Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
CESAR
“Merry Christmas.” Kieran was bent near me, his face inches from mine. His eyes were slightly bloodshot and his shaggy hair was a mess of cowlicks.
“Hey.” My voice was hoarse with sleep. “Are you feeling okay?”
He was slow to answer. “Yeah. I’m good. Sorry you slept on the couch.”
“It was fine.” As if to prove it, I bunch the sofa pillow in my hand and squeeze it.
“Hey, what did that pillow ever do to you?” he asked, half-smiling.
“Nothing much. I barely know this pillow.” I let it go with an exaggerated release.
He smelled a little of alcohol, but underneath that, he still smelled like himself. I wanted to touch him, smooth away those cowlicks in his hair.
“Well, Merry Christmas.” I chewed the outer part of my lip.
“Merry Christmas,” he mumbled.
Was he looking at my mouth? Did he remember last night? “Breakfast?” I asked quickly.
“Toast? And coffee. Lots of coffee.” He let out a small groan and rubbed his forehead.
“You got it. Can you eat a little more than toast? An egg. Protein would do you good.”
“Maybe.” Kieran followed me into the kitchen.
My heart hammered as I tried my damnedest to appear nonchalant. “I’ll make you a fried egg, coffee, and toast.” Did he remember? My mind was screaming, even as my tone stayed even.
“Can I help you?”
“What?” I licked my lips, realizing he meant with breakfast. “No, thanks. Sit and relax.”
He didn’t sit, but he didn’t help. Kieran watched me cook the egg and make the coffee. He appeared lost in thought, but maybe he was just hungover and tired.
“So…” He took the plate of food from me. “I should see my family, open some presents.”
“Yeah, same with Mami and me.”
He nodded. “But, um, afterwards, we do have this Secret Santa gift to use. If –er—” He flushed, the top of his ears going red. “—I can go with you to The Hook’s Traveling Book Nook ?”
I lowered my coffee mug. “You want to go with me to the bus?” Do you remember our kiss , my brain screamed louder than ever.
“Yes.” Kieran smiled.
My fingers trembled and I gripped my breakfast table. “Why?” I asked softly.
“’Cause, ever since we started this whole thing, I’ve wanted to be the one…” He drew a sharp breath. “I want that date with you. Or was it not clear from last night?”
“I—you—remember?”
“Of course. I was drunk, but I don’t have amnesia. As if I could forget kissing the fuck outta you.” He reached out and touched my hand. “Or what you said to me.”
I withdrew my hand. “But… I’ve only seen you interested in girls.” No way could this be real. “Kieran, if this is some stupid Christmas joke?—”
“What? No. I’m serious. I get why you might… It’s true. I never thought about guys this way. Not until the idea of you and Elias got planted in my head, and then those books?—”
“What books?”
“It doesn’t matter. All I can say is, you might be the only guy I’ve ever wanted or ever w ill want. But I swear, I want you, Cesar, this is no joke.”
It was a dream come true. For a moment, I let myself imagine it. Before the normal negative doubts came. It was a dream. Yet would it end in a nightmare? He was just reacting to me wanting his brother. He’d figure out he wasn’t that into guys, or me, and then what?
“Cesar.” Kieran’s soft voice brought me back from my spiraling thoughts. “Don’t worry.”
He always said this to me. Steadied me. Quieted the ugly thoughts. “It’s just—I can’t lose you.” I ducked my head. “I’m nervous,” I admitted.
“Me too. But we can’t—we won’t lose each other.” He cupped my cheeks in his hands. Kieran’s lips were a promise as they landed on mine.
“And I’m the one who should be nervous after you saw me sloppy drunk last night. Thank god, I didn’t vomit in your shoes or something.”
“All good. And I’ve seen you drunk before so it wasn’t shocking. Shocking would be the time I caught Mami trying marijuana.”
“What?” Kieran chuckled. “No way!”
“Yep. Her makeup was all smudged, and she giggled when I caught her stuffing Pringles into her mouth at three am.”
“Wow, your immaculate mom, a stoner.” He gave a smirk.
“You can’t ever mention it. She swore me to secrecy.”
“Locked in the vault,” Kieran promised, pretending to turn a key at his lips.
“I only told you to explain that a drunk friend can’t compare to a mother hopped-up on edibles.”
We laughed, but then his face grew serious. “Was the marijuana for the pain during her cancer treatment?”
I nodded. “Truthfully, I don’t care what she took, if it helped her, I support it.”
“Did it help?”
“Not enough.” I grimaced.
Kieran took my hand roughly in his.
After breakfast, we showered and dressed. I dropped him at his folks’ for some holiday time and went to be with Mami. We agreed to go on the “date” as arranged. In a few hours, we’d be back together. Kieran and I hadn’t discussed anything else since he kissed me in the kitchen. And I tried—like really fucking hard—to stay positive.
He would have a few hours to change his mind. But if Kieran met me and we went on this date, I knew it meant he was all in. I could come up with a thousand reasons our dating might fail. That would be so easy. Easy was not always better.
I’d hidden behind the easier thing for years. Not trusting myself to act. Maybe it was left over from my parents, and how one betrayed the other. And Mami had loved Papi so much, it must have hurt her so deeply. That hurt transferred to me.
I was supposed to be brave and tough, but I was only that way with my body. Trust Kieran to be the brave one.
I smiled. He was so good, and not the kind of good that was on display to impress others. He was the kind of good that quietly held you when your parent was in the hospital. Or made you want to be less bitter and more open to everyone. Kieran was the kind of good that took on your broken pieces and made them feel cracked on purpose.
I wanted this date with him. And I hadn’t understood until this moment I could say yes.
When we met for out date, Kieran was all smiles as he climbed into my car.
“Hey,” I said in a weird, gruff croak.
“Hi!” His happy gaze met mine, and an electric charge surged between us. Did he feel it?
Kieran swallowed, and I could see a tiny shiver go through him. “Er—you excited to finally see the bus?” he stammered, suddenly looking shy and cute.
“Yeah, let’s do this.” I started the engine. Smiled. I was simply excited to be with Kieran. Any date would do for me. Kieran had changed into a raspberry-colored sweater and worn jeans, and he looked so damn good.
I turned on the radio, since it was the one day the Christmas music didn’t annoy me.
Kieran hummed along to “Rocking around the Christmas Tree,” but was otherwise silent. I wondered what might be going on in his mind. He had ridden in my car thousands of times, yet I was so aware of him today. Of what might be starting between us. I wanted to take his hand, but settled for enjoying how close he was to me, the two of us alone on this journey. I was aware of his body, the curls near the back of his neck, the slope of his shoulders, the tapping of his foot to the song. We were on a date, something I’d longed for and dreamt about.
Let this ride take forever. I wanted to savor every second, from beginning to end. I mean, I hoped for this to be the start of many dates, of Kieran developing some feelings for me. But I also wanted to stretch out this moment, so perfect, and hold it in my heart. So, I was almost sad when we pulled into the parking lot where the bus was located.
“Last time there was nothing around it,” Kieran mused. “But this is super cool too.”
An ice-skating rink was next to the bus. Families were going in and out of the door, some with hockey gear, others holding the hands of little ones.
“We should check that place out too.”
“I haven’t skated in years.”
“Me, neither. But it would be fun.”
Kieran looked so tickled by the idea I nodded in agreement. Falling on my ass onto hard ice didn’t sound at all fun. But if he wanted to go, I’d go.
After circling for a moment, I found a space in the busy parking lot.
“Doesn’t look as if anybody is going into the Book Nook.”
The bus was perched on the edge of the parking lot, behind it a tall tree whose branches were dusted with snow. Wisps of clouds matched the stark white of the tree. The rainbow colors on the bus stood in contrast, like the Wizard of Oz when it went from black and white to color.
“Well, they agreed to give me a private tour. When I arranged—all this.” I cleared my throat. For Elias , were the unspoken words between us.
“Yeah, Cybil and Jane are honorable ladies. Even if they could make some profit from the spillover skaters.”
“They might do that once we go.”
“I hope so. Small business and all that.” Kieran sighed. “I know how that is.”
“Coburn Plumbing struggling? Your dad seemed happy last night. I heard him talking to Ronald.”
“Ronald.” Kieran scoffed. “We could make so much more if he was just open to new ideas.”
“Then make him listen. Your dad too,” I said in a firm voice. “You can do it.”
“Thanks.” Kieran mustered a smile.
“Promise?”
He nodded. Then he leaned in and kissed me tenderly. A soft brush of the lips. “Let’s focus on us today,” he said, his voice soft.
I couldn’t speak. I have no idea what expression was on my face—shock, joy—but Kieran gave me his mega-watt grin and exited my car.
“Christmas is my season.” He inhaled sharply. “I love so much about it. I love the smells of Christmas.”
“You just love good smells, period.”
“True.” Kieran tapped the side of his nose. “Maybe because plumbing is not a great smelling job, so I appreciate the good ones. But I’m serious about Christmas. The air is so crisp, and inside, there’s the smell of warm cookies baking, a fire going… It’s my favorite time of year.” He sighed. “And the world just seems kinder, safer. For a moment at least.”
“I’ll keep you safe.”
He nodded and reached for my hand. We both knew nobody could ensure that type of promise, but I’d give all of myself to try.
“And I’ll do the same,” Kieran vowed softly.
I liked that we made this promise, especially on Christmas, when such things felt possible.
“What’s your favorite smell?” Kieran asked as we neared the bus.
“You. When you’re not knee-deep in shit.”
He made a face. “Fuck you… and thank you, I guess?”
Whatever soap he used, even fucking Christmas Jubilee or Samson’s presents, Kieran’s scent always underneath, indescribable and perfect, was for me. I could simply breathe in his skin and be happy.
“If it makes you feel better, you mostly smell like your flowers. The scent must linger from all the care you give them.”
“Wait until you meet Cybil. She’s magical.” Kieran bounced on the balls of his feet. He was like a kid, and I couldn’t help catching some of his excitement. But my present wasn’t a bunch of books. It was what I hoped for afterward.
Please, Santa, say I’m a good boy.
We rapped on the door of the bus and it opened. A woman in a loose purple sweater, wool slacks, and bright lime green jewelry stood before us.
“Kieran!” She embraced him eagerly, the two of them looking like colorful Christmas birds in their vibrant sweaters. “How do you like the books I gave you?”
“Great. Um, for real. I read them all.” Kieran ducked his head, a sly smile on his lips.
I wondered about what books—he’d mentioned books before—’cause he wasn’t a big reader. Neither of us were, this plan had been created to woo Elias. But clearly, Cybil had done some wooing herself.
“It’s cold, close that door.” A second woman walked over to us. She wore checkered flannel, a Grinch t-shirt peeking out underneath it, and sensible workman boots. “You can’t afford to catch cold,” she scolded Cybil.
“Oh, stop fussing.”
Jane, I presumed, only scowled more, and I immediately understood and approved of the protective vibe she gave off.
“Cesar, so nice to finally meet in person.” I was enveloped in Cybil’s warm hug.
“Thanks. And I appreciate your arranging all this, especially on Christmas Day.”
“We were expecting a different—” Cybil stopped, concern on her face. “I normally handpick the right books but?—”
“You switched brothers on us.” Jane cackled. “Classic move.”
Maybe I didn’t love Jane so much, after all. I resisted the urge to correct her. I didn’t switch brothers. It was always Kieran.
Kieran trailed his fingers over the books, stroking them like old friends. When had he become such a fan of books? The old Kieran would dismiss reading, claiming he couldn’t focus. I always hated to see him do that. He was plenty smart.
“What do you want to read, Cesar?”
My brain went totally blank on anything I’d ever read. I tried to swing my gaze off Kieran’s fingers to the ladies.
“Perhaps I can find some titles for you?” Cybil asked. “Meanwhile, we prepared a little lunch. Sit, talk, enjoy. Come on, Jane. You can help me.”
They left us. A small area of the bus had been converted to long tables, like picnic benches. They’d made it so pretty, with a candle lit, some type of Christmas one. There was a platter of pastries, thumbprint cookies, shortbread, and?—
“That’s encanelado,” I exclaimed. “I haven’t had this bread in years.”
“What is it?” Kieran sat down.
“It’s like… Peruvian French toast. It’s a cinnamon cake .”
“Cybil is thorough that way. And she knew you are Peruvian,” Jane called to me.
“I guess. But that’s going all out.” I ate some. “Oh my fucking God.”
I handed some to Kieran and he moaned at the first bite. “So good.”
He licked his fingers. When our eyes locked, I swear the bus got steamy, despite the temperature outside.
“I want to leave.”
“What? We can’t.” Kieran glanced toward the back of the bus.
“This is sweet and wonderful, and I will tip the hell out of Cybil and Jane for all of it, but I can’t wait, not a minute longer.” I stared at him.
“But—”
“Please, I’m begging you.” My voice shook, matching the racing beat of my heart. Kieran’s mouth gaped. I reached for his hand, and bringing his palm to my lips, I gently kissed the center.
“I will buy this entire bus full of books. I will get on my fucking knees.” He stared at me, speechless.
“I promise we can skate another time. We can visit here or wherever this travelling bus goes, every Christmas from now on as much as you want. But for the love of God, I need you in my bed. I need to hold you and kiss you and get naked with you.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t deserve you, but I swear, I will treat you right, and do everything possible to make being with me so good, so good that…” I lost my words, lost in his soft blue eyes.
My unfinished sentence hung in the air, like a visible question mark. I simply looked at him as he gazed back at me. Both of us suspended, waiting.
“Let’s go to your place,” Kieran agreed, finally. He reached out and ran his fingers along my jaw.
And it was like every full stocking, every sweet dessert, every present left under the tree, every dream found.
Thank you, Santa.