Chapter 48
48
Sunday, September 7
13 Days Since Coming Home
Something changes the day after I cry into my cake with Mom. It happens when I’m swimming, like an epiphany. I’m doing laps, and instead of telling myself that I’m okay, I tell myself that I will be okay. Maybe not today, but I’ll get there. I repeat it in my head, over and over.
I’m in the changing room, about to dry my hair, a process that takes a good thirty minutes, when I pause. I hate the blow-dryer. I despise the straightener. I’d rather put my time to better use. I step into the late summer sun with my hair damp, curls already springing up at the nape of my neck.
Things I want begin to fall into my mind, like a drizzle that becomes a downpour. I want to get a comfy couch and dining chairs that I like, and then I want to have my friends over for dinner. I want more time with my niece and more sloppy nights with my family. I don’t want to run anymore; I only want to swim. I want to visit my mom in BC again. I want to do more sewing projects with Nan. I want to work hard, but I want more fun. More mess. More people I love.
What I want when it comes to Charlie is less clear. I want him back in my life. I want to never talk to him again.
I get my film developed, and see that look in his eyes, over and over and over. I meet Percy at the pool in mid-September and we go for brunch afterward. I tell her I feel certain Charlie felt something for me beyond sex and friendship. She says she thinks so, too. She tells me to unblock his number, to give him a call. And I almost do. I want to tell him how mad I am. I want to compose a powerful speech, one that encapsulates how shattered I feel. I want to scream it into his voicemail so he can listen to it over and over. But whenever I try to figure out what to say, I start with “I’m so mad at you,” and what comes next is “I miss you.”
I throw away Trevor’s box of things. I host a small dinner party. I order takeout instead of fussing like I used to. And I don’t mind cleaning up by myself when I kick everyone out at one in the morning. I like it when my home is loud and full of people, but I like it when it’s quiet and just me, too.
I have Bennett come for a sleepover. I bring Nan to her first dance class since having surgery. She’s almost completely healed, and when “Dancing Queen” begins to play, we laugh so hard we both have to sit on the floor.
I spend a few days taking stock of my freelance work and make a conscious decision to scale back my list of clients so I can make time for my own work while still paying the bills. It’s easy determining who to weed out: From now on, I’m only going to work with people I enjoy working with. So I send a note to the art director at Percy’s magazine telling her I’d love to shoot for her again, and when I get an email from Willa, asking if I’ll take on another assignment for Swish , I politely decline.
But I’m surprised when Willa replies saying that she understands and asks if she can take me out for a drink. We go to a cocktail bar near her office, and she apologizes for what happened with the bathing suit photos.
“It was a new job,” she says. “I was under so much pressure from my boss, and I was worried about impressing him.”
I tell her I can relate, and that I’ll give her a second chance.
I meet Elyse to share what I’ve shot over the summer, and she gasps.
“I’m working toward a solo show,” I tell her, and ask whether she would consider hosting me at her gallery.
The question is only half out of my mouth when she screams, “Hell, yes!”
By the end of September, I’m more than okay.
But I still miss Charlie. I want to see him again. I want to yell at him.
I just don’t know what comes next.
The first day of October is a Wednesday. It’s a classic fall day. The sky is blue, the sun a plump marigold yellow. Every greengrocer has displays of chrysanthemums and pumpkins and gourds on the sidewalk. The coffee shop beside my studio has put out bales of hay for benches. I’d love to spend the day there, reading the sequel to Ruling the Rogue I bought at the drugstore yesterday, but I’m shooting a holiday entertaining story for Swish .
It’s a long day and a full set—Willa, models, hair, makeup, two assistants, food and prop stylists—and we’ve just wrapped when my phone rings. I frown at the name on my screen. Percy always texts.
I step out into the hall, shutting the door behind me, my stomach already twisting.
“Hello?”
“Alice, hi. I have some news about Charlie. Are you sitting down?”