Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
CESAR
Kieran was wasted.
I hadn’t noticed at first, but it was clear he couldn’t drive as he stumbled down the driveway. So I took his keys, glad he surrendered them easily, and told Mami I’d drive her to Mass and then take Kieran home.
“Too much eggnog,” Mami said. Kieran was in the back of my car, snoring. He could have stayed and slept at his parents’ place, but with Elias there, the old bedroom was occupied. Besides, Kieran was an emotional drunk. He’d flung an arm around me and begged to be dropped at his own place.
“I’ll come back for you once the service is over.”
“No, that’s okay. The girls can take me home.”
I frowned. The girls were all over seventy and maybe shouldn’t be driving.
“Elsie’s daughter is driving, not her,” Mami said, reading my thoughts.
“Is that absolute?”
“Yes.” She pressed a soft kiss on my cheek. “Take this one home and don’t worry.”
But I did worry. I always worry. Unless I was fighting, my brain was constantly reactive. Kieran might be the one unable to sit and focus, but I shouldered more negative emotions than he did. How amazing would it be to let loose? To forget any ugly doubts, cutting them like the string of a kite?
Kieran let out a loud snore from the back seat and he startled, waking himself. “Oh, man.” He giggled. “I’m drunk.”
A smile curved my mouth. “Yep. Too much of the nog?”
“And some other shit. I had a few drinks besides that.” He sat up at little, rubbing his eyes.
“Where are we?”
“My mami’s church. Next I can drop you at home.”
“I don’t wanna be there.” He pouted.
“Where do you want to go? Back to your folks’?”
“Fuck no, I don’t want to sleep on our old sofa bed, which hurts my back. Or in Samson’s room. It has that odd preteen smell, you know?”
“Then where?”
Kieran leaned toward the front seat. “Er—How about your place? I love being there.”
As he got closer, I could smell something punch-like on his breath. I glanced in the mirror to see his expression. His eyes looked a bit hooded, but his words were clear. It was hard to gauge how lucid he was, but I could let him sleep over.
“Okay.”
“Yay.” Kieran gave a little fist pump in the air, making me laugh.
When we got to my place, he went to the bathroom, and I made up my couch for him.
“This is newer than your folks’ old sofa.” I smiled as he joined me. Kieran half stumbled, so I grabbed his arm.
“No couch.” He shook his head. “No couch for Kieran!” He sang out with a sudden grin. “No couch for Kieran.”
“Oh Jesus. You need water and sleep.”
“No, I need… I just don’t want to sleep on the couch.” He went from silly to pouting again. Like I said, he was an emotional drunk. “Cesar?—“
“Hold on, I’m getting you some water.”
“But I need to tell ya something. Something big.”
I rolled my eyes at his theatrical tone. “In a minute. Drink some water first.”
“Fine.” He gulped it down, some spilling on his shirt. “Can I speak now?”
“Sure.”
“I don’t want to sleep on this sofa.” he proclaimed loudly.
I nodded, indulging him a moment. I was glad he drank the water. I hoped he wouldn’t puke, wherever he slept tonight. “Then where do you want to go?” I asked absently.
“Your bed.”
“What?” My gaze flew back to his.
Kieran stepped closer, so little space was between us. He tapped me on the chest. “I wanna sleep in your bed. Like you did—you slept in mine. Remember?”
I frowned, ignoring the sudden leap of my heart. “All right, I mean… I guess I can sleep on the sofa. You can take my bed.”
He let out a snort. “Not that, either.”
“Those are the choices.”
“No, there’s more. Look at me,” he commanded.
“I a m looking at you.”
“No, fucking look—at—me.”
“Seriously, you’re shitfaced and need to go to sleep.”
“Look at me.”
I fell silent. Looking into his sweet blue eyes.
“Imma drunk.” Smiling wider, he gave a vigorous shake of his head. “Yep, fucking drunk as a skunk, here.” He burst into giggles.
“Kieran.“ I sighed.
He gripped the front of my shirt. “But it only gives me the courage. I don’t wanna to sleep alone. I wanna sleep with you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. I want you.”
“Shut up.” I took a step away. My face paled. “You’re wasted and confused. Go to sleep on the couch or in my bed, but just… stop talking nonsense.”
“And I want to go on that date. I want to date you.”
“Please…” I whispered. It hurt. Hearing his drunken babble, knowing Kieran couldn’t mean a thing he said. It hurt my fucking heart.
Kieran’s face fell. “You don’t believe me?”
“Just go and sleep.”
“I’ll make you believe me.” He pouted. “Why can’t you want me? I’m not as handsome as Elias—fucking brothers. But… why not me?”
“Stop it,” I snapped causing Kieran to flinch. “Sorry,” I said immediately. I had yelled at him. I never did that.
He blinked slowly. “S’okay.”
“It’s not.” I bit my lip.
Kieran reached out and took my hand. “Don’t worry. It’s okay if you don’t want me back. You’re still my best friend.”
I crumpled. “Not want you back? You’re all I want. All I ever have wanted.” He wouldn’t remember this. I had to believe he wouldn’t. “I fucking love you, Kieran. I’m in love with you. And I always have been.”
“Yeah?” A delighted grin crossed his face. “Kiss me.”
I shook my head. “Not this way. You’re drunk.”
“One kiss.”
I swallowed hard. This was wrong. Messed up. Kieran pursed his lips. He wouldn’t remember this, would he? Or my confession of love? One kiss. Could I live on the memory of one kiss? Maybe it would be enough to let him go. I scrubbed a hand through my hair. His mouth was still waiting. And Kieran had closed his eyes. His eyelashes so pretty. His lips so soft looking. One kiss. What could it change? I leaned in and kissed him. Kieran groaned, and pressed his lips against mine.
“Yes,” he murmured, before parting his lips and offering his tongue. Was it a bit of a sloppy drunk attempt? Yes. But it was Kieran. His touch. His taste. So, it was also…
Magic. It was fucking magic. His taste. I cradled Kieran’s face in my hands and for a long moment, I simply felt the kiss. It was as if I could memorize everything. How he smelled, the softness of his mouth. But it was more than physical. I felt Kieran’s energy, drunken or not. I felt his warmth and spirit pouring into mine and I sank into the feeling. After fighting so hard to hold it all away, I gave in. All the years of longing for my best friend. Loving him. Tasting and exploring every sweet inch of Kieran’s mouth. The kiss was somehow hot and gentle all at once.
“Kieran.” I spoke his name with a ragged edge.
“Yes,” he whispered back. “Cesar, yes.”
We kissed once more. I curled my fingers at his waist, pulled him closer so there was no space between us as noisy, hungry sounds escaped us.
For the record, Kieran pushed for more. I was the one who stopped. One kiss was all I could allow, especially since he was drunk. Two kisses, okay, sue me. But no more.
Kieran rested his head near my neck, his breath skating across my skin. “S’nice.” He sighed. Before yawning.
“Okay, man, time to sleep off the alcohol.” I stroked his hair with affection. “Before you totally conk out here, are you feeling okay? Need a puke bag nearby? Some water?”
“I’m good. Fucking great,” he murmured, already closing his eyes.
I scooped him up and carried him to my bed, which he giggled at, but the second he was in my bed, he fell asleep. I stared at his features, knowing this moment would never come again. Could never come again.
I need to leave him alone. My heart thrashed with protest at that thought, but I ignored it. This entire Christmas con had been designed to separate me from being in love with him, to divert my focus to Elias, or anybody else… away from Kieran. Yet I’d been weak. Unable to resist his offer, his lush mouth.
Leaving him there, tucked under my covers, I went to sleep on my sofa. I hoped like hell he’d forget what had occurred. What I had confided. Another deeper, needier part of me, hoped that he wouldn’t.