Chapter 32
Elara
My hands were shaking when I stepped through the doors of my room.
After our men had properly taken charge of the palace, I went back to the old rooms I’d stayed in before running to Everness. Everything looked as it had before, apart from a bit of dust gathering here and there and no wood in the fireplace.
I hadn’t seen Cai since what happened in the throne room. I needed to find him and make sure he was all right, but I was covered in blood and dirt, and I wanted to get rid of the worst of it before I did anything else.
I’d handed Conner over to one of our guards to make sure he was safe, but I couldn’t pull myself away from the fight between Cai and Thatcher.
Nor could I unsee the way Cai brutally took Thatcher’s life.
I couldn’t say it was undeserved, but seeing Cai’s pain and anger take control of him like that made me realise once again how much of a toll this had all taken on him.
Part of me worried about the way he was filled with blind rage at that moment.
How he’d changed into someone I barely recognised.
Was this one of the many reasons Cai dreaded war so much?
Because he was afraid of the person it might change him into?
Jack had once told me, long ago, that the first war with Argon had changed Cai in ways he never recovered from.
I didn’t know the Cai he was before Argon, but I didn’t want to lose the one I’d come to know in the last few months.
What if this war changed all of us in ways we could not imagine?
What if we became strangers to ourselves?
All I knew was that I needed to talk to Cai as soon as possible.
My clothes were spattered in blood and my boots covered in dirt from trekking to Mistwood through the muddied earth.
I started by removing my shirt. My arm burned with every movement. Luckily, I’d worn a sleeveless top under my linen shirt to keep me warm. I wouldn’t have to get changed before cleaning the wound.
I made my way to the bathing chamber, noticing in the mirror how pale my face looked.
The water was cold as I pressed a wet cloth to my skin.
At least the bleeding had mostly stopped, but it might still require some stitches.
Now I would have a scar on each arm. One from the rebel girl who’d tried to assassinate me in my own throne room a few months earlier, and one from the Argonian soldier today.
Not that it mattered much at this point.
I was pretty much covered in them anyway.
After rummaging through a few of the drawers, I found a needle and some thread. The cut was at a bit of an awkward angle, so it wasn’t going to be very easy.
Before the needle could pierce my skin, there was a knock on the door, and I jumped up from where I’d been sitting on the bed. I hurried over to the door and braced myself before opening it.
Cai stood there with his hair dishevelled, and his pupils still dilated, but he was no longer covered in Thatcher’s blood.
“I was just on my way to see you,” I said, leaving the door open so that he could step inside. “I just wanted to put on some clean clothes and get all this blood off me.” I shuddered again at the memory of stabbing the Argonian soldier.
Cai’s eyes travelled to the red gash on my arm. “How’s your wound?”
“It’s just a scratch.” I shrugged it off, picking up the threaded needle once more.
“Shouldn’t we call for a physician of some kind? I’m sure one has already been sent for to look after all the men who sustained injuries.”
I gave him a look that suggested he should know me better by now.
Cai took a seat next to me on the bed. “Would you let me help you at least?”
Reluctantly I handed him the needle and turned so that he could easily reach the cut on my upper arm.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” I muttered under my breath before clenching my jaw as the needle broke through my skin. I’d forgotten how much I disliked this.
“Of course I do. We’ve done this before, remember?” I did remember. Back at Fairfrith camp after we’d escaped Lance at Woodsbrook I’d had a nasty cut on my leg, which Cai did an impressive job of stitching up.
“I could really use a strong drink right about now,” I said, not looking for any particular kind of answer.
“Me too,” he said under his breath.
“Are you okay?” I asked carefully, trying not to look as he made the stitches.
“I’m still alive,” Cai said without much emotion. “I’m more worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” Which we both knew was only half the truth.
I probably would have been dead had Cai not shown up to save me.
Despite my hours of training and sparring with Rhen, my only comparison to this event was the day of the rebellion.
I didn’t have the kind of training and experience that all the other soldiers and Cai had.
Cai finished stitching the wound and broke off the remaining thread.
“Are you sure you’re all right, though? It got pretty intense back there.”
“I suppose so, yes.” He stood up and looked around the room until he found a piece of bedlinen. I watched him rip the linen into a long bandage before taking a seat next to me again.
“To witness and be part of so much death can have an effect on a person, you know? It’s perfectly understandable to be having a hard time right now.”
He started to wrap the bandage carefully around my arm.
“Thatcher betrayed you in the worst way possible. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like.” I suddenly felt like crying and I wasn’t even sure why. All the events of the day must have taken their toll on me.
“I’m sorry you had to see it.”
True, Cai didn’t merely drive a sword through Thatcher but beat him to death and continued beating him after he was no longer alive. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t gruesome to watch. But I was more afraid that this would somehow break Cai beyond repair and that I would never get him back.
I placed my hand on his arm. “Cai, I don’t care about what happened in the throne room. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
He didn’t reply, merely looked at the floor, which was answer enough. I slipped my hand into the pocket of my breeches and pulled out Cai’s mother’s ring.
“I believe this is yours,” I said softly, opening his hand so that I could place the ring inside.
Cai looked at the ring in his palm and his eyes slowly started to water.
I knew he was seeing her in his mind. The kind and soft-spoken woman who raised him to be the man he was today.
Her memory would haunt him for the rest of his life, and I knew he blamed himself for her death.
I just wished there was something I could say to him to make him realise that it wasn’t his fault.
“It was her wedding ring,” he said, his voice a little hoarse.
“She loved this ring that my father gave her.” He held it up between his fingers.
“She never took it off.” A single tear rolled down his cheek.
“She used to joke that if someone wanted that ring, they would have to pry it off her cold, dead hand.”
A sob escaped him, and my heart felt like it was shattering. I used my thumb to wipe the tear from his cheek and pulled him into my embrace. Cai held on to me tightly, and in that moment, I would have done anything if it meant he would stop hurting.
I let him cry on my shoulder, willing to sit there for the rest of the day if it would make him feel better.
“I know you miss your mum.” I tried to soothe him, rubbing circles on his back.
“But I promise you she is looking over you right now and she is proud of the man you are and what you’re doing for your kingdom.
” Cai sobbed against me, and I only pulled him closer.
“I know this will probably be the hardest thing either of us ever has to do.” My neck was wet from Cai’s tears, but I didn’t want to pull away. “But you and I are going to make it through this.” I turned my head to press a kiss to his cheek. “Together.”