Chapter 41
NASH
It’s been one month since Christmas Eve, and the night I was forced to walk away from everything important to me.
Technically, I wasn’t forced. But leaving was the right thing to do, no matter how much I wanted to stay and keep fighting for us.
But no matter how hard I fight, I can’t change what her heart has already decided.
Sadie doesn’t love me.
At least not anymore.
She holds my whole world in her hands, and I just have to wait for her to decide what to do with it. Until then, I promised Lindy I wouldn’t text or call Sadie to see how she’s doing.
Or to see if she’s changed her mind.
Lindy said Sadie would contact me if she wants to talk. So, I haven’t reached out.
Everything hurts—my heart, my mind, my entire soul.
It’s a type of loss similar to death. I’m grieving Sadie like I grieved Nolan.
Our home feels empty without her here. My happy life discarded. The bright, shiny future, all those best-laid plans put in place, don’t work without her.
So when Jay’s text comes through one night after work, I feel my last shred of hope evaporate as I read the words.
Jay
Nash, Sadie has decided to file for divorce. I’m so sorry.
She’s made her decision, throwing me to rock bottom.
I fall onto my bed, curl into the fetal position, and sob for the love I lost.
SADIE
“It’s an extremely generous settlement,” Stetson says as he reads through the divorce papers.
Settlement feels like such a weird word, something you’d use for a business deal, not a loving three-year marriage to a man as kind and sweet as Nash.
“He’s offering a fifty-fifty split of all the assets, even his company, Superior Health.”
My eyes lift. “Superior Health isn’t mine. It’s his.”
“You’re a co-owner. So technically, you’re entitled to fifty percent of it. He was stupid to list you as a co-owner or not have you sign a prenup.”
I said the same thing to Nash a few months ago in his kitchen— our kitchen—the day he brought me home from the hospital. I said all those things before I knew him and understood the kind of love he has for me. I regret those words now and the way I mocked him.
“I expected some kind of prenup, you know, since you built your business before you knew me. It’s only smart to protect yourself and your assets.”
“I didn’t feel like I needed protection. I trust you completely, and I trust what we have together.”
“Sometimes things change.”
“But how I feel about you never will.”
“You can’t be that sure. From the sound of things, I’m a different person now than I was before. I have a jagged scar across my forehead and sunken cheeks. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the person you loved and married.”
“When I married you, I vowed to enter a contract of mutual decay.”
“Like, you said that in our vows?”
“No, I just mean that no matter how we change or deteriorate, we promise to love each other through it all.”
I shake my head, trying to stop my mind from thinking back to that day and what Nash said. The promises he vowed to keep that I couldn’t carry anymore.
Am I weak to divorce him?
In some ways, it’s taking the easy way out, but in other ways, it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. How do you look at a man desperately in love with you and tell him his love isn’t enough? Tell him that, despite giving you the world, you’re still searching for something more.
It’s pure torture.
But Nash let me do it because it’s what’s best for me. No questions asked. No huge guilt trip. He loves me enough to let me go graciously. I’ll forever be grateful for that. I’m not going to punish him now by taking half his company.
“I don’t want Superior Health,” I say to Stetson.
“But do you know how much money you’d be giving up?”
“I don’t want it. Take it out of the settlement.”
“I know you feel bad about how everything went down between you two, but you’ve beat yourself up about it enough. You don’t need to buy his forgiveness by giving up hundreds of thousands of dollars.”
“I’m not trying to buy his forgiveness. I just don’t want it.”
It’s not mine. Not really.
I give Stetson a pointed look. “Take it out and take out the Chicago house. He can have that too. Then I’ll sign the papers.”
There’s an edge of annoyance behind Stetson’s voice. “If you say so.”
It’s the right thing to do.
I may not love Nash the way he wants me to, but I still want what’s best for him.
SADIE
I sit in the backseat of my parents’ car, staring up at Nash’s brownstone in Chicago. Even though I know he’s not here, I stay in the car while my family loads boxes into the U-Haul trailer. All the furniture and house stuff remain with him. My dad asked Nash to pack up anything that was only mine, like clothes and belongings. Now that the divorce is final, this was the last step in severing our life together—a hard step.
“That’s all the boxes.” My mom opens her car door and climbs inside.
I hear my dad shut the back of the U-Haul and lock it.
“Let’s get out of the city, and then we’ll find a place to eat dinner.” She looks back at me with a smile. “Does that sound okay?”
“It’s great.” I put on a brave face even though sadness holds my heart.
Nash and I are really over now.
It’s what I wanted—a necessary step in moving forward with my life—but what kind of person would I be if I didn’t feel sad about how it all ended? Sad about the turn of events that upended both of our lives?
My parents said I didn’t have to drive to Chicago with them. They thought coming here might be difficult for me. It’s been easier to let them handle cleaning up the messy details of abandoning the life I don’t remember. But once Nash mentioned to my dad that he’d be out of town for a meeting the weekend they planned to come, I decided it was a safe trip I could make.
I’m not ready to see Nash. It’s all too raw.
Even though losing my memory isn’t my fault—just an unfortunate accident with sad consequences—the aftermath is hard to face.
Despite my ‘no regrets’ policy that I keep reminding myself, doubts still creep in.
Did I try hard enough to love Nash back?
Did I give up too easily?
Did I break him?
Those questions plagued me at first, but now that it’s been three months and things are final, I feel like I’ll finally be able to move on with my new life.
At least, I hope I’ll be able to.
As the car pulls away, I glance back at the house that was an important part of the life we’d begun to build together. The house that was once my home.
The warm glow from the porch lights is the last thing I see as we drive off.
NASH
“You can’t sell your company.” Lindy folds her arms, a severe expression lining her brows.
“Why not?” I dig inside a grocery bag, pulling out a box of noodles.
“Because it’s yours. ”
“Exactly. It’s mine, so I can do whatever I want with it, and I want to sell it.”
Her eyes follow me to a cupboard where I put away a few items. “Superior Health is your whole life. It’s all you have now. Why would you want to get rid of it?”
Because it reminds me of Sadie.
Because it doesn’t give me joy anymore.
Because I need to start fresh with a new life.
“Going public and selling the company was always the plan.”
“But after you sell it, what will you do?”
“I don’t know.” I lift my shoulders. “Maybe move somewhere different. Travel the world.” I smile, trying to be as convincing as possible. “It’s going to be great. I can do whatever I want.”
But my heart knows none of this is what I want.
SADIE
“I swear I’ve seen my Syracuse cap and gown somewhere in my closet.” I hop up from my spot on the living room floor and head for the stairs.
“That would be great if you still have yours,” Annie says. “Then I wouldn’t have to buy one for graduation.”
“Maybe you want your own,” my mom tells Annie as I climb the steps.
“I’ll just see if I can find mine.”
I rush to my bedroom closet, flipping on the lights. I swipe through hanging clothes until I’m sure the gown isn’t there. Then I move to the boxes. The first one I open is nothing but books. It takes all my effort to push that heavy one aside to get to the others behind it.
I peel back the packaging tape and open the next box. Laying on top is a framed picture of Nash and me, wearing fancy clothes at some ceremony. He’s looking at me with the most adoring eyes imaginable. I trace the edges of his face, feeling nostalgic, then gaze over my beaming smile as I point to an award I’m holding. I pick up the frame, trying to get a closer look so I can read what the award was for, but I notice the actual certificate in the box directly under the frame.
Staffing Industry Magazine: Forty Under Forty. Presented to Sadie Carter.
I know that magazine. It’s one of the leading magazines in the healthcare staffing industry. Every year, they choose forty outstanding people under forty who have made an impact in the business. They’re usually young, ambitious, and successful.
And last year, I was one of the winners.
I sit back as the shock sets in.
I won an award.
Not Nash or my dad, but me .
The feeling is incredible.
My eyes drop to the next paper in the box. It’s a printout of a screenshot of a text from someone named Harper, dated the exact date of the award.
Harper
I wish I could’ve snuck a video of how Nash looked and smiled at you a few times throughout the award ceremony. You could see how much he loves you and how proud he is of you. It was the sweetest!
If I could’ve figured out how to discreetly record him, I totally would’ve. He was so proud!
My eyes mist over. Nash really was my biggest champion and cheerleader. When I first woke up from my coma, I was angry at myself for how far off course my life had seemed to go. But I didn’t realize then how every decision I’d made led me to become a better, more complete version of the woman I always wanted to be.
And Nash was a huge part of that.
He gave my ambition new wings.
I dig my phone out of my back pocket and write the text I should’ve written months ago.
Sadie
Thank you for always believing in me. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand all the ways you enriched my life, but I do know that you gave me wings to fly, and I’ll always be grateful to you for that.
I bite my bottom lip, nervously waiting to see if he replies.
The dots dance, speeding up my heart.
Nash
I just wanted you to be happy.
One tear falls.
Sadie
I know.
I think about ending the conversation there but decide to give him a little more so he doesn’t worry or wonder.
Sadie
I’m working for my dad again at his home health and hospice and doing well there, implementing a few new things. Annie and I are going to Cancun for her college graduation trip. I can genuinely say I’m finding myself again. Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Nash
I wish you all the happiness you’re looking for.
Sadie
Same to you.
Sadie
“Hey, Stetson!” My mom waves at him as he walks down the dock toward our boat, holding a cooler. “We’re glad you’re coming with us today.”
“First boat outing of the summer.” The smile on my dad’s face is the same one he’s had my whole life whenever we’re on the lake. His love of boating is the reason we live where we do.
My mom reaches for his cooler and brings it into the boat. “No Savannah today?”
“Uh, no. We broke up last week.” His eyes flip to me. The pointed meaning behind his stare stresses me out.
Stetson dating Savannah for the last six months was best for my mind and heart. Right after the accident, murky feelings clogged my mind. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, who I was supposed to love, or who I wanted to be with. I remembered loving Stetson, but just because that was fresh in my mind didn’t mean it made sense now, three and a half years later.
I needed time to sort through everything, and his dating Savannah gave me that time. But now that the buffer between us is gone, my chest feels heavy with pressure. Just like I told Nash six months ago, I can’t figure out who I am while in a relationship with someone. There are so many missing pieces to my puzzle. I’m just barely starting to get them all sorted out. I can’t add more to that process.
That’s why I spend the next two hours doing whatever I can on the boat to avoid alone time with Stetson. If my dad needs a rope untied, I’m on it. When it was time for the first surfer in the water, I volunteered. But there’s nowhere to hide when Stetson walks to the bow to sit with me.
He hands me a bottle of water. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
“No, I haven’t.” I take the drink, putting it in the cup holder beside me.
“You’re a terrible liar.” He laughs as he sits down next to me. “What did you think about my news?”
“What do you mean?” The clarification is unnecessary. I know exactly what he means.
“About me and Savannah.”
“Oh.” My response is too big and dramatic to be sincere. “I’m sorry to hear you broke up. Savannah is great.”
“I’m not sorry.” His eyes glimmer in a way I’ve only seen a few times from him since moving back home to Skaneateles. “I’ve been wanting to end things for a few months.”
Months?
The way that statement ties my stomach in knots freaks me out.
“I just needed to make sure you were in a good place.”
“Me?” I swallow. “What do I have to do with anything?”
“Sade, you know what I mean. There’s nothing in our way now.” He reaches out and grabs my hand. “We can finally be together. Our story can pick up right where it left off.”
I glance down at Stetson’s fingers interlaced through mine—a familiar gesture I can remember. But despite the familiarity, things are different. Our story can’t pick up from here because it didn’t stop here. It kept going, and even though those years are gone from my mind like a book with a chunk of pages ripped out, they still happened, shaping who I am today.
I’m not the same woman anymore. I don’t know if I’m the old Sadie or the new Sadie. Probably somewhere in the middle. And part of being in the middle is trusting the decisions I made almost four years ago when I broke up with Stetson. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, since I found that award hidden in a box in my closet. I no longer second-guess the choices I made back then or hold them against myself.
I think about the words the hospital therapist said to me the day before I got discharged. Give the Sadie you don’t remember the benefit of the doubt. Trust that she made the right decisions with the information she had at the time. And then forgive her if she didn’t.
I’m slowly learning to take the doctor’s advice and trust that the old version of me knew something I don’t understand today. I don’t want to relearn everything I already learned.
I’m not going back.
Only forward.
I move Stetson’s hand to his lap and pull my fingers out from under his. “You’ve always been a constant in my life, and your friendship over the last few months has meant so much to me.”
His chin lowers as if sensing what’s coming next. “But?”
“I can’t keep living in the past just because that’s what I remember. I need to pave a new way forward. Try new things and learn about the years I can’t remember until I find who I really am.”
“I can help you discover who you are.”
“You can’t. Only I can do that for myself.”
“I hoped I was your new way forward.” Rejection colors his eyes. “I thought you were ready to take on more. Maybe explore a relationship and a future. Live life to the fullest.”
“My life looks different now, but it can still be full even with much less than I once had or wanted.”
“I feel like this is what you do. You pull men in then change your mind and push us away.”
“That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is you leading me on for the past six months.”
My brows drop. “I didn’t lead you on.”
“You came to my house on Christmas Eve, begging for who knows what. Then you divorce Nash—a pretty obvious sign that you were choosing a life with me over him.”
“Divorcing Nash had nothing to do with you.”
“I don’t know what else you want. I gave you space, thinking you’d be ready for a relationship by now.”
“Eventually, I will be ready. Just not right now.”
Stetson blows out a curt breath. “Sounds like it’s time we both move on from our past and what might have been.” He shakes his head as he stands. “I hope you don’t regret this again .”
It’s that statement that tells me I won’t.
SADIE
“Were you surprised by how Stetson reacted to your rejection?” Dr. Shinn asks at our next therapy session. I drive to Syracuse twice a month to meet with her. She helps me sort through the jumbled mess inside my brain.
“I didn’t expect him to be so cold.” I think back to Christmas Eve when I had an even tougher conversation. “I guess I expected Stetson to react more like Nash. To be patient and understanding. The fact that he wasn’t gives me a glimpse of why I might’ve broken off our engagement in the first place.”
“Do you still wonder about that? About the decisions you made three years ago?”
“Not as much as I used to.”
Dr. Shinn tilts her head, narrowing her gaze. “Why do you think that is?”
“I guess the more time away from my accident, the easier it is to see why I did what I did. I don’t question those decisions anymore. I accept them.”
“Does accepting your choices change how you feel about Nash?”
“I think it makes me appreciate him more.”
“Where are you today with the whole Nash situation?”
My eyes drop to my hands as my fingers slide across the vacant spot on my ring finger. “I’m not sad anymore, but I think about him often. I regret how it ended, but I’m glad it happened. I don’t miss him, but I miss the feeling he gave me.” My lips lift as his smile crosses my mind. “Nash was more than just this one guy I married one time. He was the calm in the middle of my storm.”
NASH
“Nash, you are about to be a wealthy man,” my lawyer says as the elevator doors shut in front of us.
I lift my lips, wondering if I’m showing the appropriate level of excitement for someone who’s about to sell his company to a private equity group for millions of dollars.
“What are your plans with the money?”
“I don’t have any.”
Laughter pours out of him. “You’re the only millionaire I know with no plans for the future.”
His words are innocent, but I still feel the sting of hurt.
It’s been nine months. I should be coping with life better than I am.
Actually, I’m coping just fine. I’m just not moving on or moving forward.
I’m stagnant.
Sadie once told me that’s how she felt about her life before she met me, and it’s crazy to think that I’m the one who feels that way now.
No progression.
I’m the man who’s going nowhere and doing nothing.
I rake a hand through my hair, turning to my lawyer. “I think I will travel for a bit. That’s what I’m going to do with the money.”
“Well, you’ll certainly have the means to. After you sign these papers, you can circle the world a hundred times before you’ll ever have to work again.”
Maybe then I’ll finally be able to move on with my life.
SADIE
“I’m leaving for the day.” My dad pops his head into my office.
“It’s not even lunch yet, and you’re done for the day?”
“You don’t need me here. You’ve got this place running more smoothly than I ever have.”
I smile at my dad’s kind words. “I don’t need you. I’m just surprised. You never used to take off early, and now you’re doing it all the time.”
He steps into the room, sitting in one of the chairs across from my desk. “As far as I’m concerned, this is your business now. That is, if you want it.”
“Yes!” My lips grow into a huge smile. “I want it.”
I think I’ve always wanted it.
“Great. It’s yours.” He claps and stands like everything is all settled. “We’ll announce my retirement, and you can throw me a big party after the holidays.”
“Just like that?”
“I’ve taken this company as far as I can. You’re the future now and more than capable of running it. What more is there to talk about? I’ll get Stetson started on the official paperwork.”
I scramble out of my chair and rush to him, throwing my arms around his neck.
“Thank you, Dad. For everything .”
SADIE
“Sadie?” My mom knocks on my bedroom door. “Are you coming down for dinner?”
“No, go ahead and eat without me.”
“What are you doing?” Her voice sounds concerned. “You’ve been in your room all day.”
“I’m just cleaning out my closet. Going through some old things.”
There’s a pause before she speaks again. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Alright.” She hesitates by my door for a second longer then leaves.
I turn back to the mess in my room. Pictures are scattered over the floor, and piles of notes, ticket stubs, and cards stack against the wall. The memorabilia makes up the fabric of the last three and a half years of my life.
Until now, I haven’t been ready to go through the boxes Nash packed for me. But after talking to Dr. Shinn this week, I feel confident I can face what was lost and, instead of feeling sad about it, celebrate the life I had.
It’s taken me a long time to get here. Almost a year to the day from my accident. There’s been a lot of mental growth. But I think the biggest has come in forgiving myself for things I can and can’t control, trusting my inner voice, and loving myself where I’m at right now.
It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready to fill in the gaps.
SADIE
It’s the first snowfall of the year. My parents are out to dinner, and Annie is at her place, so I have the house to myself. There’s only one logical thing to do on a Friday night in November, and that’s watch Hallmark Christmas movies.
I curl into a ball on the couch, searching through the movie options on my streaming app, when one movie stops me in my tracks.
“A Swiss Christmas.”
My body jolts up to a sitting position as I study the movie poster of a couple embracing in front of a Christmas market in Switzerland. There’s an obvious pull to the movie, causing me to immediately push play on the remote. I sink back onto the couch as I tackle thoughts about how I was supposed to spend Christmas in Switzerland with Nash last year.
I’m not sad about it. I’m mostly grateful Nash was so willing to do something that was important to me. It’s a rare man who can take a woman’s dreams and actually fulfill them.
A year ago, even a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to watch this movie or sit in these feelings, but I can now. I’ve come so far. I’ve healed and grown and forgiven and changed.
I would never want to repeat this last year, but I also wouldn’t change the person I’ve become because of it.
It’s been uncomfortable but beautiful.
For the first time since saying goodbye to Nash, I wonder what it would be like to see him again as the complete person I am today.
Would things be different?
Would my feelings for him finally have a chance to grow?