Chapter 35 Lottie
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
LOTTIE
From: Madison Bakay
Hey Lottie,
It was great seeing you last weekend!
I was so happy to see your email this morning asking for more info on the role. I’ve attached the deck we’ve been passing around to potential investors. Take a closer look and tell me how you feel about it.
I’ve spoken to Beka and we both agree that based on your background and just who you are, you’d be a great fit.
When you and I worked together, I used to dream about being part of something big like this with you, because I knew we’d both be able to go far. I can’t believe it’s actually happening!
Let me know your thoughts and we can talk salary. And like I said, you’re more than welcome to stay in my second bedroom while you find your own place in the city. Best,
Mads
Islip the phone back in Knox’s coat pocket, snuggling into it, letting its weight and warmth soothe me.
The email is burned into my brain, but I keep pulling it up in my phone over and over again, rereading it in disbelief at the twins’ birthday party.
Knox is busy playing with the kids in the backyard, getting tackled by a dozen mini-NFL players.
Meanwhile I watch him, sulking in a corner at my brother’s house.
I take a sip of some organic healthy juice pouch thing (whatever happened to real Capri Suns, anyway?) and wince.
Because I am pathetic. It’s here. My ticket out.
More than just the means to move out of Ceres Cove, I have an actual position waiting for me.
A job. I finally have exactly what I’ve been working so hard to get since the second I came back to this town.
And I haven’t told a single soul about it.
Not my brothers. Not Jenn. Not my sister. And certainly not Knox.
Why, you ask? I have no idea.
But I have to tell someone. Soon. Or I swear I’m going to explode. Except that I don’t know what to say. Hey, I got everything I wanted and more but I don’t know why I’m not more excited about it?
I squeeze my eyes shut and lean on the porch rail. “God, what am I even doing?”
“What’s with the emo vibe, dude? There’s free cake and hot dogs. It’s perfection.” My eyes fly open in surprise.
“Ale.”
“You gonna tell me why you’re acting all depressed at the twins’ birthday party? You’re gonna scare the kids if you don’t get it together.”
I laugh once and slap my older brother softly on the arm. “Just stressed. Adulthood, and all that.”
“That’s showbiz.” He nods and lifts his juice pouch in solidarity. “Now do you want to cut the shit and tell me what’s really wrong?”
“Language, Alejandro. Your kids might hear you.” I shoot him a smile, but he’s not having it.
“They’ve heard worse. Now be serious. Is it Captain Dipshit over there?
” He nods in Knox’s direction, who’s being chased by the entirety of the kids at the party.
My heart squeezes in my chest when I catch his eyes and he grins at me.
Distracted, he trips over his own feet and rolls on the grass, only to be tackled once more by the little monsters.
“Don’t call him that.”
Alejandro rolls his eyes. “Fine. Knox. Is it about Knox.”
“I… In a way.”
“Okay. And what way is that?”
“I, ah… I’m going to tell you something. Something I haven’t told anyone. I don’t want anyone to know yet because I don’t know how to feel about it for some reason.” I play with my juice pouch’s straw, unable to meet his gaze. “I just… I may need some solicited brotherly advice on this one.”
I look up to see Ale’s brows raised in surprise. “Solicited? As in, actively seeking my advice?”
“Stop. Don’t be a drama queen. Can you help or not?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me what this is all about.”
I pause and take a deep breath. “Okay. Okay, well. It turns out, this past weekend, I ran into an old coworker from my old job…”
I tell Alejandro everything. How we ran into Madison as soon as we arrived to the B&B and her job offer.
I even tell him about Knox and I making the decision to stay together, how he promised he’d follow me anywhere.
“And even though we agreed on all that. And even though I was offered a dream job. I still feel weird about it.”
He nods thoughtfully. “Do you think maybe it’s because you’re not as into Knox as you think?”
I pause and look for him in the party, watch how he kneels in front of one of the twins and hands her a lollipop as she cries.
Watch the way the rest of my siblings stare at him with googoo eyes.
Knox gives my niece a lopsided grin which she can’t help but return, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He returns her hug, catching my eye from afar, smiling widely at me in victory.
My breath catches, my chest filling with light and something more and I can’t breathe.
He’s everything that is good in my life.
He’s my cheerleader and my support. And I love being those things for him, too.
I love him, I think. Not having him in my life just seems unacceptable.
“It’s not that,” I tell Alejandro. “It’s definitely not that. I… I might be falling in love with him.” I know I am.
Beside me, my brother goes still. He slowly lifts his own drink to his lips and drinks before responding. “Are you sure, Lottie?”
“I…” I feel the stinging behind my eyes build, my lower lip trembling. So I turn around with my back facing the rest of the party to avoid anyone else from seeing me like this. “Yes. Pretty sure.”
Grinding his teeth, Alejandro takes a beat to process this info.
“I know you don’t like him, but—”
“It’s not that. It’s not that at all. He’s…
He’s actually really fucking cool. I don’t have a problem with him.
Maybe when I thought he was just some fuck boy trying to get laid, someone who was going to dump you in a heartbeat.
But the way this kid acts… He’s more gone for you than you are for him.
Anyone can see that. If it wasn’t already obvious, then today made it so.
He’s spent the entire afternoon playing with your nieces and nephews.
That doesn’t scream casual booty call to me. ”
“No,” I murmur.
“And, this is gonna sound gross, but I can tell he’s kind of… devoted to you. The way he looks at you… It’s like you’re his center of gravity or something.”
I feel a tear run down my cheek, but I catch it quickly with my hand.
“But it worries me, this intensity of emotions. Because of what happened last time with Finn. Because of his age. And because I have a feeling you haven’t been exactly forthcoming with him about your… health stuff, have you?”
I shake my head.
“I’m scared for you. I was there when you came back, your spirit broken.
We all had to watch this ghost for the first year after the divorce float around town in a kind of trancelike state.
Seeing you like that…” He shakes his head and looks away.
“It was tough, Lottie. So tough. I’ve never seen anyone so heartbroken before. ”
“It wasn’t about Finn, though. You know that, right? It was about everything else. The kid thing, the job, having to come back, having no money. Finn was… a dick. But losing him was the least of my concerns. It was more about… about not being enough for anything or anyone.”
“I know. But it worries me that you’re going to end up in the same situation. Or a version of it at least.”
“What do you mean? I can’t imagine Knox ever being as cold-hearted as Finn.”
“He’s young.”
I raise a brow, waiting for my brother to finish, but he doesn’t reply. “Duh.”
“He’s young, Lottie. So his priorities and what he wants in life might shift a couple of years down the road. And then where will that leave you? Unless you’ve changed your mind about kids.”
My stomach rolls, heart racing. Kids.
“No, I haven’t.” My voice is small, and shaky. “And I don’t think I ever will.”
“Have you asked him what he wants?” I shake my head, unable to speak.
“I see.”
I’m going to throw up. I swear I’m going to throw up any second now.
“Can I make an assessment, then?”
I nod.
“I think you haven’t told him or anyone else about New York because you know you have to tell him about the kid thing first. And you’re scared because it not only destroyed your last relationship, but the life you had built.
But you know it would be unfair to the both of you for you to tell him, move your things to the city, only to wait until he’s ready for kids to let him know you have no intentions of ever having them.
Because I have never seen you this happy, Lottie.
Not with anyone. That’s the truth. And I guess that’s why I feel extra overprotective with this guy.
Because the higher you are, the harder the fall. ”