Chapter 41 Lottie
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
LOTTIE
Ilove Ceres Cove.
And I know what you’re thinking—Whoa, what?
Since when? Turns out, since always. I just had to do some work on myself to realize that much of what was happening was internal.
It took months of therapy and a lot of introspection to realize I had a lot of baggage to deal with.
Not just with my divorce and my infertility, but so much about my parents and their loss.
Grief. Such an odd thing. I should’ve known, especially after speaking about it with Knox on several occasions. At the time, I thought I knew all about grief. But it’s shocking how deep the iceberg really is.
Now, as I look around at my wonderful friends and family, at the people of Ceres
Cove who have been able to make it to the opening, I feel calm.
Excited, for sure. But calm. I no longer feel trapped or like there’s an elephant on my chest. I no longer feel like a failure.
I no longer have these arbitrary expectations on what it means to have “made it” in life.
I decide what it means to have “made it.” No one else.
And as I stand in the middle of my bookstore, that I got off the ground, based off of a concept I developed that also helped my community, I know that I have officially Made It. Capital M. Capital I.
Sure, it would be great to have the one person I love most by my side. But even if he had answered my calls over the past few months, even if he hadn’t ignored my emails or texts, even if he had forgiven me, I’m happy to have done this on my own.
I miss Knox. I miss him on a visceral level.
But I’m getting my life together, just getting a business off the ground, taking better care of my physical and mental health.
My endo flare-ups have come few and far between since taking this major step in life.
And though I’m still going through with the hysterectomy, there’s no rush.
I’m waiting until the initial excitement from the store comes down.
As for Knox, I hope that maybe one day he will pick up the phone.
Maybe one day, when he’s less angry at me, he’ll answer my calls or emails.
Or maybe he’ll find the one person that truly makes him happy.
And though it’s devastating to think that person might not be me, at least there’ll be peace in knowing he’s happy.
“This is amazing, Lottie. We’re so insanely proud of you.” Daniel hands me another glass of pink champagne before placing a kiss on my cheek while Brandon places a kiss on my other one. “Seriously, this is incredible.”
“Thanks, guys. None of this would’ve happened without you. There’s no way I could’ve afforded buying the bookstore back and the space next door without your loan. I don’t know how to thank you enough.”
“Stop,” Brandon says, taking a sip from his own glass. “We’re more than happy to do it. Everyone in town is obsessed, and come summer, it’ll be packed with people.”
“Hopefully before then, Brandon.”
“Yes, that too, of course.”
“I want to make this a chill place to hang. I mean, you know I have plans to do watch parties and stuff. Like The Bachelor in January and stuff.”
“Really? Are we doing fantasy leagues, too?” Daniel’s eyes light up.
I laugh at his excitement, giddy that so many other people in town are as happy about my new place as I am. “Absolutely.”
“So can you give us a tour of the photos? I’ve made my own assumption as to where they came from, but I just want to hear it from you.”
“They’re mine, aren’t they?” The familiar voice comes from behind me, sending chills running up and down my spine. Every muscle in my body tenses. My wide eyes flash to Daniel, but his shocked gaze is on someone behind me.
“You’re here.” I pretend like I don’t know who he’s talking to, but a whiff of that signature scent weakens my knees, making me have to lean on the nearest shelf for stability.
There’s only one person who has that effect on me.
Turn around, I tell myself, but it’s like my body won’t comply.
Knox clears his throat. “Yeah, I—”
“I’m so glad you got my email.” Daniel is beaming, bursting at the seams with happiness.
Email? They’ve been in contact?
“No, actually. I haven’t checked my email or phone in months. Not since the sale went through.”
A piece of me unwinds. He hasn’t checked his email or phone in months. So maybe he wasn’t ignoring me. But maybe he just… forgot about me.
“Kinda shut myself off from the rest of humanity, actually.”
“Right. Lottie, do you think maybe you could get it together enough to turn around and say hi to Knox? Seeing as somehow he made it to your grand opening?”
Brandon laughs but tries to hide it with a cough.
“I hate you,” I mouth to both of them before turning around.
“Your grand opening?” Knox asks.
He’s just as handsome as ever with his charming scruff, glacier-blue eyes, and broad shoulders. His puffy coat covers his chest and arms, but my memory isn’t bad enough that I don’t remember the way his muscles look beneath it.
“Yeah,” I manage to breathe. “Mine.”
“I—I thought you were in New York. Your brother…”
I look around for Daniel, but he and Brandon have secretly wandered off, leaving me and Knox alone.
“Yeah, I did leave. But. But I came back.” My pulse quickens, breathing speeds.
“Why’s that?”
“None of it felt right. I missed Ceres Cove and I missed… I missed people.”
“People, huh?” His infamous lopsided smile makes an appearance, causing my heart to perform some serious acrobatics in my chest. But just as quickly as it pops up, it disappears, breaking my heart just a little more than it already was.
“You wanna show me around? Tell me what my photos are doing all over the place?”
“Sure,” I say, turning to face the closest one to us.
A gorgeous scene of a pelican by the dock, about to take flight in the cold spring morning air.
Below the frame, a small sign with Knox’s name.
“Daniel found these photos in the SD card you gave him and showed them to me. They were so beautiful… I decided to print some and put them around for sale. I promise I plan to deposit every single cent into your account. Daniel still has your bank info from before. I don’t know much about photography, so I had someone come and asses them.
So that’s how I marked them with those prices.
I didn’t just arbitrarily pick a number or whatever. ”
“I don’t doubt it.”
“But now that I think about it, I realize it could be construed as crossing a huge line. A total breach of trust.” Shit. My stomach churns. I run my fingers through my hair. “All this time I thought I was doing something good and now I realize it might’ve actually backfired.”
He laughs. He actually laughs, his eyes full of warmth. “Lottie, relax. I gave Daniel the card, and possession is nine tenths of the law, haven’t you heard?”
“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not, but if you are, you kind of suck right now because I’m trying to make things right in any way that I can and—”
“Hey. Relax. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I didn’t want the photos anymore. But I’m glad you liked them. I’m glad they’re being enjoyed. And thank you for crediting me and putting them up for sale.”
“You’re welcome.” I want to smile. I want to tell him how happy I am that he’s here.
“So if you saw these photos, it means you saw…” His cheeks flush, and suddenly he can’t look me in the eye. He scratches the back of his neck, visibly uncomfortable for the first time since seeing each other again.
“I… Yes. I did. I saw the other ones, too.” I take a deep breath, everything coming back to me all at once.
Coming home from New York in the middle of the night, having an emergency meeting with my siblings, asking Daniel and Brandon for the loan for this store, followed by my brother handing me the two things Knox left behind: his leather jacket and the SD card.
“I think you need to see what’s in there, sis. I think you need to see the photos,” Daniel said when he handed me the card, his face somber.
I remember going through the pictures, my jaw dropping at the beautiful way in which he captured the town, the people in it. And me. Hundreds and hundreds of pictures of me.
I realized then and there why Knox kept telling me I wasn’t ready to see them.
Because somehow, without using any words, he had managed to unearth the truth behind this town and present everything that was good and pure about it.
And I was too filled with disdain to see it.
I rejected my hometown, but most of all, I rejected myself.
And here was this man, capturing all kinds of seemingly immaterial moments, representing them in a way that showed their true grandeur and meaning.
A group of older women talking on a park bench became an image of decades’ long friendship and love.
The demolition of shelves in an old bookstore became a symbol of growth and rebirth.
And a woman throwing her head back in laughter with sleeprumpled hair became a perfect image of me, utterly in love with the man behind the camera.
There was beauty and truth in so many things I hadn’t let myself see. And he was able to capture every second of it. Each photograph became an eye-opening gift. So I felt the need to celebrate them, to have them hung in the place I was making my own.
“So what did you think, then? About... About it all.”
“I think they look like a love letter. To the town, of course,” I amend.
He scoffs. “And to you. But you know that.”
I gnaw on my bottom lip, hoping to keep it from trembling. The familiar stinging behind my eyes grows uncomfortable, so I look away.
“I guess it was.” Past. Gone. In that moment, we loved each other. But now? Now it’s just me, standing in front of a boy, not asking him to love her. Because I don’t deserve it after everything.
I feel his hand come under my chin, he tilts my face back to his. “Show me the rest of your bookstore?”
I sniffle and nod, smiling as best I can. “Of course.”
So I give him a tour, leading him through the crowd, stopping every so often to greet people. I show Knox the punny way I classified each bay (“metaphors be with you” for fantasy, “kiss and tale” for romance, etc), and get a “Holy shit that’s genius” from him.
“Thanks,” I say with a laugh. “I think one or two people have found it annoying, but most find satisfaction in guessing the genre. I think it keeps the reader engaged.”
When I show him the bar and we take a seat, I order us both a mocktail. “And Alejandro isn’t pissed at you for having this in your bookstore since he used to own the only bar in town?”
“No,” I say before taking a sip of my favorite new drink, Spa Day (cucumber, lime, coconut water, and seltzer on the rocks).
“It’s a different vibe and he knows it. Ale’s bar is great—but for a different audience.
What I wanted to create was an all-in-one safe and fun space for women in this town, mostly.
For everyone, but I’m filling a particular need Ceres Cove had.
No offense to my brother, but going to his bar has never given me the same type of feeling as going to a nicer, chill lounge-type place with the girls.
It’s just not the same. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and place for going somewhere that smells like hops, but it isn’t every night.
Plus, you can sit here and watch Bravo or other trash reality TV.
It’s a place for people to get away, while still feeling at home. ”
“And I’m sure you’re less likely to get unwanted attention here than you are at your brother’s bar.”
I smile at him, barely able to breathe. “I don’t know. The last guy who tried to pick me up at his bar wasn’t so bad.”
He inhales sharply, eyes locked on mine. “I’m glad you feel that way. Wouldn’t want you regretting anything. It’s not a good way to live your life.”
“Do you have any regrets?” The words leave my mouth before I can even think. Tears start to build in my eyes because I realize I’ve just set myself up to hear something I might not want to hear. But would most definitely deserve.
“About you? None. Maybe that I didn’t fight harder, but…”
I sniffle. “Right. But.” I look away before I lose it. God, it would just be so typical of me, too. To just start crying in the middle of my grand opening because my ex-boyfriend came back and—
I stop. Take a deep breath. No, we are not doing this. We are going to enjoy today.
“I love it, Lottie. Seriously. I’m so proud of you.” He takes my hand in both of his, his eyes locked on mine.
“Thank you, Knox.” I wrap my other hand around his. “I’m so happy you made it. I don’t know how you made it. But I’m happy you’re here. It’s been… It’s been a rough six months.”
“It doesn’t look like it, though.” He smiles, looking around.
“I think you know what I mean.”
His expression drops. So do his hands. To his credit, he pulls them away gently. And because I am an absolute masochist, I tell him, “I missed you.”
Knox sits up straight in his stool, brow furrowed. “It’s cause your aim sucks, kid.”
I groan, half thankful for the comic relief, half frustrated with it. “That was a terrible dad joke.”
“Says the woman who literally made her bookstore all about puns.”
I snort-laugh, spilling some of my drink. He reaches out with his napkin to dab at my chin. But his face grows serious, dropping his napkin in my lap. Knox cups my jaw in his large warm hand, and I can’t help but lean into it. His eyes flit to my lips, which he traces with his thumb.
And it’s like we’re back to that first night. To that spark.
“Knox, I—”
“Hey, sis. Hey, Knox.”
I glare at Adriana for interrupting us, seriously considering the whole murder thing again.
“Adri, we were just—”
“I know, but I just had to interrupt you because the guy from the The Maine Courant is here to interview you.”
I look back at Knox, conflicted. “I’m so sorry. It’s just… They have the third biggest circulation in Maine and—”
He holds a hand up to stop me, a sad smile on his face. “Don’t worry about it.” Knox slides off his stool and begins to walk away but I stop him just in time, grabbing him by the sleeve of his coat.
“Don’t go. Please. There’s still so much I want to say. So much I need to say.”
He stares at me for a moment and swallows, considering my plea. After a painful stretch of time, he nods. “Okay. How about I go book a room at the motel and come back when everyone is gone?”
My breath catches in my chest, heart lurching. “R-really? I… Yes. Yes, please.”
He kisses my cheek while I stand very still, wanting desperately not to ruin this moment.
“Be right back. Enjoy your celebration. You deserve it.”