowed a bitter taste in my mouth as Elias and Cesar slapped each other’s backs roughly.
When they finished, I locked eyes with Cesar, trying to see how he was reacting to Elias finally being here. His careful plan finally beginning. Cesar was smiling, but it was an off smile. Not the one I normally saw. He must be nervous , that’s all.
Maybe Cesar wasn’t classically beautiful like my brother, but he would appeal to lots of guys who liked dark looks and strong muscles. A secret, loving heart that was so special, so loyal, so giving… Alarm bells were sounding throughout my brain. I needed a date of my own. I was—confused or something. With girls, it had all been so easy I barely felt anything. They asked me out, I would say yes. When it ended, I’d stay friendly and move on. But what I was feeling watching Cesar—my heart froze as he moved to speak with Elias, and we hadn’t even gotten to the Secret Santa reveal.
“It was good texting with you last week.” Elias patted his arm as he spoke.
“So you guys… have been talking?” I asked. Watching Elias touch Cesar’s shoulder my skin prickled, and my stomach dropped.
“We have been a little bit,” Elias said, and Cesar smiled. His real smile. The one flashing his beautiful white teeth, his eyes crinkling.
Something hot and bitter jolted through me. I don’t know if I can handle this. It never occurred to me how difficult it would be to see them actually side-by-side. I thought, somehow, it would help me just get over my recent feelings.
I wanted to grab Cesar. Take him away with me. Tear up the letter that’s with those books, waiting for Elias to open. I clenched a fist, my fingernails digging into my skin until it hurt. Elias still had his fucking hand on Cesar. And Cesar’s smile had warmed. Spread into a full grin.
A wild jealousy filled me. My whole body wanted to throw myself between them. To scream, shout, cry: he’s mine! I was sick with guilt and yearning. The opposite was true. I burnt with envy. Ugliness churned in my gut.
Just then, the front door swung open. “All done with my phone call,” a man said to Elias. He spoke with a sophisticated British accent, and looked a little royal, dressed in a suit. Nobody else was in a suit at our family party.
“Good. About time,” Elias said, his eyes sparkling. He took the man’s hand. “Everybody, meet my boyfriend, Hugo.”
As my mom and dad gathered near the beaming couple, I stood in shock, staring only at Cesar. He looked equally stunned.
“I hope you don’t mind Elias inviting me.” Hugo smiled at my mother, showing perfect white teeth. “It was last minute, but he said I could attend.”
“Of course!” Mom giggled. She loved a good accent. I could tell that single fact had won her over to the charming Hugo.
I glared at him. Then at Elias. He was supposed to be single. Open Cesar’s books, see the card about the bus, fall in love with Cesar, and never fuck anybody else for the rest of his stupid life. The end!
And wait a minute—Hugo? I knew that name.
“Excuse me. Elias, c’mere a minute. I have to talk with you.”
“Kieran—” Cesar interrupted. “It’s fine .”
“It’s not fine, but don’t worry.”
We communicated for a moment with our eyes.
Don’t tell him , Cesar’s dark gaze pleaded.
I won’t , I said back with my gaze. Trust me.
Cesar relented and I half dragged Elias away from where Hugo was still engaged with our mother.
“So, what is it?” Elias asked, once we were in the privacy of our old bedroom. “I should get back to Hugo.”
“Just need some facts. Hugo is that spoiled photographer who you were bitching about? The one making you stay long hours and work extra? The one you hated?”
“Yes… but I kind of love him now.” Elias blushed.
“Love him?” I squealed. “You can’t hate somebody and then love them in less than a week!”
“Agreed.” Elias shook his head, bemused. “In theory, I totally agree. But one minute we were working late and bickering, as usual, and he was really getting under my skin… and the next minute—” Elias’s face went dreamy. “We were kissing and—Oh, God!—it was like no kiss I’d had before. I felt every part of me come alive or wake up—I don’t know. And we kept on bickering and then grabbing each other to kiss some more… Until the bickering became really talking. We stayed up all night talking until dawn. It turns out Hugo was really sad because he wasn’t going to get to spend Christmas with his family. So he wanted to work through the holidays. And that sucks, I told him, nobody should be alone, even if you go to a neighbor’s house or a friend’s. And he kissed me again, but differently, gently…” He shrugged. “Sometimes you can be on one path, thinking your life will go in this direction. Or you think you know somebody. But everything changes in a moment.” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that.”
“What the fuck?” I growled. “Just like that?”
“It was magical. One minute I loathed the guy, the next, my heart had fallen dizzyingly into love.”
“It’s probably just lust.”
“No, it’s different. I’ve enough experience to know. Yeah, there’s lust involved, but it’s much more. I can’t explain.” He met my eyes. “Why are you angry, anyhow? I thought you’d be happy for me.” Hurt clouded his face. “I’ve never been in love. It’s a little scary, you know? I was hoping by bringing Hugo here, I’d gain the family’s approval and all.” He took a breath. “You’d like him if you give him a chance.”
My brother’s hurt face made me ashamed.
“Shit, I am. I’m sorry.” I bit at my lower lip. None of this was about Elias and Hugo. I went and hugged him. “I promise to talk with him tonight.”
“Okay.”
A bang on our door interrupted us. “Elias! Come save Hugo from Grandma’s fruitcake! Ya gotta come to the kitchen, dude. Like now!”
We laughed at Samson, opening the door. Elias went to save Hugo—Grandma did make a fruitcake that tasted like a leather boot—and I went to find Cesar. But as I passed our living room, where the Secret Santa would soon be held, I pivoted. It took me only a few moments to change things. Cesar’s dignity would be rescued with a quick reshuffle. I exchanged Cesar’s gift for Elias with mine, a simple swap of nametags.
Afterward, I poured myself a drink, a strong version of the Naughty and Nice cocktail, and I gulped it down. I hadn’t eaten a thing yet. Not the turkey, or green beans, or some of the pies. Only a cookie, which was sitting heavy in my stomach. But my stomach felt knotted. Was Cesar devastated? It wasn’t as if he loved Elias. He’d wanted a date, some experience maybe. But still, his joy must have dissolved the moment Hugo entered the house. His plan to woo my brother, lost.
“Jesus,” I whispered. “Now would be a good time for a miracle.”
I poured a second drink before heading for the kitchen. Cesar was against the fridge, his arms folded, watching Elias feeding Hugo small bites of cookie, the fruitcake by the sink. From the living room, I could hear my dad banging some off-tune Christmas carol on our piano.
I went to him. “Don’t worry.”
He scowled. “I’m not.”
I nudged him with my elbow. “Stop sulking. Things will be okay.”
“Is Elias about to dump him?” he said dryly as Hugo went in for a kiss.
“No, but he won’t ever get your gift. Your secret, at least, remains safe with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cheers, boys!” My mom passed us, handing out eggnog.
“Oi, that’s good stuff,” said Hugo.
I accepted mine, despite the weird mix with my other cocktail. I drank it down, thinking what a shame it was that Elias wouldn’t see the amazing bus full of books. Or meet the charming Cybil and Jane.
I licked some eggnog from my lips. Cesar was watching me, so I smiled at him. And why have I never noticed how his smile makes his eyebrows lift slightly. Or how amazingly dark his eyes are? Like molten chocolate? The kind of cake I loved best, that melted dark chocolate.
Holy shit , my thoughts were just like those corny romance novels! Only I couldn’t stop them. Not when his eyes were staring at me right this moment. I swear, the air became electric between us— and oh my God —there I go again!
Gulping hard, I turned to my brother. I should chase off Hugo, back to England, and explain to Elias that he could never do better than Cesar. He was the best. Loyal and strong, and easy to love. And one day you’re just friends, but the next there was this light that sparked inside of you, this fucking joy. And it was Cesar, he was the cause. Not the romance books or the con planned or the holiday cheer. Just him. He was the joy. Being Cesar’s boyfriend would be magnificent.
I tore my gaze back to Cesar. And he was still staring right at me. A shiver ran through my body. Cesar was standing close to me, looking at me—like nobody has ever looked at me before.
But… I was drunk. Maybe all this was just in my head? Maybe my eyes were glazed by alcohol, seeing what I wanted to see and not reality? My resolve with Cesar crumbled with his friendly smile. He gave me a questioning look just as Elias came over to us.
“Hey, Cesar. How are you? I’m hoping to catch your New Year’s fight. Think you’ll win?”
“Of course.” Cesar snorted.
“Great! Hugo is a fan, so we’ll hopefully get tickets.”
“I can give you guys tickets. I’ll text you them tonight.”
“Really. Oh, that’s awesome. You’re the best.”
Cesar flushed as my gorgeous brother hugged him.
“Time for Secret Santa,” I hollered at them. “Right now!”
“Jesus, Kieran, we’re standing right here. Don’t shout.”
“Go get Hugo,” I ordered my brother. I nudged Cesar in the side. “You. Follow me.”
He trailed behind me, but I could feel his hulking body. And I knew despite my reassurance, he was worried Elias would get the books and the letter about the bus. I wanted to reassure him like I had the night he’d come over about his mom’s health. But I couldn’t. For once, I just couldn’t. Instead I drank more as I watched the family go through the Secret Santa gifts and reveals.
Finally, it was Elias’s turn. I studied Cesar as Elias found the gift with his name. It was a much smaller box than the one full of books.
Cesar’s eyebrows shot up. Then a quiet look of relief passed over his face. He smiled at me with gratitude. His small, gentle smile.
I managed one in return. But inside, my heart hammered. I was going to be “surprised” by the stack of books any minute. I was going to get to open that letter inviting me to a day on the bus. I was going to take that date with Cesar.
Dad handed me another eggnog, and I drank it down.
Elias opened his tiny box. “Pop Tart socks…” He dug through some more. “Coffee cup socks. Waffle socks? Am I sensing a theme?” He giggled.
“Not your usual style, mate.” Hugo laughed, but sweetly, taking Elia’s hand.
“No, but I love them. Thanks, Secret Santa. Whoever you are.” He dug out the final pair. “Although I don’t get how these last pair with all the pizza on them fits the breakfast theme.”
“Pizza for breakfast rules,” Samson said.
Mom snapped some pictures. “I’ll send these to Reid and Rebecca. Everybody, smile!” she ordered, snapping some more. I swung my arm around Cesar, smiling brightly.
“I love this holiday,” I said.
“You’re slurring a little,” Cesar answered. “How much eggnog did you drink?”
“Two cups.” I huffed, not mentioning my other cocktails.
“Well, it is a holiday, and you deserve to have fun. Thank you,” he added quietly and tightened his arm around me.
He knew the socks must have been from me to him. Just like he knew I’d switched the names to protect him from embarrassment with Elias.
“Maybe this one is mine!” Samson dove to the largest bag. “No, Cesar.”
We separated, as Cesar took it from Samson’s grip.
“A stack of books?” Samson groaned. “Boring! I had a lucky escape.”
“Yeah, you might have had to read,” Elias teased him.
Cesar opened his own gift, faking surprise. He wasn’t a good actor, so it was to our benefit that Samson seized another Secret Santa gift, this one for my sister, and the game went on.
I got a pack of planting seeds and a box of herb-inspired soaps, which anybody in my family would have known to give me. But looking at Samson’s smirking face, I think he might be behind the gift.
“Scents like wood-sage and pine, not weird Christmas funk,” he commented, adding to my suspicions.
“Thanks, Santa. I’ll think of you whenever I scrub my pits.”
“Kieran, really.” Mom wrinkled her nose.
Samson only laughed. “Gross, bruh.”
My mom got the final gift. Coffee and chocolates. My guess is they were from Dad, because the chocolates were expensive Belgium truffles, which she loved.
“There goes my diet,” Mom said.
“You don’t need one.” Dad kissed her cheek. “And if I’m your Santa next year, I’ll give you some more.”
“Right.” Mom rolled her eyes. “But I guess we can be fat and happy together. At least until my New Year’s resolution.”
“Dad told who he had!” Samson gleefully shouted. “Who had me? I wanna know?”
“Whoever had you should have given lumps of coal,” I teased Samson.
Guests started arriving, so we put the presents aside. Cesar spent some time with his mother, who would be getting her scan results soon, and I hung in the corner, sloppily drinking my eggnog.
I had Cesar’s date for the bus, but would he expect us to go tomorrow? Would I be good enough to go with instead of Elias? Speaking of my brother, he was all over Hugo, as if starved for his touch. Practically sitting on his lap. Elias, who was normally cool and calm. Never one for public displays with his guys. Hugo cradled him closer, and they exchanged sweet, sheepish smiles.
I gawped at them for a moment longer. Something in me wanted that—more than I have ever wanted it before. And not wanting it with some girl in my unseen future.
I turned to Cesar, staring at him as he took a photo with my mom, his mother, and Samson. I imagined being held in his strong arms, feeling his muscles rippling as he hugged me close. I stared at his big comfortable looking lap. There was suddenly nothing more I wanted than to go on that date with him.
I turned for some more liquid courage.