Chapter Seventeen
Wren
Idon”t know how I make it back to my apartment without anyone seeing me. I suppose being able to walk out Brooks”s back door and only take a few steps to mine helps. Once in my apartment, the panic is too strong to ignore anymore.
I drop everything from my hands onto the floor as I stumble to my room, not making it. My knees hit the hardwood floor as my vision fades.
I curl up in a ball somewhere between the front door and my room as the panic completely overtakes me.
My breathing is erratic as I gasp for every breath. I try to remember my techniques to stop the panic attack, but I”m too far gone right now to try any of them. The overwhelming doom of what I just did blankets me as my body trembles uncontrollably, a cold sweat breaking out all over it. I tuck my knees into my chest as close as I can, my arms tightening around my legs, to hold myself together. My heart feels like it”s going to pound out of my chest is a cruel reminder that, even though I broke it, it”s still beating. The pain I caused is very much real and in control right now.
I don”t know how long I have been curled up on the floor in the fetal position, but when I peel my eyes open and myself off the hardwood, everything fucking hurts. I”m sure my face is swollen and my leftover makeup from the night before a complete wreck.
Stumbling to my room, I strip and head into the bathroom to shower. I don”t even bother turning on the lights, hating my reflection looking back at me in the mirror after a panic attack. I let the light from the room be enough as I go through the motions of cleaning myself up.
Feeling a little more human and a tiny bit calmer, I flop on my bed. I”m only there a minute before Brooks”s woodsy scent hits my nose, making me jump from the bed. We”ve spent so much time together that my sheets smell like him which is the last thing I need and the panic starts to rise again.
I grab the first shirt and shorts I find in my dresser and put them on. Then, I strip all of the bedding, stuff it into the washing machine, and start the load. In my room, I put spare sheets on the bed but stop in my tracks when I see one of Brooks shirts on the floor.
Little pieces of Brooks are everywhere. Tears spill down my cheeks at the sight of all of his things. I try brushing them away with trembling fingers, but a sob rips free instead. Sinking to the floor, my back against the wall, I pull my knees to my chest and rest my chin on them as I give into my tears. How the fuck am I supposed to move on and act like nothing”s wrong when my fucking world is breaking apart?
I”m startled awake when fingers brush over my cheeks, wiping away my tears. My first thought is that Brooks came back for me, but I realize my mistake when my eyes open and see Lark crouched down in front of me.
I launch myself into his arms, making him fall back on his ass. He grunts at my weight slamming into him. Lark will forever and always be my home, as well as my protector. For the first time since I walked out of Brooks”s apartment, I feel like I can breathe safe in my big brother”s arms.
”What are you doing here?” I mumble from where my face is buried in his chest.
”Call it big brother”s intuition or good timing, but I had the nagging urge to come see my little birdie today. I didn”t have any clients scheduled, so there was nothing stopping me. I did not expect to find you like this, though. What happened?”
Lark tugs my hair to get my face out of his chest and scoots us over to my bed. He leans his back against the bed, sliding me off his lap and setting me down beside him.
”First, what time is it?”
”Why? Where”s your phone?”
I realize I have no idea where it is.
”Um, beats the hell out of me.” I shrug my shoulders.
Lark shakes his head at me in exacerbation before pulling his phone out of his pocket and calling mine. I hear it out in the living room and stand up to go grab it, groaning at how sore I am and cursing myself for not only having the panic attack on the floor but sobbing myself to sleep on it as well.
I make it to the living room and cringe at the mess. I dumped everything as soon as I got in the door, so clothes, books, makeup, and who knows what else are scattered across the floor. I find my phone under a pile of cloths.
I wake the screen up and gasp when I see that it”s after five. I have several missed calls and texts from Daphne, Meadow, and even a few from Chayse and Landon.
I pull up the group chat with Daph and Meadow and am instantly nauseous when I see that Meadow texted Brooks when she couldn”t get ahold of me. She let me know they rescheduled my appointments for the day so I can have it to myself, but tomorrow, they were coming over bright and early.
Lark is looking at me with concern.
”You still want to go with intuition, or are you going to tell me the truth about why you are here?” I demand as anger fills me at his deception.
”Ah, there”s the anger. Hit me with your best shot, sis. You know I can take it.”
Oh, fuck him. What was I just thinking about Lark being my fiercest protector? Screw that. He”s really my biggest pain in the ass and pissing me off right now.
”Fuck you, Lark. Don”t lie to me. That”s our one rule. We. Do. Not. Lie. To. Each. Other.” I grit out as I stomp my foot, anger building inside me.
I fucking hate liars, and Lark has never been one. I don”t know why he”s starting now. My fists are clenched as I glare at him. He”s standing across the room, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks just as pissed, but I have no idea why.
”Then start fucking talking, Wren. Do you know what it”s like to get a call from Daphne telling me they can”t find you and you aren”t picking up your phone?” Lark pauses to rein in his anger, which makes mine calm down. It would be devastating if I got a call like that in regard to him. ”Oh, and they saw Brooks leaving earlier today, looking completed wrecked, but they still couldn”t get ahold of you, and you wouldn”t answer your door?” He”s still leaning against the wall, but his ticking jaw lets on how angry he actually is.
”I can”t imagine getting a phone call like that.” I hang my head in shame and tears fill my eyes for the millionth time today.
Seeing my tears breaks Lark from his anger, and he walks across the room to get to me.
”It was one of the worst phone calls I”ve ever gotten, birdie. I”m sorry for lying to you. You looked completely wrecked when I got here. Hell, you were passed out on your hardwood floor with swollen eyes and anguish on your face, even though you were sleeping. What happened?”
”Brooks left—” is all I manage to get out before the sobs break free and I fall into Lark.
He scoops me up and takes me to the couch, where he sets me down beside him, keeping a protective arm around my shoulder while I cry it out.
Once I”ve calmed down, Lark dives right back in.
”What do you mean, he left?”
”The college called and needed him to come back. He wasn”t supposed to have to teach in class for the semester. But something happened, and he had to go back.”
”Okay, that sucks, but I still don”t get why you”re like this.” Lark gestures at the pathetic, moping mess that I am. ”It”s not like he”s going to be gone forever, right?”
”He said he”d come back on the weekends. But how is that going to be sustainable? He”s going to be essentially living two lives. When he comes back here, his time is going to be at the bookstore while I”ll be busy tattooing. What kind of relationship would that even be?”
”So, he left, but you broke it off?” Lark questions, which make me give him the evil eye. He raises his hands in surrender. ”Hey, don”t look at me like that. I”m just trying to figure out what the hell happened this morning.”
”Yes, I called it off. What else should I have done? What would you do?” I all but beg my big brother.
”Birdie, I”m going to ask you a question, and I want you to be completely honest with me. Did you break up with Brooks because you truly believe you can”t make it work, or did you break up with him because you couldn”t handle the possibility of him leaving you in the future?”
Ugh, fuck me. Leave it to Lark to hit me with the tough questions and remind me of one of the last things Brooks said to me. Of course, I lashed out at Brooks for asking the same thing, and if I”m being honest, they”re both right. If my panic attack the other day wasn”t a red flag about my fear of Brooks leaving, I don”t know how I”m ever going to admit that I”m running scared of being the one left behind again.
”Watching your face right now, I have a feeling you broke things off with Brooks because you”re afraid of him leaving. Please just talk to me, Wren.”
Taking a deep breath, I hold it for a few seconds before slowly releasing it like I do in yoga. I use it to ground myself, and decide to admit what”s going on with me instead of running.
”Yes. I broke it off. My fear of him leaving me—for his cushy job and a woman who fits in his life more than I”d ever be able to—is too real and too big to convince myself that he might truly love me like he said he does.”
I can”t look Lark in the eyes. I”m too nervous to see what he thinks about how big of a coward I am.
Yes, my persona is of this bad bitch who doesn”t take shit from anyone and is fiercely independent, but that”s all it is—a persona. Sure, I have way more confidence than I did as a teenager struggling without her parents, but after having Lark, Meadow, Daphne, and River in my life, I”ve let myself feel and be more present. I quit keeping people at arm”s length and started letting them in, which slowly broke down my walls. I do need people in my corner and want the validation that I am loved and wanted. And I really fucking want that from Brooks.
”Hey, look at me.” Lark lifts my chin to meet his eyes. All I see is love and acceptance, which makes more tears spill down my cheeks.
”Can I ask you another question?”
I nod hesitantly.
”Are your panic attacks back?”
I gulp and look away, not wanting to tell Lark the truth. He is my biggest supporter when it comes to my mental health. After losing our parents, he immediately got me into counseling. He advocated not just medicating me and hoping things get better, but educating both of us and giving us the tools needed to fight my anxiety and panic attacks. Like I said, Lark is ever the fiercest of protectors, especially when it comes to me.
”I don”t know if they”re back, but I have had two. I had one the other day before the book club meeting, when the reality of Brooks being a professor and the new school year fast approaching, hit me. Chayse and Landon actually me through that one. It would”ve been a lot worse if Landon hadn”t seen me struggling and stepped in. Then I had one this morning. Brooks got the call about having to leave, and I decided to break things off.”
”Well, at least why you weren”t answering your phone or didn”t hear the girls knocking on your door makes sense now.”
Lark knows how bad my panic attacks can be. I basically black everything else out as the panic consumes me, body and mind. They can last a really long time if I”m unable to focus on my calming techniques.
There was no way the one this morning was going to be anything other than painfully long. I tried fighting it off for too long without using any of the techniques in front of Brooks that I was completely wrecked by the time I got to my apartment.
”Don”t get mad, but whether or not you resolve things with Brooks, I think it would be a good idea to seek out a new psychologist now that you”re a little more settled here. You know that once you”ve had one attack, the floodgates are open. Unless you start to practice your techniques and work through what”s triggering them, they”re only going to get worse.”
I groan and flop back on the couch, covering my face with my hands. Lark leans over and tugs my hands away. I glare at him, which makes him smirk because he knows I know he”s right.
”Logically, I know you”re right, but emotionally, all I want to do is to tell you to fuck off.”
Lark laughs, his head tipped back like I told him the funniest joke in the world. I can”t help but join in, which annoys the crap out of me.
Taking the pillow beside me, I smack him in the face with it.
”All teasing aside, I hear what you”re saying and I agree. Maybe you can help me look up some psychologists?” I shyly ask Lark. I can do this on my own, but knowing I don”t have to helps fight back some of that anxiety and panic still clinging to me.
”Absolutely, kid. So, did Brooks really tell you he loves you?”
I raise my brow at him because this is the last thing I want to talk about.
”Hey, not that I doubt it for a second. The guy was a head case for you already the last time I visited. I just didn”t know that he finally told you.”
” He did, but I don”t know if it was honest or an act of desperation. He told me this morning while I was grabbing whatever I could fine of mine as I was attempting to leave him.”
”Well, in that case, I”d say both. He was honest but also desperate to do everything in his power to keep you from walking away from him. I can”t imagine seeing you leave was any easier on him than you walking away was on you.”
”Shit, I didn”t think of it that way. But I still don”t know how we will make it work with him being there and me being here. As independent as I am, and have the ability to be, I”m way too fucking used to having Brooks here all of the time. Hell, the most time we”ve spent away from each other in the past few months was while we both worked. Even then, we”d both take turns stopping in to see the other. Knowing he was so close brought me a ton of comfort and made seeing him worth the risk. I knew that he was okay and that he was still here every day.”
”I get how that could be comforting to you. Having our parents ripped away when you were so young and then having your barely legal older brother stepping in was not a walk in the park for you. I did the best I could, but there is so much I”d change and do differently if I could.” Lark”s shoulders sag, and I feel like shit that Lark has these regrets.
”No, Lark. Please don”t say that. You were everything I could”ve needed and then more after losing mom and dad. If I”m being honest, you were even more present and active in my life than even mom or dad had been because you knew how much I needed you. You didn”t let my grief swallow me whole like I would”ve let it. You made me fight, and you fought for me when I couldn”t. I wouldn”t be here without you. Of that, I”m sure. As far as the panic attacks and anxiety go, you have about as much control over that as I do. You fought for me to learn how to manage them and live the most fulfilling life I could. I can”t thank you enough for what you did. Especially since you lost your parents too and sure as shit didn”t sign up to be a pseudo dad to a teenage girl.”
Lark has tears in his eyes as I finish my tirade, but I meant every word. We used to be so good at communicating, but at some point, we grew lax. As we both got older and I became more independent, we fell under the false sense of stability that I had everything managed, when in reality, I was just burying all my shit under walls while pushing anyone who tried to get close away. Which makes me realize… Everything I”ve been through the few days has been awful, but I”m still holding on to a lot of shit that I need to let go of before I can every fully give myself to another person the way I want to with Brooks.
”I can”t handle talking about Brooks at the moment. How long are you staying?”
”As long as you need me. I wasn”t lying when I said I didn”t have any clients today. I have a couple over the next few days, but they”d be cool if I asked them to reschedule.”
”Are you sure?” I know how hard it can be when you need to reschedule but don”t want to leave the client hanging.
”Positive. I”ll text the guys and see if one of them can check the books and get it done for me. I”m sure they won”t have any issues.”
”Thanks, Lark.”
”Anytime, birdie. So, if Brooks is off the table, what do you want to do? How about food?”
The thought of eating makes me want to puke, but II need to get something in my stomach.
”Ah, I forgot about how nauseous you used to get with your anxiety and panic attacks. But I also remember how much food helped once you got past the initial panic attack. Is greasy food still your kryptonite?”
”Yep.” I nod thinking about how The Tavern is probably the only place that will hit that spot right now, but there”s no way I can walk in there feeling the way I do now.
”Okay. Let”s order from Mav”s place. You can stay here while I go and grab it.” Pulling out his phone, Lark dials the brewery and places an order. Once that”s done, he walks over to my desk in the corner. Grabbing two sketch pads and a handful of markers, Lark plops back down on the couch beside me, handing over a sketch pad.
Knowing what he wants me to do, I flip to a clean page and let my hand take me away. This is exactly what we used to do when I was younger, when my anxiety and panic would be beating me. It”s what I need in this moment, and I will be forever grateful for my brother and everything he does for me.