Chapter 49
49
Wednesday, October 1
37 Days Since Coming Home
I take a cab to the hospital. I don’t trust myself to drive. I could barely process what Percy was telling me beyond the words open-heart surgery and intensive care .
“He’s okay,” I tell myself. Because that’s what Percy told me. I keep saying it, even when the driver looks at me in the mirror with alarm.
I walk as quickly as I can through the lobby, and then I start to run. I get lost in my panic. I spin around, trying to find the room number, and then I see a pregnant woman at the end of the hallway. Percy’s in a yellow hospital gown and mask, talking to a doctor, her hands on her lower back. As I get closer, I realize the doctor is Sam.
She raises her hand when she sees me, and I know how I must look, red-faced and tearstained, mascara running to my chin.
“He’s fine,” she says, hugging me around her belly. “Right, Sam?”
“I’m not sure how happy he is with you, Percy.” Sam turns to me. “But yes, he’s fine, given the circumstances. Ross procedures are major cardiac surgery, but Dr. Lim is one of our best, and she’s pleased with how it went. He’s more than twenty-four hours post-op and recovering well.”
“I would have called you sooner,” Percy says. “But they’re strict about visitors the day of surgery. I know this must be a shock. We wanted him to tell you. Sam tried to convince him, but he’s been adamant.”
I stare at her, open-mouthed. This was scheduled. Charlie knew all along he was having heart surgery. I put a hand on the wall.
Sam looks apologetic. “He didn’t tell us at first, either. Fortunately, this is my hospital, and there was no way he could have kept it a secret. But I’ll let him explain himself.” He gives Percy a meaningful look. “Another day.”
“There’s a nurse in with him right now,” Percy says. “He’ll move out of the ICU to the surgery unit tomorrow morning.”
I can barely process what they’re saying.
“He knows you’re here, and I’ll show you to the room when he’s ready,” Sam says. “But do you want anything in the meantime? Water? Maybe a Kleenex?”
Over the next half an hour in the cafeteria, I listen to Sam explain that Charlie had a stent in the spring in addition to yesterday’s surgery. I type aortic valve stenosis and aortic coarctation into my phone so I can look them up later.
“It came out of nowhere,” Percy says. “Sam forced Charlie into seeing a doctor back in March after he complained about being out of breath at the gym.”
“He’d been feeling faint, too,” Sam says. “His blood pressure reading was high, and his doctor found a murmur.”
I think back to the fear in Charlie’s eyes when he grew winded that day working on the dock, and to when I’d seen him through the window, with the cuff around his arm. He’d said his blood pressure had been a little high. I hadn’t given it much thought. I assumed it was related to work stress.
Sam tells me that the conditions are congenital, that they’re most often passed down from fathers to their children. “We assumed Dad died of a heart attack, but there wasn’t an autopsy. He likely had the same conditions. In severe cases, left untreated, they can cause sudden death.”
I look at Percy’s stomach.
“The baby’s okay,” Percy says. “The prenatal ultrasounds have all been good—it’s less common in girls.”
“A girl?” I muster a smile.
“A girl.” Percy smiles back.
But then I look at Sam. He seems so together, despite all of this. “What about you?”
“I did the screening after Charlie’s diagnosis. I’m clear.”
“It’s been a tough year,” Percy says. “But Charlie’s going to heal, and we’re going to have this little girl. It’s going to get better.” She looks to Sam. “Right?”
He kisses her forehead. “I swear.” And then he glances at the clock. “You should be good to see him now, Alice. Are you ready?”
I take a deep breath and nod my head. “Yes.”
Before Sam leads me to the elevator bank, Percy gives my hand a squeeze. “Thank you for coming.”
I squeeze back. “Thank you for calling me.”
“You might find it hard to see him like this,” Sam says as I’m putting on a gown. “He’ll be groggy. His throat is sore—he may not be able to talk much.”
I nod.
“I didn’t want to go into everything in front of Percy, because it makes her queasy, but I think it’s important to know what he’s been through,” Sam says. “The surgery involved making an incision and separating his breastbone. His chest will hurt. Actually, everything will hurt.”
It’s hard to breathe. Charlie spent the summer waiting for this. I think of how lost he sometimes looked, how sad. And now I know why he wanted a seventeen-year-old summer, too.
“It’s a complex surgery. His aortic valve was replaced with his pulmonary valve, and a donor valve was put in its place. During that time, his heart was stopped. There was every reason to be confident it would go smoothly, but…”
Sam looks away. I can tell he needs a moment to hold it together.
I nod again. It’s hard for me to speak, too.
“He’s no longer intubated, but there are a lot of tubes—in his arms, his torso,” Sam says gently. “The room is full of equipment. There are several monitors and beeping. It might be overwhelming.”
“You’re telling me not to freak out.”
“I’m asking you to try.” Sam places a hand on my elbow. “But it’s hard to see people we care about like this. Do your best.”
My nose stings at the kindness in his eyes, the way he knows that I care. I care so much. I look at the ceiling, blinking the tears away. I’m going to see Charlie after he’s had cardiac surgery, and I need to stay calm.
“Sorry. I’ll be okay,” I tell Sam.
He studies me. “Would you like me to come in with you?”
I shake my head. “I can do this.”
“Then I’m going to take Percy home to rest, but I’ll get her to text you my number. If you have questions after you see him, or anytime, just give me a call, okay?”
“Thank you.”
He turns to leave.
“Sam?”
He pauses, meeting my eyes.
“Who else has been to see him? Who else have you called?”
He pulls his mask down his chin, giving me a soft smile. “Just you, Alice. I think you probably know that.”
And with that, Sam leaves me alone in the hall outside of Charlie’s room.
“I’ll be okay,” I tell myself. And then I open the door.
Charlie’s eyes are closed. His hair is longer now, and his skin has lost its summer glow. He’s lying down, a blue gown loosely draped over his upper half. There are all manner of lines going into his arms and neck, along with IV bags and screens, just like Sam said. I ignore everything. I focus only on Charlie.
Not wanting to wake him, I quietly move to the chair next to his side, watching his chest rise and fall, blinking back tears.
Charlie hasn’t opened his eyes when he speaks. “Stop staring at me, Alice.” Every word sounds pained.
“How do you know I’m staring?”
“Because you can’t help yourself,” he croaks.
Slowly, he tilts his head toward me. Stunning green eyes meet mine, and I can’t help it, tears roll down my cheeks, dampening my mask.
“I’m so mad at you,” I tell him. “And I’ve missed you so much.”
He swallows, his own eyes beginning to well.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he rasps.
“Shh. Of course I should be here.”
Charlie’s fingers twitch as if he’s trying to move them toward me. I lean forward in my chair, setting my hands on his upper arm, away from all the gear he’s hooked up to. He closes his eyes again.
“You look good in yellow,” he mumbles.
Moments later, he’s asleep.