One

Chapter Thirty-Nine

DEFINING LUCK

LAKE

Having been hunched over in his chair, with his head in his hands, Luke finally looked up at me. Had I not been completely numb, I think the pain in his expression would have cut deep into my heart.

Did I still have a beating heart? I couldn’t feel it.

“I should have …” He shook his head.

Jessica rested her hand on his knee. Aside from Cage, the three of us were the only other ones who knew about my premonition.

I wanted to tell his mom that it was my fault.

I should have done more to stop him. Before the game I had talked myself into believing whatever happened was nothing more than free will … life.

Watching his limp body being taken off the field on a gurney changed everything. Guilt. That’s all I had. In a matter of seconds it sucked me in and swallowed me whole.

Hours later they finished their tests and moved him to ICU.

“Come on, Lake.” Brooke held out her hand when the nurse gave family permission to see him for the first time.

I stared blankly at her hand. Aside from my eyes shifting from one inanimate object to another over the previous few hours, I don’t think I actually moved from my deflated position in the chair.

If complete shock had a look, it had to have been me.

Even as the waiting room overflowed its capacity with players who came to see him straight from the game, I didn’t move. I couldn’t.

“Sweetie, you can go see him now.” My mom touched my arm.

My eyes shifted to her hand; it was something else to focus on until my eyes glazed over again, taking everything out of focus and back into the empty space of my mind where nothing made sense.

Jessica hunched down in front of me, taking my face in her hands with a firm hold. “This is it. This is where you sink or swim. This is where the survivors are separated from the victims.” She grabbed my leg, my prosthetic leg. “You’re a survivor. Get up.”

I’m sure people around us thought she was being insensitive. I knew otherwise. She loved me too much to watch me ever be a victim. There was a reason I’d idolized her for so long.

She stood and held out her hand. “Up.”

An eerie silence claimed the entire waiting room.

The numbness began to wear off, and the first thing I felt was a roomful of eyes on me.

My naked body circulated around the world in a magazine with a massive readership.

I bared everything to everyone without fear, yet I was so fucking scared to take the thirty steps that separated me from Cage.

I stood.

Jess squeezed my hands. “Strength acknowledges weakness. It has a healthy respect for it, but it never submits to it. Got it?”

“Got it,” I whispered. Turning, I followed Brooke to the ICU.

The look.

I refused to have that look. It was the look my mom and dad had when I came out of my coma. The we’re-so-happy-you’re-alive look followed with a chaser of your-body-is-so-messed-up look.

Brooke? She had it the second we walked into the room. I channeled all the damn strength I could from some unknown place and plastered it on my face to not have any reaction. It wasn’t easy, given the gazillion wires and machines hooked up to his body, his neck in a massive brace.

“Hey.” His voice was soft, a little labored, as his eyes shifted to Brooke.

“Hey.” She rested her hand on his. It didn’t flinch. “How are you feeling?”

“Not feeling much … of anything.”

I took another step toward him. His gaze cut to meet mine.

“Chapter Thirteen.” He tried to grin.

It wasn’t funny. I didn’t want that chapter in our story.

“You knew …” he whispered.

I didn’t. Couldn’t he see that? Had I truly known, I would have gone to absolutely any length to keep him off the field. The truth? I knew nothing and yet seeing him in that hospital bed, it appeared as though I’d known everything.

“Knew what?” Brooke looked at me.

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

She returned her attention to Cage. “The doctor told us it’s a spinal contusion and they’re going to run more tests tomorrow, but he’s hopeful that you’ll regain all bodily function after the swelling goes down. You’ll be back on the field in no time.”

I grimaced. How could she say that? What mother watches their son take a hit that could have ended their life and says that? I loved Brooke, but in that moment I lost a little respect for her. I hoped she said it for his sake and not for hers.

“We’ll see,” Cage said.

“There’s a ton of players in the waiting room wanting to see you, but they won’t let them while you’re still in ICU. Your doctor would like to move you out by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest.”

Cage chuckled a little. “He said I’m clogging up the ICU. Even a few patients that know I’m here want to come see me. Catheter bags, IVs, and all. It’s crazy.”

“You sound so out of breath.”

“Hit the area that controls my breathing.”

Brooke narrowed her eyes and nodded. “You won.” She smiled a little. “Your teammates out there … they’re wearing their Super Bowl Championship shirts and hats.”

Cage smiled. I hadn’t seen any sign of movement with the rest of his body, but he managed to smile in spite of the gigantic elephant in the room—he appeared paralyzed from the neck down.

Brooke was smiling. He was smiling. Me? I couldn’t take another second of it. That weakness? I was ready to acknowledge it, rather it demanded my acknowledgment. Running into the bathroom, I grabbed my hair and pulled it away from my face as I vomited into the toilet.

“Oh, Lake …” Brooke rubbed my back. “You poor thing. Here.”

As I unfolded my body, feeling a bit of relief, she handed me a wet paper towel. I wiped my mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like doing the same thing since they took him off the field. Nerves. Fear. It’s taxing on the body.”

Brooke was right. I needed to get rid of that feeling that had been plaguing me. It was ridiculous to fear what had already come to fruition. Cage was in the ICU, paralyzed—and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

I stepped out of the bathroom and shrugged as Cage eyed me, his brow furrowed.

“Could you give us a few minutes, Mom?”

She brushed her hand over his again, then smiled at me. “Of course.” The tears in her eyes didn’t go unnoticed by me. Brooke held strong for everyone else, but at some point she too would have to let go of her emotions.

“Thanks,” I whispered before she turned to leave.

I just stared at him. It didn’t seem real.

“Lake … touch me.”

My eyes inched up his body. “Where?”

He chuckled. “Anywhere. My chest, my arm, my leg. Reach your hand under the blankets and stroke my cock—just don’t pull out my catheter. Anywhere, just touch me because you look so fucking scared right now.”

“Aren’t you?” I fisted my hand several times before resting it on the blanket over his foot. “Aren’t you scared?”

“Out of my mind,” he said just above a whisper with a rawness to his voice that hung in the air like it was the first true thing he’d said since he went down on the field.

I feathered my hand up his leg and over his hip and stomach to his bared chest, resting between the mess of wires and electrodes attached to him.

“You’re clairvoyant.”

I shook my head. “I’m not.”

“You knew.”

“I didn’t.” Stepping away from his bed, I ran my hands through my hair, drawing in a deep breath as I turned my back to him.

“I didn’t know a goddamn thing. I felt it.

I dreamed it. I tried to hide from it—deny it.

Since Ben died, I second guess everything.

I live in constant fear of making the wrong decision. ”

Turning back to him, I pressed my hand to my mouth and slowly shook my head.

“It wasn’t a premonition about a plane going down that you could have taken a different flight, or a car accident that you could have taken a different route.

It was the biggest day of your career. If you wouldn’t have played, we never would have known for sure, but your career would have been over.

You couldn’t just not play because your girlfriend had a bad dream. ”

“Fiancée.”

I paused a moment then nodded.

“You’re not calling off the wedding for something as trivial as me not being able to walk or get an erection for that matter … are you?”

“Not funny. You’re trying to make a joke of something so …”

“The alternative sucks. If I lose my humor, things could get really bad.”

I didn’t want to smile. It wasn’t funny. “Screw you and your damn dimples.”

“I love how irresistible I still am to you even with ninety-percent of my body not functioning properly and the stench that has to be wafting from my sticky, sweaty body.”

“I’m sure the nurses are already fighting over who will get to give you a sponge bath.”

“Hmm … I’m partial to the blonde with blue tipped spikes.”

“You are, huh?” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t like to be jealous. If you’re not careful, Flint will be bailing me out of jail again for using my bionic leg to kick a nurse’s ass for touching yours.”

“I think my dick just twitched.” He blinked hard, but I was fairly certain it didn’t have anything to do with his dick.

“You’re in pain.”

“My neck and head have had better days.”

“Monaghan.”

I turned. The doctor who talked to us in the waiting room came in.

“You’re causing a ruckus in my ICU. The news of you has led to other patients requesting to see you, claiming it’s their dying wish.

And I’ve been told the parking lot has turned into a weird mix between a candlelight vigil and a Super Bowl celebration.

Half or more of your teammates and coaches have claimed my waiting room, even though they’ve all been told they will not be allowed to visit you until tomorrow.

So … here’s what I need from you. By tomorrow afternoon, if the swelling has gone down—which it should—I need you to move some body parts for me so we can transfer you to a different room, not in my ICU. Can you do that for me?”

Cage grinned as best he could. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The doctor looked at me. “He’s in good hands.

Of course you can stay, but I’d suggest you go get some rest because I have this feeling you’re going to be my greatest asset tomorrow to coax our quarterback into sitting …

standing …” He twisted his lips, looking at Cage.

“You might even be a walker. You think he’s going to walk for us tomorrow? ”

My eyes grew wide and flitted between Cage and the guy in the white coat with the most amazing bedside manner. “Yes.” I smiled and it felt real, like it held hope. “Otherwise, I know a guy who can make anyone walk.” I winked at Cage.

Thaddeus would have a field day with Cage. Hell, he’d probably hope for Cage to not regain full function just so he could show off a new invention and make headlines again.

“Go home, baby.”

“I want to stay.”

“You vomited like, twenty minutes ago. You need sleep and food before you come back to give me a shower tomorrow.” He grinned at the doctor.

I felt my skin heat with embarrassment.

The doctor kept his chin down, looking at his iPad. “Monaghan, if you walk for me tomorrow, I’ll let you invite ten women to give you a shower as long as you and your fan club are out of my ICU.”

“Just one, Doc. I only want one woman.”

I leaned in cautiously, letting my lips hover over his. “Monaghan … don’t forget to love me.” I pressed a light kiss to his lips.

“Impossible,” he whispered.