Chapter 40
SADIE
The sky dims as I pull into my parents’ drive.
I lost track of time, not realizing it was almost five p.m.
I run to the side door when I see the back of Nash’s head. He sits beside the firepit, watching flames snap into the sky.
He’s waiting for me to come home.
Guilt sweeps through me like a tornado.
Slowly, I walk to him, building my case of defense with each step.
I sit down, hoping he’ll speak first, but he doesn’t say anything, and I know I have to start.
“Sorry, I lost track of time.”
His gaze shifts to me. “I miss you.” Sadness coats every single one of his features, tripling the guilt I thought I felt before. “Even though I’ve spent every day with you since the accident, I still miss you. I miss the way we were.”
I lift my shoulders. “And I can’t even remember it.”
“I’ve been trying to show you. Remind you.”
“I know.” A chill runs up my back, and I shove my hands in my pockets. “But it’s not the same. I’m not the same. You want me to reignite a flame I can’t find.”
“You can’t find the feelings right now, but that doesn’t mean they won’t return with time.”
“Do you know how much pressure that is? It’s overwhelming.” Stinging tears pierce my eyes. “It’s hard to figure out who I am with that kind of pressure. I feel like I can’t breathe inside your arms with you watching and waiting for me to fall back in love with you.”
For the last month, I’ve been sheltering Nash from the feelings inside my heart and head, but it’s time for everything I feel to be in plain sight. My words need to unravel the unspoken realities between us.
“So if you don’t love me, do you love him?”
I don’t have to ask who him is.
“I’m confused.” I wring my hands, feeling the gravity of the moment. “The last thing I remember is loving Stetson. Then I wake up, and everyone says I have a different life with someone new. It’s just hard to wrap my head around those changes.” I drop my eyes, trying to find the right words to explain. “Imagine someone picked out a random woman on the street and told you that you needed to have feelings for her and share the rest of your life with her, but in your mind, you really—” I stop myself because I don’t want to hurt Nash more than I already have.
“But in your mind, you love someone else. That's what you were going to say, wasn't it?”
“I don’t know. Like I said, I’m different. He’s different. Everything’s different, and I’m just surviving.”
“And now you have me that you have to deal with. Some random guy that’s in the way.”
“I’m trying, Nash. I really am.” The tears unleash, wetting my cheeks. “I’m straining for feelings, but they’re not coming easily or as fast as you want. And I’m sorry.” My shoulders lift as more tears freely flow. “Loving you shouldn’t be this hard.”
“I didn’t feel this way alone, you know.” His eyes stare directly into mine, showing emotion and heartbreak. “Once upon a time, you loved me too.”
“I’m not saying that I didn’t love you or that our marriage wasn’t everything I wanted at the time. I’m sure it was. But…” Emotion builds, pausing my words. “My feelings aren’t where yours are. And I’m so tired of pretending and trying and failing and disappointing you. I can’t do it anymore.”
Tears fill his green eyes as my words sink in. “And what if your memory comes back, and you remember everything that we shared together? Then what?”
I shake my head, unable to give him an answer. Either way, the outcome is tragic.
Defeat clouds his features. “So I’m supposed to love you from a distance?”
“Nash, please,” I plead with him, begging him to understand and to be okay with what I need.
“Don’t worry about me.” He forces a smile—the saddest smile that ever existed. “I can let you go and still love you.”
His eyes drift across my face as if committing me to memory. He stands, pulling me to my feet, wrapping me in his arms. Even his embrace feels broken.
Nash holds me for a long time, almost like he has to convince himself to let me go. “Despite losing you, I still feel like the luckiest man alive because you were mine for a little bit.”
His head pulls back, and his hand goes to my face, caressing my cheek.
“Nash, you’re the perfect guy,” I say through trembling lips. “I see why I fell in love with you and stayed in Chicago with you. You were worth changing all my life plans for. I understand now how my life got here, and I don’t regret it.”
“I don’t regret it either.”
The way he kisses my lips—soft and quick—I know it’s our last.
Nothing has ever killed me more.
My dad peeks through the bedroom window. “Nash’s Uber just left.”
Another tear trickles down my face, rolling into my ear as I lie on my parents’ mattress.
“The hardest part is over now.” My mom sits beside me on the bed, running her fingers through my hair. “This is how you grow as a person, by making difficult choices.”
I stare blankly ahead, numbness taking over.
What if Nash is the love of my life, and I just let him walk away?