25. Payton
CHAPTER 25
Payton
I wake feeling extremely warm, as soon as I open my eyes, everything comes flooding back. Silas is here. I’m not sure how he’s here or why, but I’m so glad that he is. I didn’t realize how much I needed him until he knocked on my door.
The room is shrouded in darkness, and I wonder just how long we slept. Silas arrived here not long after nine. I haven’t slept in two weeks, and being in his arms made me feel safe and secure.
I’ve cried so much these last few weeks, but telling Silas was a weight off my shoulders. I bared my soul to him, and he held me through it all. I thought he’d hate me, because I wasn’t able to protect our baby, but he’s here holding me as though I’m the most precious gift in the world.
I glance up at him, he has us lying on the sofa with me resting on top of him. He’s fast asleep, his snores are soft and comforting. Tears cling to his eyes, and I realize that he’s been crying. My heart aches at him hurting, but I know that it was inevitable.
I gently move off him, not wanting to wake him, I grab my phone off the coffee table and quietly make my way outside onto my back porch. As soon as I step outside, the salty air hits me, and I breathe it in deeply, loving the way it hits my lungs. I kick off my shoes and step off of my porch.
The sand is cool against my feet, but I don’t mind, I love it. Being here has made me feel more centered. I love New York, it’s been my home for two years now, but being by the sea has always made me feel at ease. Seattle has always been my dream, and it’s just like coming home.
I walk on the sand for a few minutes before I find a spot and sit down. The cool Seattle breeze whips around me, but I don’t feel the chill. I stare out onto the bay where the lights from the city are reflected on the water, and once again, my tears fall freely. Relief and heartache rip through me; relieved that Silas knows and that he’s here, but heartache that our angel is never going to know just how much we love her.
I think about all the things that Silas and I are going to miss out on. I’m torturing myself, I know I am, but I’m unable to stop it. I imagine what he’d be like with her when she had her first smile, when she cut her first tooth, and when she took her first steps. I know that Silas would make an amazing father, one that would love unconditionally and fiercely.
The tears fall silently, as I mourn for what could have been and the little girl that I’ll always love but will never hold. She’ll always have my heart, a piece of me will always be with her.
My cell buzzes in my hand, and I see it’s a message from Ali.
Are you okay?
I reply instantly, not wanting her to worry.
I’m doing better. I guess I have you to thank for Silas turning up at my door?
I’m not angry, in fact, I’m extremely grateful, it would have been hard for me to call him and then to tell him everything. This way, I managed to get it all out, whereas I’m not sure I could have done it the other way.
I may have said something to Jack, who took it upon himself to get Silas to you. Are you mad?
My heart warms at her words. I have so many people around me that care about me. I never realized just how lucky I am.
I’m not mad. I’m extremely grateful. Thank you, Ali, for everything.
Anytime, my friend. The girls are demanding a night out.
I smile. It seems so normal to go out with the girls. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to let loose and be free and not be buried beneath the pain and heartache.
Let me know when, and I’ll see if Bianca can come too.
Sounds good, will text you the deets. Call me if you need me.
I close my eyes and relish in the love that I’m surrounded with.
Will do. Thank you.
I should call Dahlia, I haven’t spoken to her in a while, though I’ve kept in contact with my siblings. I’ve been able to put on a facade with them, but Dahlia, she knows me too well, she’ll see right through it. She messages me a lot, demanding to know if I’m okay. I know that I’m hurting her by pushing her away, but it’s what I always do. When Mom and Dad died, I pushed everyone away, then when I thought Si cheated on me, I pushed him away and locked myself up tight. When things get tough, I withdraw from everyone until I can’t any longer. I’ll do it tomorrow, today has been exhausting, and I’ve slept most of it away.
I feel warmth from behind me, and I don’t turn, I already know who it is. He sits down behind me, his legs spread out either side of my body and his hands splay across my belly and I gasp, this is what it should have been like.
“When you’re ready, we’ll try again,” he says softly. “Whenever you’re ready, baby.”
I lean back against him, needing his strength. “What if I’m never ready?”
He kisses the top of my head. “Then we’ll spend the rest of our lives together.”
Just like that. So fucking simple.
“Do you want more kids?” he asks, his voice filled with love.
I shrug, then I tell him the ultimate fear I have about trying again. “I’m scared, what if we get pregnant and then we lose the baby again?”
His arms tighten around me, “If you want to try again, we’ll get the best doctors.” He promises me, and I love him even more. “You don’t need to decide now, the option is open.”
God, he’s the fucking best. “What if I don’t, what about you?”
His mouth moves to my ear. “You. Are. All. I. Need. You . Are. All. I. Want.”
Holy shit.
“Si…” I whisper, unsure of how to even respond to that.
We’re silent for a bit, both of us lost in our own thoughts, listening to the water crash onto the edge of the bay.
“Why are you here, baby?” he asks, breaking through the quietness. “Not that I’m mad, I’m fucking glad you are.”
“I’m here because this is now where I live.” I twist my head so I can look at him, his eyes are soft as he stares down at me. “When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to live in Seattle and be near the water. I found this place and loved it instantly. I bought it. I was hoping that you’d live here with me.” My voice is barely a whisper on that part.
“Seriously?” I can see his grin, and my body sags in relief. I nod, “Love you, baby. You bought this house for us?”
I nod, “I’ll give you a tour in a bit.” I’m not ready to move from our spot just yet. The feeling of being in his arms is unlike anything else.
He kisses my head once again, and I sigh contently. “When’s your next shoot, baby?”
I tense as I bite my lip, shit, I haven’t told him the other news that I have.
“Pay?” Worry fills his voice.
“I’m not sure, I don’t have one for the next few months. I was offered a part in a movie.”
“Really?” The pride in his voice makes me smile, “Holy shit, you’re going to be a movie star!”
“Yeah, I seriously wonder how the hell I landed the role, but the director wanted me to audition, and I did. I landed the roll. Filming begins next week, here in Seattle.” It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to take the job in the first place. Close to my family and to Silas.
“Thank fuck. I’m proud of you, baby. You’ve achieved so much, but it’ll be good to finally have you to myself for a while without you jetting around the world.”
I laugh, “Are you moving in?” He never did say.
He gets to his feet and pulls me up with him. “Baby, I’ll be all moved in tomorrow. You’re stuck with me.” His lips descend on mine, and for the first time in weeks, the heartache isn’t as overwhelming as it was.