Chapter 32
Honey
My mom and Sawyer clean up everything from dinner while I put Noah to bed, grateful the movie had him falling asleep so he wasn’t up too late, all excited for Christmas.
Once I came back downstairs, my mom announced she was heading up to bed as well, sleeping in one of the guest rooms. Though, I doubt she’s that tired given she slept through most of the movie.
She’s always been terrible at staying awake while watching movies—must be where Noah gets it from.
I finish tidying up the couch, folding up the blankets and making sure the cushions all look neat.
Lightness breezes through my mind, likely from the brandy in the eggnog I probably had a few too many cups of.
All that’s left now is to put out the fire, get the place looking like Santa has visited, stuff Noah’s stocking with presents, and finally head to bed.
I need all the sleep I can get if Noah’s going to be up early tomorrow.
Plus, I’ll need to make sure everything’s ready for Gray staying.
Sawyer hovers in the kitchen, moving things around on the counters as if he’s searching for something to do, even though everything has been cleared up.
He’s hardly said a word since I came back down, somewhat withdrawn and not seeking me out like I expected.
He’s probably tired—it’s been a long day full of a lot of festive activities he usually wouldn’t do, I suppose.
Still, it was impossible not to notice the joy blazing from him through the film when Noah was snuggled up to him.
‘Did you want to help make snow footprints to the tree?’ I suggest, trying to grab his attention.
‘Sure.’ He shrugs and trudges around the kitchen island. I block his path to the door though, leaning against the counter, and his jaw tightens as he takes me in.
‘Hey, what’s up?’ I ask, placing a hand against his chest. He’s hot to touch, heartrate fast under my hand.
‘Nothing.’ He looks anywhere but me.
My hand climbs to his face, cupping his cheek and pulling his gaze back to me. This time, I catch the hardness of his eyes, the anguish there. ‘Sawyer, you can tell me.’
His voice is clipped. ‘It’s stupid. It doesn’t matter.’
Maybe I misread his reaction earlier and Noah snuggling up to him was a little too far out of his comfort zone.
‘I’m sorry if tonight was a bit much,’ I say, hoping I can pull him back since I know all these family traditions, cosy nights in with a kid, it’s not very Sawyer. It never has been. It’s been so good these last six weeks though, I don’t want to ruin it now.
‘Yeah, it was a lot,’ he admits, my stomach dropping.
Sawyer exhales sharply. ‘The pyjamas, snuggling on the couch together, just doing all this family stuff—fuck, it means so much to me.’ He runs his fingers through his hair, pulling at the strands.
‘I’ve never … felt like I was part of something, a family, until you guys came along. ’
Oh. My heart aches for him and I wrap my arms around his neck. ‘But that’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah but it also makes me angry because …’ He sighs, shoulders dropping with defeat. ‘Because it’s not true. I’m not your family—I’m not Noah’s dad. I’m not good enough for that. For either of you.’
My heart cracks. ‘Sawyer, of course you are.’
‘You know how badly I wish that was true? To hear him call me dad or daddy? To hear you say it?’
Okay, there was definitely more brandy in that eggnog than I realised because instead of focusing on his sweet sentiments, I find myself too humoured by his last comment and suddenly emboldened enough to tease, ‘You want me to call you Daddy?’
Sawyer’s jaw tenses, a muscle feathering as his eyes darken, all that agony from seconds ago wiped away. The flickering fire is the only light in the house, and its glow catches all his hard edges, emphasising how rigid he’s gone. The strong grasp he has against the edge of the island suddenly.
Does he … like it? That’s a thing for some guys, isn’t it?
My giggle bubbles out of me. ‘Oh my God. You like it when I call you that? Daddy?’
His hands are either side of me in an instant, caging me in against the island.
The cold surface presses into my back as I peer up at Sawyer, at the way his chest heaves, stretching his already too-tight Christmas pyjama shirt that is definitely a size too small for him.
It seems I underestimated his broadness.
Though, I’m not complaining, the material emphasises plenty of ridges and dips across his stomach, while the red colour brings out the gold undertones of his tan skin and dirty blond hair.
I think he might’ve been right when he said he can pull off anything, because Sawyer Nash is sexy as hell in Christmas pyjamas.
Which is heightened even more by how much he cares for my son.
Sawyer cautions me with strained words, ‘You’re playing with fire here, Blue.’
There’s barely a few inches between us and I need that distance closed. ‘Why?’
He dips his head closer, hot breath and moustache tickling my ear as he says in a rough whisper, ‘Because you’re going to drive me crazy and make me wanna fuck you right here in the kitchen when your family is upstairs.’
My lips pop open, not at his filthy admission, but at the desire that instantly slices through me. The need that screams, do it, please, inside of my core. The darkness of the room, the scandalous nature of the suggestion—it beckons me with a crooked finger.
Okay, note to self, brandy makes me horny.
‘I can be quiet,’ I suggest, letting my fingers toy with the hem of his pyjama shirt.
I’m not sure he understands how sexy it is that he chose to put these on despite how garish they are.
The backs of my nails graze his toned abdomen, making the muscles tighten.
Even in the dim firelight I can see where he strains against his pants, and it has my mouth watering.
Sawyer groans quietly as I filter my fingers under his top, feeling out the ridges in his hard muscles. He’s so strong. So stable. Everything I could ever want.
‘Blue, please,’ he begs. ‘You’re killing me.’
My mind swims with mirth and desire, too easily led by them both to worry about consequences. This is what he does to me—lets me follow my desires freely without judgement. I don’t have to hold back, don’t have to fear being judged when I haven’t had the chance to experiment with what I like.
I whisper, batting my lashes up at him, ‘I remember a time when you were all about breaking the rules.’
He spins me around then, pinning me in place against the counter with his hips, hard erection pressing into my ass. One hand grips my hip, fingers digging into the flesh, while the other sweeps my hair behind my neck, letting him press a hot kiss there. Shivers swarm my body.
‘This what you want, Blue?’
‘Yes … Daddy.’
‘Fuck,’ Sawyer grits out before raking his teeth across the column of my neck.
I can’t help the gasp that escapes, and I throw my hand over my mouth. Sawyer’s deep chuckle reverberates through my bones, zapping straight to my core, evidence that he’s truly the one with the power here. His tongue runs back up my neck, where his teeth had been.
‘You don’t understand what that word does to me,’ he says as he tugs my pyjama pants and underwear down together, leaving my ass bare. He palms one of my cheeks, squeezing the flesh as he groans. ‘What you do to me.’
‘Tell me,’ I say, voice breathy as his fingers slide along my centre, seeking out my clit. When he reaches it, he begins to slowly circle, increasing the pressure as he goes.
He hums in my ear as he plays with me, ‘You drive me crazy, Blue. Your curves, your smile, your baby blues—not a day goes by I don’t think of them. Been that way for the last decade. Filthy thoughts of you in my mind when I’m alone at night and—fuck.’
He hisses when his fingers swipe through my arousal. It’s followed by a sucking noise and another groan as he tastes what I’ve left on his fingers.
‘I need to be inside of you,’ he rasps, releasing his hand to pull down his pants. His thick length replaces his hand then, sliding between my clenched thighs, the ache inside of me growing.
Sawyer notches himself at my entrance, a hand closed around the soft flesh of my hip. Every inch of me is on fire, begging for him to just thrust.
But instead, he curses. ‘Hold on, I need to get a—’
‘You don’t,’ I follow up, driven by my all-consuming desire.
‘What?’
I’ve wanted this for a while now, and it feels right to finally allow it tonight. ‘You don’t have to. I’m on birth control.’ I turn my head to catch his eyes, reaching behind me to run my hand through his hair. ‘I want to feel all of you.’
‘Fuck, Blue.’ He grips my chin, twisting me further so he can kiss me. His tongue plunders my mouth, taking everything he can. ‘Do you realise how many times I’ve dreamed of being able to feel you like that? All hot and wet and tight around me.’
Need aches between my legs as the tip of his hard, thick cock nudges at my entrance. The anticipation for when he slides inside me excruciating.
‘Please,’ I whimper.
‘I’ll give you anything, Blue.’ And with that, he thrusts home. The way he stretches me, my body accommodating to his size, is too delicious, leaving me breathless until he’s slowly worked his way in to the hilt. His head rests on my shoulder. ‘Jesus, you feel like heaven.’
I can’t help but wiggle my hips, needing to feel some kind of friction to alleviate the overwhelming fullness. Sawyer chuckles, all raspy and calculated, and doesn’t give me a second to prepare before he starts thrusting powerfully into me, covering my mouth because I don’t get there quick enough.
My moans are silenced by his hand, allowing me to focus on the sparks rippling through me with every slide of his hard cock.
He takes total control of my body, guiding my hips to match his rhythm and keeping me in place, letting me float off into the rising wave of pleasure with the delicious knowledge that he’ll take care of me.
‘Need to feel them,’ Sawyer grunts out, frantically lifting my top until my breasts are spilling out, the cooler air immediately making them tighten. He caresses them, using his grip on them to pull me back into his thrusts too. ‘Fucking love your body, Blue. So damn soft. So damn beautiful.’
His movements stutter, becoming sloppy and uncontrolled, like he’s too overwhelmed by my breasts to keep up his rhythm and somehow that has me burning up even hotter inside. Knowing I’m the one that has this cowboy losing his cool.
Suddenly, Sawyer hooks his hand under my thigh, lifting it up so it’s resting against a stool.
His next thrust hits me even deeper, given further access by my more open position.
My body tenses to a point of pain from the intense pleasure.
It’s unbearable, but also glorious. Every thrust has my limbs shaking, and I collapse against the countertop, the cold surface making me jolt as my breasts meet it.
‘Call me it again,’ Sawyer demands, leaning over my body. His strong grasp on my hips pulls me back onto his cock to meet every one of his thrusts.
‘Daddy,’ I whimper out, knowing exactly what he wants.
‘Fuck.’ He speeds up his pace, his breaths coming out in quick, sharp exhales. ‘That’s right. You like it too, don’t you, sweetheart?’
‘Mhm.’ I do, so much so, just saying it has the pressure inside my core building faster. I could finish so easily like this, the angle making his cock slide against me exactly where I need it each time. I just need him to—‘Sawyer.’
‘I’ve got you, sweetheart.’ He immediately shifts, releasing a hand from my hip to slide under my stomach and press against my clit. His circling is frantic and forceful, my eyes fluttering closed as I struggle to comprehend how it’s possible for someone to create such pleasure.
‘Fuck, you’re getting so tight, Blue.’ His voice is a strangled whisper. ‘You gonna be a good girl and come on my cock?’
It’s all I need—to hear his voice beside me as I let myself fall into the waiting pool of pleasure that is my climax.
I’m grateful for his hand over my mouth when my orgasm wracks my body, shockwaves following as Sawyer continues to thrust through it all. I tremble under his strong hands, body loose and spent even as it still screams with pleasure.
‘Jesus, Blue, you’re so fucking beautiful.
’ Sawyer palms my ass again, then runs his hand up my back, my arm, until his fingers intertwine with mine and our hands are flattened against the counter.
Like he needs to be as connected as possible to me when he lets go.
‘I’m so close. Want me to fill you up, Blue? ’
Oh God, yes. Why do I want that so badly?
‘Yes,’ I breathe out. ‘I need it.’
His fingers twitch against mine. ‘That right? I always knew you were a filthy girl deep down.’
‘Only for you,’ I say—and that does it.
His grip sinks into my hip as he doubles over with a stifled grunt, head resting against my back with one final slam into me. His cock twitches inside of me, the heat of his climax spilling, and the intense satisfaction I get from the sensation is unexpected, but entirely welcome.
We lie like that, against the cool surface of the counter, the weight of him on top of me keeping me covered and safe, until our breaths calm down. Sawyer kisses down my back and then he finally pulls himself out.
His climax starts to run down my legs, but before I can move, his fingers are there, swiping it up and pushing it back inside of me as he groans, ‘Fuck, Blue. You look so pretty with my cum dripping out of you.’
Lazily he plays with me, making a mess of the mix of both our orgasms. It should be filthy, should make me feel dirty, but there’s almost something reverent about the way he touches me now. I check over my shoulder and there he is, eyes filled with something akin to wonder as he watches me.
‘I want it all, Blue,’ he starts, dropping to his knees to press a kiss to my thigh. ‘All of it—a family. You, me, Noah, and too many babies to handle. Want them running all over the place.’
He swallows thickly, tongue wetting his lips as the words seem to hover there.
‘I love you, Blue. I love you and Noah and it scares me so fucking much, but I’m here.
I’m not running. Because this ain’t our last rodeo.
I’ll keep getting up each time I fall, I’ll keep riding and fighting until I’m worthy of your love. ’
Tightness winds in my chest at his admission, a sensation of complete wholeness taking residence there.
My hand finds his jaw and he turns his eyes up to me, devotion shining in them.
He tilts his head to kiss my palm. ‘You don’t have to fight anymore, Sawyer.
Because I love you too. You were always worthy of my love. Always will be.’
That has him suddenly standing, and before I know it he’s throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me into his bedroom with the intent of showing me just how much he loves me all through the night. Pretending to be Santa will have to wait.