One Bed

Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

G ib walked from the en suite into the bedroom, sighing when he saw Bea with her back to him, her palms under her cheek, pretending to be asleep. She lay on the very edge of the bed, as far away as she could get from him. Great, the Great Wall was back up, without the pillows, but still insurmountable. He walked over to the credenza, placed his phone on top of his state-of-the-art charger and looked out of the window, the full moon hanging over the sea. This wasn’t how he’d thought today would end.

Bea didn’t say anything to him on the drive back to the villa, and when he placed his hand on her thigh, as he normally did, she pulled her leg out of his reach. He knew she wasn’t happy with his response on the beach today, but what did she expect? That because she’d opened up to him, he could reciprocate?

Didn’t she know that if he could he would?

But keeping himself closed off, safe from ridicule and judgement, was a habit he couldn’t seem to break. God, she was so much stronger than him. She’d survived being a child forced to take on adult responsibilities, simply rolling up her sleeves and getting it done. He didn’t, not for one moment, doubt that Bea would rewrite her book, and do it spectacularly, because she knew how to bounce back, she’d been doing it all her life. She might say she was scared of criticism, of being judged, but, as far as he could see, she was pretty well-adjusted.

When they arrived back at the villa, she told him, quietly and with dignity, that she was going to spend some time with Golly and that she’d see him later. It was a quiet, dignified dismissal and he wasn’t surprised by her late return earlier.

‘Good night?’ he’d asked her.

She’d nodded, unable to meet his eyes. ‘Yes. You?’

‘Quiet.’ He nodded to the bedroom, needing to know. ‘Are you sleeping with me tonight?’

Her eyes slammed into his, bottomless pools of emotion, and for the first time since he’d met her, unreadable. ‘I’m sleeping in the bed, yes.’

Her ‘ not with you ’ was a silent shout.

He couldn’t deny it any longer, he’d fallen for her. And that was a surprise because he never allowed himself to do anything other than skim along the surface, to take pleasure where he could and then bow out. But while he loved making love to Bea – and making love was what they did –he was equally content to have her feet in his lap as she talked about anything. And nothing.

She got him. And he her. And he was fucking up something that could be amazing because he was a secretive son of a bitch. People thought he was so strong, a hardass, tough, business warrior but he knew he had no emotional resilience. He wasn’t even brave enough to get into the game. Bea’d fought a couple of tough rounds, and taken more than a few emotional punches, but she was still fighting, putting herself out there.

He was outside of the ring, watching, too much of a wuss to take a punch.

But how do you change something that is so deeply ingrained in you? How do you take a leap? Fuck, how do you even take that first step?

He rubbed his heart, feeling it beating deep inside his chest, conscious of the nagging ache. None of this was supposed to happen.

It was supposed to be a holiday, a time for him to recover from burnout, to re-centre and rest. But he’d run into Bea, and she’d flipped his world. She made him think, remember and feel.

He turned to walk over to his side of the bed and climbed under the covers. He reached out to touch her slim back. ‘Bea?’

‘Yes?’

He couldn’t lie in this bed without touching her. ‘Can I hold you?’

In the moonlight, he saw her shake her head. His heart sank, but then she reached back and, still facing the wall, placed her hand behind her on the bed, a silent but powerful invitation to take her hand.

He’d take anything he could get so he threaded his fingers through hers and held on tight.

* * *

The next morning Bea rolled onto her back when she heard Gib leave the bed. It was ridiculously early, a little past dawn. The sky was a cheerful pink, a happy pink, and Bea wished she felt the same way.

It was Saturday, and Gib was supposed to leave the island tomorrow. She so regretted opening that email from Merle and having that meltdown in front of him. If she’d ignored it, maybe she and Gib would’ve had a fantastic day on the beach, a romantic dinner, and would’ve spent last night and today chasing pleasure, and making memories.

But yesterday on the beach, when he told her he couldn’t talk to her or open up, he extinguished the fire between them, as easily as he would the flame on a candle. If she didn’t feel so much for him, if she wasn’t fathoms deep in love with him, she might’ve been able to carry on sleeping with him, to take what pleasure she could and then wave him goodbye.

But, as much as she wanted her hands on him, she couldn’t make love with him knowing her feelings ran so much deeper than his. Sex wasn’t enough, she needed more. Mostly, she needed him to trust her…

If he couldn’t allow her access to his heart, she couldn’t allow him access to her body. And no, she wasn’t playing games, she wasn’t trying to punish him, she simply knew the pleasure wouldn’t be worth the ensuing pain. When her orgasms faded, when her breathing settled down, he would still be unable to open up, to trust her enough to be vulnerable.

To love her. Because what was love without trust?

She watched as he pulled on a running vest and swapped his sleeping shorts for running shorts. He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled on socks, his broad back tight with tension.

They couldn’t keep ignoring each other , she wasn’t that strong. ‘I think I’m going to?—’

‘If you’re going to give me the cold shoulder?—’

Gib turned around to look at her, Bea scooted up the bed, and pushed her hand into her tangled hair.

He gestured for her to speak. Bea twisted the sheet in her fingers, looking past him to the lightening sky over the sea. ‘I think I’m going to move into the villa tonight.’

He turned back to pull his other shoe onto his foot and bent low to tie the laces. Standing, he placed his hands on his hips, a classic warrior pose, and faced her. ‘Don’t bother. I’m planning to leave today.’

Although his words weren’t unexpected, pain’s talons ripped through her soul. ‘You’re leaving?’

He shrugged, his face in shadows. ‘If you’re going to ignore me, I might as well.’

Her instinct was to apologise, to make things right, but she was better than that. She had to be. ‘I’m not keeping my distance because I want to, Gib! You won’t talk to me .’

‘I do talk to you, of course I do. You’re just pissed because I won’t talk to you about my past, about my feelings and shit. I don’t have to do that, Bea. It’s not a rule.’

His feelings and shit . His dismissive tone was nails on a chalkboard. ‘No, of course it’s not. But you know everything about me, and I know nothing about you. Do you know how vulnerable that makes me feel?’

‘It was your choice to tell me your shit!’

That was the second time he’d used the swear word as a euphemism for her feelings. ‘It was my choice, I’ll give you that. It’s also my choice to slam on the brakes.’

He scowled at her. ‘Are you thinking that if you withhold sex, I’ll cave? Newsflash, I’ve been having sex for more than half my life, and nobody has cracked me yet. You’re not that – fuck… ’

‘Special?’ she filled in the missed word hanging between them.

He linked his hands behind his head. ‘Why do women always do this? Why do you start off saying it’s a fling, that it means nothing, then change course halfway through? Why couldn’t we have had this, and maybe, when I made it to London, we could’ve hooked up again? Why can it never be simple?’

His voice was rough with frustration, but she heard the undernote of confusion.

‘I can’t speak for anyone else, Gib, but having you drop in and out of my life isn’t good enough for me. I want more.’

‘What does more even mean?’ he demanded, putting his hands on the bed and leaning forward. The muscles in his arms bunched, and the veins on his arms lifted. He looked tough, dangerous and demanding but so very hot.

‘What are you asking from me? Do you want a commitment? A ring? Babies? A future? Good God, we’ve only known each other for two weeks. Nobody makes crazy decisions like that in so short a time!’

Cass and Nadia did…

She shook her head. ‘I’m not that needy, Gib, and you’re the one who’s looking too far into the future.’

‘Then what the hell is your problem?’

Her problem. Yet again, she was being blamed for something she didn’t do, for something she wanted, for putting her needs first. Well, to hell with that. This was her heart, her life and if she didn’t protect it, who would? She had to write her own story, she refused to hand over that power to anyone else.

‘My problem is that you think sex and a couple of laughs is enough. That it’s fine for me to be emotionally vulnerable but not you. That it’s OK for me to feel exposed, one giant nerve ending, but for you to be closed down and shut off. You think it’s quite fine for there to be a different set of rules for me. If you didn’t want me probing and poking around in your head, then you should’ve stayed out of mine!’

He rubbed his jaw with his palm and covered his mouth with his hand.

‘I don’t think it’s OK for me to confide in you and you not to do the same. I don’t want a sex and surface-based relationship where we exchange a few text messages, and you drop in and out of my life. I’ve had a bad relationship before, Gib. My ex used me, and if I agreed to what you suggested earlier, you flying in and out of my life, I’d be allowing you to use me, too.’

‘That’s not fair!’

She lifted one shoulder to her ear. ‘You’d get what you needed from me –great sex, a couple of laughs, some superficial conversation – and then you’d return to your eighty-hour work weeks until you could spare the time to see me again.’

Not happening.

‘I deserve more than that, Gib. My parents put their needs before mine, and so did my ex. This time I’m putting my needs first. I want a guy, I deserve a guy who’s there a good portion of the time, someone to share my life with, to give me good advice when I need it, to hold me when my world is falling apart. But I also deserve to be with a guy who trusts me enough, who thinks I’m strong enough, to hold up his sky when it’s about to fall on him. A guy who will talk to me, seek my advice when he needs it, who needs my support. I want someone in the storm with me, not standing outside of it, safe. Bottom line, I’m not prepared to settle for imbalance anymore, Gibson.’

He slowly stood up, his eyes tumultuous. ‘I can’t give you that, Bea.’

‘I know.’

She threw back the covers and walked around the bed to where he stood. Surprising him, she wound her arms around his waist and placed her forehead on his chest. His hands stayed at his side, and he was board-stiff. She hugged him tight and stood on his toes to kiss his cheek.

‘Thank you for the best almost two weeks, Gib.’ She remembered the boy he’d been and dredged up a smile. ‘You were definitely more fun this time around.’

‘And, this time, there’s nothing easy about leaving you,’ he softly said.

Bea nodded. Holding her head up high, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

And then she started to cry.

While tears ran down her face, and pain soaked into her skin, Bea held onto the thought that when she was done crying, when the pain became a little more manageable, she’d start picking up the pieces of her life and start fitting them together. Some pieces wouldn’t fit and would have to be turfed, others could be reshaped.

A new Bea would, hopefully, emerge, better and stronger than before. She’d done this before –recovered, started over, walked down a new path, and regrown her heart. She could do it again. She had to. She had no choice.

She’d gather the pieces of her sliced and diced heart and tack them back together again. It would be smaller than before, but tougher. In time, months or years, so would she.

She hoped.

* * *

Late Sunday afternoon, Bea sat on the wall of the esplanade and watched the sun go down. Was it less vibrant tonight? The yellows weren’t as rich, the pinks and purples a little faded, the orange and reds wishy-washy. To be fair, everything seemed muted on the island since Gib left yesterday. The sun had lost a lot of its warmth, the wind was colder and brisker, and the sea choppier. It was like Gib had taken all the colour and intensity with him.

It had only been a day, but she missed him. God, so much. But although she was walking around with a hole in her soul, she knew she’d made the right decision. She couldn’t settle for less than what she needed, and she couldn’t put his needs above her own. If he’d been willing to compromise, to try and work on his reticence, if he’d even suggested he was willing to try, she might’ve backed down a little, but she hadn’t meant enough to him to even make that much of an effort.

Her fault for falling in love with him. So stupid.

In between bouts of tears, she’d spent a lot of time thinking about her life, and deciding what she could, and should, take responsibility for. Had her father stepped up to the plate and not been a self-involved git, she wouldn’t have rearranged her world to make people comfortable at the expense of her happiness. She was done with that. She was worthy of more.

While she was thinking about useless creatures, she thought she might as well work through any lingering issues she had with Gerry and her mum.

Surprisingly, she didn’t find any. She wasn’t, in any way, responsible for Gerry ending up in her mother’s bed. In no way, shape or form did she push Lou and Gerry together. And Lou chose Gerry over her daughter , and also used their sick love triangle for publicity. She didn’t miss either of them, and her life was better without their toxic presence.

Neither of them deserved another atom of her energy. Ever.

Bea stretched her arms and rolled her head, feeling the muscles in her neck stretch and lengthen. The sunset was fading, and the temperature dropping. She should think about eating a proper meal; she’d done nothing but drink coffee since she’d watched Gib drive off in his rental, taking her heart with him…

No, she wasn’t going to think about him anymore. She was heading back to London tomorrow, she, Reena and Golly were on the same mid-morning flight. She’d be in her flat by lunchtime, and she could get stuck into work in the afternoon.

She imagined herself in her two-bedroomed flat. Her double bed just squeezed into the bigger of the two bedrooms, and her desk into the small study, which looked out onto a frankly ugly steel and glass building.

The weather would be grim, rainy and cold, and the days would be considerably shorter. She didn’t want to go back to London. She wanted to stay here a little longer, and not only because she wanted to cement her memories of Gib. This was her happy place, where she felt she could breathe. But the lovely days of Autumn were over, the days were growing colder and Santorini in winter was as miserable as wet, dreary London.

Bea felt a blanket on her shoulders and looked up to see Golly standing behind her. She managed to smile at her godmother, and murmured her thanks.

‘Working out the world’s problems, Bea-darling?’

‘Just mine.’ Bea patted the wall and Golly sat, crossed her legs and pulled a cigarillo and a lighter from her pocket. She lit up and pulled in a long drag. The smell of the cigar was deeply comforting.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Bea spoke. ‘I think I want to step out from behind Parker Kane.’

Golly, damn her, didn’t even look a little surprised. ‘I thought you would. The best way to do that is to hire a PR person to manage that for you.’

‘Do you know someone?’ Stupid question, of course she did. Golly knew everyone.

‘Yep.’ Golly crossed one leg over the other. ‘What prompted this decision?’

She shrugged. ‘I’m just finished with things that don’t serve me anymore. I think I’d like to do book signings, go to conferences, be a little more public. Yes, I’ll be linked to Lou initially, but maybe the PR people can negate that.’

‘I’m sure they could.’

‘Also, I’m cutting Lou out of my life. I won’t have any contact with her from now on.’ Bea watched a speedboat skim across the caldera, lights blazing.

She wanted to live her life.

She wanted to stop hibernating, she wanted to make new friends. Maybe, in time, if she could get past her feelings for Gib, even start dating. For the last five years she’d lived a small, quiet life, and now she wanted heat, laughter and passion. She wanted to feel , even if those feelings hurt. At least then she could say she was living rather than existing.

’Bout bloody time , Pip said in her head.

‘Merle wants a rewrite of book nine. My manuscript wasn’t … great,’ she said, still a little embarrassed.

‘She copied me in on the email.’ Golly shrugged, not fazed. ‘It happens. Do the rewrite and, for God’s sake, get it right this time.’

Bea just managed to stop herself from making a sarcastic reply, something along the lines of ‘ yeah, because that wasn’t an option I’d considered ’.

‘Oh, and you’re fired, Golly. Making that call to the PR people will be your last act as my agent,’ she stated.

Golly grinned, showing the smudge of red lipstick on her incisor. ‘Fan-bloody-tastic.’ Bea saw the relief in her eyes and watched as tension seeped out of her. Shit. She should’ve done this years ago and allowed Golly the freedom to enjoy her retirement.

‘I’m sorry if representing me was a drag, Gols,’ she said, her voice quiet. ‘Thank you for guiding and supporting me.’

‘If you cry, I will pinch you,’ Golly muttered, but Bea caught the tears in her eyes. Golly hated feeling vulnerable and growled and griped when emotions got the better of her. Just like Gib did.

Golly stubbed out her cigarillo on the wall. ‘Navy Caddell would be a good agent for you,’ she stated and lifted her palm when Bea started to protest. ‘Navy is young, hungry and passionate about your work. His agency is new, he’s only repping a handful of people, and he is said to be brilliant at forecasting trends. Editorially, he’s not bad, either.’ Golly leaned forward, brown eyes shrewd. ‘He’s got the family drive and ambition, and he’ll take you further than most.’

Bea wrinkled her nose. That might be true, but could she work with Gib’s cousin and best friend? Navy would be the link to what she couldn’t have.

Besides, the man had seen her boobs, for God’s sake!

‘Now, what the fuck are you going to do about that boy, Bea-darling?’

Bea released a heavy sigh. ‘There’s nothing to do , Golly. It was only ever going to be a fling, and he told me not to expect anything more.’

Golly threw her head back and stared at the sky. ‘Dear God, give me strength.’

‘You don’t believe in love and monogamy and happy-ever-afters, Golly,’ Bea pointed out. ‘You’re strictly a happy-for-this-moment type.’

Golly looked at her. ‘But that’s me, Bea. I like variety and adventure, the thrill of falling for someone, the tension and the passion. But you, boring creature that you are, need a forever person, someone to grow old with. And the two of you could be very happy together. You should run after him.’

Now those were words she’d never expected to hear from her treat-’em-mean, keep-’em-keen godmother. ‘A), I absolutely will not, and B, the last thing Gib wants is a committed relationship. We only met two weeks ago, there’s nothing to make work.’

‘Apart from the fact that you two could power North America with all the energy buzzing between you. I knew you two would hit it off.’

‘How?’ Bea asked. ‘We could’ve looked at each other and wanted to hurl. And was it really necessary to make us share a bed?’

Golly tapped the side of her nose. ‘Call it instinct, but I knew he would be good to you and for you. I don’t want you to be alone anymore, Bea-darling.’

‘He can’t give me what I need , Golly. And after putting my needs aside for my dad, Gerry and even for Lou, I won’t do that again. I have to live in the world the way it is, not the way I want it to be. I can’t make Lou less of a witch, I can’t change the past, I won’t ever understand my father. And I can’t make Gib love me. All I can do is control my reaction to whatever happens to me.’

She let out a breath.

‘So I’m letting Gib go. I’m sorry he can’t be with me, but I can’t force him to love me, to give me what I need. I can only be grateful for the time we spent together.’

Golly picked up her phone, lighter and pack of cigarillos from the wall next to her and sighed. ‘There’s no getting away from it, your generation makes everything far too complicated with your desire to understand your emotions and all that self-improvement bullshit. Just shag the boy, and keep shagging him until you get sick of shagging him and want to shag someone else.’

Ah, to live in Golly’s uncomplicated world.

Golly patted her knee. ‘In the morning I’ll call a PR Agency on your behalf, but now I’m going to have a couple of G&T’s and then a lovely bottle of Bordeaux.’

‘Golly, you smoke and drink far too much,’ Bea quietly reminded her. ‘And despite you being an enormous pain my arse, I want you around for as long as possible.’

‘Another issue I have with your generation is that you have access to far too much information, and it’s made you scared and tissue-paper soft. Listen, I died once when I was five, and my mother told me to just walk it off.’

Bea rolled her eyes at her majestic embellishment. ‘Ten-four, dinosaur.’

‘So damn cheeky.’ Golly looked around, frowning. ‘Now where’s my fucking phone?’

Bea sighed. ‘You’re holding it, Gols.’