Chapter 36 Lottie
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
LOTTIE
“…Ialso spoke to Daniel. Told him that the painters had finished a couple of days ago and that I’d be taking pictures of the space tomorrow for the listing.
I have some lighting equipment I brought with me.
Not my best stuff, but it’ll work. So we should be able to do that,” Knox says, his hands on my hips.
I slip the key in the lock, still shaken from my earlier conversation with my brother.
But Knox doesn’t seem to notice my distress, too distracted by our to-do list—and honestly, still probably on a sugar high from all the cake and treats from the birthday party.
When I push the door to my loft open, breaking free from his grasp, I immediately toe my shoes off and hang his leather jacket on one of the hooks. I’m three seconds away from making a run to the bathroom so I can cry in the privacy of my own shower.
“Knox—”
“And then I guess with Walter’s apartment, we’re almost there.
The wall between the store and the stairs has been shut, and the street entrance is done.
So we’re good there. I need to finish clearing everything out before putting it on the market, but we should have time to do that before we move, right?
Or do you have a specific timeline? Because that’s cool, too.
I just need to let my agent know, because she found me this job—it’s just a two-week assignment—but I do need to let her know soon.
She also offered a three-month one, but I told her I won’t be taking those anymore.
Of course those bring in more money, but I don’t need much to survive, so—”
“Knox.”
He hears the urgency in my voice and immediately stops.
“I’m—I’m tired. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
“Oh. Okay.” He kisses the tip of my nose and slips off his shoes, setting them beside mine. And what once made my heart flutters, what once made me crave this domesticity, now rips at my chest. Because I know what’s coming. I know what needs to be done.
“I’m just a little wired, you know? Excited about what’s coming.” He wraps his arms around my waist, grinning down at me like I’m some coveted prize he’s just fought for and won.
Like I’m everything.
And I can’t handle keeping him in the dark anymore, because Ale is right. It’s time to come clean. Tomorrow, though. Tonight, I just want to enjoy the time we have. I want to—
“I love you.”
The metaphorical glass shatters, sharp pieces everywhere.
Air. I need air. I can’t breathe. “W-What did you just say?”
His eyes travel all over my face, ice-blue, but warm all over. “I love you, Lottie. I can’t wait for us to take this next step together.”
“You… You love me?” I don’t know why I sound surprised, because I shouldn’t be. He agreed to move with me to New York. You don’t just do that for anyone. You don’t agree to uproot your life all willy nilly.
He huffs out a laugh, tightening his grip around me. “Of course I do.” “I—I…” I have nothing to say.
No. That’s not true. I have so much I should say, but nothing I want to.
Seconds that feel like hours drag on, his expectant gaze on me. Suddenly, his arms feel more like a net ensnaring me rather than a comforting hold. I push out of his grip and turn away, needing the space.
“You… You don’t feel the same way.” His voice is low, resigned. Heartbroken. I have to swallow back a sob.
“That’s not it,” I whisper. “It’s just… I… Before I say it back, before we move forward with our relationship, I need to tell you something.”
“You’re making me nervous.”
I laugh once and turn back to look at him. I’m the one shaking, here. “Yeah.”
“Okay. So… spit it out, then. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Because there’s very little you could say that would ever make me think twice about being with you.
I know you joked about serial killers before, but honestly, the way I feel about you, I’m pretty sure I could live with that too because—”
“I can’t have kids.” There’s a pause while he waits for me to elaborate.
“Those health problems I told you about? Well, I’m fine and everything, but…
But it means I can’t have kids. I have this thing—well, a couple of things, actually.
I have endometriosis and PCOS—that’s polycystic ovarian syndrome.
And it comes with a bunch of issues, like severe pain and bloating and other stuff, but also includes fertility issues.
And it’s not like you can’t have kids when you have either of them, but I have both and from what my doctors have said, it’s pretty much impossible in my case because they’re both pretty severe.
So… I can’t have kids. I’ll never have kids. ”
He freezes. Stares back for a second. Scratches the side of his nose. “That’s… That’s it?”
I recoil. “‘That’s it’? How can you act like it’s nothing?”
“I mean, it sucks that you’re in pain and it explains a lot and I’m happy you finally told me, since I think this is what you’ve been hiding this entire time.
But you prefaced it like it was going to be this huge thing.
This relationship-ending thing. I mean, I’m sure it must be difficult for you, but that doesn’t matter to me. ”
Shock. Pure shock. It’s the only way I can describe how his reaction makes me feel. Because this flippant response? It proves that he doesn’t get it at all. If he knew what it really meant… Either he doesn’t see a future with us—not really—or he’s truly clueless.
“Do you not understand what I’m saying here?”
“Of course I do. You… You can’t have kids. And that sucks. I’m sure it must be incredibly difficult for you and I hope you’re able to open up more about why that is, since it’s obviously a huge deal. But I truly don’t see how that’s an issue for us.”
“So… So you’re okay with it. With not having kids. Ever.”
He shrugs. “I was secretly kinda hoping one day I’d get a daughter who looked just like you—maybe with my eyes—but it’s okay. I think there’s very little we can’t handle don’t you think?”
I smile, that tight fist wrapped around my chest squeezing once more, but in a good way.
But I can’t let myself get off track.
“Are you sure? Because I’ve spent years—years—retraining my head and heart to not want this anymore.
To be happy with this. Finn and I… It’s part of the reason why we ended things.
I’m sure if we had been a better match, we could’ve survived it, but…
It’s all our marriage became about. Having a damn baby.
Treatments and forms and diets and negative pregnancy tests and not meeting enough criteria and money.
So much money. Sex stopped being about us and instead it became this…
this tool to make a baby. And it’s all I could think about.
All my life revolved around. It wasn’t healthy.
I wasn’t healthy.” I take a deep breath, try to calm my suddenly defeating heartbeat.
“It took me years to not only accept this decision, but to embrace it. To be happy with it. To look on the bright side and look forward to a life without having kids. And I’m just scared that if we keep doing this, if we keep going where we’re going, you’re going to want it.
And you’re going to try to convince me to want it, too.
And I can’t go through that again. I can’t do that to myself or to us.
I want to give you everything because I love you, Knox.
So much. But I need to love myself more. ”
“I told you. No one’s asking you to have kids.
I can live without having my own kids.” There’s a hint of panic in his voice when he takes a step closer to me, reaching out to take my hand in his.
“Did I assume that I would have kids at one point? Yes. Do I like them? Yes. But we don’t have to have them to be happy, to be together.
I can accept this. I can live with this.
We can be together and not have to do the whole 2. 5 kids thing. I don’t have to want it.”
It kills me to say it, and for a second I don’t know that I can.
But he deserves better than me. “But you’ll want them.
You will, Knox. And you deserve it because you’re an amazing person.
And you shouldn’t have to sacrifice something so huge—so massive—just to be with me.
I love you enough to not take that away from you.
You should find happiness with the right person who can give you the things that you need.
And if we keep doing this, you’re going to change your mind.
And I can’t put myself in a position again where I’m with a man I love who will leave me because I won’t give him what he needs. ”
“But I don’t need that. I need you.” His eyes are red-rimmed, moisture building. My heart shatters.
For a second, I believe him. I begin to think that maybe this won’t be a problem; that he gets it. Because this is happening. Because we can get through this together. I underestimated him. I underestimated us. And I’m so happy I could fling myself into his arms and—
“I mean, I know you said you tried everything, so I get if you don’t want to try the natural way anymore. And it doesn’t have to be now or even any time soon. But maybe we can try adoption, you know. A few years down the road. Maybe we can—”
And there it is.
“No.” That’s when it all comes to an end. Because I won’t even accept the suggestion of it anymore.
“That’s it? We’re not… We’re not even going to discuss this?”
“You started this off by telling me you were okay with not having kids. Thirty seconds into the conversation, though, you start talking about adoption, about exploring the option together. That’s evidence enough that you can change your mind.
I told you, I’m not doing it. And it isn’t because I love you less than Finn—because I know I love you more than I ever even hoped to love him.
It’s because I know what it did to me and what it did to our relationship.
And I’ve seen it through my perspective, and it sucked.
And even when everything goes right, like how it went with my brother and his husband, it’s a lot.
I am forever burnt out by it. I don’t want it.
I don’t want to ever have it. I want to learn to be happy with my career.
I want to make something of myself and—my god—I know some people might think I’m a horrible person, but I know I can have a happy life without kids. It’s not worth the effort for me.”
“Fine. We won’t have kids. I’d rather have you, anyway. Please don’t do this.” He grips my biceps, his blue eyes wide, pleading—filled with hurt.
I did that. It’s all my fault. I let this go on far too long.
I shake my head, something wet and salty on my lips. “I don’t believe you. I think you believe that that’s true, but… I thought we could, but then… Today, seeing you playing at the birthday party with my nieces and their friends… You love children.”
“I… I do. But just because I’m good with kids, doesn’t mean I have to have them. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy just being an uncle or something. Didn’t you tell me you loved being an aunt? I can love being an uncle. We’ll—We’ll spoil them. We can just be the favorite aunt and uncle.”
“No, Knox. You’re always going to have this small ember of hope that I’ll change my mind. And it’s not happening.”
“There’s no fucking ember! There’s nothing else! All there’s ever been since the second I laid eyes on you is you. Please, Lottie. Don’t do this.”
“You’re still young. This is what you think you want, but you’ll change your mind.”
“Don’t tell me what I want.”
“I won’t go through the same thing again, Knox. I just won’t. This needs to end. Tonight. Now. We can’t keep going on like there’s a future here.”
“So that’s it?” His voice breaks. “You’re not even going to give me a chance to prove to you that I can love you through this? That we don’t need kids or a ‘conventional’ life to be happy? For fuck’s sake, Lottie, you aren’t being fair.”
“I’m being the most fair. I’m giving you a chance at a happy life. And myself. I’m undoing my mistake. This was a mistake. I’m sorry. We’re over.”
He holds my face in his hands and presses his forehead to mine. “I won’t be happy without you.” His eyes water, as his thumbs caress my cheeks, wiping tears off my face. “Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us.”
“You’ll thank me in five years,” I say through my tears, sniffling.
“When you’re traveling the world, unattached.
Or even in your backyard watching your kids chase each other around next to a wife who’s closer to your age.
Who could give you all the things I couldn’t—wouldn’t.
You’ll think of me fondly, as the woman who once loved you enough to let you go and allow you to have the future you didn’t think you wanted but now can’t live without. ”
“But I love you. So much.”
“I know.”
I hold onto his wrists and pull his hands away from my face. He doesn’t fight me anymore—he knows I’ve won. There’s no way I’m backing down. I kiss him for the last time, on the cheek, feeling his tears beneath my lips.
“Please go.”