Chapter Eighteen
Brooks
These past few days have been the worst I can remember. Being without Wren is like trying to breathe inside of a burning building.
The first day I got back was overwhelming. I tried to find everything I needed to teach the rest of Professor Martin”s class and get back into the swing of things. But that night was the loneliest I”ve been since I can remember.
I got so accustomed to sleeping with Wren that I spent the next few days tossing and turning. By the third day, I was functioning on minimal sleep and as much caffeine as I could consume. I was grateful that the class I was finishing was a 100-level and didn”t take much effort to teach.
By Friday, I”m itching to get back to Sparrow Falls, even though I don”t know what will be waiting there for me. My assistant manager has been checking in every day, giving me sales updates, posting on all of the social media platforms, and letting me know how everything is going in general. I was happy to hear that the fantasy book club went as well as the women”s romance club did.
I have texted Wren every morning I”ve been gone and every night before I attempt to sleep, but I still haven”t heard from her. I don”t know how to handle it, but it”s making me more and more desperate to get back to her with each day that passes.
Finding a woman to spend my time and, eventually, life with was never on my mind when I moved to Sparrow Falls. If anything, I was excited about getting the store up and running and being able to head back to my full-time gig as a professor after a few months. I figured I”d settle down, but it wouldn”t be for another few years. Little did I know that a raven-haired, tattooed vixen would completely change my life.
The worst part of all of this is that I know Wren loves me. Her fear of being left behind is standing in her way, making her run.
After my conversation with Cam, I realized he was right—Wren runs as a defense mechanism to protect herself. I was wrong for the way I threw her fears at her, which I know didn”t help me with convincing her that she was making a mistake.
But knowing everything I do about my little minx, I still don”t know how to fix it. The only thing keeping me a little sane is the updates from Meadow, Daphne, and even River. When Meadow called, asking me if I had heard from Wren, my stomach dropped and panic filled me. I told Meadow what happened and was relieved when she said she”d find a way to check Wren”s apartment, sure that she was just hiding out and licking her wounds.
When she texted me later, letting me know Lark had arrived and gotten Wren to eat and open up, I was glad Wren had her brother to lean on. It also reminded me of my conversation with Lark, when he gave me a little insight into Wren”s softer side. I wanted to text him for an update so badly, but I knew Lark wouldn”t betray her and give me any details she didn”t want me to have. Seeing as she wasn”t answering any of my texts, I was sure she didn”t want to talk to me.
Packing my bags Friday night, I wonder if there”s even any point in going back to Sparrow Falls. I”m just about to unpack and stay here when my phone rings. Seeing that it”s Lark, I almost drop it in my haste to answer.
”Lark? Is everything okay? How”s Wren?”
”Hey, man. It”s good to talk to you too. I”m great.” Lark chuckles, making me wish I could reach through the phone and punch him.
”Ha ha, very funny.”
”Sorry, man. Everything”s fine, but I don”t have long. Wren ran out to grab us food and will be back any minute.”
”Okay… So, why did you call?”
”I just wanted to see how you”re holding up.”
”Seriously?”
”Yeah, seriously. I know shit went down with you and Wren, but I like you and I like you for Wren. You are good for her and exactly the guy she needs.”
I wait, deciding if he”s being honest, but I never thought Lark to be cruel. If he”s calling to check on me, then he genuinely cares about how I”m doing.
”This has been the worst few days of my life. I hate not talking to Wren or being able to see her and touch her. I don”t think I”ve slept since I left.”
”Shit, that”s rough, man. I”m truly sorry you”re going through this.”
”Me too. How”s Wren?”
”She”s miserable, but she”s working on herself. That”s why I called. She fucking misses you, but she knows she”s got some shit to take care of.”
”I”m proud of her for that, but why can”t she tell me all of this herself?”
”Because she”s too afraid she”ll fall into you and let you lift her up when she needs to be able to stand on her own before you two can stand together.”
”What the fuck does that mean, Lark? I”m too tired to understand your riddles.” I run a hand down my face in frustration. ”Is there any point in coming back this weekend? I don”t really have to in regards to the bookstore. My assistant manager is stellar, and I have our entire POS system on the extra iPad I bought. I can order inventory from where I”m sitting now.”
”Okay, hear me out,” Lark cautions, which does not bode well for me. ”Wren”s a wreck, but she”s taking some serious steps to get better. When I say a wreck, I don”t just mean her trying to end things with you. She”s been a bit of a wreck since our parents passed. She was doing a lot better—or so we both thought—but really, she was just suppressing everything under her carefully crafted walls. The fear of you leaving broke those walls. Wren had her first panic attack in years.”
”Fuck…” I think of my little minx going through a panic attack and me not being there for her. ”Is she going to be pissed you are telling me this?”
”She might not be thrilled, but I don”t think so. She handed her phone over to me and knows you”ve been texting every day, but she said it”s too much of a temptation for her to respond right now. If at any point I reached out to you, she said she”d be okay with it. She just couldn”t handle me doing it with her around, which is why I”m calling you now.”
”Thanks, Lark. I really appreciate it. I was starting to lose my mind thinking she is truly done with me.”
”She”s not, and if she can get her shit together, I have a feeling she”ll be calling you herself.”
”Okay, so what does that mean for me in the meantime? I”m all in. I know she”s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. How do I support her now without making matters worse? Should I be heading back to Sparrow Falls right now, like I”m dying to?”
”Coming back is totally up to you, but if you aren”t needed at the store, I would probably stay put. I know you want to be here for Wren and support her, but she needs to be the one to come to you. You can support her by continuing to text . I tell her every time you do, and I swear that”s the only time I see a smile on her face all damn day.”
”Okay…” I try to let the idea of keeping away as the best way to help Wren sink into my sleepless brain, even though it”s making me itch since I know it”s going to be another week at minimum before I get a chance to see her again. ”Fuck, I really hate this, but I”ll stay away.”
”I”m sorry, Brooks. The texts help and reassure her you”re not leaving. Just keep doing that. I need to go. I heard the door close downstairs. Keep texting, and I”ll be in touch soon.”
The phone goes dead before I can even say goodbye. I fucking hate everything about this situation. I just want to be home and near my little minx. But until she asks me or Lark gives me the go-ahead, I”ll have to keep supporting her from afar.
I”m able to buckle down over the next few days, knowing that Wren is in good hands and being well taken care of even though I”m not there. Lark has been giving me updates, and I couldn”t be prouder of my little minx. It kills me not being there to support her, but I know I need to let her do this. So instead of telling it to her face, I text her every day to let her know exactly how I feel. Lark says she smiles every time he reads her the messages, so I keep sending them.
Knowing Wren”s okay, I”ve been able to focus on being the best teacher I can be, but something”s been missing. I don”t feel the same joy that I used to in front of a class full of students. Maybe it”s because it”s a summer class and therefore condensed, or maybe it”s because I”m teaching someone else”s material. But whatever it is, something”s just not the same.
Along with teaching Professor Martin”s class, I”ve been preparing for my own, which will start in a few short weeks. I was relieved when the dean told me that she didn”t see me working remotely being a problem come the fall semester. I was downright giddy that I would be able to get back to Wren and the bookstore. Seeing people getting excited about books every time they walk in the door fueled something in me that I didn”t know was missing.
Maybe my little minx isn”t the only one who needs to do some serious thinking.
WREN
”Fuck, I forgot how much therapy sucks.” I sniffle as I head out of the office to greet a waiting Lark.
I don”t know how the fuck my brother managed it, but he found me an amazing therapist who was able to see me that evening. Our first session was fucking awful and resulted in yet another panic attack, but it was also huge in helping my therapist come up with a game plan to move forward.
She”s only a few years older than me, and we instantly clicked. She”s a straight shooter and didn”t want to coddle me straight out of the gate but pushed me to get to the root of the problem, which unfortunately ended in the panic attack. It was probably for the best, though. She was able to help walk me through the techniques to halt the attack and get a better view of what she was dealing with.
After learning this was my third attack in only a few days after not having any for years, she took what I was going through very seriously. We ended the last twenty minutes of the session with Lark there. After all the therapy I”ve done, I was shocked that this was the first time a therapist sat down and approached my issues as a team. Sure, other therapists talked to Lark, but it was more so as my parental figure and not necessarily a partner and an ally.
We all agreed that it would be beneficial to see her daily for the next few days, to focus on getting the panic attacks under control. It”s been almost a week of daily, very intense therapy, but I”m making progress. I will forever be thankful to Lark for finding a therapist who listened when I needed her to, and for her ability to see that I was in the middle of a crisis and needed more from her than a typical patient. Who knew the gifts Sparrow Falls continues to give me would include all of these people coming together to help me take back my control.
It”s also been a week of missing the fuck out of Brooks. I can comfortably admit that I let my fear, anxiety, and panic take control in my decision to end things with Brooks, which I wouldn”t have been able to do a few days ago without the therapy. I still haven”t talked to him, which is slowly killing me, but I need to stay the course and keep up with my therapy. Brooks is too good at being exactly what I need, so I can”t risk using him as a clutch instead of putting the time and work in to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be.
But just because I haven”t talked to him doesn”t mean I haven”t heard from him. Not only has he continued to send me good morning and good night texts, but he”s also been texting me to tell me how proud he is of me for committing to my therapy wholeheartedly. He lets me know how strong I am for admitting I need help and taking charge to make myself better. He texts me to let me know how much he loves me, and maybe more importantly, why he loves me. Maybe the best part of doing this grueling work to get better is that I”m starting to believe that Brooks really does love me.
Wiping under my eyes with the back of my hand, I see Lark smiling down at me.
”I”m proud of you, Wren. You”ve gone through so much, but seeing you fight for your happiness, I don”t know that I could be as strong as you.”
”Damn it, Lark. Don”t make me cry again. I just stopped,” I tease him as I walk closer and bury my face in his chest.
My big brother wraps his arms around me before placing a kiss on the top of my head like he”s done since I was little.
”Thank you for dropping everything to be here for me. I couldn”t do this without you. Especially since I don”t have Brooks here.”
”You may not have Brooks physically, but he”s here with you.”
”I know. I”m ready to see him and talk to him again. I need to apologize and see if he”ll take me back.”
”Birdie, what makes you think he listened to you in the first place? The man blows up your phone all day long. Hell, half of his texts are him professing his love for you. Whenever you”re ready, he”ll be here.”
I smile, knowing he”s right.
My therapist and I spent a good deal of today”s session talking about Brooks, what my next steps should be in regard to him, and when I should take them. We decided it might be good to video conference him in for one of my sessions. The idea terrifies the fuck out of me, but I think it”s an important step to take. I need the security of distance and space to be able to say what I need to say.
I step out of Lark”s embrace and head for the door with him right by my side. ”So, I gave my therapist Brooks”s number. We”re going to call him tomorrow during our session, fill him in, and go over ways he can help me without enabling me.”
”Are you sure you”re ready for that?”
”No. But that”s more so because I haven”t seen him or heard his voice in over a week. But I fucking need to do this. I know my fear is what made me push him away, and I”m not letting it control me anymore. I thought I didn”t want or need someone in my life the way Brooks is, but I do. I want to spend every night with him. I want to celebrate each other”s wins and continue to fall even more in love with him.” I pause, taking a deep breath as I steel myself to say the words I so desperately need to. Turning towards Lark and making eye contact is hard, but I need his strength right now. ”I want to have a family with him.” I rush out the words before sighing.
Lark has the biggest smile on his face. He picks me up and spins me around, making me laugh as tears spill from my eyes.
”I am so fucking proud of you, Wren. So proud. Brooks is a lucky man and exactly who you needed when you needed him the most. I can”t wait to see what the future has in store for you two.”
”Thanks, Lark. I”m fucking terrified, but I”m also really excited right now. I”ll take that.”
Lark and I leave the office and head down Main Street towards the shop.
When Lark told the guys at his shop—the one I also used to work at—that I was having some issues and needed his help, they were all very understanding and wanted to be kept in the loop about how I was doing. It always makes me laugh that tattoo artists get a rep for being badasses—and some definitely are—but most of the guys I”ve met throughout the years and call my friends are all giant teddy bears.
Lark and I spend the rest of the day hanging out at the shop with the girls, and I even do a few smaller tattoos. Getting back to my normal routine has really helped battle my panic. Having Lark tattooing beside me again is just the icing on the cake. The girls covered for me while I took a few days off. Knowing I could leave the shop and my clients in their hands and that everything would be fine was a huge relief.
Lark and I finish up the day together and get tacos. It”s the best night, time spent with my family, but I can”t help missing Brooks. As anxious as I am to have this video conference with him tomorrow, I”m also excited to get everything out in the open. I”m ready for him to come home to me, and I will do everything in my power to make that happen.