Chapter Twenty-Four
One evening, Tony and Lucinda walked through the gardens out back. It wasn’t as large as Warrington House’s garden at a quarter of the size, but it had a few mature trees and a small home garden for herbs and vegetables.
“How was Grandfather when you went to see him?” Lucinda asked.
“He was concerned for your safety of course but happy to know you were safe here. He will be leaving London at the end of the week but begs that you continue to write to him.”
“Of course. He is full of memories of my mother, and I feel like I know her much better now, thanks to him. And, thanks to you for going to him and bringing him and me together.”
“You have to know I did it for you and you alone.”
“I do. You brought me my parents as well, though shamefully I did not react the way you expected. I do want you to know I am grateful for all you have done for me.”
“It was my duty, but it soon became more than that.” He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. “I wanted to see you happy. I wanted you to get what you desired and had always missed out on.”
“It was not until I came here that I realized exactly how much had been taken away from me. How different my life could have been. Then again, I may never have met you and your wonderful family.” She turned towards him and rose up on her toes to place a kiss on his mouth.
Tony put his hands on her shoulders to keep a distance between them. “Perhaps we should keep our affections out of sight.”
“Why? Do you think your mother and sister do not see how I look at you? The way you look at me. They know, believe me.” She laughed. “Look to the windows on the second floor.”
He did and was shocked to see his mother’s and sister’s faces in the window.
Then they waved at him, and he could not help but laugh and shake his head.
“I should not be so surprised. My sister has always been on the ball when it comes to matters of the heart. She predicted both my older brothers’ wives. ”
“She is very wise indeed. Will you please kiss me now?”
“With pleasure.” He dipped his head and with his hands pulled her against him, pressing his lips to hers in soft open-mouthed kisses that sent shivers through her limbs making her melt into him.
She was conscious of their audience and tried to stop the kiss, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do.
“Your mother,” she reminded him, and he nodded and stepped back.
“Shall we recommence our stroll around this rather boring garden?”
“That would be lovely, although I think Sasha is having a wonderful time. Dogs find such joy in the simplest things.” They walked and watched as Marianne’s dog chased various bugs and pounced on a lizard, who was sunning itself on a leaf.
“Indeed. What brings you joy, Lucinda?”
She looked at him, her face serious. “You. I know you do not want to hear it, but it is true. I love your family, not just for what they have done for me but because they did it out of the goodness of their hearts. And because you are part of this family, I love you too.”
Platonic love? Is that how she felt about him? Like love for a sister or a brother? No, you do not kiss your brother like she kissed him. “So, you are saying you love me?”
Lucinda cupped his face. “Yes. I love you. I have for a while and even though I know you will not marry me I cannot stop what I feel for you.”
His heart was breaking in two. He loved her with everything he was, but was it folly for him to fight it? He loved being a spy. It was what he did. Who would he be without his position with Stafford and The Ring, the group of spies he worked with?
If he left and married Lucinda, he would no doubt be happy at first, but then as time went on, he knew he would become bored. He would need to find a new vocation. What if he weren’t any good at anything else?
“Lucinda.” Taking her back in his arms. “I want you to know I do love you.”
“Just not in the same way I love you?” Tears shimmered in her eyes.
“My heart is yours,” he said, his tone apologetic. “I need time to make sure I can provide for you. That I can give you the life you want.”
“I understand. My dowry and inheritance cannot keep us forever.”
“It is not just that. Before I worked for Stafford, I was lost. I knew nothing but how to be a soldier. He gave me back my life after my brother took my livelihood away from me.”
“Edward did that?”
“It was with good intentions, although I did not think so at the time. I had been sent home to convalesce after taking a bullet in the side. I had developed a fever, and they feared I would not recover. I suspect my mother also had something to do with his decision to cash in my commission, so I cannot blame him entirely.”
He picked up a stick and threw it for Sasha to chase.
“I made a full recovery and was eager to rejoin my regiment only to find that I was no longer a soldier. I no longer had anything. I began to drink and gamble and generally tried to embarrass my brother by causing scandal. He had only been the duke for less than a year.”
Lucinda said nothing, but she hugged his arm as they continued to walk.
“I am ashamed to say,” he went on, “that I had become quite the problem for my whole family. Stafford picked me up one day, off the street as I was walking home from a…” He looked down at Lucinda.
“Not nice place. He offered me a job. Something that allowed me to use my skills for the betterment of the country.”
She frowned and then said. “So, what does that mean?”
“I find out information and relay it back to Stafford.”
“Like a spy?”
“Yes.”
She stopped, her eyes wide with shock, and studied his face. “And Captain Markham?”
“He works with us but is still technically in the British army.”
“Does Beckett also belong to your organization?” Tony only nodded.
“I know nothing about spies, but it makes sense. Your trunk of old clothes, the proximity to the back garden. Your coming and going at all hours. This house.” She bent to pick up the stick and threw it again for the dog. “Does everyone in the family know?”
“No. Only Edward and he only recently. You cannot tell the others. It must remain our secret.”
“And this is why you cannot be married?”
“Yes. It is a rule: no titles or marriages. They only cause distraction for us and pain for the wife and children we may leave behind if something were to happen to us.”
“I see.” They continued to walk in silence for a short time. “It is time to go back inside. I need time to think about all this.” She disengaged her hand from his and walked back to the house, leaving him to watch her go.
Had he done the wrong thing in telling her? Did the fact that he did love her mean nothing?
Marianne entered Lucinda’s room; her face was bright with excitement. “I should have known. Tony is Lord A. It all makes sense now… but why are you crying?”
Lucinda looked up at Marianne, her face covered in tears. “He told me he loves me.”
“So, these are happy tears?” Marianne said, sitting down next to her.
She shook her head. “He will not marry me.”
Marianne frowned and put her arm around Lucinda. “Why ever not?”
“Because, obviously, he loves his position with Stafford more than me. He is not willing to give it up even for love, even for me.”
Marianne pulled Lucinda into her arms. “Well, that is ridiculous. No position is worth giving up true love.”
“He thinks otherwise.”
“Well, that is nonsense. Wait until Mother hears this!”
“Please, do not make a fuss. I have already caused you all a lot of trouble. I mean, look where we are! Stuck in this house because of me.” She let out a loud sigh, her shoulders slumped.
“We are not here because of you. It is because of your father. None of this is your fault.”
Lucinda twisted the corner of her shawl. “But if it were not for me none of us would be here in this predicament.”
“I’ll go and get us some… tea.” Marianne scurried from the room before Lucinda could say she really did not want tea.
“Anthony Charles Ashton!” Marianne said as she strode into the room. “Have you lost your wits?”
Tony looked up from the London Times newspaper. “What are you talking about?”
“Do you or do you not love Lucinda?”
“Not that it is any of your business, but yes, God help me I do love her.”
“Then why is she crying upstairs?” She stood, hands on hips, waiting for his response. “She should be singing with joy, not wallowing in misery.”
She was crying upstairs. Damn and blast it. He was making a right royal mess of this. “I really do not need this lecture right now.” Tony went to the sideboard and poured himself a drink.
“Is it perhaps because you made her feel like your stupid position with Lord Stafford was more important than her? Could it be that you have broken her heart simply because you are too cowardly to choose her over everything else? Because that is what love is, Tony. If you love her, really love her, it would not even be a choice. Positions come and go but true love? Do not throw that away.” She was panting with anger by the time she had finished, her face flushed and her hands in fists at her side.
This was a side of his sister he had never seen, and she had told him off plenty of times.
Usually more subtlety was involved, but still.
She was right, and she was wrong. Keep his job and lose the love of his life and be miserable, or keep her love and lose his position and be miserable.
There was no middle ground for him to cling to.
“You do not understand, Marianne. Love is not always black and white. There are many things to consider.”
“Then consider them and get on with it. She gave up Dunstan for you, just remember that. She could have been a countess but instead she chose you because she loves you. Not your job or your sense of duty to it. You. She loves you. Idiot!” She then turned on her heel and stomped out of the room.
Tony stood there, stunned. His drink was halfway to his mouth. Firstly, that his mild-mannered sister had called him an idiot and secondly, because she had made some valid points.
He thought Lucinda understood. He was not saying he would never marry her, just not now.
She was still young, and he needed time to find out who he could be if he were not a spy.
He wanted to be worthy of her because he had no title to offer her.
She could have been a countess. It was true, but she had decided not to marry Dunstan.
He had not asked her to, not for his sake.
He could not stand the thought of her crying upstairs, either.
He had a lot to think about, and he needed to do it quickly.