Chapter 33 Lottie #2
“Yes, but not in the way you think. I wouldn’t ever go back to Finn.
Like, ever. Even if he wanted me back, I would never be able to be with a man who so easily cast me aside.
” Even if I really was, well… easily cast-asideable.
“But it’s a part of my life that failed, just like work.
And that isn’t something easy to face, you know?
I’ve spent the better part of the last few years recovering from it, figuring out what my next move should be.
And just when I think I’m getting my shit together…
It’s there. She’s there. The sweetest person I ever worked with, but a reminder that, despite how hard we’ve been working these past couple of months, I already failed once before.
And I just wanted to give myself clout. Wanted to emphasize that I was here on business and not just on a romantic weekend getaway with some guy I’ve been sleeping with. ”
Scoffing, he drops my hands and walks away, shaking his head. I hear him mutter something that sounds like “…some guy I’m sleeping with…”
“I… That’s not what I meant. You know that I—”
“You what?” He turns the full force of his blue eyes, fiery ice, on mine. “Know that I’m just some guy you’re sleeping with?”
“You’re not some guy. But even you just said not ten minutes ago that we’re sleeping together.”
“Yeah. That they could tell we’re sleeping together, yes, for sure. But not that I’m just some guy—”
“Would you please stop saying it like that?”
“Jesus, Lottie. What the hell are we even doing here?”
Horrified, I stare at him with widened eyes. “I… I…”
“I care about you. I want to be with you. I’ve shared things with you that I would never— ” He drags a hand over his face. “But am I just some guy you’re fucking? Is that what this is for you?”
I can’t breathe. It’s like all the oxygen in the room has suddenly been sucked out of the room, the B&B, the entire goddamn planet. My heart beats a fast rhythm in my chest, the sound so loud it’s almost deafening.
I squeeze my eyes shut, digging my hands in my hair as I try to calm myself, steady my breathing. Because of course I care about him, but we had an arrangement. And I didn’t want to fall for him. I never meant to fall for him.
Goddammit. I fell for him.
“We agreed. We agreed to keep it—”
“I swear, if I have to hear you say the word casual one more time, I’m gonna lose it.”
“Knox…”
He takes a deep breath. “Sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. It’s—It’s what I agreed to in the beginning. What we agreed to. But... Lottie. Things have changed. Haven’t they? Because they have for me.”
My lips tremble, a sob caught in my throat. “Yes, they’ve changed.” It’s all I can manage right now.
“Do you care about me?” he asks, brows furrowed.
“Of course I do. What are you even talking about? How could you ever believe otherwise?”
“Because if we’re sleeping together and you say you care about me, then what’s left to discuss?”
There’s… so much left to discuss. So much I haven’t said. So much I need to say.
“But—the age difference.”
He looks at me like I’m crazy, because at this point, I’m just grasping at straws. In the two months we’ve been together, I can’t remember the age thing ever really being a problem. Not really.
“Are you seriously using that as an excuse?”
I take a deep, sharp breath.
“No,” I whisper, because it is a pathetic excuse, I realize now. Especially after all this time.
“So? Are we together or not?” he asks, panting, every muscle in his body tense as if he were bracing himself for a huge blow.
“I—Yes, but—”
“No. No buts. Yes or no, Lottie. Because I’m here.
I’m in this. I want to be here. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.
I don’t want to kiss or fuck or hold anyone but you.
I want to share my days with you. I don’t want to expiration date anymore.
I don’t want this to be a for now. I want us to figure things out together. To make this long-term.”
But there’s so much I can’t give you. There’s so much we need to discuss. There’s so much that doesn’t fit.
I can’t have kids. And you’ll want them some day.
But I can’t make the words come out of my mouth. The best I manage is “There’s so much we don’t know about each other, still.” I feel a tear stream down my cheek, which he catches with his thumb just in time.
“We have time to get to know each other. We’ll learn. We’ll grow. And we’ll do it together.” He wraps his arms around my waist, which I’m incredibly thankful for because I feel myself losing my footing.
Ever the coward, I swallow hard once and ask “What about your job? You travel for a living. You don’t even have a permanent residence—not really. The only reason you probably haven’t left is because we’ve been working on the damn store.”
He shrugs nonchalantly, unbothered by the concept of having an income or stability.
“Not a big deal. It’s because I don’t have a set home base that this will make things easier.
I can even take shorter projects so I can spend more time with you.
” He swallows hard once, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
“Wherever you are will be my home base. If you’ll have me.
Even when you move to New York. I don’t care about where I set my roots, so long as they’re where you are. ”
I press my hands to his chest as my breath catches, feeling his heart beat a steady rhythm beneath my palms. I keep my gaze on my fingertips, doing everything to avoid the smoldering look in his eyes I know he’s giving me.
“So we’re just going to do this?” I ask, a little dazed, a lot in awe.
He laughs softly. “Be in a relationship?” he asks, pressing his lips just below my ear. His hot breath tickles as he speaks, making me weak-kneed. His arms tighten around my waist, pulling me closer to his chest, and suddenly, I really don’t mind.
“A real one.”
“Yeah, I think that’s the next logical step here.” I can practically feel his smile against my delicate skin.
“I…” I can’t breathe. And I know I need to tell him.
I know I need to say the important part.
But the truth is, I’ve never been this happy.
Not really. And the thought of having to ruin this with reality—with the entire truth—is a little heartbreaking.
Being with Knox hasn’t just been a breath of fresh air, it’s made me feel seen.
Understood. I’m not ready to give up the happiness of being with someone who cares about me, who I care so deeply about, by telling the truth.
And I know it’s selfish, and I know I’m just delaying the inevitable.
But as I stand there in his arms, his lips pressed to my ear as he whispers how much he cares about me, how often he thinks of me, how he never wants to let this go, I decide I don’t care anymore.
I’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.