Chapter 42 Knox
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
KNOX
Lottie locks the bookstore door with shaking hands, turning off the neon pink Open sign hanging by the window.
The place is a mess, covered in disposable bamboo plates, cups, and paper napkins.
It’s… a lot, this mess. So I make a mental note to stay and help pick up, no matter the outcome of this conversation.
After putting some paperwork away behind the counter, Lottie pauses, her back turned to me, taking a few steadying breaths.
I don’t blame her. As I watch her try to get herself together for us to talk, I do the same thing.
Preparing myself to hear whatever it is that she has to say, good or bad. Whatever it may be.
She slowly turns to face me, that full bottom lip caught between her teeth. And, god, the need to kiss her, to feel those soft lips on mine… She’s so beautiful. So fucking beautiful it hurts to look at her.
I miss her so much.
“Knox.” The sound of my name on her lips is something I’ve dreamt about every night since leaving this town six months ago. Something I’d sometimes think I’d hear even while I was away. And now that she’s here, now that I get to hear her say it, it sounds even more surreal.
Ethereal, almost.
“Lottie.”
“Thank you for staying behind. Alejandro stopped by earlier for a bit and mentioned you were on your way home from a long trip, so I appreciate you staying an extra night so we could talk.”
I could spend $49 on a motel for one night and get home a day late to get some answers, or I could spend the rest of my life wondering where we went wrong. I need the closure, so I chose the former.
“Of course.” Anything, I almost tell her. Because despite understanding that she doesn’t want me, deep down, I will always love her. I will always want her. I will always do whatever she needs.
I wait patiently for her to speak, but it takes her a while to gather up enough courage. And when she does: “I called you. A lot. But it kept going to voicemail.”
Surprised, I take a step back. She called? “Well, you already know I haven’t really checked my phone. I was away in Scotland.”
She frowns, eyes sad. “Right. But… I mean, you never had access to WiFi?”
I sigh, run my fingers through my hair. “I only turned my phone on a couple of days ago and, frankly, I needed to disconnect. I was going through a lot, between losing you and finding Walter.”
“Finding Walter?”
I smile. “That’s what I was doing. I went to his hometown after reading more of his journals, speaking to my mom. I went and met his—my—family. And slowly, through them and his stories, I got to know my dad more.”
Her grin is wide. “Your dad.”
“Yeah.” I smile. I can’t help it. “My dad.”
“That’s amazing, Knox.”
“Yeah. I needed it. We both did, you know? He and I. It was good.”
“Good.” We fall silent, unsure of what comes next. But I’m not going to be the one to break the silence this time. She ended this. If she wants to talk, then… She should talk.
“I… I made a mistake, Knox. Lots of them. And I pretty much realized it as soon as I got to New York. But I figured, I had already messed things up between us, so.” She shrugs, but her eyes begin to water.
“I tried giving it a shot, but it didn’t feel right.
I wanted to apologize— needed to apologize.
But when I came back to do so, you were gone. You had left.” “You left first.”
“I did.”
“And now you’re back.”
“I am.” Her voice sounds more determined than I’ve ever heard it.
“What are you trying to say, Lottie? Because losing you was— I can’t even describe it. I felt like you cast me aside so easily—”
“No, Knox. No. That’s not what it was. I was just…” She sighs. “I was scared and so messed up. And wanted to protect you.”
“So what are you trying to say?” I repeat.
“I’m… I’m…” She pauses. Swallows once. “I’m trying to say that I miss you.
That I… That I love you. That I messed up—I know I messed up.
And now you’re here. How the hell did that happen?
So I’m going to shoot my shot, because I don’t know whether I’ll ever get a chance like this again.
But I was wondering whether you’d be willing to maybe forgive me? Go back?”
“There is nothing I want less than to go back to how we were.” My words land harsh and destructive, and I realize how badly they can be misconstrued. “Not because I don’t care about you, Lottie. But because I deserve more.”
She swipes a tear away and nods. “No, you’re right. You do deserve more. I mean, it’s why I broke up with you in the first place. The whole kid thing.”
I groan. “I told you I never gave a shit about the kid thing. I don’t care about having kids.
I wanted you more. I just want you. But I mean that I don’t want to go back to you keeping all these walls between us, hiding stuff from me.
I don’t want to go back to letting you make all our relationship decisions, not treating me like the partner I was supposed to be.
Honestly, no matter how much I love you, nothing sounds worse than being with you but not really having you. ”
“That’s fair. I totally get that. But it wouldn’t be that way again.
And I know this is all sudden, bringing this back up again after not seeing each other for so long.
But I’ve thought about this a lot and… Well, I am pretty damn sure you’re the love of my life, Knox.
I don’t think there will ever be anyone but you.
And if I’ve messed this up too much… Then, I get it.
I didn’t handle things well. But I just want you to know that everything I did was because I thought I was doing the best thing for you.
I loved you—love you—in a way that haunts me.
Because it’s almost selfish. I want the best for you, so a huge part of me feels like I’d be taking something away from you if you stay with me.
Yet at the same time…” She lets the sentence hang before taking a deep breath.
“Okay, it’s like this: I love you enough to want you to have everything you want in life.
Which means that I wouldn’t hold it against you if you left me because you wanted kids.
But if you love me, too, and you’re okay with who I am and what I have to offer, then…
then love me, Knox. Be with me. Be my partner—I promise I won’t keep you at arm’s length anymore because I don’t want to.
I want you to know every inch of me, just like I want to know every inch of you.
You’re it. But if I’m too late and I messed up too much…
” She chokes back a sob, so I take a few steps forward, close enough to catch her perfect caramel scent.
“If I messed things up too much, then I get it. I’ll let you go.
Because I just want you to be happy, Knox. It’s all I want.”
“That’s a lot of information.” I exhale, wanting so badly to say yes, to pull her in my arms and start this new life together.
“It is. But I wanted to put it all out there. Because there are so many things I need to tell you. Want to tell you. And I promise if you give me a chance, I will.”
“I want to say yes, Lottie. I do. God, I’ve dreamed so many times over the past six months of you saying exactly this. But I’m terrified of losing you again because… I just don’t think I’ll be able to survive it.”
She shakes her head vehemently. “I’m not pushing you away again, Knox.
I was holding on by a thread, too. And while I am happy with my bookstore and think that I’ve created something really special here, I finally realize that I won’t ever be satisfied if I don’t have my partner by my side.
And I don’t mean the business kind. I know you have your work and you travel, but I want to be your home base.
I want to be the person you come back to after your adventures. So… love me, Knox.”
I roll my eyes at her, a smile on my face. “I’ve always loved you, Lottie. I think I fell for you the second I watched you order a martini from across the bar.”
A sharp inhale, a step forward, and suddenly, my arms are around her, pulling her tightly into me.
“I’m s-so sorry,” she sobs into my chest. “I really m-messed up.”
“I know.” I kiss the top of her head, inhaling her scent, letting it heal every broken inch of me. “But it’s okay. I may be a sucker for forgiving you so quickly, but I want this, too, Lottie. I love you.”
“I promise I’ll never keep you out again.”
“I should’ve never let you go.” I cup her face, angling it toward mine.
“No,” she says between sobs. “I think in a messed up way maybe we needed this. I needed to realize that I wasn’t this broken, half-woman for not being able to have kids.
I needed to realize that I could have a full life with the man I loved despite everything.
And I’m glad you took this time apart to grieve Walter.
To get to know your dad and heal that part of yourself. ”
“Yeah.” I grin, pushing her overgrown bangs from her face. “Maybe.”
She sniffles once, her beautiful face red and splotchy. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life.
“Can you kiss me? Please.”
I don’t hesitate for a second. I duck down to kiss her deep and long, to try and make up for lost time.
But nothing will ever be enough, because no amount of time with her will ever be enough.
I want Lottie. I want her always by my side.
And as I sink deeper into this kiss, need building inside, I nearly burst with happiness.
“I never have to let you go, then?” I ask. “You’re mine for good?”
She laughs before placing another kiss on my lips. “Yes. If you’ll have me. Though I’m older than you, so I’ll probably die first, who knows.”
My stomach lurches. “Jesus, don’t ever say that. I just had to live six months without you—I don’t want to think about actually losing you.”
“You won’t. We’ll live forever.” She kisses me again, her body molding to mine.